


Flames of Nirvana

by ackervida



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Cunnilingus, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Implied abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Manga Spoilers, Minor Original Character(s), Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Suicide Attempt, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 06:01:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 109,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23990044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ackervida/pseuds/ackervida
Summary: In the heat of a never ending war, Levi finds himself recruiting a compromised spy. But the war outside is nothing compared to their own inner battles, and hand in hand, they find the strength to conquer them one by one. And the world follows.
Relationships: Levi & Reader, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Reader, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/You, Levi/Reader
Comments: 190
Kudos: 358
Collections: self insert fics to read





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Just a heads-up, this story contains implied rape, suicide mentions and suicide attempts, as well as explicit sexual content. There will also be manga spoilers, since it is canon compliant up until chapter 128. It is already complete (because it's all I've been doing since quarantine started welp), so don't worry about updates! They'll be regular, every Sunday. Hope you enjoy!

Levi swirled the tea in his cup pensively. It was still so strange to him, how the Marleyans drank their tea – sweetened and diluted with milk, leaving little room for the subtle, herbal flavors. He’d spat it back into the cup the first time he tried it, and in the following months, the Eldian Captain adopted the habit to request his tea plain, as much as it attracted odd glances from shopkeepers.

This particular teashop, however, was quite to his liking. Quaint, small enough to be peaceful, yet spacious enough to allow him to blend in with the other customers without being recognized, despite the telltale scars on his face. The tea itself wasn’t exactly what he remembered from home, but it came with free cookies and the Eldian old lady who usually brought his order was sweet, bubbly and never disclosed the fact that she knew exactly who he was.

Levi’s identity wasn’t as much of a problem as it used to be when the remaining Scouts permanently relocated to Marley’s capital, but there was still a level of dissent among the Marleyan citizens. After all, Eren’s near genocide had yet to be forgotten, and the new war put a wholly new strain on Marleyans’ views on Eldians.

Taking a tentative sip of the hot brew, Levi sighed. In his own way, the Captain had wearily come to terms with the fact that Eren had turned into a lost cause, yet he still couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe the idiot wouldn’t have done what he did if he’d been aware that peace still wouldn’t be an option. Yes, the Colossal titans would have crushed Marley.

What would have happened once they reached Starke?

It didn’t matter now, Levi mused. Whether the Starkans would have been able to fend off was irrelevant. What mattered was that this technologically superior nation suddenly entered the war and helped the Jaegerists seize control of Paradise Island; now, they’d joined forces against Marley and Hizuru, seeking the so-called spread of ‘civilization’ and ‘evolution’ through conquest.

Any hope that Levi might have had about seeing the carnage come to an end had been squandered.

“Is the tea not to your liking, my dear? I was excited to get this new mix, but I know you’re a fussy one,” Matilda, the shopkeeper, stopped by Levi’s table. Her mouth and eye crinkles spoke of a lifelong determination to smile, even though Levi knew better than to assume she’d led anything but an easy life in the Eldian ghettos. She’d never spoken to him of family, and the Captain had never asked.

“It’s not bad,” the brunet replied, taking another sip. His prosthetic fingers felt strange around the steaming mug – they couldn’t feel heat. “What was it called again? Robos?”

“Rooibos,” Matilda smiled, wordlessly setting another plate of sugar cookies on the table. Levi lifted a hand in protest, but the older woman shushed him quiet. “It’s on the house. If you’re worried about your silhouette, why don’t you share them with the pretty young lady back there? She’s been looking at you since you came in, and I don’t want to be insensitive but you do look like you could use some company.”

She winked to indicate precisely what kind of ‘company’ she was implying, and subtly tilted her head towards a table on the opposite side of the establishment, where a lone young woman was eating a bowl of soup. Levi met her E/C eyes as soon as he glanced her way and was inwardly surprised that the girl didn’t immediately avert her gaze. Instead, she held his stare for a few intense seconds, after which her eyes suggestively flitted to the seat in front of her.

Levi served the oblivious, but well-intended shopkeeper a half-hearted scowl, yet the Captain rose from his chair, having understood that the woman’s interest was not in any way hormonal or sparked by recognition. Matilda still leapt for joy – after all, Levi normally arrived and left alone, except for the rare occasion where he agreed to bring Hange or his former squad with him for an unnecessarily obnoxious lunch break. The bubbly shopkeeper took great care not to forget the cookies, setting them between Levi and the mysterious lady with a much too enthusiastic smile.

“So what’s your deal?” the brunet got straight to the point, leaning back and crossing his legs. Contrary to what he was expecting, the young woman broke into a quiet fit of giggles.

“You’re as charming as I’ve heard. You really must be the famous Captain Levi Ackerman.”

Though relieved that she hadn’t said it loud enough for the entire shop to hear, Levi snorted in annoyance. He really didn’t want to blow his only precious break with one of those air wasting assholes who liked to coat their point in useless pleasantries.

“Oi. Just spit it. What the hell do you want?”

The girl gave him a cool smile that lasted just a second too long for it to be natural, before resuming her eating. “Well, I… you don’t know this, but you saved my family when you coordinated the evacuation from the outskirts during the Rumbling. I wanted to thank you and… maybe treat you to some lunch?” she asked shyly, curling a strand of hair behind her ear in what appeared to be a coy gesture. However, Levi got a glimpse of the device attached to her ear and understood her message. She couldn’t be straight with him – she was being listened to.

The Captain downed the rest of his tea and politely asked Matilda to come over. “I guess I wouldn’t mind it. I’ll have what she’s having.”

He endured the conversation the girl seemed to produce out of thin air and ate his cauliflower soup diligently – even though, whoever she actually was, she was weird as fuck for liking something so bland. He figured that some of the questions she was asking were being dictated to her through the earpiece, so Levi offered vague or fake answers, silently hoping that whatever her plan was, she would get on with it faster.

“Oranges, you say? I don’t think I’ve ever had them,” the Captain commented almost absentmindedly, yet the woman’s eyes lit up with genuine joy and what seemed to be relief.

“Really? Never? You can come by my parents’ orchard anytime and you won’t leave without a full basket,” she laughed. “Actually, here, I’ll write you the address. If you have the time and, of course, if you want to… you can visit me. All the exotic fruit in the world won’t be enough to repay you, but this is the least I can do,” she opened her little bag and ripped a piece of paper from a notebook, scribbling furiously. “Not to mention… I’ve really loved your company. You seem to be a very gentle man, Levi. Can I call you Levi?”

“Be my guest,” the brunet replied, stuffing the paper in his pocket without looking at it and leaving their consumption’s worth of cash on the table. “You can make it up to me with that fruit basket,” he said when the girl began to protest, making her flash another one of those fake smiles. If she hadn’t made it obvious, Levi doubted he would have been able to tell, yet now that he knew that all her reactions were fake, he couldn’t help but dislike that forced smile on her otherwise beautiful features. Questions about who was employing her and what she was trying to gain from her interaction with him were swirling in his mind at miles per hour, way more interesting than any mundane topic of discussion.

The Captain made a point of ignoring Matilda’s cheeky grin as he led the young girl towards the exit and reciprocated her goodbye wishes. As she walked away, sundress flowing with the wind, Levi remained there for a while, a foot in the shop and a foot outside. After making sure no one was observing him, he fished out the note.

Once he read it, his hand flew straight to his own earpiece.

“Hange, get all the brats ready. We’re moving out as soon as I get back to base.”

* * *

“It’s still warm,” Hange said, her hand gripping a coffee mug. “They must have just fled.”

“Shit,” Levi cursed in frustration, dropping his rifle. The information the woman had given him was true – upon breaking into it much too easily, this produce farm was indeed a concealed military establishment belonging to the Starkan army. The note had also informed him that the Starkan commander, Victor Baal, would be present, so Levi had prepared an entire assassination operation at the speed of light – which made the complete bareness of the place even more of a disappointment.

It was also annoyingly pristine and unassuming at a first glance. The small room they were in looked like nothing more than a quaint, family-style common area, with hand-crafted rugs, a large wooden table and an attached kitchenette, where the coffee kettle still rested on a gas stove. Levi’s former squad, now led by Jean, as well as Reiner, Pieck and Annie had needed to very nearly demolish all the hidden chambers in order to discover the vast array of training areas, supplies and, most importantly, technological equipment.

“They appear to have left all equipment behind, including fuel and computers,” Armin confirmed as he walked back in, Jean, Connie and Mikasa following suit. “There is a massive storage room below us, fully equipped. At least that’s a good thing, right?”

“If they’re not laced with explosives that’ll paint the walls with our brains, then yes. Terrific,” replied Annie, who had given up any and all exploration upon realizing they’d been outrun, and was lounging casually on one of the chairs. Mikasa glared at her for the sarcastic way she’d talked to Armin, but the blonde merely rolled her eyes as if to say there was no other possible response.

“I already asked Magath to send tech support our way. Until then, if there’s nothing else, I suppose we can’t do much other than try not to get too depressed,” Hange sighed, rubbing her temples. Despite her words, the cat-and-mouse chase this war consisted of was really jarring – they’d finally gotten a good lead, they were _so_ close, and they blew it.

All heads in the room whipped up, however, when one of the doors slammed against the wall. Reiner barged in, along with Pieck, both of them wearing distressed expressions.

“All of you need to come down to the storage room, now!”

“There’s weapons, Reiner, we know already-“

“I found a trap door,” Pieck interrupted. “We haven’t opened it fully yet, but… it smells like death.”

Upon walking into the spacious area, where the walls were laced with rifles and carefully attached explosive devices, as well as labeled boxes piled neatly behind pillars, the soldiers collectively covered their faces with their elbows. They were all used to the smell of corpses, but this level of decay and putrefaction could make anyone dizzy. Connie gagged almost instantly, not even reaching the top of the staircase before spilling the inside of his stomach.

“Do you need him for this?” Mikasa tilted her head towards her retching teammate while addressing Pieck. The brunette shook her head no, so Mikasa turned towards him fully.

“Connie, go and bring some wet rags. Take your time.”

“And clean that up,” Levi mumbled under his breath, upper lip curled in disgust. “Only other stench we need now is someone’s shit.”

Hange only graced her friend with a patient look, coughing into her fist. Her bespectacled eyes were inspecting the floor intensely, focusing on the small dent in the tiles. She hadn’t been in this room before, but it looked as though Reiner and Pieck had moved the asymmetrical tiles around in order to create the opening.

“How did you start opening it?”

“Better yet, how did you even _see_ it?” Jean asked Pieck, holding the collar of his shirt over his nose. “Is that what happens when your face stays real close to floors for a long time?”

Severely unimpressed, the brunette merely pointed at the tiles lining the floor. They varied in shape and shades of grey, almost forming a pattern and yet not quite.

“If you press on them with your… hands, these tiles move. Also, the Starkans’ army symbol is a grey wolf. I figured I’d try arranging them to get that shape and… I got that small opening.”

Levi clicked his tongue. “So we’re going to have to play puzzle here?”

“No,” Armin replied, walking around the room with his eyebrows deeply creased in thought. “Based on the stench, and since we know that Starkans burn their bodies like we do, I think whatever is down there is a mass grave for prisoners and traitors. It would then have to be impossible to open from the inside, but-“

“Easy to access from the outside,” Hange finished his line of thought, very quickly deducing where Armin’s hypothesis was headed. “Also – have any of you found a possible way for an entire platoon to escape without being seen?”

Reiner huffed negatively. “You’re saying that’s what they used to flee?”

“That’s right,” Armin nodded, sharing a meaningful glance with his former Commander. “That makes it even more important for this trap door to open easily and quickly.”

The blond man crouched to the floor, his sky blue eyes gazing back and forth between the tiles with dashing speed and the wheels in his brain vigorously turning. No one spoke for a few pregnant moments, and they all held their breaths when Armin gently touched one tile, then pushed it with all his strength, huffing with the effort.

A loud machinery noise echoed in the room, and they all had to regain a sense of their footing as the floor moved with them. A gaping hole appeared in the floor, in the place of a grey wolf’s howling mouth.

“Holy shit,” Connie, who’d just begun his descent down the stairs, gaped. Instantly, though, he had to cover his nose and mouth with one of the wet towels he’d procured, promptly throwing the rest of them to his teammates as the stench became very nearly unbearable.

Levi turned his flashlight on and took the lead, overcome with a sense of impatience – after all, if the Starkans had escaped through this passage, there was still a chance they might be able to catch up if they moved quickly. “Let’s go.”

The first thing the Captain stepped on was a pool of moisture, and then something squelched beneath his foot. So much for shit being the last thing they needed. There seemed to be lightbulbs on the ceiling, yet inconveniently they weren’t functional. Levi pointed the light towards the wet floor and, unsurprisingly, he was met with floating bones, as well as feces and decomposed flesh that had not yet fully disintegrated.

It was a good thing Marley never had sewage overflows, though it might be a good idea for them to check for corpses – or the enemy - from time to time.

“They seem to have gone either forward or backward. Reiner, do you have any clues?”

“I’m not exactly familiar with the sewers, but my guess is they went towards the ocean. The other way leads to the water filtering facilities.”

“And they never mentioned having to filter human bones?” Jean replied bitingly. Out of all of them, he had the hardest time warming up to the idea that now they were working and living with their former enemies, still holding a grudge on Reiner in particular.

Reiner sighed. “No. But since a Starkan spy is what got us here in the first place, it’s safe to assume they have spies in plenty of other places, and they’re not as helpful as the one Captain Levi met.”

“I wonder what’s going to happen to her,” Armin voiced sadly, trying his hardest not to stare at the decay around him or reply to his own question.

Levi kept silent, but the matter was twisting his gut as well.

“Do you guys hear that?” Connie asked quietly, bringing the team to a full stop. Indeed, from a few meters away, they could hear… moaning?

“Oi! Is anyone alive in here?” he broke off into a sprint, despite his comrades reaching out to stop him. Mikasa darted to run after him, yet she yelped after tripping on a very sturdy obstacle. Her reflexes prevented her from falling, but she gasped loudly when the flashlight revealed what had tripped her.

A battered man wheezing for air.

“Hange, I need the first aid kit!”

“Me too!” yelled Connie, who was trying to bring the body of a woman into an upright position, wincing as she broke into a violent coughing fit.

“Same here,” Annie called out, her arms fully submerged as she lifted another breathing person from the filthy waters.

The soldiers scrambled to offer first aid, at the same time trying to figure out if there were any more survivors that needed it. Something caught Levi’s peripheral vision, causing him to leave Mikasa and Pieck to tend to one of the victims by themselves.

“Levi, is there anyone else?” Hange questioned, but the Captain didn’t reply, cautiously approaching a patch of rippling water. He turned the flashlight to its brightest setting, and the breath promptly left his lungs.

The woman from the teashop made eye contact with him immediately, just like last time, but now her bruised, swollen eyes showed despair instead of quiet confidence.

“…Run,” she choked, her voice barely coming out. Levi could see the extent to which she’d been beaten – no, _tortured_ – even through the water and dim light. Her plea almost failed to register.

“Dammit. All of you, grab the survivors and head back!”

“-evi… no… run, _now_ ,” she begged again, and this time Levi fully understood the urgency in her tone. The entire corridor was slowly becoming brighter. Squinting, the Captain realized with utter horror what the source was – the bulbs on the ceiling weren’t light bulbs. They were concealed grenades. And they were all exploding.

“Move OUT!” he barked, just as the sound of the explosions caught up with the light. Levi threw the girl over his shoulder, momentarily unable to care about the state of her injuries, and ran back along with his comrades. A string of curses left their mouths when the corridor boomed, almost throwing them up into the air from the force of the sound alone – there was no way they’d make it in time.

The last grenade exploded, and everything turned white.

* * *

“Good call, Reiner,” Hange breathed, slumping against the carcass of the Armored Titan. Reiner simply nodded, not having the energy for anything else – protecting everyone from the explosion without bursting through the ceiling with his titan form had momentarily winded him.

“Oi! Are you alright in there? There was an earthquake in the entire capital!”

That was Magath’s voice, and it was safe to say most of them had never been so happy to hear him.

Thankfully, he’d had the insight to bring a medical unit as well, which promptly began stabilizing the four survivors they’d managed to collect. No one wondered if there may have been any more – there was little point in doing so, after all. Even the foul smell had been replaced with grenade fumes.

“They knew we’d figure the trap door out,” Jean sighed, holding a pack of ice over the minor head bruise the explosion had gifted him with. “Dammit. Every enemy we face, it seems like they’re always a step ahead.”

“And yet they obviously didn’t expect Reiner to have such good control over his titan form,” Pieck countered. “I really doubt they were planning to leave all this equipment intact.”

“That may very well be so, but so far it looks like we’re going to have to learn how to use it all,” Hange mused, feeling a rifle up. The tech support unit had, so far, confirmed her fears – this weaponry was more advanced than anything produced in Marley. Their allies from Hizuru would be of great help, but although they could measure up to the Starkans regarding their technological prowess, the two countries had very different methods and approaches. “Add to that the modifications we’ll have to make so we don’t end up being predictable… it’s going to take a lot of time and resources before we can actually use any of it.”

“Maybe not,” said Levi, surprising Hange to a degree. He’d been so quiet ever since they’d escaped the sewers – she knew something must have happened in there for the brunet to become so uncharacteristically lost in thought, and the scientist knew him well enough. She glanced his way inquisitively.

Despite his indifferent façade, the Captain’s eyes were fixating on the four survivors still receiving medical attention. The woman from the teashop in particular, though he had yet to reveal to his comrades that the small, nearly broken form currently getting bandaged from head to toe was the one who’d revealed this place to them.

“Maybe _they_ can help with that.”

A shared look of surprise was shared amongst the group, with Magath silently snorting through his nose. “You think they’d be willing to help _us_?”

“Is that so far-fetched? We saved their lives, and their previous employers obviously haven’t treated them very well,” Levi said casually, arms crossed and back leaning against the wall. He then eyed his former foes pointedly. “The Starkans have been one step ahead of us all this time, and these four might be our one good chance to finally penetrate their defenses. Plus, it wouldn’t be the first time someone had a change of heart.”

Magath, Reiner, Annie and Pieck averted their eyes, the Captain’s point obviously striking a chord. Hange, however, was not entirely convinced, yet she didn’t question her dear friend’s suggestion in front of everyone else.

“One of them is conscious, sir,” a doctor came up to Levi, and the Captain turned around so fast Hange thought he would strain a muscle. He noticed that the other woman they’d rescued was sitting up against the wall, and the brunet’s shoulders minimally slumped, but he still approached her with a confident stride.

This time, Hange did dart after him.

“Don’t you think we should at least get them to a proper infirmary before asking them to join us?” she whispered aggressively, grabbing Levi’s arm. “Or maybe figure out who the hell they are in the first place?”

Levi raised a brow. “No and no. They’ll have the mental clarity to think of more reasons to refuse once they recover, and it doesn’t really matter much who they are. They’re Starkans. That’s already an advantage for us.”

“Kiyomi won’t like this at all.”

“Kiyomi should have admitted the Starkan forces were overwhelming her troops in Shiganshina before they seized control of the city. She may just have to deal with this as a small compensation, not to mention she isn’t due to visit for two months.”

Hange sighed. “Why are you so convinced about this?”

He didn’t verbally reply, but his eyes involuntarily flitted to the young girl from the teashop. Both of her arms had needed to be popped back into place, all of her fingernails and toenails were missing and there surely must have been a lot of internal damage that he couldn’t see, based on the severe bruises littering her entire body. Hange followed his gaze and drew in a sharp breath.

“…Is that her?”

Levi let her draw her own conclusions and knelt in front of the conscious woman. She seemed to be about his and Hange’s age, maybe a tad older, with a dark complexion, a sturdy build and the curliest black hair the Captain had ever seen. Her plump lips were dried out, with a deep cut that reached her chin and had needed stitches. It would likely leave a long scar. Levi felt a pang of sympathy – after all, he was lucky to have regained his eyesight, but the marks on his face would stay with him forever.

He opened his mouth, no doubt to very directly get to the point, yet Hange beat him to it.

“Hey there. How are you feeling?”

As always, she backed him up even when she didn’t necessarily agree with him. Levi gave the scientist a brief, but grateful look.

Dark brown eyes moved from one to the other, and the woman put in an enormous amount of effort to lift a brow. “…Like I almost died surrounded by shit.”

Levi let out a snort, and Hange shook her head, rubbed the bridge of her nose and rose to her feet. “I’ll… leave you with him. I think you’ll get along.”

She walked away, likely to inform their other comrades about what the plan of action was, which left Levi to grace the woman with a nod meant to inform her that he meant no harm.

“A long ass scar… short as all hell… oh, fuck me,” she chortled, bursting into strained laughter. Her Marleyan was a bit choppy and not at all as perfect as the teashop woman’s, but then again she didn’t seem like a proper type of person. “Don’t tell me you are who I think you are.”

“I am. And you are?”

“Anya. Anya Murphy. How the hell did y’all manage to find this place?”

Levi sighed. “With some… help.”

Anya squinted in thought for a couple of seconds, after which her face formed a grimace. “Shit. That’s what they were questioning that poor little thing for, huh.”

“They?” Levi prompted her further, to which Anya sighed, wincing at the sting of her injuries. He couldn’t tell for sure, but it looked like she’d been whipped.

“I don’t know how much the doll told you, but this is where the counter-espionage unit operated. So any and all unlucky bastards who did something behind big daddy Victor’s back would be dragged here, have all information tortured out of them and then be thrown in the sewers to die. Today was supposed to be me and a few others, but they’d barely gotten started when Victor dragged _her_ in. Beat the hell out of her, she still didn’t talk. Then he got a call and ordered everyone to leave everything and flee. That includes me,” she said, gazing left and right. “And whoever else you managed to drag out of that hellhole alive.”

“So Victor Baal works directly with his counter-espionage unit?” Levi asked, ignoring the dread settling in his stomach. Increasingly, he felt like somehow this near failure of an operation was his fault.

Anya groaned in his face. “Listen man, I ain’t born yesterday. I _am_ gonna work with you, I didn’t kill my entire fucking squad because I love Baal or his cocksucking Jaegerists. But for _fuck’s_ sake, let me breathe, will you?”

In Levi’s book, that was a by-the-book success. Only when he agreed and rose to his feet did he notice the entirety of his former squad staring, with equally stupefied expressions.

Well, except Mikasa. She was more amused than Levi had ever seen her – at least since Eren died.

“Fuck are y’all looking at?”

“N-Nothing,” they stuttered collectively, reverting to their brat persona (as Levi liked to call it in the safety of his own mind) and scampered away. If the Captain was amused, he didn’t let it show – he’d never once reacted to anyone talking shit in his face, yet the brats still had the impression he would wreak havoc on the realm if such thing happened. It was funnier than it should be.

“Adam has agreed as well,” Hange appeared by his side.

“Who the fuck is Adam?”

The scientist gestured towards the older of the two men they’d rescued. He’d apparently gone right back to taking a nap after speaking with Hange, which was understandable considering the massive concussion he must have had, as well as his age. He looked well into his fifties, if not early sixties.

“Adam Tesla. He worked as a military engineer for the Starkans. He wanted to retire, but then realized that his wife had died without him being notified, and his two daughters were sold on the black market – he’d thought that producing weapons for the military would offer his family protection from Baal’s regime, but the army had conveniently ‘forgotten’. So he hacked all of their systems trying to find his daughters’ location, and ended up here.”

“You got all that from him in such a short time?” Levi asked in mild surprise, masking the sheer disgust the man’s life story evoked in him. For a nation that justified its ambition for dominance through a supposed spread of ‘modernity and civilization’, that sounded awfully primitive.

“You have your talents, I have mine,” Hange nudged him, her face turning serious after only a second of playfulness. “We should really head back now and let the tech team relocate all this equipment. I’ll take care of the other boy when he wakes up and you can talk to your spy.”

Levi sighed. “Right.”

* * *

Levi instantly knew the girl was awake, since she announced it by breaking into a very violent, rattling coughing fit. He tried not to wince – based on the medical report, she had several broken ribs. Breathing must have been painful as shit, let alone coughing.

Predictably, she keened in pain, gasping for air. The Captain rose from his chair and approached her bed, grabbing the glass of water from the nightstand. He pulled her up into a sitting position and went to make her drink immediately, but he was left blinking in stupefaction when she spat the liquid in his face.

Levi sighed.

“I’m not poisoning you. You need to drink water so you’ll stop coughing.”

At the sound of his voice, the girl opened her E/C eyes. They were bloodshot and squinting, yet he could tell that recognition hit instantly. She accepted the water this time, her features contorting in discomfort as she swallowed, and took a heaving breath while Levi carefully rested her head against the cushioned headboard.

“…Sorry,” she said hoarsely, watching him wipe the liquid off his face with a napkin. The Captain was a bit taken aback by the fact that she decided to speak Eldian, but somehow that made him involuntarily release some of the tension in his shoulders. It had been so long, after all, and even the former Scouts had taken to speaking Marleyan nearly 24/7 since it had become the norm.

“Don’t sweat it. I should have expected it.”

She hummed noncommittally, flinching as she tried to adjust her position in order to face him better. He couldn’t quite pinpoint the expression on her face, perhaps because almost half of it was bandaged, but it was something akin to deep regret – a stark contrast to the fake, but bubbly smile she’d greeted him with in the teashop.

“Did you all… make it?”

“Yes. And three other survivors we managed to rescue.”

“I see…Thank you,” the girl muttered, averting her gaze. “You didn’t have to… but I’m glad you’re all safe.”

Her Eldian was as perfect as her Marleyan, he couldn’t help but notice, but then again Levi figured he shouldn’t be so surprised – she _was_ a spy.

“What’s your real name?” he changed the subject. He got the feeling that she required a much more delicate approach than Anya, so the Captain tried not to comment on matters which could very easily upset her further. It was plain to see – whatever had been done to her had left her in pieces.

“F/N L/N.”

Silence reigned for a while. Levi’s initial plan had been to make sure all four agreed to join their cause first and then deal with whatever happened afterwards – and yet, ever since he’d locked eyes with her in the sewers, there was a gnawing feeling in his chest that bothered him no end. No doubt, it would continue to eat at him until he received an answer, so the Captain decided to just throw it out into the open.

However, F/N spoke sooner than him.

“There is something you want, isn’t there?” she asked softly, and Levi realized she’d been studying his features. “You don’t have to worry. I’ll give you all the information I have.”

He sighed. “Before I get into any of that, I want to know one thing. How did the Starkans find out about what you did?”

His gut instinct had been right – F/N’s wistful expression turned into complete heartbreak. She closed her eyes and heaved a deep, yet uneven breath. Levi couldn’t take it back, however, so he simply waited for her to reply.

“I wasn’t sure at first… I planned every little thing and I was so, so careful. But I think I messed it up at the end,” she spoke, gazing into his eyes with a fragile inquisitiveness. “I should have kept you nearby until you were completely out of range. You said something through radio station after I left, didn’t you?”

Levi’s eyes widened minimally. He offered no reply, but he was beginning to understand the crucial error that had been made. That reaction was all the confirmation F/N required anyway.

“There were signal interceptors installed throughout the shop. I assume that your team employs codification, but it would only take the Starkan tech units a few hours to decipher it at most. I’m so sorry,” she shook her head, visibly ridden with guilt. “Your comrades almost died because of me – and for nothing. I guess Victor managed to blow up the base too.”

“…Shit,” was all Levi managed to say, his form hunching in the chair, forehead leaning into both of his hands. A wave of remorse and frustration washed over him – he hadn’t taken her seriously enough. He’d been approached by so many frauds in the past months, but that wasn’t an excuse. He’d allowed his mind to wander during their exchange, thinking of possibilities and motives, yet not safety. Only the contents of the note itself had revealed the actual significance of the risks this girl had taken, and then Levi had been too focused on acting upon the chance he’d been given to consider the danger of compromising her.

His gaze roamed her up and down, this time taking everything in. Joey, the other boy, had been lucky enough to get out of there with no injuries, and the other two had patterned, methodically attained wounds – whipping, stabbing injuries. F/N had been treated with no such methods – Levi had seen plenty of wounds before. He could reconstruct the entire incident if he put his mind to it: they’d started by ripping her nails off. Then they’d broken her arms. Then, in sheer anger and impatience, followed ruthless, aimless beating.

She’d trusted him with important information and that’s what she’d received in return.

“…The base and all of the equipment stayed intact,” Levi voiced. That seemed to snap her out of her haze, for F/N blinked in mild surprise.

“Oh.”

“The tech and engineering units have already begun their work on the equipment. We’re converting the establishment into a base of our own. All Marleyan employees in charge of water filtering are going through security checks. We managed to save three people who would have otherwise been dead and forgotten in filth. All of that is thanks to you. You have no reason to blame yourself for what happened.”

F/N stared, tears welling up in her eyes at his words. She wanted to say something, but her throat was too tight. Instead, she blinked the moisture away from her eyes and offered a small nod. Levi rose from his seat, fully intending to leave at this point – after all, it was the middle of the night and he needed to process this information so he could be functional once sunrise rolled along.

“Levi?”

He turned around.

“You really are a gentle man.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya! Many thanks to all who stopped by to read, offer kudos and leave comments on the first chapter! I appreciate it loads <3 Hope you enjoy this one!

“Miss F/N.”

She mumbled something unintelligible, turning on her other side. Thankfully, her ribs had healed enough to prevent her from wheezing in pain with the movement – the lack of bandages around her face also made sleeping so much more comfortable, when F/N finally ended up succumbing to it. She hated it with every fiber of her being, yet there wasn’t much else for her to do during the past month other than sleep.

“Miss F/N, you have to wake up.”

F/N sighed, opening an eye to look at Falco’s cute little face. He and the other kiddo around, Gabi, had been taking turns bringing her meals and various other things in the past weeks. Apparently, they wanted to be helpful to the older soldiers, since they still had a year left before they could properly enroll in the military. F/N was saddened when they’d revealed this ambition to her, but in a way she could understand – once you’ve been on the frontlines, it was very difficult to sit idly, regardless of your age.

She had to admit, waking up to two adorable kids was much more pleasant than having the doctor come in – she hadn’t mentioned it to anyone, but F/N couldn’t quite stomach him. He had a bad habit of making her feel like she was exaggerating the pain she was in, his ‘routine’ examinations involved a suspicious amount of roaming hands and he’d kept her bedridden all this time – she knew from Falco and Gabi that the other three survivors had already been cleared, recovering in their new home, the Marleyan barracks. She had yet to even be allowed to walk, which was already becoming increasingly preposterous – she’d tried it unsupervised at night, and she was just fine. Also, a part of her was intrigued by the prospect of meeting her fellow renegades. In the chaos of the sewers, F/N hadn’t even managed to get a glimpse of their faces, and they hadn’t set foot inside her assigned room, not even after being discharged. She sometimes wondered if they held resentment for her for some reason, but then she remembered that only the higher ranking soldiers had introduced themselves: Hange, Magath and, implicitly, Levi.

F/N had been surprised when Levi finally made the proposition for her to join their forces. She had expected to put the information she possessed to good use, yes, but she was still nothing more than a compromised spy. She was useless in the field, since her identity was known. And yet, Levi had insisted – she didn’t have to be a spy, she could be a soldier.

All of her subsequent doubts had been promptly put down.

Her knowledge of weaponry was limited? She could learn.

Never used mobility gear in her life? There was a first for anything.

Her hand-to-hand combat skills were mediocre? He would teach her himself.

F/N couldn’t figure out why he was so adamant, but she’d agreed. Of course she had. She’d thought there was no purpose left for her, no reason for her to still be alive, nothing of use she could still provide. If even one person thought otherwise, though, then she would try her very best to prove them right.

If only she could get the fuck out of that bed.

“Hey, Falco,” she greeted through a yawn, stretching her nearly atrophied limbs. “How are you today?”

“Good,” he smiled, setting a tray on her nightstand. “It’s my birthday, actually,” he added shyly.

F/N gasped loudly, patting him on the head. She tried not to let her lack of nails bother her too much – it was strange, but not permanent. “Happy birthday! What are you doing here, then? Why aren’t you celebrating?”

“Well, I want to. But I’m waiting for everyone to come back to base. I thought I’d make cake for everybody.”

F/N hummed – indeed, she had received no visits from anyone other than Falco, Gabi and her insufferable doctor during the past couple of days. Not even from Levi, who visited her almost every day. They must have left for an assignment.

“You know how to bake a cake?” she asked with a small smile, gratefully accepting the bowl of soup. Cauliflower soup _again_ , F/N couldn’t help but notice, chuckling quietly to herself. One of these days, she’d have to finally admit to Levi that she hated it with a passion, and her order at the teashop had been predetermined. She was, however, too hungry to be fussy – her appetite had finally returned.

Falco blushed at the question. “Um, I’ve never done it before...”

“Hmm,” F/N pondered for a moment, an idea slowly forming in her head. “Have you asked Gabi for help?”

Bless his little heart. One had to have lived in a cave to fail to notice the sweet, budding romance between those two, for the boy turned crimson at her question.

“S-She’s in town too. U-Um, don’t tell her I know, but I think she’s buying me a present.”

F/N very nearly cooed. These two were a big part of the reason why she managed to pull herself together in the past weeks – after all, who could mope around a couple of sweethearts?

She grinned, her eyes holding a mischievous glimmer. “So, there is no one around here for now?”

“The soldiers assigned for guard duty are here, and Mister Adam, Mister Joey and Miss Anya-“

“Mhmm. Well, in that case, I have a deal for you.”

Falco cocked his head in confusion. “A deal?”

F/N motioned for him to come closer, so she could whisper in his ear. “If you get me out of the infirmary, I’ll help you bake that cake.”

The boy gasped, his eyes turning wide. “But you’re not allowed to-“

“-Get out of bed, I know. But that’s ridiculous at this point. I can move just fine, but no one here wants to believe me,” she explained, employing a strategic little pout. Falco obviously felt for her, but he was still reluctant, she could tell.

“I don’t know… I don’t want to upset Captain Levi… He’s scary.”

F/N raised a brow at that. “Is he now? I think he’s actually quite nice.”

The poor boy was momentarily too stumped to offer a reply to that, so F/N shook her head and gave him a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry. I’m a big girl, if anyone gets upset then I will be the one dealing with them, not you. Plus, I can make a mean chocolate cake.”

Falco finally agreed, and she thanked him by excitedly ruffling his hair. For the first time in… longer than she could remember, she actually felt giddy for something.

And, true to her word, F/N easily stood on her own feet and began rummaging around the room to find a decent set of clothing – the short, transparent white robes she was constantly given to wear were another reason she couldn’t stand the doctor’s guts. In fact, Falco turned around so quickly he nearly popped a vein in his neck – he was used to seeing her lying in bed, covered by the sheets. He hadn’t expected… this.

“Could you keep watch outside, please? We don’t want to get caught before the fun even begins,” F/N said tactfully. As expected, the boy barely uttered an affirmative response before practically bolting outside.

She giggled to herself, then exhaled a breath of relief upon opening the small closet next to the window. Thank goodness. F/N quickly grabbed some fresh underwear, black leggings and a light blue, button-up shirt and walked into the attached bathroom. She was incredibly thankful for her little deal with Gabi – after a particularly unpleasant incident with her doctor, F/N had made a secret arrangement with the girl. F/N started bathing by herself, while Gabi claimed she had taken onto those duties for her – the young woman hadn’t divulged the real reason behind it, opting to just tell her that she wanted to at least do _something_ by herself, but it was a welcome change regardless.

After a quick cleanup and a check on her remaining bandages, F/N spared one look in the mirror. She wasn’t a doctor, but this looked like a nice recovery to her. Admittedly, there were still a few injuries that needed further healing and she was still a little bit underweight, but those problems could be solved outside of this hellhole of a room. Maybe it was because her mental state was finally showing improvement, but F/N had had enough at this point.

“All clear?” she asked, poking her head outside the room. It was as if even the air itself was different, fresher.

“Let’s go,” said Falco, taking the lead and quietly, but quickly leading her somewhere. She made a point of remembering the various turns, gazing at the corridors and attached doors with interest. The infirmary seemed to be attached to the barracks, which was a bit strange to her – there were special areas destined for everything in Starke – but somehow, although bare, this place felt much more welcoming.

They ended up in a spacious area, filled with tables and chairs, and F/N realized it must be a sort of common room. Modest, but charming. She instantly loved it.

“The kitchen is here,” Falco said quietly, taking this sneaking-around business very seriously and opening another door. F/N chuckled, but raised her brows in appreciation upon stepping inside. It was quite large, and there were numerous labeled boxes neatly stocked in easily accessible places. All the pots, pans and kitchen utensils had a designated place, and there wasn’t a single dirty spoon in the entire kitchen.

“Wow, it’s so tidy,” she couldn’t help but say in awe. After all, unlike Starke, where they had people specially assigned for cleaning duties, Marley covered that by soldier rotation as far as she knew. They must be a very neat bunch, and in her experience, soldiers were anything but.

Falco turned to her, wearing a very serious expression. “Captain Levi always wants everything to be perfectly clean. It’s how it’s been ever since he moved here.”

“Oh?” F/N tilted her head, admittedly amused by this revelation. She couldn’t help but wonder where that particular quirk of his stemmed from.

“We’re going to have to clean everything before he gets here, and clean it _right_.”

She couldn’t help but burst into giggles. Why was the poor boy so scared of Levi? Yes, the way he said things could be coarse, but F/N hadn’t once heard a malicious word come out of the man’s mouth since she’d met him.

“Miss F/N! I’m serious!”

“Okay, okay,” she raised her hands defensively, containing her mirth for his sake. “We’ll clean everything, three times. Now let’s see, there’s flour, eggs, cocoa…”

* * *

“Wow,” Falco gaped for the umpteenth time, staring at the tall, delicious looking cake. F/N, who was having much more fun than she felt comfortable admitting, had decided to go all out and form cute little patterns in the chocolate buttercream.

“It looks so good!”

The entire place admittedly smelled amazing, and F/N smiled. The scent brought back happy memories, a welcome change from what she’d lived in recent times. She applied the last detail and sent Falco a knowing look. “Do you want to lick the spoon?”

“Can I??”

“Well, I’ll be,” an unfamiliar voice made them both jolt and turn around, only to meet three different pairs of eyes.

“Whoa, that is _massive_!” a blue eyed, young man whistled, jogging ahead of the other two individuals to get a better look. He was tall, skinny and had a pale complexion, with a tuft of curly brown hair. “This is the surprise you were talking about, Falco?”

“It’s better!” the boy laughed, his eyes closing in bliss as he licked the gooey wooden spoon clean. “Miss F/N, this is delicious!”

Her name seemed to spark recognition in all of them, which led to a rather uncomfortable moment of them staring at her, while she understood who exactly they were.

“It’s good to finally meet you,” F/N eventually said, testing the waters more than anything. “You all seem to have recovered nicely.”

“Wait – you were discharged?” the same young man exclaimed, as if in disbelief. Upon giving him a better look, there were no traces of physical wounds that she could see, and F/N realized he must have been the one who’d been lucky enough not to get whipped before the Starkans fled. “They said your doctor wanted to keep you in bed for another two months.”

F/N simply shrugged. “Well, I disagreed with that.”

“I-I’m Joey,” he extended his hand, as if just remembering that they had yet to properly acquaint themselves, although they knew of each other. “Joey Fawkes.”

She smiled politely, accepting the handshake. The other, older man then approached her and F/N could immediately tell that, whatever was weighing down on his soul, he wasn’t coping well. The frown etched on his features wasn’t one of ill will, she could see that in his expressive brown eyes – he was just incredibly sad.

The man, whom she identified to be Adam, didn’t introduce himself or offer a handshake. Instead, after paying her one look, he reached out and scooped some buttercream off the cake with his finger.

Deep down, that gesture irked F/N, but she didn’t let it show.

“Not too sweet,” he commented with a surprisingly smooth voice. She offered a smile.

“It’s good,” Adam said, after which he walked straight to the gas stove and set a kettle on the flame, probably in order to make coffee or tea.

“Don’t mind him,” Anya whispered in her ear, laying a strong arm on her shoulder and speaking their mother tongue. “He still hasn’t gotten used to being here… and it’s not a happy story.”

F/N hummed in understanding, watching him with a sympathetic look.

“So why the hell haven’t you been discharged yet, sugar? You’re stick thin, but other than that you seem fine,” the woman said louder, in a rough Marleyan, grabbing her by the shoulders and staring at her up and down. Anya seemed to have a long scar through her lips and down her chin, but it had healed quite nicely from the looks of it.

F/N shrugged, not really eager to get into the topic concerning her doctor, especially around Falco.

“Ah, I’m not really sure. I guess doctor Meyer wants to clear me when I’m fully healed.”

That seemed to be the wrong thing to say, for Anya’s face instantly darkened – it was quite a scary sight. Next to her, Joey drew in a nervous breath.

“Meyer? Isn’t that the one you socked in the family jewels?” he asked Anya innocently. The brunette harrumphed.

“Stuck up piece of shit who can’t keep his hands to himself? You’ve been assigned to _him_? And you _haven’t_ kicked him in the dick?”

“Err,” F/N didn’t quite know how to respond, the whole subject making her extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed. She was not exactly used to having the liberty to issue complaints regarding other people’s treatment of her body. That seemed to become apparent, for Anya and Joey both regarded her with sudden understanding.

“Look, doll, I know you were in the espionage unit and I know what that means. But that’s over and done with now. Someone acts in a way you don’t like, you should say something. Or sucker punch them,” Anya said, adding the last part as an afterthought, as if she were talking about daisies. “Actually, Joey here trained to be a field medic and he’s pretty damn good. You can take a look at her, yeah?”

“Sure,” he grinned, white teeth showing. “If you’re okay with that, F/N. We should all have each other’s backs, after all.”

“Thanks,” F/N replied, a little bit too quickly. She recognized that they were trying to be helpful, but unfortunately the little pep talk only made her feel like a deer in headlights – it wasn’t a matter she was in any way happy to discuss, and she felt exposed. “I appreciate it, but I’m fine, really. I really should, ah, get started on cleaning this place though, huh Falco? I made a huge mess,” F/N forced herself to laugh, escaping the conversation altogether. Thankfully, Falco pretended to have not heard the exchange and nodded vigorously. He intended to get started on the dishes in the sink, yet F/N playfully pushed him away with her hip.

“Birthday boys don’t have to do cleanup,” she chided. “Also, shouldn’t your friends be back by now?”

“No!” surprisingly, all three of her compatriots yelled vehemently. F/N cocked her head to the side in befuddlement, but caught Adam, who was sipping his black coffee, subtly gesturing towards the door and then making a flashing motion with his hand.

Ahh, okay. She got it.

“How about we all clean together?” Joey proposed excitedly, not giving Falco enough time to properly question the outburst. “We’ll get it done faster and there’s less of a chance Captain Levi will have your heads!”

“What the hell is up with that?” F/N mumbled quietly to herself, but shook her head and joined the enthusiastic agreement. She grabbed a broom and got to work.

* * *

They were almost done, when Joey began a series of intense (and quite hilarious) gestures behind Falco’s back. F/N had to cover her smile with her hand.

“Why don’t you all take a break and hang out in the mess hall? I’ll finish in here,” she offered.

“Are you sure, Miss F/N?”

“Yes, yes, go on ahead,” the young woman waved him off, already taking her strategic position behind the cake. It was a good thing she’d had the inspiration to place it on a wheeled cart in the first place – there was no way she could carry something so heavy with her injuries.

“Alright, then,” Falco agreed with a wide smile. “Thank you again, Miss F/N!”

Anya inconspicuously passed her an object as she left, and F/N couldn’t help the happy giggle that escaped her mouth upon hearing the loud cheer that echoed as soon as they made their entrance into the mess hall. Falco was a great kid, he deserved it.

She quickly took the twelve candles out of the bag Anya had dropped into her hand and began placing them neatly on the cake. She lit them all with matchsticks and then, grimacing in pain from the effort, she pushed the cart into the mess hall.

Completely aware that her presence would be met with shock, F/N instantly began singing a birthday song, which they all had no choice but to join. She could still feel that she was being stared at, but this was Falco’s moment – and, anyway, she forgot all about it when she saw him being squished by Gabi in a tight hug. It was too cute.

“Make a wish and blow the candles!”

He did just that, and then he accepted his birthday wishes with a beaming face. “Can we all have cake now, Miss F/N?”

Gabi stared with wide eyes. “It looks _so_ good!”

“You have no idea!”

“The hell are you doing here?” F/N faced the inevitable, turning towards Levi halfway even as she began serving slices. She decided to take her chances and be a bit cheeky, offering him a plate.

“I made birthday cake.”

Predictably, he did not find her dry humor tasteful, but Hange stepped in before the Captain could respond.

“Anya told me you’ve been having the same trouble as her with Dr. Meyer?”

F/N exhaled through her nose. She’d wished to be able to weasel herself out of the situation without having to talk about it, she really had.

“What?”

“It’s nothing serious. I feel fine and I wanted to get out of bed. Obviously that wasn’t such a horrible idea, since I haven’t dropped dead yet.”

Unlike Anya, Hange immediately tuned in to her reluctance to speak of it and F/N was grateful that she dropped it. “I’ll go ahead and make the arrangements for you to be cleared then.”

“Thank you.”

The bespectacled scientist gave her a warm smile and, true to her word, walked out. Levi clicked his tongue.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Oh, hi!” F/N cheerfully greeted Levi’s former squad as they all came over to get their slices. “This is your team, right?” she addressed Levi, purposely ignoring his question. He grumbled something about it not being so officially anymore, obviously annoyed that she’d deflected him.

“How do you know?” Armin asked, raising a brow. “I mean, we weren’t allowed to visit you per doctor’s orders.”

“He talks about you guys a lot,” F/N grinned, eyeing each one of them for a moment. “Let’s see… Armin, Jean, Mikasa and Connie?”

“…Right,” said Connie, on behalf of all of them. “I didn’t know you liked us enough to talk about us, Captain.”

“Piss off, brats.”

F/N tried to contain her laughter when they did exactly as he said, but apparently she failed.

“Something funny?”

“No. It’s just,” she relented, not wanting to get on his nerves for evading two questions in a row. “Everyone seems to be so scared of you.”

“Tch.”

“Poor Falco was manic about cleaning the kitchen.”

Levi deadpanned, walking past her. F/N blinked for a moment, after which she had to hold her aching sides from the force of her laughter, following him back into the kitchen. She couldn’t believe it – he’d actually walked there to check if it was clean?

“At least it’s not despicable,” was the verdict.

She leaned against a sparkling clean counter, mirth dancing in her eyes. “Oh?”

“The wooden spoons are in the wrong place, there are condensation marks on the oven door and you missed a few crumbs on the floor.”

F/N watched as he moved around, fixing the errors he spoke of.

“Hmm. So what would happen if everything _weren’t_ spotlessly clean?”

Levi cocked his head at her, momentarily halting his actions. He didn’t speak right away. “Why _wouldn’t_ it be, if it _can_ be? We’re not pigs, so why live like them.”

“Have you lived like a pig before?” she prodded him further, observing the way he methodically wiped the oven door. It definitely didn’t look like something compulsive since he didn’t seem to think twice about getting dirty when the situation required it - it was probably a control issue.

The Captain sent her a look. “Are you trying to pick my brain again?”

F/N lifted her hands in surrender. She couldn’t help it sometimes – it was her natural charisma, coupled with her compassionate demeanor which made her easy to open up to that had gotten her recruited in the first place, and now that she possessed an entire arsenal of techniques, it was difficult not to employ them without thinking.

“You’re awfully curious about others for someone who barely talks about herself.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to prod.”

“That wasn’t my point,” Levi countered. However, he seemed to decide that pushing her was just as futile as her pushing him, so the Captain changed his approach. “Are you getting along well with the others?”

F/N tilted her head, offering a small shrug. “They’ve been kind to me so far.”

“Tch. I’d be surprised if they weren’t – they wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.”

F/N gazed at him with a small, genuine smile. From day one, he’d found ways to pepper in comments that would help build her up. So small that you could blink and miss them, and yet meaningful all the same. He didn’t have to, just like he didn’t have to save her from the sewers, and yet he did. Maybe it was hard to see for others, but she hadn’t specialized in reading people for nothing; in his own way, he was one of the kindest people she’d ever met.

“That wasn’t what I meant though,” Levi continued, unaware of the gentle expression in her eyes as she regarded him. “Could you see yourself working with them?”

That took her slightly off-guard. Crossing her arms over her chest, F/N walked over until she was at eye level with him and she lifted both eyebrows inquisitively. “What could you possibly have in mind that includes a special ops soldier, an engineer, a medic and a spy?”

Levi met her stare directly, and F/N instantly realized that there wasn’t a shroud of doubt in his mind regarding his idea. “A squad.”

* * *

“You still feel guilty about her, don’t you?” Hange’s quiet voice snapped Levi out of his haze. Uncharacteristically, he’d allowed his mind to wander, and it appeared that his gaze had decided to remain on F/N. She was seated alongside her compatriots, listening to Joey and Anya’s animated talk patiently and occasionally pitching in to say something or to try to include Adam in the conversation.

Levi had allowed Hange to drag him to breakfast that morning, even though it wasn’t his favorite activity after his routinely sleepless nights, and as the scientist placed a number of files on the table, he began to understand why.

He sighed in reply to her question, reading some lines from the files fugitively – he’d already done it a hundred and three times. “I wouldn’t call it guilt.”

“Hmm. Then what is it?”

The Captain clicked his tongue, his features showing his internal struggle to put his thoughts into words. “We’ve dealt with spies before, but she’s different. It’s like she can snap her fingers and get inside my head – she got me thinking about why I’m so adamant about _cleaning_ , for fuck’s sake.”

Hange couldn’t help but chuckle, despite the off-put glare she received for it. “Oh? And why _are_ you so adamant about cleaning?”

“I don’t fucking know. I didn’t let her get that far. Maybe it would have made me turn upside down and start living like a slob instead, how should I know,” he said dryly, a shiver going down his spine even as the words came out of his mouth. He’d never given it a second thought until F/N had implied it may have something to do with his upbringing – now he couldn’t stop thinking about it. A part of him wanted to know, a part of him was terrified of it. It was infuriating.

“Well, for one, the spies we’ve dealt with before were kids who simply infiltrated our ranks. She has a different kind of training. Are you concerned she has ulterior motives?”

“She’s given me no reason to think that.”

“Ah. So that’s what it is then. You’re scared she might, but she’s too good for you to realize it,” Hange deduced. Levi didn’t give her verbal confirmation, but it wasn’t like she needed any. “You’re not used to anyone being able to figure you out – not in such a short amount of time, at least – and you’re also not used to actually being interested in what someone has to say. I’m not saying we won’t continue to monitor all of them carefully, but maybe you should give her a bit more credit?”

Levi took some time to mull over his friend’s words, and ultimately he grunted in reluctant agreement. After all, since it had been decided that all four of the Starkan renegades would come to form a cohesive unit under his command, he would have plenty of time to make sure they were all loyal to their new allegiance. He just couldn’t help but feel a nagging discomfort – unlike the others, who were fairly easy for him to understand, talking with F/N sometimes felt like he was talking to a brick wall. She was cooperative, yet she was probably more adept than even Erwin at weaseling her way out of subjects she didn’t want to discuss. The fact that she could read him so easily while it was so hard for him to understand her also didn’t help.

“Well, since all of them have been discharged now, I think it’s time to get down to business, don’t you?” Hange brought him back to the present again, munching on a slice of buttered toast. Levi hadn’t commented on it, but deep down he found it endearing that Hange had discovered a passionate infatuation with all things dairy since they’d relocated to Marley. After all, animal products had been considered a luxury for the better part of their lives.

“Right,” he agreed. They’d convened that the interrogation process could wait until the newest additions to their forces were at least mostly recovered, their files now containing only the background the four of them had provided during the past month. Levi’s eyes annoyingly rested on F/N’s file first, where it was written that the twenty-four year old had grown up in a very high-profile family of politicians and her recruitment had occurred on the same day that Victor Baal came to power. That had interrupted her superior studies, which revolved around history and politics – fitting, Levi had to admit. The details pertaining to her family and her experience in the Starkan espionage unit were still blank, while the reason for her treason was decidedly obvious.

Next, he glanced at Joey’s file. He was the oldest of five, and at twenty years of age he’d decided to use his natural caregiving skills in order to join the army and get a better salary to support the rest of his orphaned siblings. Five years later, despite a lack of superior medical education, he was deemed proficient enough to be sent on the frontlines – at the same time, however, Baal’s rise to power had prompted him to quickly make arrangements to leave the military. That proved impossible, and all he managed to do was get his family out of the country and into Marley before being caught and facing trial.

In fact, that had been the soldiers’ assignment the previous day – they’d verified the address that Joey had given them, indeed meeting four kids ranging from ten to twenty years of age living in a cramped little space. Reiner had taken it upon himself to find a better living arrangement for them, and although Joey hadn’t been allowed to visit them himself, they were toying with the idea to allow it in the foreseeable future.

Adam seemed to only open up to Hange for some reason, and he hadn’t offered much other than his initial explanation – he didn’t like talking about it, and he hated being so far away from the possibility of finding his daughters even more. He was the one Levi was most concerned about – the Captain knew he would place his own interests over theirs in a heartbeat, and that was something he needed to control carefully.

Lastly, Anya was the most straightforward story. She disagreed with everything regarding Baal’s regime, she had no immediate family to worry about and she had none of Joey’s prudent nature or F/N’s finesse. The forty year old had snapped one day, killing her teammates as well as her squad leader in plain view. Apparently – and she was quite proud of this – eight soldiers had been required to finally detain her. She’d been in the special ops, so Levi was quite glad that at least one of them possessed fighting skills of high caliber.

“Do you want to do it the same way as last time? I talk with the men and leave the ladies to you?”

“No,” Levi replied after giving it some thought. “I think we should all do it, including the brats. They’re suspicious and they’re avoiding them.”

Levi couldn’t blame them – whether from the Paradise or Marleyan side, all younger soldiers were quietly distrustful of the four Starkans. They’d all experienced betrayal, so it was only natural. The only reason they hadn’t spoken of it was their respect for their Captain and Commander, and Magath respectively. Levi knew them well enough, however ( _his_ brats, at least), and their compassion always warmed them up. They’d lost so much, but they hadn’t lost that part of themselves yet.

“Alright, then. We’ll start after breakfast.”

* * *

Magath opened the door and F/N offered Joey a warm smile as he walked out. The young man was quite obviously worn out from the experience, but his blue eyes stubbornly remained bright. He returned the gesture, patting her on the shoulder as he walked past.

“You’ll feel better at the end,” he tried to encourage her. F/N didn’t quite believe it would be so, but she appreciated his words regardless.

She was the last to walk into the spacious office, and by this time it was already late afternoon. Embarrassingly, her stomach had begun singing with hunger – it was ridiculous, how her appetite had soared in the past days. She hoped her guts wouldn’t holler during the following ordeal, but then again F/N guessed she had bigger things to worry about.

She couldn’t hide or escape anymore – she’d have to talk. And no matter how much time she spent steeling herself outside that door, she knew how badly her vulnerability was going to affect her.

Although she knew better than to think it would be of any help, F/N straightened her shoulders and held her head up high as she took her seat, gazing at the faces surrounding her. They ranged from conflicted to disheartened to downright bored, if the blonde girl sitting cross legged on the windowsill was any indication.

F/N opened her mouth to say something that, for her own sake, would lighten the atmosphere and alleviate those heavy stares, but her stomach beat her to it by releasing the loudest growl she had ever heard coming out of her own damn self. She turned crimson.

Connie was the first to burst into laughter, followed by Jean, Hange, Reiner, and soon enough most inhabitants of the room were at the very least turning away to hide a smile, like Levi was.

“Me too,” said Annie, and even though she was dead serious, her inference only amplified the general hilarity. Connie sent her a sly look.

“What’s that, Annie? You want some pie?”

“Sorry, Annie,” added Reiner, despite the murderously sour expression on her face. “I seem to remember you’ve already eaten all the pie on the continent.”

“…Do we have pie or not?” F/N found it an appropriate time to pitch in, causing them to burst into laughter all over again because she wasn’t even aware of the inside joke.

“Alright, alright,” Magath waved his hands. “We’ll resume this after dinner.”

Walking into the mess hall, F/N was a bit disappointed that her compatriots weren’t there. She could understand they may all need time to themselves right then, but she wasn’t momentarily sure where to take a seat after getting her potato stew and leftover slice of cake from the day before. Her eyes searched for Levi, but found Jean’s waving hand instead.

Accepting the invitation with a small smile, she sat next to him and facing Mikasa. Out of all of them, she was the least talkative, and F/N couldn’t pretend that she didn’t know why. She had yet to reveal it, but she’d been obliged to study information pertaining to all of them.

“Thanks for the cue back there, we were all starving,” was Jean’s opening line, to which F/N released a soft snort.

“I can’t take credit. I’ve been hungry nonstop recently,” she admitted in Eldian, momentarily shocking them. They shared a few glances and visibly, albeit unconsciously relaxed, making F/N smile to herself – people always underestimated the power of language and how speaking one’s mother tongue could make them feel at home.

“I used to know someone like that,” Connie chuckled lightly, though the mirth didn’t reach his eyes. Instead, he gazed at the food wistfully. “Potato stew and chocolate cake… Sasha would have loved this.”

Their eyes all drooped with heartache and yet they smiled, as if they didn’t know which emotion was stronger – their grief or their affection for whomever they were remembering. Mikasa hummed, bringing a spoonful of cake to her lips.

“Sasha would have needed to be tied up over this.”

Her comment prompted a series of mild, approbatory chuckles to commence around the table, after which Armin leaned back and sighed.

“It’s so strange, isn’t it? Not long ago, all the people in this hall were on opposite sides of the battlefield, killing each other and those dear to them. Now we’re laughing together and eating the same food. I’m… still not used to it, if I’m honest.”

No one had a reply at the ready for him, so F/N sighed. “I know it probably won’t help, but it’s better food than anything in Starke.”

Her change of subject seemed to be a welcome one, for their eyes rested on her with interest.

“Oh, really? Somehow I expected everything to be better there,” Jean stated, not without bitterness in his tone.

F/N hummed negatively. “No. Not anymore, at least. Food isn’t viewed as something to be enjoyed or something to bond over. You have a strict plan made according to your body and what it is expected to achieve, and if that plan entails eating a piece of beef with porridge, then you’re eating a piece of beef with porridge.”

“Not anymore?” Armin questioned, always perceptive. “You mean since Victor Baal came to power?”

“Right. Things used to be very different, as I’m sure you’ve been told.”

They had been, and still there was curiosity lingering in their eyes. Connie opened his mouth to ask a question, however he was cut short by Levi appearing beside them.

“Come on, brats. We don’t have all day.”

F/N raised a brow at him. “Am I a brat, too?” she asked, just for the sake of it, because she was about to experience an unpleasant range of emotions soon enough and at least right then she still retained her sense of humor.

“You’re a pain in my ass,” was his deadpan, obviously sarcastic answer. She couldn’t help but grin, despite the looks she received for it – his sense of humor was crude, dry, but somehow it got the job done.

That small instance of relief was, however, short lived. Soon enough, she was back in the chair and there was no delaying it anymore.

The first question reached her ears, and she had no choice but to speak.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the lovely feedback, again! This one's a long little beast, but I hope you like it!  
> TW for this chapter that I forgot to mention before re-reading (sorry!) but I'll also add it to the story tags: panic attack

“…What?”

Hange was the first to break the deafening silence and gape at her, disbelief clearly etched on her features. F/N was not surprised – only one percent of the entirety of Starke’s population was privy to the information she had just revealed. Shock was to be expected.

“W-Wait, hold on a minute,” the scientist stuttered, adjusting her glasses and leaning over in her chair, as if the more engaged position would help her gain a better grasp of what was going on. “There’s a library containing wisdom from thousands of years ago in Starke, and Baal doesn’t _know_ about it?”

F/N nodded. “It’s the center of the country, the center of the capital. It’s the source of all knowledge we have ever possessed as a nation, and still more than half has yet to be deciphered. For centuries now, those in charge of it have masked it as a parliamentary building – some indeed take part in the lawmaking process, others have sworn a blood oath to never leave and it’s as though they don’t exist. No identification, no family, nothing more than studying and guarding the knowledge there with their lives.”

“I assume then that your parents posed as members of parliament?” Levi questioned, rhetorically rather than anything else.

“Yes. They were more… unconventional than most. I guess progressive would be the better word. They wanted to share our knowledge with the world. As you know, Starke was a peaceful nation for hundreds of years. We knew from the history we’d studied that war never proved beneficial to either side in the long term, and the general philosophy was that we would remain isolated and thrive until the other new nations recovered enough to be let in.”

“Recovered? Recovered from what?” inquired Armin, after which he apologized for interrupting her. F/N bit her lip – it felt so awfully strange to speak of it, when she’d been sworn to silence from such a young age. They’d repeatedly reassured her that the room was heavily equipped with devices meant to protect the information revealed there and prevent anyone from listening in, so F/N took a deep breath and let it all out.

“All of our nations… Marley, Paradise, Starke… they didn’t exist until a few hundred years ago, when people started over from scratch and once again had to realize the importance of communities, of states. There were many countries before that, much more advanced than ours, yet also greedy and violent. They had their own proclivity for bloodshed, and ultimately created a weapon that eradicated most of mankind – there were survivors, obviously, since we’re here today. However, it also left many residues around the world, unnatural substances that could cause abnormal effects ranging from deformities… to the titans, for example.”

That certainly captured their attention. How exactly Ymir Fritz acquired the power of the titans had remained a mystery to all of them and, after the Rumbling, Eren took the possibility of creating titans into the grave along with him. The thirteen year curse was eradicated, and the remaining possessors of the Nine Titans would die with their powers, as well.

“A weapon whose mere residue can cause something like the Curse of Ymir… a weapon like that existed?” Mikasa spoke up, her voice betraying her steely expression. She was absolutely horrified. F/N looked down in regret – it was depressing that a simple pool of technological concoctions had resulted in centuries of massacre.

“That’s why,” F/N continued carefully, weighing her words. “It’s so important that our knowledge remains safely guarded. It’s believed that the details of that weapon lay there with all the texts we have yet to decipher. Just think of what would happen if such information were to become available to the likes of Baal or Forster.”

One could slice the tension in that room with a spoon. A few tight glances were shared, with some, like Pieck and Magath, furiously scribbling down notes.

“What about your parents? What happened to them?” Jean asked her. It didn’t exactly make anything better, but F/N was thankful for the compassion she identified in the younger man’s eyes.

She did her best to relay it as objectively as possible – it wouldn’t do to lose control of her emotions in such a situation. She told them how her parents vocally supported the prospect of Starkan intervention the moment Marley attacked Paradise Island by demolishing Wall Maria. She told them about the social division that occurred in Starke for years after that, even within those who were aware of Starke’s most prized possession. Two opposing sides – one militating for isolation, the other for exposure.

She told them what they already knew, how Baal, who was vying for the presidential office, approached Zeke Jaeger and promised Starke’s support in return for him being placed in power. How Baal managed to use social dissent in his favor, gaining influence in the country by employing an aggressive discourse, appealing to the fear of the masses regarding the Rumbling. How, after Zeke died in Shiganshina, Floch took his place and sent his troops directly to Starke, helping to stage a coup, because the Rumbling appeared to be working.

How, after the very people F/N was addressing managed to stop the Rumbling, it was already too late – on that same day, Baal was in office, Forster had no choice but to agree to the proposition of an alliance between them and F/N’s parents were forced to choose between joining the ‘exposure’ they had supported so much, or death.

Her studies – in fact, her work deciphering texts in the secret library – had been halted. F/N’s first impulse had been to follow her parents straight to the execution line, yet she was heavily advised to accept recruitment. Her masters urged her to indulge Victor’s sick infatuation with her in order to seduce information out of him – and she did. The commander would interrupt her training, suddenly appear in her bed at night, make a show of his perverted desires for all to see – yet between the pain and the humiliation, he allowed things to slip past his lips. Things that helped F/N’s masters place the foundation for a small, but organized and steadily growing resistance movement in Starke. Things like Victor’s location, on the day she foolishly hoped she could get him assassinated.

“I was impatient,” she sighed, frustration evident on her features. “I had him so close to you, and you could have killed him there. He’s cocky, he likes being right under people’s noses without them knowing.”

_I could have done more, if I hadn’t been compromised._

“It’s pointless to regret it now,” Levi said, rising from his seat and pacing next to the window. It was dark outside, and the wind was howling.

He’d said that to her a million times, but now that he knew the background of her decision and _still_ believed she shouldn’t blame herself, F/N couldn’t help but sigh. It wasn’t much, but some of the weight of her failure was released from her shoulders.

“Last question. What was your mission?”

After hours of stubbornly fighting it, F/N gave in to the urge and began fidgeting. “Baal is… fascinated with human strength. Particularly that which can be achieved artificially. He’s very interested in the Ackerman lineage and one of his goals is to mimic the Ackerman genetic material on a large scale, implementing it in the army.”

“And?”

She swallowed the lump in her throat and looked Levi straight in the eyes. “And my mission was to seduce you, have you impregnate me and offer the embryo up for its DNA.”

At least two of the younger soldiers choked on their own breath, yet the Captain remained dead silent for a nearly unbearable amount of time. To say he was appalled was an understatement, but at the same time Levi understood F/N’s desperation. If she hadn’t done what she did, it was improbable that she would have gotten another chance and the girl would have been forced to continue her mission.

Whether or not seducing him would have proven feasible was irrelevant at that point – the mere nature of the mission, combined with the way she was treated by Baal, his direct involvement in her parents’ execution and the current state of the country she loved was more than enough reason for F/N to hate Baal with every fiber of her being. Levi could understand that hatred, that manic need to see someone’s life leave their eyes, preferably in agonizing pain.

“W-Wait, didn’t you say he, uh, with you, he-“

Reiner was visibly struggling to word his question and he regretted opening his mouth in the first place. F/N had no more energy to help anyone out at that point, so it was Pieck who ended his misery.

“Whatever you’re trying to say, the answer is no. Are we done here?” she asked tactfully, sending Hange and Magath pointed looks.

“Yes. Absolutely. Thank you, F/N. I don’t think it’s necessary for me to say that the information shared in this room will be divulged to absolutely _no one_?”

“Nope, we know,” replied Annie, casually whacking Reiner over the head as she hurried to make her exit. In fact, the room emptied fairly quickly, and F/N slumped in her chair. She suddenly felt nauseous and barely realized that not everyone had left.

“You look like you’re about to faint,” Levi commented, not missing the way her body jolted with his words. “Don’t be surprised, this is my office. There’s no point in me leaving, is there?”

“…Sorry,” was all F/N managed to mumble. She was drained, exhausted. Reliving all those horrid memories while maintaining her composure proved to be a much more gruesome experience than she’d expected. She couldn’t quite control her breathing or her racing heart and her stomach was doing somersaults. She had to get out of there, despite a voice in her head telling her she would barf all over Levi’s floor before she reached the door. “I’ll…”

“Tch.”

The Captain could recognize those telltale signs anywhere. “You’ll what? Go and have a panic attack on the corridor?” he didn’t wait for a reply, picking her up from the chair. He was mindful of her healing ribs, although F/N likely wouldn’t have felt anything in her state.

He had to admit, as he navigated the corridors with a hyperventilating woman in his arms, Levi missed his old office from Paradise Island, which had a bedroom attached. As it was, the Captain opened the door to his assigned sleeping quarters with his foot, figuring that F/N wouldn’t appreciate having to explain to Anya why their soon-to-be superior officer was dropping her off to their shared bunk in this condition.

“Drink some water, and don’t spit it in my face this time,” Levi said sternly, fetching a glass after he’d placed her on his bed, two pillows keeping her head elevated. She did her best to comply, thus Levi said nothing of the wet sheets when she inadvertently coughed some water out.

“I…I’m okay, t-thank you,” she tried to say, holding back tears. In truth, she was anything but – every time this happened, it felt as though she was going to die, suffocated and alone. However, the sting of humiliation made her want to bolt – she hated to be seen in anything less than a perfectly put together state.

Levi stopped, gracing her with an unimpressed glare. “Maybe if you stopped pretending for just a damn minute and focused on breathing normally, you would be.”

F/N remained quiet, turning her face away from him but following his instructions. She made no comment as Levi kindly pressed a cold, damp rag on her sweaty forehead, and neither did he when the tears finally escaped her eyes. After a few minutes and a bit more encouragement, F/N finally regained a sense of her breathing and her heart calmed down slightly. She was still nauseous, but even that was marginally better.

Levi mulled over an idea in his head for quite some time before deciding he would say it aloud.

“So what would happen if you _weren’t_ okay all the time?”

F/N’s breath hitched. She knew what he was doing – he was using her own psychological tricks against her. Her initial urge was to deflect, because of course it was, yet a part of her was already too vulnerable to fight it anymore. She wanted to allow herself this small moment of weakness – she was _tired_.

Just when Levi thought it was no use, that she wouldn’t answer at all, F/N did.

“I would… have to come to terms with the fact that I’m not. I’d have to accept just how much certain things affect me.”

The Captain opted to sit on the floor by the bed, his elbow leaning against the mattress. He made a noncommittal sound. “Is that so awful?”

F/N bit back a sob. “What’s the point? Who the fuck cares?” she replied angrily; it was the first time Levi heard her curse. “We’re at war and we need to get shit done, right? You know this even better than I do – we get the job done, we fight, we die. Why the fuck would it matter how we feel?”

Levi sighed, his expression conflicted. That mindset was all too familiar – he’d had it for nearly two decades of his life, after all. It had taken an encounter with death and a near genocide for it to change.

“I thought the same thing a while ago. But the truth is – it matters. We’re the ones fighting, yet at the same time we’re the ones pulling the strings. If we don’t stop to reflect on what’s inside, the outside can go to shit because of it,” he spoke, surprising even himself at the gentleness in his tone. He was still wary of her uncanny talent to gaze into his soul, but seeing her so vulnerable lessened his reluctance. In a way, Levi wished he could have heard the same words from someone, before things turned out the way they did.

“Eren… if someone had cared about what was going on inside _him_ , maybe the Rumbling wouldn’t have happened. If I’d stopped to think about what _I_ was feeling, maybe I wouldn’t have nearly lost my life, gotten these ugly ass scars and allowed Zeke to escape to Shiganshina.”

F/N stayed silent, listening intently to his words. In all the chaos, she had never had the insight to think of things in that light.

Levi rested there for a while longer, yet eventually he pushed himself up with what sounded like a defeated sigh. He mistook her contemplative quietness for something else.

“Give it some thought. You can sleep here tonight if you want.”

She turned around, her gaze following his lithe, but defined form as he took his leave.

“They’re not ugly,” F/N said, her voice so soft he almost didn’t hear her. Levi halted in the doorframe, eyeing her with a befuddled expression.

“What?”

“Your scars,” she elaborated, a small smile warming up her tear-stained features. “They’re not ugly. I think they complement your… brusque charm.”

“My brusque charm,” Levi repeated after her tonelessly, though a glimmer of amusement danced in his eyes. “That must be the most sophisticated way I have ever been called an asshole.”

F/N’s smile morphed into a frown – she hadn’t meant to make that allusion – but the look in his eyes disclosed the fact that his words were said in jest.

“Thank you,” she thought she heard him say, but F/N couldn’t be sure. Levi closed the door, leaving her no choice but to watch the thunderstorm raging outside as sleep eluded her.

* * *

She inhaled deeply, allowing herself to enjoy the fresh air. It was a beautiful, sunny day, and it was neither too hot, nor too cold for the attire F/N donned. The soldiers were normally required to wear their uniforms for training, but since her ribs were still a bit bruised she wore a black pair of leggings, a skintight black shirt and black boots. Honestly, it was much more comfortable than the heavy shirts and pants everyone else was wearing, not to mention their harnesses and straps.

It was her first day out in the training field, after another few weeks she’d spent healing. Joey had unofficially taken charge of her recovery, like he’d kindly promised, and F/N had to admit he was damn good at what he did. The various concoctions the man could create out of unassuming herbs and plants were amazing, whether they were meant to be ingested or used as ointments. Her weight had also settled at a comfortable level for her body, which was higher than what had been allowed for her when she worked as a spy, but F/N felt more energized than ever and her appetite had also finally returned to normal.

Although a bit nervous, she was itching for some physical activity.

“You think they’ll let us use the mobility gear today?” Joey, ever cheerful, asked with unmistakable excitement in his voice. Unlike F/N, they were all wearing their straps and harnesses, which seemed to be just as much of a first for them as being there was for her. They’d started partaking in the other soldiers’ training routines, but this was the first time the four of them assembled as a team, under Levi’s direct supervision.

Adam grunted. “What are _you_ so excited for?” he jabbed. “You can barely run a lap. This is going to kick your ass.”

Anya cackled, despite Joey’s exaggerated rolling of his blue eyes. “You just want to get your hands on the gear and lecture them on how ‘promtive’ it is and how much you can improve it.”

“Primitive,” Adam corrected her. “But you’re not wrong. Those wires make my skin crawl.”

F/N smiled to herself – those two were so exuberant that Adam had had no choice but finally start to come out of his shell, being around them so much. She was about to make a comment of her own, but something caught her gaze, making her stop in her tracks.

“Whatcha looking at, sweetheart?” Anya noticed her unmoving form, glancing where F/N was looking - the gates, where a man was packing his suitcase in the trunk of a taxi car.

“Is that… Dr. Meyer?”

“Hmmhmm,” Anya replied, patting her on the back. “Since word came out that he was bothering you as well, other female soldiers have spoken out about his rotten little pleasures. They’ve fired him. That’s what happens when you speak up.”

F/N lowered her head, suddenly feeling ashamed of herself. If she’d had it her way and no one found out about the man’s depraved behavior towards her, maybe other women would have had to endure it in the future. “…I’m really sorry.”

Anya raised a brow. “Don’t apologize for someone else being a piece of shit. Now come on, I know Captain Teapot likes you the best but I’m kicking him in the face if he doesn’t give you any shit for being late.”

F/N shook her head, yet she allowed the strong woman to drag her on the way. She couldn’t help the small chuckle that escaped her – the clap backs between Anya and Levi had already begun making the rounds within the Marleyan troops. “He doesn’t like me more, you just have too much fun giving him a hard time.”

“Yadda, yadda.”

When they reached the field they’d been assigned to, Adam and Joey were already conversing with Captain Levi and he didn’t look very pleased to see F/N and Anya arriving later than expected.

“Oi, what were you two doing? Taking a shit together?”

Anya opened her mouth to retort, but F/N raised her free hand in an appeasing gesture. “Sorry, it’s my fault. I got distracted on the way.”

Levi’s grey orbs rested on her for a moment. “Tch, whatever, just don’t be late again. You’re the one who has to catch up to the three of them.”

“Right.”

As the Captain began explaining how they would begin by taking turns sparring, Anya flashed her a sharp look, accompanied by a smirk, as if to sassily imply that her earlier comment was correct. F/N’s response was a halfhearted glare and a pout.

“This is more so you can all get used to each other’s fighting style,” Levi said, not missing the exchange but having enough experience as a squad leader to completely ignore it. “And so I can see where we’re at.”

They straightened their shoulders and nodded. “Yes, sir!”

“Alright, you can begin.”

F/N started by sparring with Joey, which in a way was good for her nerves – as mean as that sounded. The man had nothing but the most basic training, obviously focusing on his medical abilities more than anything else. He was also wholly unused to her skillset, which could only be described in an oxymoronic way – it was dirty and creative.

Though she could feel that she’d gotten rusty in the past month and a half and her ribs felt a bit uncomfortable with her movements, F/N had been taught to neutralize and flee. The manner in which she did so didn’t matter – she’d been taught to take opponents off guard in order to compensate for her inferior physical strength, and that included tripping them, using the environment to her advantage, even biting when it was appropriate.

Joey thought, for a moment, that he may be gaining the upper hand, yet he yelped, jumped and fell backwards on his ass when he noticed the knife being pointed at his family jewels. The uniform required them to wear concealed weapons, and he hadn’t noticed F/N stealing it from his boot.

“Fucking hell, F/N! Is that _allowed_?”

“I wasn’t going to _do_ anything,” she defended herself, amusement bubbling in her throat. She could feel Levi’s intense gaze studying her, but the Captain wasn’t saying anything.

Next came Anya, and F/N couldn’t say she had not expected to be pinned to the ground in less than two minutes. She knew the kind of training being in the special ops entailed, and the woman was freakishly strong even compared to those belonging to that branch.

Adam, however, was surprisingly smooth and methodic in his hand-to-hand combat, a stark contrast to her style.

“Did you practice martial arts?” she couldn’t help but ask, struggling to dodge and find an opening the faster he moved. F/N instinctively threw a fistful of dirt in his face, limiting his range of sight and irritating him all the same.

“You certainly didn’t,” he replied gruffly, aiming to kick her in the hip. She noticed that his annoyance made his movements much less fluent. He was much more proficient than her, but she was more adaptable. Instead of blocking or dodging, F/N decided to play on his conservativeness and grabbed his leg, used the momentum to climb on top of his shoulders and began suffocating him with her thighs. Stunned, he fell to the ground along with her, and she managed to pin his arms behind his back.

“That was more disgraceful than a bar brawl,” she heard his muffled voice say, unsure whether he was serious, sarcastic or just a sore loser.

“You can die with dignity, but you won’t be any less dead,” Levi commented as F/N helped him rise to his feet. She was relieved that Adam accepted her hand, having worried that he was actually upset for a moment.

“Alright,” the Captain said while they were all standing. “Even though I decided to create this squad for different reasons, the only one I can see not getting killed on the battlefield is Anya. The rest of you are, frankly, shit.”

F/N clasped her hands behind her back and tried not to laugh at Joey’s sarcastically shocked expression. For what was worth, they’d all told him as much.

“Adam, you _can_ fight, but you’re too impulsive. Joey, you have zero technique and I’ve never heard a grown ass man scream like that. F/N, you can’t expect the shit you pulled there to work on people who know what the fuck they’re doing.”

“Yes, sir!”

“Now, Adam, Anya and Joey, you three can go over to Mikasa and Jean to get started on ODM training. As for you,” Levi addressed F/N, “I can’t allow you to do that until your ribs fully heal, so you have a choice. You can go with them and observe, or you can continue hand-to-hand combat training with me.”

She mulled over it for a second before giving her answer. “I think combat training would be more productive, if I’m not keeping you from anything.”

Levi nodded, biting his tongue from reprimanding her because obviously, since he’d given her the choice, she wasn’t preventing him from doing anything more important. He watched as the three took their leave, a part of him wondering how the _fuck_ he was going to make four people as different as them eventually work together.

“Show me your stance.”

She did as she was told, wincing slightly when Levi looked a hair’s breadth away from smacking his forehead. Contrary to the verbal onslaught F/N was expecting, the Captain simply moved behind her, his hands resting on her elbows and his foot nudging her ankle. She tried to ignore her body’s natural reaction to his proximity – he _was_ attractive, but there was no legitimate reason for her heartbeat to behave like that of a schoolgirl.

“If you’re going to evade blows and wear your opponent out, you need to have maximum mobility at all times,” Levi spoke, his breath fanning the back of her neck as he adjusted her position. She internally cursed herself when her skin broke into goose bumps at the feeling – she was being utterly ridiculous.

Gradually, however, as the brunet eased into guiding her arms and showing her how to properly throw a punch and block an incoming hit, she relaxed into it, taking mental notes and marveling at how her movements flowed when done in the manner Levi was describing. None of her previous instructors had put in the effort to cater her training to her body type, individual strengths and weaknesses – though, F/N thought bitterly, they’d all been much more invested in other, less pleasant aspects of her coaching.

“Now try it with me,” the Captain’s warmth suddenly left her back. She had to snap herself out of the ensuing disappointment, focusing on applying his directions. F/N attacked him in the same way Levi had detailed earlier; he blocked and returned a blow of his own, yet it was unusually easy for her to evade and regain her balance, to the point where her mouth formed an ‘o’ in wonder at her own self.

The brunet did not quite smile; instead, his eyebrows minimally rose in pleasant surprise. He truthfully hadn’t expected her to be such a fast learner.

“Again, and I’ll come at you more aggressively this time.”

* * *

“So, Captain Levi,” Pieck spoke lazily, picking at her food. “When do you estimate they’ll be ready?”

It was unusual for all of them to be seated together during a meal, but they’d come to find out this was the best way to chat amongst themselves without allowing anyone else to realize they were discussing something important. The mess hall was normally loud during mealtimes, the soldiers’ rambunctious laughter and noisy conversations filling the air – Levi would have never allowed it with his previous subordinates in Paradise Island, but then again he was only unofficially in charge now. The fact that the Marleyan soldiers had taken to following his cleaning regimen was enough for him.

His and Hange’s titles meant little to nothing, and perhaps due to the weight it had placed on her shoulders, the scientist had been quick to instruct everyone to drop it. Levi had never cared enough to speak on the matter, frankly – it didn’t matter to him how people chose to address him, although it was a bit telling that most of his comrades, even those who used to belong to the opposing side, called him by his title. He’d begun to wonder if, maybe, it was because of his intimidating nature, yet at the same time Levi wanted to kick himself – he’d never put any thought into such matters before F/N and her frustratingly introspection-inducing comments rolled along.

He cleared his throat, mulling over Pieck’s inquiry. “Based on how they fared today, I’d be comfortable with six months.”

Predictably, Levi’s statement was met with displeased expressions.

“That’s… longer than we have, Captain,” Armin said.

“I know. I said that’s what I’d be comfortable with.”

“It’s irritating, but I can’t help but agree,” Jean sighed, his thumbs massaging his temples. “Joey simply sucks, Anya is too hasty and Adam refused to even put the gear on.”

“Did he make a good proposal?” Mikasa asked Hange. She and Jean had had an awfully hard time trying to convince the older man to put the damn ODMG on, while he adamantly spewed a bunch of technological jargon which neither of them understood – in the end, they’d been happy to just prevent him from breaking a full device apart for inspection, promising they’d bring up his ideas to Hange.

“Good? He made a phenomenal proposal,” was the reply, which gained everyone’s attention. “He says he can make a full prototype within a week, getting rid of the wire-based mechanism and replacing it with some sort of magnetic pull, which would also replace the Paradisian iceburst stone. We _do_ have the resources to modify all devices if it comes down to it, thanks to the equipment we got our hands on… it just sounds too good to be true.”

“And we’d have to adapt to it as well,” Connie clicked his tongue. “He hasn’t even been here for two months and suddenly he wants to change everything we’re used to?”

“You haven’t been forced to evolve before?” Magath retorted, causing the others to bite their tongues from any further witticism. “If it ends up being easier for my soldiers to use, personally I’m happy to allow it. Most of them are still having trouble mastering the gear, and you can’t deny the risks associated with it. Not to mention, we can’t rely on the iceburst stone the Hizuru engineers managed to extract from Paradise Island forever – it will last for another two years at most, and I have my doubts that the Jaegerists will be willing to share theirs if the war doesn’t end by then.”

There was no time for elitism considering the circumstances, after all, therefore the former Scouts sensibly took his statement for what it was. Their limited resources represented one of the primary causes for concern, after all, and Magath was right – Hizuru had greedily begun storing the iceburst stone that could power the ODMG even before the Rumbling. They’d been planning to use it for themselves, but due to the circumstances, they were now forced to employ it to fuel the army. A new, easier means of using the ODMG, which didn’t involve such a limited source of energy, was more than welcome in the long run.

“I’ll approve Adam’s request and oversee everything,” Hange said with an unmistakable nuance of finality in her voice. “We’ll then see what happens a week from now.”

“Alright. That still doesn’t change the fact that we don’t have six months to spare,” Mikasa said, her gaze resting on Hange. “Do you have a plan?”

The bespectacled scientist glanced towards Levi, and he understood from her expression that it was time to drop the bomb on them.

“No. We’ll take them with us. It’s as plain as that.”

Although the atmosphere was too loud for him to hear, Levi could sense the sharp breaths that had been drawn in upon his declaration. In all honesty, he’d had his own doubts and second thoughts, but there simply was no other way. They had no time for anything else, running off the assumption that the Starkans, left without their eyes and ears in most of Marley, would retreat for long enough to allow them to pull this off.

“A-Are you sure?” Jean spluttered, lowering his voice to a whisper. “What if we lose them? They’re our only chance to-“

“If they can’t handle it, then it’s no use, even though I’m fairly confident that they will,” Levi retorted, rising from his seat. It’d been a long day, though not entirely unpleasant, and he wanted some peace and silence. However, he did place a hand on Jean’s shoulder as he left, offering all his brats a benevolent look.

“Don’t give me those faces. No matter what, we’ll get to Historia.”

* * *

F/N hummed an old song while tiptoeing to reach the shelves, interested in the selection of different tea blends the kitchen seemed to be equipped with. She had a feeling she knew exactly why there were so many, and she wasn’t complaining at all. As with a lot of other things about Levi, it was quite endearing.

F/N had never been an avid tea drinker, but since her family had been required to maintain a somewhat aristocratic lifestyle in order to blend in with the rest of the political class, she naturally knew a thing or two. Heavens forbid she brewed a cup of tea the wrong way whenever her parents accepted an important visit.

As such, she chose one of her favorite varieties and set to making herself a warm and comforting little treat. After her training session with Levi, F/N had spent the better part of her free time with Falco and Gabi, telling them a story from the past. They both seemed so fascinated by anything that had to do with different cultures, since their early childhood had unfortunately entailed so much indoctrination and lack of acceptance. She’d been careful to reveal something half mythical, which any high-end intellectual would have access to, yet an engaging story nonetheless – the Trojan War.

It felt pleasant to talk about things she was passionate about – it took her mind off things, helping her remember that she used to be a person with interests, dislikes and feelings before this hurricane ensued. Since she rarely slept anyway, she’d spent long hours of the night contemplating what Levi had said to her a while back – the Captain hadn’t brought the subject up again, but F/N couldn’t get it – or him, for that matter – out of her head.

She could easily read anyone if she wanted to, and yes, there were certain things about him that felt obvious to her eyes, yet F/N hadn’t met anyone quite like Levi before. There was something about him that she couldn’t comprehend, as much as she tried. It was both unsettling and intriguing.

“I didn’t take you for a late night kitchen raider.”

F/N’s body jerked in surprise, nearly spilling hot water on her shirt. She hadn’t expected anyone to venture in the kitchen so late after curfew, even though it was the first time she was doing so herself, tired of staring at the ceiling all night long. She faced Levi with a sheepish expression.

“Sorry-“

“Hasn’t anyone told you that it’s annoying?” he interrupted her, coming up beside her to inspect what she was doing. He could feel the scent of the brew, but Levi made no comment on it, opting to meet her confused expression with a pointed look. “How you’re constantly apologizing.”

“…Oh,” F/N eloquently replied, forcing herself not to voice another apology for her excessive apologizing. She hadn’t noticed it before.

“Why aren’t you in bed? Not tired enough after today?”

She almost laughed – her muscles had never been so sore, and F/N knew it would only become worse in the following morning. “No, I just… wanted a warm drink, that’s all.”

Levi didn’t speak for a few moments, watching her movements as she began to strain the tea, only a little nervous under his scrutiny. When he finally talked, his tone was a tad more subdued than before.

“Do you have enough for two?”

F/N graced him with a smile, procuring an extra cup. “Of course. Milk, honey, sugar?”

“None,” Levi replied instantly, though a part of him appreciated her asking. He took his cup while F/N prepared hers in her preferred way, taking a sip. The brunet hummed in the back of his throat.

“Never thought I’d hear myself say this, but I guess growing up in nobility has its perks.”

She giggled at his partly veiled compliment, genuinely flattered, while Levi inwardly gawked at himself for saying something like that at all.

“Does it compensate for my lack of experience in the arts of cleaning?”

“Now you’re pushing it.”

He cracked a lopsided grin when she burst out laughing, not that F/N could see it.

“Oi, don’t wake the whole army up.”

“Sorry- I-I mean, um… oops?” she made herself small, hiding behind her teacup when Levi glared at her for apologizing again. He couldn’t help it – he released a loud snort in response to… whatever that was.

“Do you think it’d be okay if I went outside? That way I won’t wake anyone up, and it’s the first warm night since I’ve been here,” F/N asked, her eyes gleaming hopefully. She really, really desired some peacefulness, as welcome as Anya’s occasional late night ramblings could be.

“You _do_ realize you’re not even supposed to be out of your room after curfew,” Levi deadpanned.

“But you’ll be there, so it’s not as if I’m unsupervised, right?”

The Captain simply stared at her. If it were anyone else, he would have flat out refused. He wouldn’t have kicked them back to their rooms or given punishment or anything like that – no, Levi knew the pains of insomnia all too well to lash out at his subordinates for dealing with it in whichever way. But to agree to something like this was pushing it, and the brunet frankly couldn’t figure out why in the seven hells he couldn’t find it in him to refuse her.

When they found a small, comfortable little bench to sit on outside, Levi was still asking himself the same question. In fact, he was so immersed in his thoughts that he didn’t hear F/N’s question, looking at her dumbly as a consequence.

“Huh?”

“Are you alright?” she repeated herself, something akin to concern yet not quite marring her features. The sky was so clear, so bright with starlight that for a moment Levi almost felt as though there was someone else by his side, someone whom he’d watched the stars with and lost so many years ago. His chest churned with a bittersweet ache.

“I’m fine,” he said, too late and with too much strain evident in his voice. He cleared his throat and sipped the now lukewarm tea, but that did little to alleviate anything.

F/N gazed into her lap, a small hum leaving her lips, yet she didn’t push him. She’d become accustomed to the reluctance almost everyone treated her with – with small exceptions like Anya, who just couldn’t be bothered to care, others were very hesitant in discussing matters any more personal than the weather with her. F/N was well aware that was because everyone knew she used to be a spy, and she didn’t mind it all that much.

Except she did, when it came from _him_. Because Levi was the only one whom she’d opened up to in a painfully long time, and it stung to see that wariness in his eyes, as if everything that came out of her mouth were calculated, ill-intended deceit.

“He used to come into my room at night when I was asleep,” F/N spoke softly, without lifting her gaze. Levi looked at her profile, illuminated by the starlight. Not for the first time, his eyes were drawn to the dark creases beneath her eyes, which spoke of exhaustion and made her look older than she was. He was taken aback by her sudden openness, but he didn’t interrupt her.

“It didn’t matter if I woke up or not – if he wanted something, he took it. Eventually I started to hate going to sleep altogether, I either forced myself to stay awake as long as possible or I just couldn’t sleep at all. It’s not like it made any difference, but at least when I was awake while it happened, I could tell myself that I was _allowing_ it, I wasn’t being taken against my will. As much as I know that’s bullshit,” she breathed a humorless laugh, “I guess it stayed with me. I hate sleeping, especially if there’s someone else in the room creating any kind of noise.”

Levi stood still, watching her, almost unsure what to say. A part of him was well aware that this was her way of telling him that she had taken his words to heart, that she wasn’t trying to push her emotions to the very back of her head anymore, yet although he’d uttered that piece of advice, he had no idea what to say now that she’d taken it.

Or perhaps he did.

“My mother was a prostitute and I grew up in a brothel,” he said, the words rolling off his tongue with shocking ease, as if they’d been waiting to do so for decades. “That’s arguably different from your situation, but she hated her work. There was just no other way for her to earn a living where we lived.”

F/N listened intently and, when he caught her gaze, Levi felt with undeniable confidence that there was nothing but compassion in her E/C orbs.

“She passed when I was quite young, but I do remember being very angry with her. I didn’t know the technicalities of it, but I did know there were all these dirty men coming into the room, making her scream and sometimes cry long after they left. I didn’t understand why she continued to let it happen, why she didn’t fight back, why I wasn’t allowed to say anything or come out of the closet while they were there.”

She felt the frustration in his voice, leveled as it was, a grievance he’d kept with him for God knows how long. Her heart wept for him.

“I would shout and cry at her, to the point where the brothel administrator had to come in and discipline her one time. I never raised my voice at her after that. But she always said the same thing – that no matter what happened with her body and how much pain she was in, she wouldn’t let it change who she was. She was still my mom, she was still Kuchel, and no one could take that away from her.”

F/N’s throat choked up at those words. She knew exactly what his mother had meant to convey, and it left her marveling at how someone long gone, whom she’d never even met, could have such an impact on her.

Levi failed to notice her reaction, almost entranced beyond consciousness in his reminiscing. He’d never spoken of his childhood, never finding a reason to do so, yet now that he started it was as though he couldn’t stop. He snorted to himself. “I didn’t understand shit at the time. All I cared about was that we were starving in a rotten hellhole, my mother was hurt every day and I could do fuck all about any of it.”

“What about now?” F/N asked quietly, with a shaken voice. Levi finally looked at her as if she’d snapped him out of a trance, noticing the moisture glowing in her eyes.

He bit the inside of his cheek, his eyebrows furrowing in deep thought. For the first time, F/N noticed some faint wrinkles on his forehead.

“Now? There’s no point being angry with anyone now.”

“Maybe not, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be,” F/N rebuffed gently. “I’m angry at Baal, at my entire country, at my dead parents, at myself, and I’m angry at you too.”

A humorless smile graced Levi’s face at her admission. “Hm? Why are you angry at me?”

“Because it was so hard for me to open up to you, and I did it still, yet you’re still suspicious of my motives.”

The Captain sighed. “I can’t not be, F/N. You’ve only been here two months and I’m sharing things with you that I’ve never told anyone, not even my closest friends. Can you imagine how much that freaks me the fuck out?”

She offered him a sad smile. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t be wary of me, all things considered. I’m just saying it hurts me.”

Levi watched her as if she were a puzzle that he couldn’t for the life of him figure out. Ultimately, he exhaled through his nose and leaned against the backrest. “…It’s not my intention.”

“It’s not my intention to freak you out either,” she returned with a surge of sympathy and understanding. “If anything, you deserve to feel at ease, for one night at least.”

Neither said anything after that, but for two people who shared a mutual distaste for the dead of night, gazing at the stars until the sky turned pink, empty teacups by their side, was as peaceful as any night could get.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, all! Here's one of my absolute FAVORITE chapters of the entire story, I was so excited to post this! Hope you like this big bad boy as much as I do, and thank you for all the lovely feedback as always! Stay safe!

“They’ve been so quiet, don’t you think?” Joey spoke absentmindedly, crushing some herbs in a mortar. Though F/N felt that she’d finally made a complete recovery, she didn’t mind him insisting to continue her treatment for a few days longer, just to be on the safe side. Unlike most medicines, the ones Joey made actually tasted really, really good, plus he was discreet enough to let her apply the ointments herself, turning away when she unwrapped the bandages on her midsection. He was also perpetually in a cheerful mood and his clownish demeanor was entertaining, without being overbearing.

F/N hummed noncommittally in response to his inference. She couldn’t help but agree in her mind – during the past months, they had heard no news of any movement from the Starkan-Jaegerist side and none of the superior officers in the capital’s military HQ had been dispatched. It did feel ominous, especially since sending spies to Starke was virtually impossible for Marley, but then again the four of them were still being kept in the dark for obvious reasons. They couldn’t be trusted right off the bat.

“Baal doesn’t strike me for the patient type,” he continued, mixing his substances in a bowl and making the entire room smell like a sweet treat. “Not to mention the amount of spies who’ve been compromised in the past months must have royally pissed him off.”

That was true. After the incident in the sewers, Marley undertook a large effort to screen virtually all public workers, as well as check most establishments for radio interceptors. The cells throughout the country were now filled with compromised Starkan agents, some of whom had committed suicide, while the others… well. It was impossible for the Marleyans to behave like saints, all things considered.

“We’re doing our part for now,” she spoke aloud, unwilling to voice any opinion on the matter. It wasn’t her place, especially since she possessed the most information out of all of them – heavily classified information, for that matter. “Considering our situation, we have no choice but to trust Marley’s judgment.”

Joey sighed, running a hand through his fairly unruly locks. “I know, I know. It’s just a bit hard, knowing that my family is here and they could be caught in the crossfire if things go south.”

Her features softened in understanding, though there was little consolation she could give. “How are they doing, by the way?”

His features lit up again, that cheeky grin returning. “Oh, they’re alright. Marie found a job as a waitress in a pub, Steve and Michael have started going to school and Ellie does the housekeeping and takes care of the garden. Hopefully by next summer we’ll be able to grow plenty of medicinal herbs, maybe even share them with the local hospitals here.”

Joey was obviously ecstatic that he was finally given permission to visit his siblings – with Reiner’s supervision, of course – and it showed. She was glad that at least one of them still had a family to go back to – day after day, Adam stubbornly fought to deny that the possibility of getting his daughters back was nearing zero, F/N’s situation was well known, and the young woman had noticed a telltale scar on Anya’s stomach since sharing a room with her, but she’d never found it in herself to ask.

“I am pleased to announce that with this little taste of heaven,” Joey playfully waved a spoonful of red liquid in front of her eyes. “You shall become the epitome of health.”

She chuckled. She was in a rare state of high spirits that day, so F/N decided to indulge him, mirthfully chasing the spoon with her head. They shared a good-natured laugh, as if they’d been friends for years, not mere months.

Perhaps things were becoming just a bit brighter.

* * *

“Yahoooo!”

“Hange! Get back down, you could hurt yourself!” Jean hollered after the scientist, who was whirring in the air without needing to hook herself to anything, clicking and turning the buttons attached to her handles. The young man was about to chase his former commander, yet Mikasa’s warm hand on his arm stopped him in his tracks, causing a light dusting of pink to cover his cheeks. His eyes flew to her calm, soothing features, breath caught in his throat.

“Let her be, Jean. Can you even remember the last time she was like this?”

Jean gasped quietly, realizing she was correct. They’d all changed so much, after all, becoming more and more jaded in their own ways. It hurt to even look at his comrades sometimes, and Jean was not above admitting he’d become snappier and more impatient. Mikasa pained him the most, because he could see so clearly that she blamed herself each and every single day for what happened with Eren, yet Jean felt so helpless, not knowing how to help her in any way.

“It really is almost too good to be true,” Armin breathed, a rare smile on his face as he watched Hange play around with the modified maneuvering gear. “We’ll be able to use the ODMG in any environment and without Paradisian fuel… we won’t be vulnerable to attacks that target our wires… this is amazing.”

Annie snorted next to him, but there was an expression of endearment on her face. “You sound like a kid getting a new toy. It’s sad.”

“Hey now…”

“Why do you like picking on him so much?” Pieck elbowed Annie, sending her a veiled, knowing look that everyone but the blonde missed. Annie rolled her eyes, turning away from the much too perceptive brunette, who was kind enough not to comment on the suspicious redness on her pale cheeks, yet not kind enough not to snicker to herself.

“My emotionally stunted ways prevent me from expressing affection in any other way,” was the reply, her tone dripping with sarcasm yet the words holding an unrecognized amount of truth to them. Though Armin turned crimson, she got away with it like always. Connie was the first to burst out laughing.

“Yeah, right.”

“Do they seriously not realize the amount of pining that’s happening in that group?” Anya whispered in F/N’s ear, making the girl smother her grin with the back of her hand. It had maybe taken the two women a few conversations with the young, prodigious group of soldiers to realize the exact dynamics going on there, and F/N personally found it impossibly charming if she was honest. She almost cooed whenever she glimpsed Jean staring at Mikasa like a puppy in love, while Anya was more interested in Annie and Armin’s dynamics, chuckling to herself whenever the blonde practically kicked her own ass trying (and failing) to catch Armin’s attention without making it obvious to the others.

“Some do,” F/N whispered back. “But it’s too cute to butt in.”

“Can I gossip too?” Joey muttered in their ears, having snuck up on them while they were both very much aware of his presence. As a consequence, they pushed his head away and spoke in unison.

“ _No_.”

The chit chat stopped altogether when Levi, Magath, Adam and a middle-aged woman showed up, the Captain looking at Hange’s hovering form for a few moments before he seemed to decide that he wouldn’t rain on her parade. She lowered herself to the ground anyway, running up to Adam and squeezing him to the point of suffocation, unbothered by the older man’s stiff pose.

“Thank you! This is so exciting!”

Adam grunted, yet his expression spoke of undeniable satisfaction. He may have been arrogant about it, but in the end the man could back it up. He’d made an ambitious promise, and he’d delivered.

As such, the soldiers gathered in the training field offered a round of applause.

F/N’s eyes remained transfixed on the older lady joining them, however, who failed to look so pleased – in fact, the young woman got the impression that the only reason she wasn’t vocally expressing her distaste was a long argument she’d had with Levi and Magath beforehand. Her unusual features struck F/N as eerily familiar and she wracked her brain in search for recognition.

When it finally clicked, she drew in a sharp breath, loud enough to attract her attention.

Kiyomi’s gaze fell on her, and her eyes widened.

“She’s one of the recruits you told me about?” the brunette asked Levi. The Captain looked F/N’s way and shared a glance with Hange before replying affirmatively. He motioned F/N over.

“Ambassador,” F/N acknowledged her unfeelingly, her voice icier than Levi had ever heard it. Their comrades froze while watching the exchange.

Kiyomi bowed, a hint of remorse showing on her otherwise perfectly schooled features. “My Lady. I am terribly sorry for your loss, but happy to see you alive and well,” she spoke a perfect Starkan, which made F/N inwardly bristle.

“There’s no need to express condolences, Ambassador,” she replied in Marleyan, getting her point across clearly. “You’ve already done so, if I recall our last meeting correctly. I hope you are now free of the crippling debt that was causing you distress?”

The backhanded insult made Kiyomi sigh and Hange itch to get those two away from one another, for the time being at least.

“The prototypes you required for your engineers to study are ready,” the scientist intervened, sending Levi a meaningful glance at the same time. “If you’ll follow me, Ambassador.”

“Alright, brats. Time to get to work,” the Captain said, grabbing F/N’s arm and successfully gaining the soldiers’ attention. “Those of you who are already proficient in ODMG use, start getting used to the new version. You three, come with me. Adam, you’re accompanying Hange and Kiyomi.”

F/N followed obediently, although it was difficult for her to shake the anger bubbling in her chest. Levi eyed her pointedly. “We’ll talk about this later. Forget about it and focus for now.”

She sighed heavily. “Right.”

It was telling that the Captain was wearing the new gear as well – after all, he was required to master it too. F/N had seen him training before, but he was always so smooth and flawless, despite the small impediment of having prosthetic fingers on his dominant hand. Although her mood was still soured, a part of her was curious if something like this would be more of a challenge for Humanity’s Strongest.

He handed Anya and Joey a set of equipment, after which Levi began setting up the device used for the first stage of ODMG training – modified or not, the basics were still the same. F/N felt a bit of nervousness accumulating in her chest – her other squad mates had already passed that test, plus the entire training field was going to be watching her on her first attempt. She didn’t want to be a complete failure at it, even if it was her first time.

Levi instructed the other two to practice standing straight in the air using the gear while motioning F/N over. She let him attach the various straps to her thighs and midsection, her form impossibly tense with nerves. All the pairs of eyes watching her from up close or from farther away, where the others were training, weren’t helping her calm down.

“Relax,” the brunet said, quietly enough that only she could hear him. “Flex your core and your back, and don’t let the feeling scare you.”

“Okay,” F/N breathed, trying her best to do as he said while he slowly lifted her off the ground. The sensation of having nothing to balance her body weight was so foreign, it felt much like falling. Her muscles flexed intuitively, her chest overrun with a tight knot of tension – that must have been the feeling Levi was talking about.

He stopped working the machinery, grey orbs focusing on her instead. She managed to keep her legs in place, however her upper body kept dangling back and forth in an effort to find balance. F/N yelped when she suddenly started falling forward, unable to pull herself back and her arms flailing aimlessly in a hopeless attempt to recover her equilibrium.

The Captain caught one of her hands in his, the synthetic material of his prosthetic fingers brushing against her knuckles. F/N found herself extremely close to his face, her widened eyes locking with his gaze. Levi’s steely orbs showed nothing but patience.

Neither of them seemed to notice the stares they were receiving, F/N being too focused on the task at hand and Levi having his back turned to everyone else. The brunet pushed her back into position through his grip on her hand, while she held onto him for dear life. He allowed her to use his support in order to find her balance, after which he slowly let her go.

F/N managed for a few seconds, but then her torso started to fail her again. This time, Levi pressed his hand directly onto her abdomen.

“Flex here, and relax your thighs.”

She did exactly that, and suddenly it all felt much easier. It dawned on her that she’d been using the wrong set of muscles to try and support herself.

Levi stepped back, watching as F/N still wobbled a little bit, but not to the extent where she’d fall altogether. Soon enough, she got the hang of it, and the Captain offered a nod of approval, making her break into a wide smile.

The spell broke when Levi turned around, belatedly noticing that the entire training field was gawking at them instead of practicing.

“What the fuck is so interesting?”

“N-Nothing!”

* * *

“Now what the hell was that about?” Levi practically cornered F/N after the training session was done and all the soldiers scattered to complete the rest of their duties for the day. The Captain knew that Hange was asking Kiyomi the same questions at the moment; they didn’t need to communicate in order to realize what to do in most situations.

F/N bit the inside of her cheek – not from an unwillingness to reveal her past interactions with the Ambassador, but simply from discomfort. She knew there was little to be gained from holding a grudge, especially toward a person who simply did her nation’s bidding, but the young woman couldn’t help it. She was only human.

“Hizuru and Starke have never been the best of friends,” F/N explained quietly. “There has always been a level of unspoken competition between them, but they still had established diplomatic ties. When suspicions arose that Baal might be staging a coup, my parents and a few other noblemen reached out to Kiyomi, knowing that she was the Ambassador with the biggest involvement in the war between Marley and Paradise Island. She accepted and visited us in secret, and we practically begged her to make her government agree to send some of Hizuru’s troops to Starke, arguing that Baal being in power would be a disaster for all sides.”

Levi nodded in understanding. “And?”

She sighed. “And she refused to even send word of our plea back to Hizuru’s government. She didn’t take it seriously, saying that her country had no business meddling in other nations’ inner affairs and that, besides, all of her efforts were geared towards the situation in Paradise Island. In her words, if that operation failed, the Azumabito family would face ‘crippling debt’ and nothing topped that in terms of importance.”

The Captain could empathize with her aggravation – after all, the Eldians had heard those lines before as well. He himself wasn’t the biggest supporter of Hizuru or the Azumabitos, being well aware that their interests often surpassed most universal values. However, they were a necessary ally in this war, and Levi couldn’t afford to upset them further than they already had by recruiting four Starkans and hurting their pride through Adam’s technical proficiency, which seemed to best their own engineers’.

As such, he gave F/N a stern look. “I get why you feel the way you feel. For the next three days while she’s here, you can pretend she doesn’t exist. But the next time she comes, you can’t act catty or smart with her, especially in front of the other soldiers. We need her.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again,” she averted her gaze in shame. She hadn’t meant to cause a scene – her feelings got the better of her for once.

Levi’s chest ached uncomfortably as he looked at her, but he steeled himself to ignore it. There was nothing else he could do for her regarding that particular matter, after all, so the Captain made no further comment on her dispirited expression.

“You’re on the cleaning rotation today, aren’t you?”

She didn’t need any more hints to realize that was her cue to leave. “Yes.”

* * *

It almost felt like a blur, how quickly she went from careening in the air to completing a full ODMG routine, dodging fake bullets and firing her own at various targets. She’d recovered fairly quickly from her brief, yet tense encounter with the Ambassador, especially since Levi had kept his promise and, for the few days Kiyomi spent at the HQ, F/N had had nothing to do with her.

She, instead, spent that time and more focusing on her training. Some days, F/N almost couldn’t believe that she was actually accomplishing such feats, not to mention how shockingly easy it had been for her to fall into a cohesive team approach. Granted, that was largely Captain Levi’s achievement – he had such an intuitive knack for figuring out how to best employ his subordinates’ strengths, never uniform in his approach to each of them individually. Experience really did speak for itself.

Levi never pushed Joey like he did Anya in hand-to-hand combat, never expected the brunette powerhouse to think on her feet like he did F/N, never spoke as harshly to F/N as he did to Adam. Everything was catered to their skillset and psychology, while ensuring they’d learn how to work in tandem at the same time.

She couldn’t help but admire him even more than before, not even noticing that her gaze had remained transfixed on Levi’s form as he trained by himself. She’d been wrong – it really did feel like second nature to him, even if the gear was still a novel addition.

“Hello? Earth to F/N?”

F/N’s head jolted, her eyes meeting three suspiciously amused faces. Even Adam was cracking a grin at her, which for some reason was mildly unsettling.

“What?”

The suggestive look on Anya’s face was even more alarming.

“Do I sense some _pining_?” she said teasingly, her eyebrows moving up and down. It was an obvious reference to their frequent comments regarding the younger soldiers, and F/N was so taken aback that she sputtered, her neck heating up.

“Did you all hit your heads?”

Joey burst into laughter, causing her to become even more flustered. She couldn’t believe what they were implying.

“Do you seriously not notice it or are you playing dumb little spy?”

“And what exactly am I supposed to notice?”

F/N was not exactly impressed when Joey and Anya shared one look and simply doubled over in laughter, while Adam made a series of frankly obnoxious gestures that she would have never expected from such a conservative man. She shook her head, her hands coming up in front of her as if to defend herself from the madness.

“You’ve all lost your minds. I’ll go sit with the others.”

She rose to her feet to do just that, yet ended up throwing a supremely annoyed look down below as Joey launched himself to her leg, holding her in place. The harlequin had tears at the corners of his eyes from the force of his amusement.

“W-Wait,” he managed to say, blue eyes rounding until they looked like those of a puppy. “If you go, you’ll miss your groping session.”

Her worst nightmare then came true – Anya began hollering with laughter, the kind that had all heads turning towards the source. The only indication that Adam was joining in was the rhythmic movement of his shoulders, combined with a grimace that would indicate he was in extreme pain if one didn’t know him any better.

“ _What?_ ”

“What do you mean, what? We’re supposed to have combat training after this break, right? That means getting touchy feely with the Captain.”

F/N stared for a few moments, after which she loudly smacked her forehead. She couldn’t believe it. “ _That’s_ what this is about? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m in no way a natural at it. I can’t get it right unless it’s shown to me like a kid, you _blithering_ idiots.”

Joey snorted. “Oh, come _on_ , F/N. I’m more of a pinhead than you and he isn’t so candid with me, as much as that utterly _depresses_ me.”

At that point, she couldn’t help the chuckle escaping through her facade. “That’s because you’re gayer than a Christmas morning, you buffoon.”

“I think you mean Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and the day after Christmas.”

They were interrupted by a projectile being thrown straight towards Anya’s face. She easily caught the training gun, ceasing her laughter to send Levi an unaffected glance. The Captain didn’t look too pleased as he approached.

“Are you trying to wake the dead?” he said irritably, referring to her loudness. The entire training grounds could hear her, after all.

“If your sense of humor is among them, I’ll give it a shot.”

They all froze, like they usually did when those two had a go at each other.

“My sense of humor is alive and well. It’s actually so active that it’s wondering what the fuck is so funny that you have to shriek like a constipated cat in heat.”

Anya cackled. “I ain’t the one in heat, Cap-“

F/N feigned an intense coughing fit, not knowing how else to stop that train in its tracks. Thankfully, even though her teammates were aware of her bluff, Levi was distracted enough to drop it and look her way instead.

“What’s with you?” he raised a brow as F/N waved him off, saying she just took a breath the wrong way. He sighed. “I can’t leave you nutcases alone for more than ten minutes at a time. Get up, break’s over.”

F/N had never been more ecstatic to get to work. That whole encounter had been a nightmare from start to finish, leaving a lingering blush on her face. She didn’t even know what to think of it, and she did her best to push it to the back of her brain – it would do no good to become distracted, for the time being at least.

However, although she’d thought little of it before, when the Captain patiently corrected her movements instead of barking out directions like he did with the others, F/N couldn’t help the erratic beating of her heart.

What the hell was happening?

* * *

F/N brewed the tea like most other nights, making sure there was enough to fill two cups. It had taken a particularly long shower to talk herself out of the ludicrous thoughts her teammates had caused her brain to swirl with. She had to realize that it was different for them, looking in from the outside – it wasn’t like they were aware of the conversations she’d shared with Levi since that first night they’d had tea together, so her innocent affection for the man could be misleading. That’s what it was, surely.

It wasn’t every night, but they had settled into somewhat of a routine. She would sneak out of her bunk after Anya fell asleep, and it wouldn’t take long for Levi to make his appearance in the kitchen, after which they’d either sit outside if it was warm, or spend the night in his office. Sometimes they talked about things, others they’d just sit in silence, admiring the starlit sky or F/N would read a book while Levi looked over his own documents. She’d fallen asleep there once or twice, but F/N still never failed to wake up in her own bed, unsuspecting roommate snoring away.

There was something addictive about sharing one’s solitude with someone who could understand it, although they never spoke of it during the day. In fact, their little nighttime rendezvous were veiled with an unspoken layer of secrecy, as if there was a forbidden part to the ordeal. F/N didn’t particularly feel that way, but she could understand why the Captain did – he was supposed to be her superior officer, not to mention the fact that he was unaccustomed to sharing so much about himself.

As time passed, however, F/N began seeing him for what he was – an incredibly soulful man with too much on his shoulders, who deserved to allow himself to be human. Perhaps it was because she shared that struggle, that stubborn refusal to bring her own emotions to the surface, but F/N’s heart ached with the desire to give him that outlet, that little bit of comfort. No one should have to bear all that weight alone, and the more and more she got to know him, the stronger that want became.

Lost in thought, she remained blissfully unaware of the fact that Levi had been watching her from the doorway for quite some time. Every night, he swore to himself that he would no longer show up, and yet he kept breaking that oath over and over again. His stormy gaze followed her movements. There was such an unconventional gracefulness to everything she did, unlike anything he’d seen before. Her demeanor was naturally mellow, yet covered in a protective layer of frigidness. She tried her best to be cynical, but the raw compassion in her eyes showed how little that suited her. It was so increasingly difficult to treat her with skepticism when she offered such untainted understanding and comfort, things he never knew how much he starved for. Every night Levi spent in her company felt cathartic, addictive even, to the point where his feet moved without his consent and despite any ounce of doubt he still had left.

In return, he gave his very best to ensure she was ready. The Captain progressively felt like there was no place for someone like her on the battlefield, not with that bleeding heart and naivety, however masterfully she hid them from others. As much as she tried to disguise it, she was still twenty-four years old, barely experienced in the realities of war and she’d been sheltered for the better part of her life. Unfortunately, she couldn’t just will her inexperience away.

Levi squashed the voice in his head, the one that was beginning to regret recruiting her in the first place. She wasn’t the first or the last innocent soul who may end up dying on the frontlines, he tried to tell himself. He knew better than to build false hopes or make empty promises.

“Trained all day, went into town and you’re still not tired?” Levi finally announced his presence. The words were void of any real meaning, a result of never really knowing how to properly start a conversation. F/N had stopped being startled by his sudden appearances a while ago, so she simply released an airy laugh, a genuine smile appearing on her face at his presence. He couldn’t deny, to his own self at least, that her pure happiness at seeing him softened his heartstrings.

As the Captain drew nearer, he felt the scent of the tea. It was… different, unknown, making his forehead crease in puzzlement.

“I got you something, actually,” F/N said, noticing his reaction and lifting a paper bag that she’d kept next to her. Levi’s eyes followed the rolling orange spheres as she released them from the bag, recognizing the same orange peel in the tea the young woman was making. “You said you’ve never tried oranges before, right?”

She looked hopeful, yet a tad nervous at the same time, as if the prospect of him enjoying her gift was important to her. “They’re imported, but then again the climate here isn’t the best one to grow them. I imagine I was lucky to actually find some.”

The ghost of a smile tugged at Levi’s lips, but he managed to keep his composure – F/N wasn’t one to ramble, normally. He took a fruit, fully intent on biting straight into it, however the brunet was stopped when both of F/N’s hands wrapped around his, holding him back.

“You need to peel it first,” she explained, mirth dancing in her eyes. She showed him how to do it, offering him the finished product. The small slices were tart and sweet at the same time, the taste unusual but not unpleasant. He was truthfully awed that F/N had remembered something like that – the Captain had said it so offhandedly during their very first encounter that he’d forgotten all about it.

“They’re not bad,” was his feedback, which sounded too dismissive to his own ears. “Thank you,” Levi added as a consequence.

F/N beamed in response, and the brunet couldn’t help but feel special. She was never so cheerful and buoyant around anyone else but him, again something he’d never experienced before. Not even with Hange – yes, they were each other’s confidantes and closest friends, but the bespectacled woman had nothing to hide from anyone. There weren’t any parts of herself, good or bad, that she only reserved for a select few.

As such, the thoughtful gesture touched him more than Levi would have expected. He was suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to offer her something in return, wondering if her smile would become even brighter, or perhaps those doe-like eyes would radiate with delight.

Although the rational side of his brain rang some alarm bells and called him crazy, Levi spoke before he could listen to it too much.

“I was thinking we could change the scenery tonight,” the brunet lied. He hadn’t thought of it one bit, the idea forming in his head was purely spontaneous.

“Oh?”

F/N expected him to elaborate, however Levi simply downed the tea in his mug and gave her an expectant look, seemingly unbothered by the prospect of leaving their dishes in the sink for the time being, which was shocking in itself. “Are you coming or not?”

She blinked.

“L-Like this?” F/N gestured towards her white nightdress and matching slippers. It wasn’t indecent attire by any means, the dress reaching the middle of her calves and donning short sleeves, as well as a little bow on the neckline. However, it was still very obviously sleepwear.

Levi raised a brow, not without amusement. They were admittedly few and far between, but moments like these betrayed her upper class upbringing. “Sorry to disappoint, but I’m not taking you to the summer solstice soiree.”

She blushed, visibly embarrassed, and Levi had to turn away to hide his smirk. Heavens help him, but it was no easy feat to fluster her to the point of it being glaringly obvious and the Captain felt a strange sort of pride bubbling in his chest.

They walked in comfortable silence for quite some time. F/N was happy to gaze around, having never seen the capital at night; she hadn’t expected it to be so vibrant. There were taverns buzzing with effervescent clientele, various stores and shops advertising their souvenirs to tourists and everything was basked in the warm, yellow light of the lampposts. Couples walked hand in hand or embracing each other, with strategically placed vendors trying to guilt trip people into buying flowers for their partners. She couldn’t help the warmth in her heart when she glimpsed two middle aged women buying red roses for each other, inebriated beyond belief yet so happily in love.

For a few moments, even F/N forgot about the war.

Though the young woman remained blissfully distracted and unaware, Levi eventually cursed himself for teasing her into walking outside dressed like that. The lecherous gazes she was attracting made _him_ uncomfortable, to the point where he stopped ignoring them and instead met them with a threatening glare of his own. He was no stranger to the depravation of some men, damn it, he should have given it better thought, especially knowing her history. Normally he’d advise his comrades to pay no mind to such cretinism, but Levi really didn’t want F/N to notice what was happening and possibly retreat back inside her shell.

“Here, put this on,” the Captain practically ordered, allowing no room for argument as he placed his suit jacket over her shoulders. F/N met him with a confused look.

“Um, thank you, but it’s really not cold-“

“You can’t afford to get sick and we’re about to get hit by the breeze,” he talked out of his ass, breathing a relieved sigh when she opted not to question him any further, snuggling inside the item of clothing. He _thought_ he may have noticed a tinge of pink to her cheeks, but Levi inwardly snapped himself out of such a stupid train of thought.

Little did he know, she _had_ been aware of everything around her – she was a spy, after all - and she saw straight through him, but F/N was too moved by his consideration to make any objections. She wasn’t so fragile that she would let a few simple looks get to her and perhaps Levi would have successfully offended any other woman through his response, but F/N was stirred by the simple fact that he cared enough about her wellbeing to do something about it, as backwards as he was.

Soon enough, they were indeed hit by a warm, salty-tasting breeze, the soothing sounds of the ocean inching closer and closer. The bubbling city was left in the background as they made their way to the cliff side of the shore, where the ocean calmly brushed against the rocks. It was a peaceful night for nature as well, it seemed.

“It’s beautiful,” F/N had to say. It really was. The artificial lighting was duller, but there was still enough of it to cast a glow over the water. It had been so long since she’d last felt such serenity, as if there wasn’t anything in the world that could cast a shadow over her in that moment. “Thank you for bringing me here, Levi.”

As he watched her face, Levi realized he’d been wrong. She wasn’t overly excited, or speechless from surprise. Her features were softened with appreciation, like she was committed to cherish every single second of that moment. And it was dangerous, but Levi’s breath caught in his throat when she looked at him with such affection, as if it was difficult to discern what she treasured more – being there, or the fact that _he’d_ thought to bring her there. For someone who likely grew up with a considerable level of surrounding luxury, she found so much happiness in such small things.

The Captain only snapped out of his daze when the object of his prolonged introspection suddenly vanished from his sight. He blinked, but then looked down only to see F/N navigating the uneven rocks leading to the water.

“Oi, what are you doing?”

She gazed up at him, carefully balancing herself. “Come on, let’s sit down here!”

Levi felt one of the veins on his forehead twitch. Sit? On those seaweed-infested, wet, slimy, _slippery_ \- fuck.

“For fuck’s sake, F/N, you’re going to slip and break something,” he grumbled, begrudgingly following the young woman, who was seemingly forgetting the fact that she was wearing slippers as well as a fairly long dress that left little room for movement. Even the Captain walked cautiously – the rocks were indeed slippery as all hell.

“I’m not going to slip,” she replied stubbornly, almost childishly, once she made it to the last rock above the water. Levi caught up to her soon enough, his expression wholly nonplussed.

“I’m still not sitting in this filth.”

Maybe it was divine irony, but as soon as the words left his mouth, F/N lost her balance. It took her maybe a second to regain it, but the brunet had already darted towards her and, as their bodies crashed into one another, all they could do was share an alarmed look as they fell into the water.

Luckily, the ocean was calm that night and it took little effort to rise to the surface. F/N gasped for her breath before opening her now aching eyes, fully intending to apologize – until she saw Levi, that was. The Captain had a long ass string of seaweed tangled in his ebony hair and falling down the side of his face, his features contorted in sheer disgust. He almost reminded her of a dog chasing its tail, with the way he furiously struggled to remove the offending greenery.

She struggled so hard not to burst into laughter on the spot. Instead, F/N swam over to him and gently disentangled the seaweed from his head, trying and nearly failing to contain the chuckles bubbling in her chest. Levi stared at her face while she helped him, looking dead into her eyes once she was done.

F/N lasted for one entire second of eye contact, before burying her head in his shoulder without thinking – a last resort, hopeless attempt to hide her ensuing fit of laughter.

The Captain was left stunned. For one, this woman was pissing herself laughing at him, _while_ clinging to him. Two, he’d never seen her having such a fit, with hiccups and tears and the whole package. Three, now that he looked at himself in retrospect… he could kind of see why it was so funny.

It started with an unusual type of warmth deep in his chest. Then, he felt his shoulders beginning to shake. Before he could do anything about it, Levi joined her, the sound of his own laughter so foreign and yet so fresh to his own ears. It took him entirely by surprise, like most things seemed to happen when he was in this woman’s company.

“Oi! Identify yourselves!”

F/N drew back, her expression morphing into one of alarm in the blink of an eye. Levi took one glance above and loudly clicked his tongue in annoyance. It was the coast guard.

It wouldn’t exactly serve him _well_ to deal with a report, but it would affect him much less than F/N. The other option was to evade them altogether, however that would cause the Marleyan coast guard unnecessary stress, thinking they’d allowed enemy scouts to escape.

Levi sighed to himself. It wasn’t the first time he got into trouble with the law – in fact, it almost made him feel ten years younger.

He shifted until F/N’s face was entirely hidden in his chest and stared up at the soldiers with an unaffected expression.

“Levi Ackerman.”

Predictably, upon hearing his name and momentarily blinding him with flashlights to get a good look at his face, the soldiers spluttered.

“C-Captain Ackerman? What are you doing here?”

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m taking a swim.”

They were obviously at a loss on whether or not to comment on the fact that he wasn’t alone, which Levi frankly found quite hilarious. “You do realize, sir, that swimming is forbidden outside the public beach perimeter. We’ll have to send a report of this event to the HQ.”

“Is that so? I’m very sorry. Rest assured, you can resume your duties. My beach party is over.”

The soldiers took the hint, moving on with their patrol. When Levi and F/N climbed back up to the pavement, she barely looked him in the eye.

“I’m so sorry you got into trouble because of me. I should be taking my share of the consequences.”

The brunet eyed her pointedly, the shadow of a smirk on his damp features. “Magath lets Hange deal with any disciplinary measures regarding the former Paradisian soldiers. Worst thing she can do to me is make me sit through a lecture on how Reiner may or may not be able to take a shit in his titan form.”

Though she still felt guilty to an extent, F/N couldn’t help but grin at his joke. Soaked as it was, she nestled herself in the jacket Levi had kindly offered – since she was wet from head to toe, the breeze was starting to make her shiver. The Captain’s special genes had his metabolism working like a train engine, so he had no such trouble, even as the material of his grey shirt clung to every dip and crevice of his toned chest. F/N forced herself not to stare, repeating it like a mantra in her head.

“Let’s take a shortcut,” Levi said, noticing her condition and glancing towards the docks, where a few simple rowing boats sat unsupervised. “In my experience, you rarely get unlucky enough to be caught twice on the same night.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii and thank you all for the support, as always! Bad news - this chapter's just a teeeeeny tad shorter than usual. Good news - eat up the fluff while you still can! :D  
> Also, if you can pinpoint the Easter egg line from another brilliant series, you get a cookie made just for you by Levi xD  
> Hope you guys enjoy this one!

“Let me read this again,” Hange spoke, removing her glasses, rubbing her eyes, putting them back on and continuing to gawk at the paper in her hands.

“You were caught swimming in an off-limits area.”

“Hmm.”

“With an unidentified woman.”

“Hmm.”

“ _Laughing_ loud enough to be considered a public nuisance.”

“Hmm.”

“And then you _stole_ a boat that you took back to the docks this morning.”

“Hmm.”

Hange leaned back in her chair, staring at the ceiling. She didn’t move for quite some time, and Levi did nothing but wait patiently.

Eventually, the scientist rose to her feet and made a beeline towards the door.

“Where the hell are you going, Shitty Glasses?”

“In town, to buy three to five bottles of wine,” was the curt response, to which Levi deadpanned.

“Oi, oi, oi, you can’t let this go just like that. At least lock me up for a day or something. Why should I get away with shit like this while other soldiers can’t?”

Hange whirred around, her hands in the air beside her head. “Because whatever happened last night is called a _miracle_ , and God-fearing people do _not_ get in the _way_ of those.”

* * *

“Have you heard about Captain Levi’s disciplinary report?” Connie asked in a shushed voice, his eyes scanning the mess hall as if Levi could suddenly appear out of thin air. F/N nearly choked on her breakfast, but thankfully she caught herself.

Her squad had taken to joining the ‘brats’, as Levi half-grumpily, half-affectionately called them, during mealtimes since they’d gradually warmed up to each other and got along quite well. Sometimes, Gabi and Falco joined them as well when they weren’t busy with their training or studies. Today was one of those days.

“A disciplinary report? No way!” Gabi gaped, a little bit too loudly for her comrades’ liking, as they quickly gestured for her to shush. She settled down, a small fluster on her young features. “What did he do?” she asked with a more subdued tone.

Anya chuckled. “The coast guard caught him in the middle of shagging-“

“Oi, Anya!”

“- _Swimming_ with some ‘unidentified’ chick in the middle of the night, in an area where swimming is illegal.”

F/N could feel her roommate’s pointed stare burning a hole into her profile, but she diligently ate her oatmeal while maintaining a carefully schooled expression of vague interest. It was time like these that her training came in handy, not to mention it was not the first time one of her teammates tried to tease her about their Captain. She’d gotten quite good at waving those comments off. What made her uneasy, though, was the knowledge that, this time, there genuinely _was_ something to tease her about.

“Captain Levi has a _girlfriend_?” Falco whisper-yelled with wide eyes.

“You’re a bunch of nosy brats. Let the man be while he’s still young,” Adam intervened, to which F/N found it appropriate to snicker and lightly elbow him.

“You’ve been around him too much, don’t you think?”

“Hah? You’re one to talk,” was the instant retort. F/N could control her facial expression, however she couldn’t prevent her cheeks from turning into an interesting shade of beetroot. This wasn’t a good omen.

Before the young woman could come up with a lifesaving rebuttal, Pieck’s intense stare caught her eye.

“Adam has a point. Do _you_ know anything about it?”

“Eh? Why would I?”

“Because he actually likes you,” Mikasa spoke evenly. “Which is a weird thing on its own.”

As F/N sputtered in search for a response, Reiner and Jean eyed the two women with their heads cocked in bemusement.

“Why are you so interested in this?”

Mikasa offered Jean a bland look. “Because I thought I’d seen everything there was to be seen in this world, and yet I stand corrected.”

Pieck nodded her head in agreement.

“Guys-“ Armin was promptly interrupted when Annie’s hand covered his mouth. His blue eyes met her matching hues, and the former Warrior shook her head, pulling him into her shoulder to ensure he couldn’t escape. Armin was so taken aback that he missed the cheeky wink Anya sent Annie’s way.

“Maybe she doesn’t want to tell us because _she’s_ the unidentified woman,” Joey quipped teasingly, causing the table to erupt, in spite of Armin’s desperate, muffled warnings and the horror slowly appearing on Falco’s face.

Reiner and Connie burst into a loud fit of laughter.

“Yeah, right! As if Captain Levi could end up with someone so nice-“

F/N flinched when the duo’s heads were promptly smacked against the table, Levi standing behind them with a less than amused expression. While Reiner and Connie groaned in pain, the brunet eyed the rest of them, who suddenly turned dead silent.

“If I’m such an interesting topic of discussion, how about you shitty brats talk about me to my face?”

The male soldiers settled down in the blink of an eye and Anya opted not to get on his nerves this one time, yet Jean and Armin shared a mutual look of utter mortification when Pieck and Mikasa opened their mouths at the same time.

Gabi, however, beat the both of them to it.

“Captain Levi, do you have a girlfriend?”

Falco choked, as did F/N. Levi simply blinked at the young girl for a few seconds, after which he sighed. He couldn’t deny that a part of him had expected something like this – the news of his disciplinary report had spread around the HQ like wildfire, after all. Annoyingly, absolutely everyone was talking about it, concocting the most creative and ridiculous rumors.

“Tch. No. What I _do_ have, though, is a life that doesn’t always revolve around this shithole of a place and your annoying asses.”

“So she’s a civilian?” Pieck chipped in, unfazed by Levi’s put-off glare.

“None of your damn business,” he grumped, almost groaning when he felt an arm draping around his shoulder, the insufferable smell of alcohol hitting his nostrils. He looked at Hange with disgust – he couldn’t believe the idiot actually went through with her moronic idea and was chugging wine ‘in his honor’ first thing in the morning. She waved a bottle in the air with her free hand, a tipsy smile on her face.

“Come on, you guys, don’t give him a hard time. I’ve been waiting for…” she began counting on her fingers clumsily. “ _Six years_ for something like this to finally happen again.”

“Again?”

“ _Hange-_ “

“So let’s be happy for Levi here! You guys want a drink?”

Jean blanched. “Hange, it’s 8 in the morning.”

“A _responsible_ drink?”

Levi clicked his tongue, fed up but unable to escape Hange’s strong grip without unwillingly hurting her. “You’re a bunch of fucking morons. I hate all of your dumb asses,” he grumbled. He liked them more when they were younger and lacked the nerve to get all up in his personal life. Hange was bad enough to deal with.

Thankful that her sheer embarrassment had gone overlooked due to the commotion, F/N decided to use this as her cue to escape. She felt bad for Levi, truly, but she was also aware that it was only a matter of time before one of her idiotic teammates brought _her_ up into the discussion, and the former spy was not particularly inclined to deal with that situation.

“I appreciate the offer, Hange, but I have cleaning duties today” she gave the first excuse that came to mind and had to force herself not to practically bolt outside the mess hall, maintaining a calm stride instead.

“Wait, aren’t we all off today?” Falco confusedly called after her. She froze, inwardly cursing her days.

“That’s true, but um, I- I have to do it as punishment,” F/N lied through her teeth, her gaze begging Levi for help. “I…”

“I caught her wandering the halls after curfew,” the Captain blurted, realizing one second too late that he couldn’t have _possibly_ done so, because he himself was not in the HQ at that time last night.

“A few nights ago,” F/N added quickly, nodding in all seriousness. “But I’m doing my punishment today since we’ve all been so busy the past few days. I’ve got a lot to do – clean the windows, mop the floors, do the laundry-“

“Is that why your nightdress is all soaked in a basket in our room? _Laundry?”_ Anya, who’d been suspiciously quiet, asked innocently. F/N’s eyes met her sly brown hues and, in that moment, the young woman waged war. She could play many a game, she just _chose_ not to.

“Ah, no, no. That’s there because I had a dream where you _didn’t_ stick your nose in anyone’s business, and that brought me to all peaks of ecstasy.”

Their table, minus Falco and Gabi who didn’t understand the carefully verbalized innuendo, began roaring with laughter, and since Anya could take what she dished out, the brunette simply raised her hands in surrender while chuckling at her own expense. F/N decided to leave it at that, and this time she did bolt, before anyone decided to ask any more questions. She would have to clean for the whole day now, but it was preferable.

She didn’t look back at Levi, but she didn’t need to. They were going to meet later at night, anyway.

* * *

“I would apologize, but I’m honestly relieved I won’t have to clean up a pigsty tomorrow,” Levi drawled as he wiped the windowsill, making F/N chuckle. She should have known better than to assume the brunet would pass on the opportunity to get his cleaning gloves on, and truthfully she wasn’t complaining in the least. The young woman didn’t _mind_ cleaning, but it also wasn’t something she enjoyed spending the whole day doing; also, his company was more than welcome. Most of their comrades had opted to make the most out of their day off, so there was no one around to tease them, either.

“I should be the one apologizing,” she hummed. “I should have imagined they’d make a big deal out of it.”

Levi sighed noncommittally, which prompted her to raise an interested brow.

“…Unless, of course, you’re only pretending to be annoyed with them.”

“Tch. I’m always pretending to be annoyed with them.”

F/N giggled. “Why?”

He sent her a pointed look, which admittedly lost most of its menacing aura due to the sanitary headscarf he was sporting. It reminded F/N of a diaper, not that she’d ever make that comment aloud. “The day I stop is the day I have no privacy whatsoever.”

“Ah? So when _I_ ask you questions, you’re only pretending to be freaked out as well?”

Levi lowered his protective garment and deadpanned at her. “Are you _trying_ to be a pain in the ass?”

F/N leant on her mop, feeling surprisingly playful. She stuck her tongue out at him. “I cleaned this whole place when I didn’t have to. Be nice to me.”

“I stole a boat to get your freezing ass back to HQ. I think we’re even.”

“You use that word a lot, Levi. Are you an ass guy?”

At that, the Captain sputtered, almost in disbelief that those words left her mouth. F/N felt the amusement bubbling in her chest, but she contained it; he’d looked so proud when he managed to fluster her – she could do just as good of a job.

“What’s your preference? Small and plump? The bigger the better? Heart-shaped? Bubble butts?”

Levi cleared his throat, placing his elbow on the spotless windowsill and rubbing the bridge of his nose. He seemed to contemplate something, and F/N was left with the shit-eating grin on her face, yet also a bit tense in anticipation of his reaction.

Ultimately, the brunet’s stormy eyes settled on her, and the young woman instantly knew she was in trouble. He dusted off his palms and rubbed them together.

“Spanked.”

F/N rushed to run away before he even took a step, however, in her haste, she stepped straight into the soapy water bucket, tripped and fell on the floor with a thud, the water pooling around her. She yelped out a curse and struggled to get up, only to slip and fall a second time.

The young woman only looked behind her when she heard a wheeze, and her gaze landed on Levi’s hunched over form. He was supporting himself with one hand on his knee, while the other was covering his face as his shoulders silently shook. F/N couldn’t help it then – she broke into laughter as well.

“I stand corrected,” Levi spoke once he regained control of himself, mirth still swirling around in his grey eyes. “… _That’s_ my preference.”

F/N pouted, the flirtatious nuance of his comment flying right past her ears in her skirmish with the floor. “Will you help me up? It’s too slippery.”

He clicked his tongue. “I would, if I wasn’t such an _ass_ hole. But you can come into the kitchen once you’re done cleaning this mess up. I’ll make tea tonight.”

She sulked in response, gazing up at him in feigned sadness whilst he gracefully avoided the frothy pool on his way out. Levi didn’t exactly _fall_ for it, but he did stop to say something over his shoulder with apparent indifference.

“Hurry up or the food will get cold.”

And just like that, she perked up.

* * *

As he tasted the entrée for the seventh time, Levi wondered why the everloving fuck he was so stressed out about F/N enjoying his cooking. Granted, it wasn’t something that he did often and he was mostly thankful for being busy enough to avoid kitchen duty, but the brunet did find the activity somewhat soothing when he dabbled in it just for the sake of it. Tasty food had been a luxury for the better part of his life, and although the meals served in the Marleyan military weren’t atrocious, he secretly cherished every single bite he’d ever taken out of a delicious dish, no matter how simple. It was a well-kept secret, something small just for himself.

He’d cooked for others before, mostly out of necessity, but Levi never made it seem like a big deal. He’d planned for it to be the same today – since everyone was off, there was no one to cook for the soldiers, and all the leftovers had been served for breakfast that morning. As such, most of them had either fixed something small for themselves or taken the opportunity to dine in town.

And yet, after getting a taste of F/N’s cooking, the Captain had the odd feeling that he needed to be up to par. He knew she had a sweet tooth, but he couldn’t whip up something sugary to save his life, plus it wasn’t recommended for their dietary requirements anyway. Therefore, he found himself struggling to make the only thing he’d ever seen her order willingly, while also trying to make the damn cauliflower soup taste like _something_ , so he could eat it too.

After scrunching his face up in disgust a few times, Levi was finally content with the damn thing and he decided to leave it alone before he did something to ruin it. He then began doing the natural thing to do while waiting for F/N to show up – clean – only to find himself snorting at the memory of her tripping on her own feet earlier in the day. The Captain couldn’t believe that she got him laughing his ass off two days in a row, but she wasn’t normally a clumsy mess, so it took him completely by surprise.

A part of him knew so very well that he shouldn’t allow himself to unwind so much, not with what was coming up, but it all seemed to be happening without his consent.

…Well, not _quite_ without his consent. He was allowing it to happen, obviously, and he had to own up to it. The better way to phrase it would be that he couldn’t really find the motivation not to let it flow, when it felt like he was finally taking a deep breath of fresh air after years of suffocating inside the cage he’d built for himself. Life had already forced Levi to see that he _wasn’t_ a machine, he was just as human and vulnerable and fleeting as everyone else, yet the brunet hadn’t really had the courage to _act_ like it until F/N appeared in his life.

He’d first been drawn by the parts of himself he saw in her, as if by opening her eyes and helping her, he’d be helping himself somehow. But she was also so different, in so many ways, that he would be horribly disrespecting her if he looked at her as someone who simply needed help. Yes, Levi had the advice, but F/N was so much better at applying it than he was. When she found the strength to lower her own barriers, the Captain was somehow prompted to do the same. When she loosened up and acted playful, he couldn’t help but join her. It was a very ‘If-I-can-do-it-you-can-do-it’, give and take, unspoken type of dynamic, and Levi was lapping it up as if he were literally eating courage out of a bowl.

Yes, he still got eerie chills running down his spine when he dared to think that, were she to have continued her original mission, she might have been successful. Yes, there was an uncomfortable knot forming in his stomach as he laid out the plans for the upcoming mission in his mind, where this young woman was going to be on the frontlines for the first time in her life.

And yet, in spite of those things, in that moment, Levi was more concerned about whether or not F/N would enjoy the cauliflower soup he made.

“Well, you made tea alright.”

He turned around to meet her cheerful gaze, whilst she glanced at the various pots and pans he’d used. If he was inwardly embarrassed by how many utensils he’d employed just to make a damn bowl of soup, Levi didn’t let it show. Instead, he snorted.

“Good thing I didn’t make it yet, or you’d be drinking cold tea. What took you so long?”

F/N rolled her eyes, taking her seat at the table and scrunching her nose a little bit in her attempt to put a finger on the smell she was sensing. “Well, thanks to _your_ help, it only took me an hour to clean up that mess and another hour to get the detergent out of my hair. That’s some really potent stuff.”

Sarcastic remark aside, she indeed looked to be straight out of the showers. Her hair was obviously damp and tied up in a messy (but curiously endearing) bun, and Levi amusedly noted that she must have run out of cute nightwear; she was currently sporting a black hoodie that was clearly too big for her, the length reaching down to her knees and the sleeves almost eating her hands. It was probably Anya’s, but Levi had to admit, as prim and proper as F/N usually liked to present herself, this carefree fashion suited her.

“What did you make there?” the former spy questioned, unaware of her Captain’s inner monologue. She still couldn’t identify the smell of the meal, although she was starving, and a deeply hidden part of her was a tad giddy at the prospect of eating something that Levi cooked for her.

He placed a bowl in front of her as a response, and F/N instantly bit her tongue.

…Cauliflower soup.

Of course.

She’d had _every_ intention to tell him that she hated that stuff with a passion in her bedridden days, when that was nearly the only thing she received as a meal, but the young woman had completely forgotten about it since. And now, F/N was left fighting an inner battle, because he’d taken the time to make her what he thought was her favorite meal, only for her to probably hate it.

“What’s wrong? Don’t tell me you’re not hungry.”

“Ah no, I’m ravenous,” she giggled tensely, reaching a conclusion and steeling herself as she grabbed a spoon. She was a soldier, and she was going to persevere. “This smells really nice, thanks for cooking.”

“Hm.”

They both ate quietly, which wasn’t unusual. However, their normal breaks of silence were seldom, if ever awkward, and now one could cut the backwardness in the kitchen with a knife. Neither showed anything on their faces, but Levi was repeatedly kicking himself because he’d been wrong – this stuff still wasn’t remotely edible – and F/N was focusing on the mantra in her head, telling herself it wasn’t the _worst_ thing she’d ever ingested.

“F/N.”

“Mm?”

When he looked into her eyes, it felt like he was staring into her soul. “Do you _actually_ like this shit?”

She pursed her lips nervously, gingerly dropping her spoon into the bowl and offering an expression that was innocent, apologetic and sheepish all the same. “Well, um… I wanted to tell you before, but, um… I kind of… hate it?”

He sighed, giving her a nod of acknowledgment and getting up to clear the table. F/N suddenly felt a pang in her chest, seeing him so dejected.

“But this was the best version of a shitty thing I’ve ever had!”

Instead of receiving a reply, F/N yelped when Levi threw a bunch of potatoes for her to catch. He eyed her pointedly. “Less sparing my feelings, more rinsing potatoes. And leave the peel on.”

“W-What are you doing?”

“Something you’ve probably never had before. When you’re poor, you take whatever you have, stick it in a potato, bake it and it’s the best shit ever.”

* * *

“Well, that _was_ the best shit ever,” F/N giggled, leaning back into her chair and rubbing her stomach. If she had her doubts about showing up in an oversized hoodie before, now she was patting herself on the shoulder; she was so full, it would be embarrassing if she had nothing to cover her swollen stomach.

She glanced towards Levi when she didn’t get a response, only to see that his disposition had wholly changed. He didn’t look sad, exactly, but F/N deduced that his childhood meal brought back certain memories.

Her gaze softened, but she didn’t prod. Instead, the young woman rose to her feet despite the discomfort of being full and set to making tea. If all else failed, tea always made Levi feel better. She’d learned that much about him.

“I said I’d do it.”

“And I said I’d be a unicorn when I grew up,” F/N quipped over her shoulder.

“Why the fuck would you want to be a horse?”

She shrugged, giving him a playful look. “Maybe I’m Jean’s long lost sister.”

The young woman turned away to hide her smile when she got him to snort out a small chuckle, and continued her task. That was enough for her.

Unbeknownst to her, Levi traced each and every one of her movements, a complex array of emotions swirling in his eyes. He wasn’t stupid, he was well aware that she knew his mood had soured and was trying to cheer him up, without verbally revealing it. Somehow, that simple gesture touched him so deeply that he was overcome with an unexplainable itch to rise to his feet, wrap his arms around her and pull her close to his chest.

Just as soon as the idea popped in his head, Levi clenched his hands into fists and swallowed tensely. What the fuck? Where had that come from?

His heart raced with fear, even more so when F/N gave him a smile as she set the perfectly brewed tea in front of him. This was more than he could handle, Levi belatedly realized; while he could come to terms with the fact that monitoring her had transformed into an unexpectedly engaging and refreshing friendship, whatever this unexpected urge entailed was more than he’d bargained for.

And, as she serenely conversed about this and that, the brunet realized there was no way to go back, either.

* * *

“Nothing?”

“Nothing,” Reiner grunted, crossing his arms over his chest. He was the last to confirm his findings – or lack thereof. Unbeknownst to the four Starkans forming Levi’s newest squad, they’d each had soldiers assigned to monitor them carefully during the past months. Reiner had taken care of Joey, Hange supervised Adam, Annie and Mikasa carefully looked at Anya, while Levi had taken it upon himself to remove any and all shreds of doubt regarding F/N.

They all ended up being clear as a whistle. There was nothing pointing to any suspicious activities, behaviors or materials in their possession, and they’d been nothing but cooperative – in their own ways, of course. It wasn’t surprising, to an extent, considering their individual history. It was simply something that had to be confirmed.

“Good, then,” said Levi, his voice purposefully lacking any sort of inflection. The nearer the mission, the more uneasy he felt. It was already nerve-wracking enough that this was possibly the most important task they had to achieve during this new war; the increasing, gnawing concern for F/N’s safety wasn’t doing him any favors, but Levi couldn’t express it in any way, shape or form. The last thing he needed was to openly show that his personal feelings were tugging at his judgment. “We’ll continue as planned.”

“Captain…” Jean interjected, visibly uncomfortable with the prospect of bringing this to Levi’s attention _again_ , however he was also unable to keep silent. “Do we really not have a plan B?”

Knowing the brunet well enough to predict a snarky comment before it even left his mouth, Hange replied for him. “I know it’s a big risk, but this is the only chance we’ve got. We have no choice but to trust in their abilities.”

The young man sighed, a conflicted expression marring his face as he glanced towards Armin. “What do you think?”

He bit his lip. “There’s no telling how long the Starkans will continue to stay put, Jean. Historia worked hard to give us this chance – we can’t delay it at this point.”

“I will personally ensure that their part of the operation goes smoothly,” Levi intervened with confidence. That, he could swear on. “I’m the one who proposed their recruitment, I’m the one who’s been training them and I’m their Captain now. If you can’t trust them, then trust me.”

His affirmation was met with silence. Ultimately, no one had any objections that could outweigh the Captain’s words.

“Well,” Magath rose from his seat. “I suppose then it’s time to debrief them.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! There's a small change of schedule this week due to an unexpected (but welcome!) roadtrip I'll be going on this weekend. I'll be in the countryside without my laptop or Internet, so I preferred to post this chapter sooner rather than later :D Hope you guys enjoy, and just a reminder - all the warnings in the tags of this story are there for a reason! Lots of love, and have a great weekend and upcoming week!

“If you were to betray us, how would you go about it?” Levi asked her one night. F/N had smiled humorlessly, knowing the real depth of that question. He wanted to know what to look for in potential spies, and he’d built enough trust in her to ask.

“I wouldn’t have any obvious equipment in my possession, and I suppose listening devices would be gone out the window given your tendency to clean every nook and cranny. I would wait until you’re comfortable enough to allow me to go outside the perimeter alone, and I’d pass information on in the most inconspicuous way. I’d ‘accidentally’ bump into another person on the street, but slip them a stolen document or a note. I’d use my insomnia as an excuse to wander around instead of making tea, and I’d pick locks and get into your classified files. I’d make certain comments about your plans and actions, seemingly in a constructive way, but in fact I’d be manipulating you into choosing a course of action that would benefit the enemy. I’d plant bugs on your computers and surveillance cameras, maybe even mess with the maneuvering gear before an important mission.”

Levi had grunted, his forehead once again showing the faint wrinkles which usually went unnoticed.

“Do you think you’d be able to recognize another spy?”

F/N had sighed. “I’d like to say yes, but the truth is that it really depends. We all receive different kinds of training, based on the missions they want us to accomplish. I was molded to manipulate, create confusion, seduce. I can recognize my own methods, but it was never revealed to me what kind of techniques a spy trained for sabotage or assassination would employ.”

The Captain had remained silent for some time, sipping his warm orange and cinnamon tea. It was slowly becoming his favorite, not that he would admit it out loud. F/N’s perceptive gaze had studied his features.

“Do you have someone in mind?”

It was then his turn to sigh. “Everyone.”

* * *

_‘One hundred seventy-five, one hundred seventy-six…’_

F/N tried her damnedest to sleep. She really did. Levi had made it quite clear that he would skin her alive if he caught her outside her room, since the night before a mission was the worst time to give in to insomniac tendencies.

And yet, they seemed to be hitting her harder than ever before.

The young woman honestly envied her roommate in that moment. Anya’s contours were softly illuminated by the protruding moonlight, her powerful form at ease for once. She always slept in the same position, straight on her back, as if ready to jump into action at any given moment. Contrary to that impression, however, the brunette was a surprisingly deep sleeper – she never woke up when F/N entered or exited their room, and her loud snoring was rather amusing. Anya never admitted to being anything other than a lethal feline who slept as quietly and as lightly as she could kill you, so her actual habits really were quite funny to witness. It wasn’t like F/N was complaining – she could sneak out whenever she wished without being confronted, and the snoring didn’t bother her since she couldn’t sleep anyway.

Tonight, F/N had tried everything. She tried focusing on her breathing and relaxing. She tried focusing on _Anya’s_ breathing. She tossed and turned, uncomfortably aware of her occasionally quickening heartbeat and wary of the possibility of being struck by a panic attack at any moment. Her mind just refused to shut off, thoughts running at miles per hour. It started out as apprehension for the next day’s events, but the more she tried to ignore it, the deeper and more painful her erratic overthinking became. Her last resort was counting sheep.

_‘Two hundred. And now I need to vomit.’_

F/N sighed, recognizing the nausea in the pit of her stomach. It would do no good to hope that it would go away on its own – she would only end up waking her teammate in a most unpleasant way.

As a result, the former spy soundlessly opened the door and walked into the dimly lit corridor, foregoing even her slippers. She only planned to use the common bathrooms and come straight back, plus the floors were spotless. F/N had scrubbed them herself.

She seemed to underestimate her nausea, though, for the round-the-corner walk to the female bathrooms suddenly felt like a marathon. Her hand flew to her mouth to keep the contents of her stomach from patterning the freshly cleaned tiles, brisk walk turning into a sprint. F/N barely even acknowledged the existence of the person she nearly crashed into, while practically diving for the toilet area designated for the female soldiers.

She began heaving as soon as her hands grasped the toilet seat, wincing at how violent and loud her gagging was. The door to her stall opened, but F/N couldn’t be bothered to turn around and see who it was – with her luck, it was probably Levi, half-disgusted and half-prepared to chide her for failing to sleep.

“Hey, hey, F/N, what’s wrong?” Joey’s concerned voice reached her ears instead and, not without surprise, she tilted her head to give him a confused look before the need to heave struck her again. The blue-eyed medic kneeled beside her and kindly held her hair back, although F/N wanted nothing more than to wave his worry off and insist she was alright.

“Come on, let’s splash some cold water on your face,” he urged her gently when it appeared she was done emptying her insides, tugging her up by her arm. F/N begrudgingly accepted his help, grimacing at the mess she’d made. The cold water did benefit her a little bit, and she furiously rinsed her mouth whilst inwardly bemoaning the fact that she’d forgotten her toothbrush. She felt disgusting and, suddenly, exhausted.

“Better?” Joey asked, giving her a tentative smile.

“…Yeah. Thank you.”

“Did the anxiety for tomorrow get to you?”

“What are you doing here so late?” F/N inquired, deflecting the question she felt uncomfortable discussing. Joey scratched the back of his head, the hint of a grin appearing on his features.

“Actually, I was just done taking a midnight wee when you almost ran me over.”

She flinched. “…Sorry about that.”

“No, no, don’t worry. Do you want me to give you something to soothe your stomach? I don’t have access to the lab if I’m unsupervised, but I can make you some tea for it.”

Honestly, even though her comfort zone was breached, that didn’t sound bad at all. F/N opened her mouth to say as much, but someone else beat her to it.

“Oi, what are you two doing?”

This time, it _was_ Levi. And to say he looked displeased was an understatement. He eyed them both for a second, after which the Captain fixed his surprisingly intense glare on Joey.

“Actually, what are _you_ doing in the women’s bathroom?”

“I felt a bit unwell and he happened to be around,” F/N answered for her teammate, unwilling to let him get into trouble for a kind gesture. Levi processed her statement for a moment.

“Are you feeling better now?”

“Well, yes-“

“Then you can go back to your rooms,” he interrupted her. “No reason to keep pissing around. You both have shit to do tomorrow.”

“Yes, sir,” they replied, F/N much more quietly than Joey. What was wrong with Levi? He wasn’t normally this harsh.

She tried to shake it off, as much as his sharp demeanor genuinely stung, and moved to walk past him. She could feel his stare on her, but F/N offered no eye contact and couldn’t help but raise her brows in irritation when the Captain grabbed her arm to stop her. He gestured with his chin for Joey to keep walking, then his stormy hues rested on her.

“Hold on. I want to make sure you clean after yourself,” Levi said loud enough for Joey to hear – he realized it was a piss poor excuse the second it came out of his mouth, but in that moment the Captain couldn’t exactly be bothered to care. He shut the door and sent F/N a very pointed look.

“What were you _actually_ doing?”

She almost gawked at him. “What do you mean? I threw my brains out and he splashed water on my face. That’s literally all there was to it.”

“Don’t lie to me, F/N. I didn’t hear much, but I did hear that brat offering to make you tea. I thought I told you not to wander off tonight.”

It finally clicked, and F/N seriously wanted to smack him. However, she forced herself to remain calm, explaining like she would to a child. “Levi. I felt sick, interrupted his wee, and he offered to make me tea to _calm my stomach_ because he can’t get medicine from the lab during the night.”

Ironically albeit embarrassingly for her, the smell of her previous activity finally wafted off to Levi’s nose. He stared at her unblinking for a few moments, after which his shoulders visibly fell.

“…Ah.”

Despite her annoyance with him for hindering her chances of getting that tea – which she actually felt she could use – F/N almost couldn’t believe her own eyes. She _knew_ what she was looking at right then, but at the same time it felt too unbelievable to be real.

“Levi… were you jealous?”

He sputtered, only confirming her hypothesis more. “What the shit did you just say?”

F/N couldn’t keep the damn smile off her face. “I enjoy drinking tea with you the most. In fact, I wasn’t even a fan of it before I met you.”

“You’ve lost your fucking mind, F/N,” the Captain refused to surrender, even though her affirmation sounded awfully pleasant to his ears. What was not pleasant, on the other hand, was the feeling of guilt suddenly ramming into him. If it were anyone else, he wouldn’t have cared too much, but Levi felt a pang of remorse for attacking her like that, on top of her not feeling well in the first place. He’d fought a long battle with himself, ultimately deciding that his selfish desire to spend time with her, before she could possibly be taken away, was just that – selfish. Levi had thought that getting some much needed rest was what she truly needed, but now he wasn’t so sure; not to mention the fact that he’d been _jealous_ of F/N’s _gay teammate_ , which wasn’t doing his embarrassment any favors.

His lack of response to her brief expression of affection also seemed to be discouraging, for her smile morphed back into that insufferable mask of perfect composure.

“…Did he mention what kind of tea it was?”

F/N shrugged her shoulders. “It’s not a big deal. I’ll just go back to my room. Sorry for the bother.”

It was no such thing, the brunet couldn’t help but counter in his own mind, although the words themselves failed to travel past his lips. He swallowed, his Adam’s apple remaining nearly stuck with the movement. Levi could see that she wasn’t handling things well, that he’d done nothing for her by forcing her to stay cooped up in her room and what little comfort her teammate might have been able to provide was thrown out the window because of his moodiness as well. He wracked his brain for another pretext to make it up to her.

“You should eat something first. Since your dinner went to shit.”

She gazed at him for a long time, as if itching to drop a heavy weight and yet forcing herself to keep holding on to it. “Thanks, but I’m not hungry,” she stubbornly controlled her voice, turning it into something nearly toneless, and it almost drove him mad. Levi had to clench his fists in order to not smack himself – despite the closeness they’d somehow sewn together, he still managed to put his foot in his mouth and cause her to draw back to her original defenses. Again, no matter how he tried to make it right, it felt like he was talking to a wall. They didn’t work too well, in that way – she was so sensitive to his feedback, and he didn’t know how to soften his edges more than he already had.

“Do you really think that’s going to work on me at this point?” the Captain exclaimed in frustration. “I’m trying to help you!”

“I appreciate it, Levi.”

“Then tell me what the hell is wrong with you tonight!”

She was fully about to open her mouth and say that it didn’t matter, but F/N bit her lip. She wasn’t in the right state of mind at all, she was regressing to a mindset she’d fought assiduously to overcome and Levi raising his voice was doing her no favors. Whereas a few days ago she would have gladly let him in, now all she wanted to do was flee – it was wrong, it brought her nothing beneficial and she _knew_ that, but it was so _hard_.

Her inner fight became so arduous that it penetrated her façade, making Levi’s eyes minimally widen at the appearance of her tears. He remained still for a moment, realizing that her behavior had nothing to do with _him_ , but with whatever demons she was struggling to battle. Any irritation he still felt dissipated, leaving room for empathy. He couldn’t be a piece of shit to her, he couldn’t lap up the comfort and affection she offered, secretly proud that it was for him only, then fail to step up when she needed the same things.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Levi corrected himself with a much gentler tone, carefully approaching her. She was holding herself together by the seams, her teary eyes almost frightful as she lifted her gaze to watch him. “Will you come to my office? I was an ass and made tea even though you weren’t there, but I still have some.”

The ghost of a smile tried to appear on her face at his self-deprecating humor. It lasted no more than a second, but the Captain still felt relieved when she nodded and followed him along.

Levi’s head rumbled with memories and flashbacks of himself, even as he sat her down and set to pouring her a cup of orange and cinnamon tea. He remembered just how _fucking hard_ it’d been for him to finally release his pent-up trauma, to lock himself in a tiny room and bring a decade’s worth of suffering to the surface because he’d reached the tipping point and was no longer functional. It’d blinded him so much that all he could see was vengeance, to the point where those dear to him faded in the background; to the point where he developed a twisted view on the world around him, using Zeke as a scapegoat for every single thing that brought him suffering instead of facing his pain head-on, allowing himself to feel it, absolving himself of the suffocating hold it had on him.

Levi had put in the effort to overcome that as a last resort, because his comrades needed him and they needed him in a lucid state of mind. Did he wish for something different, something that was done for his own sake instead of that of the world? Not necessarily.

Did he want anyone else to experience the same pain, the same loneliness and defeat? Did he want F/N to deal with that, ten or twenty years later when her intentional ignorance would make her lose her mind?

Absolutely not.

So he kneeled in front of her and spoke the words that _he_ would have needed to hear.

“You can do it, you know. You can let it all out.”

Her whole body trembled with tension, her bottom lip bleeding from how hard she was biting it. She shook her head, a quiet sob rattling her shoulders.

“I-I can’t.”

“Yes, you _can_. You’re stronger than whatever is tormenting you.”

F/N chuckled bitterly, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. Levi didn’t take it personally – he used to be _much_ more aggressively defensive than her in the past. It seemed he’d struck a chord.

“Am I really? Or am I just a spoiled, weak coward? Do you see anyone else being affected as much as I am? All these people who’ve suffered so much more than me, so much longer than me, and yet they hold their head high, they don’t whine, don’t cry, don’t lose sleep at night. Who am I to sit here and bawl to _you_ , when you’ve faced and lost things I could never even conceive? Who am I to be scared of tomorrow, when there are people younger than me who’ve been through so much worse and they never complain?”

Levi outwardly remained calm, but a part of him wanted to screw this patient approach and call her an idiot. For someone who could read others so easily, she was horribly blind to things about herself that were glaringly obvious even to someone like him, and Levi was far from claiming to be an expert when it came to people. He bit his tongue from saying anything inappropriate, but he still regarded her with a firm stare.

“Is that so? And, pray tell, which one of these mighty strong people that you speak of is as alone or as new to this as you are?”

Her expression turned from one of self-loathing to one of confusion. “…Huh?”

“Everyone, and I mean _every_ single soldier in our ranks, has either one or both of two things: years of experience, and close comrades who’ve been with them through thick and thin. There are people like Anya and Adam, who are mostly loners but have years of experience to rely on, and while Joey lacks that, he has his family. There are people like Mikasa, Armin and the other brats, who don’t have as much experience but they have each other to lean on. And there are people like me, who have both, despite everything I’ve lost up to this point.”

F/N stayed silent like a statue, but Levi could tell he was reaching her. He didn’t stop.

“You may be very adept at getting along with everyone, but every single struggle you’ve faced, you faced it alone. You had to go from being comfortable and protected to being forced into a war, in the blink of an eye. You lost everything you held dear in one day with no one to console you – even those who were on your side cared more about convincing you to prostitute yourself to a vile piece of shit than your wellbeing. And then you came here, you were tortured and almost died for doing what you thought was right without anyone to back you up, had to make the transition from being a spy to being a soldier within mere months and you _still_ think you don’t have the right to be scared?”

The young woman had begun sobbing by the end of his speech, and Levi put a comforting hand on her knee. “In fact, if there is _anyone_ who has that right, it’s you, F/N.”

She couldn’t take it anymore. She collapsed, falling from the chair and burying her face in Levi’s chest as she wailed. He let her hold onto him as hard and as much as she needed, just like he’d let her laugh in his chest when they fell into the ocean. As professionally inappropriate as it may have been, the brunet was still human and his heart refused to let F/N suffer alone again, not after the fun and peace and acceptance she’d showered him with. Not after the pain that a person as tenderhearted as her should never have to go through.

Although unused to this kind of physical closeness, Levi’s fingers instinctually grazed up and down her back, a gesture more soothing than anything she’d felt in a long time. It was bitterly ironic, how his urge to hold her like this ended up materializing, but somehow it meant more than a simple hug this way. He remained silent and unmoving long after her crying subsided, so unexpectedly comfortable in that position that he didn’t quite catch her mumbled words.

“Hm?”

“I haven’t felt alone,” F/N spoke louder, her voice still strained and uneven, but full of emotion. “Not since I met you.”

Levi took a long breath, processing her words. Before he could think of anything to say, F/N drew back and his eyes rested on her disheveled expression. She released a wistful laugh.

“You probably think I’m silly. But I can’t think of anything that’s made me happier than a cup of tea at night and an illegal dive in the ocean, despite the trouble and the rumors they brought on.”

“You’re not silly,” he replied, his chest aching with the desire to tell her that he, on the contrary, fully shared her sentiment. While not alone, he’d felt lonely amid his own thoughts; he couldn’t remember the last time he went out of his way just to bring a smile to another person’s face – hell, he’d even forgotten the sound of his own laugh before she appeared in his life. However, Levi was unable to shape any words out of these feelings. It really was ironic, how F/N berated herself for being afraid of possible death, while Levi was absolutely terrified of his own heart.

“We’ll do it all over again, as many times as you want,” the brunet said instead, the tenderness in his voice betraying the words he couldn’t say. “Just keep your head clear tomorrow and make it out alive. I can’t make big promises, but I’ll be there, and you’re more than capable to pull it off.”

F/N sniffled, yet she offered him a bright smile. That teary, red-faced, swollen and snotty smile made her look more beautiful than any other expression she could possibly train her features to make.

“I will.”

* * *

“Alright, gear up! You’re getting off in thirty seconds!”

Onyakopon’s voice was almost unintelligible amidst the roar of the engine. The door to the aircraft was already open, ready for them to take the leap. F/N had felt like cursing her days the first time Hange had mentioned parachuting, the only difference being that now she was actually doing so as she attached the object to herself.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-“

_“You do know I can hear you, right, F/N?”_ Levi echoed through her earpiece, glaringly amused like he always was on the rare instances he heard her swear. She gazed his way, only to see him visibly smirking behind his helmet, his posture confidently relaxed.

She and Adam were the only ones who had never parachuted before, but of course the older man stubbornly allowed nothing to faze him. The young woman groaned and she was about to say something smart in reply to her Captain’s teasing, but Anya’s strong grip on her forearm had F/N staring at her instead.

“How did you learn to swim?” the brunette yelled. F/N raised a brow, surprised that her admittedly eccentric teammate would ask something like that at such a time.

“I had a private tutor!” F/N yelled back, expecting to receive an eye roll or something of the sort. Instead, Anya’s lips broke into a Cheshire cat smirk, visible through the transparent, protective glass of her helmet.

“Go!” Onyakopon ordered. Anya’s hold on F/N’s arm tightened.

“This is how I learned,” she winked, then effortlessly threw F/N off the plane.

She shrieked so loudly that Levi most definitely cursed her in the most colorful ways, since his earpiece was permanently tuned to everyone else’s microphones. Of course, she had received instructions on what to do and she adjusted herself into the proper position, but nothing could have prepared her for the sensation itself. It felt like her heart had traveled all the way up to her mouth and even though she’d gotten used to significant heights from using the maneuvering gear, F/N couldn’t exactly go anywhere but down at the moment.

She could hear all three of her teammates laughing their asses off through her earpiece, meaning they’d intentionally turned it on so she could know just how hilarious her predicament was to them. Her face formed a decisive pout as she activated the parachute.

“Adam, do you ever laugh at anything other than one of us having a hard time?” F/N bantered, intending to sound annoyed, yet her shaky voice ruined that impression.

_“No, because nothing else is as funny.”_

_“Focus on landing without breaking your necks, you crazy idiots,”_ the Captain interrupted. He could also opt to speak to only one of them in particular, and the next thing he said was very likely addressed to F/N only, which she couldn’t help but appreciate.

_“Steer slightly to the left, bend your knees and tuck your chin in. You remember how I taught you to land?”_

She swallowed, doing precisely as he instructed. F/N trusted him and she also trusted herself to do a decent job, but the ground inching closer didn’t fail to make her nervous. “Yes. Five steps.”

_“Say them to me.”_

“Balls of the feet, side of the calf, side of the thigh, side of the hip, side of the back.”

_“Good. Now take a deep breath and do just that,”_ Levi said, a second before F/N’s feet touched the ground. She followed her Captain’s directions religiously, tumbling a little bit less graciously than what was ideal, but ending up unharmed regardless. Her teammates and Captain reached solid ground as well, and F/N breathed a sigh of relief – that wasn’t _too_ bad, but she wasn’t keen on redoing it all too soon either.

“You’re a heinous sadist, you know that?” F/N halfheartedly reprimanded Anya, who simply chuckled to herself and offered her a light pat on the head.

“Cap, you gotta teach the princess how to swear. Y’all don’t pay me enough to spend money on a dictionary,” the brunette addressed Levi instead, to which the Captain snorted. If only they knew.

F/N opted to cease the bickering, however, her gaze captured by the tiny, dark opening in the ground that looked like nothing more than a small animal’s burrow. The scenery was wholly bare, almost desert landscape altogether, which was surprising to an extent. Levi had told her that Paradisian territory used to be largely green and vibrant. It was depressing to see the sheer amount of deforestation that must have happened under Jaegerist rule, and she couldn’t imagine how the Captain felt seeing it so barren, after such a long time.

The operation involved three different squads parachuting to three different locations where signals couldn’t be intercepted, and infiltrating Paradise Island using three routes. Theirs involved a secret Underground tunnel, which was built and used by the dissident forces residing in Captain Levi’s former home. It was fitting for them to take this itinerary, since Levi likely still knew the Underground like the back of his hand.

Levi’s squad’s mission was simple enough in theory – make it to the Underground location the Queen had indicated while ensuring the tunnel was safe from Jaegerist, Starkan or dissident traitors’ hands. Levi’s brats, led by Jean, would create a diversion in the Capital, allowing the team led by Hange, consisting of Reiner, Annie, Pieck and two IT specialists from Hizuru to infiltrate the Jaegerist HQ and provide means that their double agents could use to facilitate their communication. This would also ensure that Historia could safely meet Levi for a few minutes, while the rest of his squad guarded the perimeter.

It was definitely easier said than done, but all they could do was move along with the plan until they were forced to resort to other measures.

Adam got started on working the hidden machinery that would widen the entrance to the tunnel, while the rest of them carefully monitored their surroundings. It was a dead zone, but anyone would be stupid to assume it wasn’t supervised at all. They had to watch out for drones, and even actual soldiers patrolling.

“I see something,” Joey said after a while, his eyes squinting to identify whatever was moving in the distance. F/N and Anya quickly glanced in the direction he pointed, and both of them clicked their tongues at the same time, dragging Joey into a crouched position on the ground.

F/N may have not parachuted before like a field medic was required to do, but she could recognize surveillance and recon devices anywhere. That was a drone.

“Adam, hurry up!” Levi ordered, squatting to the ground as well.

“I’m almost finished.”

“We don’t have that long, pops!” Anya hissed.

As if on cue, the door opened and they wasted no time rushing inside. Adam immediately shut it right back, and the five of them spent a few seconds in complete silence, after which Adam, Anya and F/N sighed in relief.

“What? Is it gone?” whispered Joey.

“Likely not, but we weren’t seen,” F/N explained. “That was an alarm type drone, meant for vulnerable spots such as this. As soon as it identifies a threat, it rings an alarm and troops are dispatched immediately.”

“Oh. Shouldn’t it be silent though? I mean, what’s the point of letting the enemy know they’ve been caught if you’re sending troops to take them by surprise?”

“It’s meant to discourage the enemy and make them flee, not take them by surprise,” said Anya, while she turned her flashlight on. “This area is a liability, not an asset. They can only process low-quality images from this area, so they wouldn’t know the full extent of what they could be dealing with. They don’t _actually_ want to fight here.”

Levi then took the lead, pointing his flashlight around and inspecting the surprisingly large tunnel. It smelled stale, unused, and lacked the attention to detail that Starkans normally treated their infrastructure with. The walls were earthy and dry, the floor full of bumps and holes which likely housed insects, maybe even serpents. It definitely didn’t look like something the renegades’ nation had gotten their hands on, at first glance.

Their task wasn’t to take just one glance, though.

“F/N, Adam, up to you now,” Levi offered them their cue. The two of them were best suited for this part of the mission requirements, while Anya and Joey had been tasked with providing combat and medical backup in case it was needed later on. F/N shared a nod with the engineer, and they took the lead.

It was thorough, painstaking work, and F/N lost even the concept of time. They were probably there for hours, searching every single dip and crevice for devices, hidden chambers or connected corridors that failed to appear on the map transmitted to them by their Paradisian allies.

F/N was knocking on one earthy wall, checking for empty sounds or trapdoors, when her peripherals caught movement. Her E/C orbs immediately darted towards the source, locking with the glimmering eyes of a snake. The reptile’s head had risen off the ground, body forming a threatening S shape. She approached cautiously, the muscles in her arm tensing in preparation.

“Oi, F/N, get the hell away from that. It could be poisonous,” Levi called out to her, but F/N ignored him, doing the complete opposite. He was right; the snake was, in fact, highly poisonous if she recognized it correctly. She darted towards the animal, making it jump to attack her, and gambled on being capable enough to catch its head in her fist, simultaneously avoiding its dangerous mouth. F/N quickly unsheathed her knife, slicing the snake open lengthways to expose the entirety of its innards. She set to examining it meticulously, particularly in the eyes and tail regions.

“Sometimes they install audio or video equipment inside animals,” she explained to Levi. Sighing in remorse for killing the animal once she found nothing inside it, F/N placed her knife back in its place and got back to work.

“…Fucking hell.”

* * *

Tap. Tap. Tap.

_Click_.

F/N drew back, surprise and disappointment washing over her at the same time. There was definitely something there, when it shouldn’t be. Of course, there had to be something. They couldn’t have it easy.

“Careful,” the Captain said, after which he informed the other teams that they were stopping to inspect the suspiciously solid path of earth F/N had identified. When he was given the okay via earpiece, Levi nodded her way.

She _was_ careful, and Anya had her shotgun pointed at the floor. As expected, when her hands buried themselves in there, her fingers wrapped around a metallic lever. She shared a glance with her teammates, and pulled.

All four of them reached out to grab her, yet F/N had to swallow her yelp when she fell straight through the resulting hole, activating her maneuvering gear. Her breathing quickened as she levitated in the air, squinting towards the darkness beneath.

“F/N! Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she called back, but ended up gasping when the trapdoor above moved itself back into place before her teammates or Captain could do anything about it, leaving her in complete obscurity. F/N heard them cursing, meaning that they were unable to reopen it.

_“Adam’s on it,”_ Levi interjected. _“But he says the trapdoor has a timer and it may take a while to open it again. Can you see anything in there?”_

“I dropped my flashlight when I fell through,” F/N groaned, trying to identify something, anything. All she could see, though, were pixelated dots scattered in a wide expanse of blackness. Suddenly, she heard her flashlight hitting the ground somewhere beneath. She winced – it was a long fall, she would have died had she not been fully equipped.

_“F/N, I’ll get you out in a minute, but hold your breath,”_ F/N heard Adam’s voice in her ear, and she gasped in confusion at his request.

“H-Huh?”

_“The timer is set for five minutes. That’s enough time to die from smoke inhalation, or possibly another type of poison.”_

As if on cue, the young woman heard a _whoosh_ beneath her, and she quickly took the biggest breath she could muster. Within a few seconds, the surrounding smoke was making her eyes water. Her heart beat erratically in her chest, despite her best efforts not to panic – it was a difficult task to accomplish when being surrounded by darkness and lethal fumes, with the locked trapdoor looming above her like a curse.

F/N could hear their muffled yelling overhead, but she focused on closing her eyes, holding her breath and keeping herself upright with her gear. Adam said he’d get her out. She was going to be fine. She was going to be fine.

_“Move up, now!”_ Levi bellowed in her ear. Without opening her eyes, F/N did as he said, flying through the open door and she would have flown to the ceiling if Anya and Levi had failed to grab her and pull her down. The Captain quickly removed her helmet and she coughed violently, her eyes burning.

Joey kneeled in front of her, asking her to open her mouth and gently coaxing her bloodshot eyes open. After a quick examination, he sighed in relief. “It was smoke, like you said, Adam. Luckily it’s not poison, so she’ll be okay in a few minutes since she inhaled only a little of it.”

Levi’s shoulders slumped, and it was only then that he realized, not without trepidation, that he’d been shaking the entire time.

Adam grunted. “It’s an easy, cheap trap. They’re probably using the smoke generated by one of the factories down there.”

“So that’s it? The whole fucking tunnel is compromised?” Anya inquired agitatedly while helping F/N to her feet.

“Hmm. I don’t think so,” the engineer countered, still inspecting the trapdoor. “Indeed, it was not on the map, but neither were the poisonous snakes which aren’t native to this region. These are all cheap traps, but they’re placed cleverly in the sense that only someone with a very keen eye, who’s meticulously looking for them, will actually fall into them.”

Levi clicked his tongue. “In other words, they’re traps made for Starkans.”

It did make sense – they had been unable to inform Historia or the double agents working within the Jaegerist ranks that they were bringing four Starkans with them, and although it hurt his pride a little bit, Levi had to admit he wouldn’t have set foot near a serpent or been particularly interested in that seemingly unassuming patch of ground.

He sighed, turning his earpiece back on. “False alarm. We’re continuing the operation as planned. I estimate we’ll reach our destination in one hour.”

_“Copy that. We’ve parachuted safely. Preparing the tactical diversion,”_ Jean’s voice echoed back.

_“Copy. We’re onboard. Ready to parachute at the signal,”_ said Hange.

Levi nodded towards his subordinates, his eyes resting on F/N enough for him to confirm to himself that she was, indeed, in good shape.

“Let’s continue on.”

* * *

They reached an opening similar to the one on the other side, which, as per the map, would lead them into an abandoned building. Since a military operation was not the place to be prudish, none of them complained whilst removing their equipment and changing into the clothes they carried into their hefty backpacks. Since the new ODMG was so easy to maneuver, they were able to fold it into a compacted shape, making it fit inside the backpacks; all of their weapons remained hidden beneath their modest attire and, within minutes, they essentially looked the part: a group of homeless beggars who carried their entire fortune on their backs.

Even though her features were largely hidden underneath the shabby veil she was wearing, F/N’s eyes couldn’t help but widen at the destitution around her. This entire so-called ‘city’ was nothing but a large ruin, reeking of staleness, filth and disease. The wide ceiling above did a horribly poor job at mimicking the real sky, and the more they advanced into the more populated streets, the harder it was to keep looking at the sheer poverty around her; malnourished, sick individuals lying limp on the side of the road, nearly empty taverns, threatening people looking left and right as if searching for their next prey.

Levi had told her about it, yes, but nothing compared to seeing it with her own eyes. She felt sick to her stomach. How did he even manage to live down here for two decades of his life? Why was a human dump like this allowed to exist in the first place?

“I don’t see any children around,” Anya quietly commented.

Levi nodded. “It’s as much as the Queen managed to achieve before the fuckwits seized control. All the children without caregivers or those who live in households that are unable to provide the bare minimum are taken into orphanages financed by the state.”

“Are the parents allowed to visit them?”

The Captain’s expression turned bitter. “Tch. Not unless they have citizenship or a permit to go above, which are both expensive as fuck to get. We were working on it, but the pieces of shit apparently block that law project any chance they get to prevent traffic between the Underground and the Capital. They’re not stupid, they know there’s a growing dissident force down here.”

His already hushed voice retreated into the background as F/N slowed her stride to gaze down at an old man. He was scarcely dressed, the strain of malnutrition visible, and he was staring straight above him with an empty expression as his body shook. It was as if he were already dead inside, although his body still had possibly a few minutes before it could follow.

Her heart broke. She knew there was nothing that could be done to save him at that point, but the young woman couldn’t bear seeing someone dying in such pain, such loneliness, without someone even paying him a second glance. She knew _of_ misfortunes like this, but this was the first time F/N was seeing them in all their raw, twisting nature.

She forgot about the mission for a moment, kneeling beside the man even as Adam hissed at her behind his shoulder to catch up. The man’s bloodshot, once green eyes met hers and F/N was momentarily at a loss of what to say.

“I-I don’t have anything for you, young lady,” he choked, sounding almost saddened that he had nothing that she could take from him after his death. “I-If you’d met me a few years ago…”

A rattling cough interrupted him, and F/N flinched. “What did you do a few years ago?”

He tried to smile in remembrance. “Ah… I was good, you know? Mighty good. Stole so much from the Military Police I could’ve built a palace if I kept all that sugar. B-But not everyone here is a good thief, you know, young lady? Some poor souls can only survive on p-pity.”

She felt the prick of tears behind her eyelids. “You stole so you could help others? You didn’t save the money to buy your citizenship?”

He chuckled at her. “Down here, up there… You still suffer. Poor, rich, you still suffer. D-Don’t think that someone living in a mansion has it easier than you… They’re dealing with things you’ll probably never have to deal with, just like they’ll probably never deal with hunger. We’re… we’re all the same. A-All we can do to make it less painful is help each other live with it, no matter where we are in this life… so we have something nice to think about when we die.”

F/N’s throat choked up – little did he know, his words struck deeper than he could ever imagine. Little did he know, in his dying moments, he gave her a new perspective on life, on her own experiences. It was marvelous in itself, how much of an impact a single person could make in the world, regardless of the recognition or lack thereof they received for it.

“What is your name?” she asked.

Speaking was becoming a struggle for him, she could tell.

“J-Jon.”

F/N held his filthy hand in hers, giving it a heartfelt squeeze. “I’ll remember you, Jon. You don’t have to die alone.”

He closed his eyes, unable to reply, but in his last moments he channeled his remaining strength to offer a weak grip in return. Within seconds, he stopped breathing.

She heaved a long sigh, jolting when she felt a hand resting on her shoulder. F/N met Levi’s gaze, his grey eyes so expressive in that moment that she couldn’t even try to guess what he was feeling or how long he’d been behind her.

“Come on. We have to keep going,” the Captain said softly. F/N nodded, accepting his hand as he pulled her to her feet and reluctantly disentangling her fingers from Jon’s, a bit more forcefully than she would have wanted due to rigor mortis.

Her teammates stayed silent for once, and she was thankful. She pulled herself together during the remainder of their itinerary, and once Levi motioned for them to disperse, F/N knew exactly what she was supposed to do.

They spread out, taking different routes that they’d memorized by heart and that led to the same place – a former Wall Cult church, now abandoned and mostly used as a shelter by homeless people. Since the building was one of the largest that one could find in the Underground, it was simultaneously an optimal place to conceal one’s presence, as well as a location most would consider too obvious to use.

F/N entered through the wing assigned to her, climbed the spiral staircase leading to the third floor, confirmed that she made it safely through her earpiece, and then she waited. One by one, her teammates mirrored her actions.

Levi took longer to give them his confirmation and, once he did, the booming noise of an explosion resonated even from above the Underground’s ceiling. The plan was now fully in motion.

Before the Captain completely turned his earpiece off, they only heard one more word from him.

_“Historia.”_


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's on giving you lovely guys some good stuff before online exams finally kill me. Lol I'm exaggerating but not by much - I shall write these words in stone right here, when I finish my studies and become a uni prof, my future students have full authority to hang me if I ever do to them what these madmen are doing to me right now. 5 exams in a week, write me a 10 page Word doc about something I didn't teach bc I'm just as new to online classes as you, but make sure not to use ANY of the class materials while you're at it cause that's cheating. If I'm alive next Sunday I'll give all of y'all a round of shots.  
> Rant over, now on a more positive note - I know AOT tumblr is a little bit more dead than other fandoms, but if ANY of you wonderful people wanna be friends or maybe send in a request or two once my exam season is dead and buried, please feel free to hit me up! Same username as on AO3 and just as happy to make all of you my fwends :)  
> Now, without any further ado, I hope you enjoy this one! I for sure loved writing it! :D

“Captain Levi,” Historia acknowledged him in return, the relief on her face betraying her apparent composure. She wore a disguise similar to his, as well as a dark green sling where Levi could see a protruding little tuft of brown hair. Upon approaching her, the Captain realized the child was awake, big blue eyes curiously staring at him. His heart clenched – he couldn’t help his relief at seeing that, besides the brown hair and tanned skin, the boy had his mother’s eyes. Levi didn’t want to think about what it would have been like to gaze into painfully familiar pools of emerald instead.

“He seems well-behaved for a one year old,” Levi commented. Historia offered a sad smile.

“He knows to be quiet when we come down here. I hated every second it took to teach him that, but I can’t leave him in the castle.”

The brunet nodded in understanding. That child represented the greatest leverage the Jaegerists had against the Queen, therefore the last thing she wanted was to leave him unsupervised for even one second. He hadn’t forgotten Historia’s efforts to prevent the Jaegerists’ ascension to power after the Rumbling, nor her ongoing battle with the enemy in her own home, nor the sheer betrayal she’d felt upon realizing Eren’s true intentions. Levi figured that, besides Mikasa and Armin, Historia must have been affected the most, given the fact she was carrying his child. He’d offered himself for that role to spare her from becoming a tool, a royal baby maker – he’d failed to mention he was going to become a painful memory for the rest of her life.

“How are you feeling?” Levi found it in himself to ask. The Queen was a bit of a soft spot for him, since a part of him couldn’t help but feel guilty for her suffering; Levi was the one who forced her to take this role, and her current situation was something he’d never wanted for her, or anyone he cared about for that matter.

She sighed. “To quote a great classic… shitty.”

Levi snorted, a humorless smirk appearing on his face at her attempted humor. He gave her a meaningful look. “He’ll be safe. I promise you that.”

The Queen’s eyes glassed over and she breathed out a pained laugh. “You know what it’s like to lose things you hold dear, over and over again, until you expect yourself to become numb to it?”

The brunet eyed her compassionately, his own heart aching at her words. He knew that feeling well enough indeed.

“…Yeah.”

Historia gazed down at her son, unable to hold her tears back any longer or keep her voice from wavering. “B-But then something, someone comes along, and despite everything you’ve been through, you a-absolutely fucking _don’t_ want to lose them?”

Levi’s reply died in his throat, as her second question winded him. Not because he was at a loss.

Because his mind’s very first response was to conjure a picture of F/N’s smiling face.

Historia wiped her tears with the back of her hand, sighing at his silence. “You don’t, I guess. You’ve always done what needed to be done without putting your own feelings first. I, on the other hand, have never been able to.”

“…I _do_ know,” Levi said, so quietly that Historia almost didn’t hear him. She met his gaze, surprised.

“I’ve put my feelings first my whole damn life, and it never saved anyone,” he continued. “That’s what makes it so fucking terrifying. Whether you give in or run away, it doesn’t make it any less painful, does it?”

The Queen hummed, glancing above her when another explosion rattled from the Capital. She gently rocked the toddler in her arms. “Looking back… what would you rather do, Captain? Stay uncaring and skip the pain, or do it the same way all over again?”

Levi bit the inside of his cheek, thinking her inquiry over deeply. They didn’t have much time left, but somehow it felt like this conversation was desperately needed by both of them.

He thought of his mother. Farlan, Isabel. His first squad. Petra. Kenny. Sasha. Erwin. Eren.

He heaved a shaken sigh. “…I’d do it all over again.”

Historia gave him a smile through her tears. “I guess we’re not as different as I thought, Captain.”

Levi didn’t verbally bring it to her attention, but the Queen didn’t need him to. She hugged her child close to her chest, her tears getting lost in his dark brown tresses. He let her say goodbye, and when Historia reluctantly handed her son over to him, Levi did something that surprised even himself.

He pulled her into a comforting embrace, the child cooing between them.

“I promise. You won’t lose him,” Levi reiterated. Historia allowed herself a choked sob into his chest, nodding into his crumpled clothing. When she drew back, she gave the child one last kiss on top of his head and then bravely met the Captain’s gaze.

“I have an order for you, as your Queen.”

“What is it?”

She gave his arm a squeeze. “Whoever they are, don’t lose them either.”

Levi breathed in sharply. He could have given her a nod, a simple sound of acknowledgment, but deep down he knew he wouldn’t have meant it. He needed to say it, as frightening and difficult as it was.

“…I won’t.”

* * *

F/N fidgeted in her spot, the rumbling explosions making her more and more uneasy as time passed. Her job was simple – stay put and observe her surroundings through the dirty window. If something went wrong, no doubt someone would inform her through radio station.

And yet, there was a gnawing feeling in the pit in her stomach that refused to leave her alone. It wasn’t fear or apprehension this time; it was her instinct telling her that this was much, much too _easy_. Perhaps she was still thinking in terms of what the Starkans would do in the current situation, but it was still difficult to believe the Jaegerists were moronic enough not to send scouts to the Underground whilst the Capital was presumably being bombed, especially since they were well aware of the dissident force residing down there. There was, however, no trace of Jaegerist soldiers outside, making her increasingly suspicious.

It was a big risk and objectively stupid, but F/N left her position and cautiously descended down the stairs, intending to check the inner rooms of the church. They’d presumably ensured there was no one there before their arrival and their positions would have allowed them to see individuals coming in from all sides, but they couldn’t be sure; there might be chambers or corridors they were unaware of.

She grasped the handle of a door, yet froze when she heard an unfamiliar, booming voice inside. F/N bit her lip, unsure of whether or not to try and transmit her position via earpiece – if the enemy got in, who knew what kind of devices they installed along the way?

It was a split second decision and she hoped it was the best one.

F/N opened the door, one hand ready to aim the gun hidden beneath her cloak at whoever was inside. However, she was left stunned at the sight, fingers freezing on the concealed weapon.

She’d only ever seen him in pictures, but no other than the Scouting Legion’s current Commander, Floch Forster, was gripping Joey by the collar and pointing a gun at his head.

“I asked you a question, you piece of shit!”

F/N met Joey’s desperate stare, and she inwardly cursed. He’d probably been cornered, unable to send out a call of help in fear of compromising all of them. What was worse, Joey’s knowledge of the Eldian language was lamentably basic and he couldn’t pass for a local to save his life, so he couldn’t have thrown Floch off even if he tried. She had to do something clever, and she had to do it quickly.

She fell to the floor and crawled towards them, gun forgotten.

“Good sir… Do you have some bread?”

Floch, who’d been too focused on her teammate to notice her until then, dropped him to the ground in surprise. He stared down at her in disgust and kicked her in the side.

“Did you see anyone coming in here, you worthless garbage?”

F/N exaggerated her cry of pain and glued herself to his leg. “We’re hungry, sir. Some bread, please? Some bread?”

The Jaegerist Commander shook her off and growled in frustration, his eyes flitting from Joey to F/N with murderous anger. He stormed off, turning his earpiece on and barking out orders.

“Focus on deactivating the bombs above! Find the infiltrators and bring them to me dead or alive, I don’t care! And get Baal on the line immediately!”

F/N carefully followed Floch until she saw him leave the building with her own eyes, after which she rushed back to Joey.

“Are you okay??” she asked worriedly, sighing in relief when her teammate nodded, even though he was still winded. That was a bloody close call.

“You saved my ass there,” he breathed shakenly. F/N placed a hand on his shoulder, finally deciding to turn her earpiece back on; interceptors or not, it didn’t matter anymore.

“Forster was in the building and he ordered his soldiers to contact Baal. We have to move out!” she exclaimed through her microphone.

_“Floch was in the building_ alone _?”_ came Levi’s unexpected reply. F/N furrowed her brows in confusion, sharing a glance with Joey.

“Yes.”

_“Shit. All of you, gear up and get the hell out,_ now _!”_ his voice bellowed in their ears. They scrambled to follow his order, relinquishing all other equipment except the weapons they had on them, their helmets and the ODMG they quickly attached to their bodies. F/N and Joey leapt through the window, catching Adam and Anya doing the same on the adjacent side. They caught no glimpse of their Captain as they flew away from the church, but they had no time to, either – before long, the entire construction blew up, sending them hurdling through the air and destroying everything within a twenty meter radius. A series of other buildings exploded as well in the distance – a precautionary measure, by the looks of it, which must have killed dozens of Underground residents within seconds.

They regrouped and the Captain joined them, taking the lead and holding a bundle tightly in his arms.

“What about the Queen?” Adam asked.

“She’s safe. Focus on getting back to the aircraft. The other squads are retreating as well.”

F/N was expecting to be bombarded with gunfire from down below at any moment, yet she was left gasping when they flew above a number of soldiers wearing the Military Police crest, and they merely straightened their backs and saluted them. The resistant movement in Paradise Island was greater than she’d initially thought.

They returned to the tunnel, this time flying at top speed towards the other side. Levi turned around in the air to look at all of them, and they all gaped once they realized the bundle in his arms was a child; they hadn’t been briefed on that detail.

“The others are already on the airship, we’re the last squad to retreat,” he explained. “Onyakopon is leading the Jaegerists away from the tunnel, but once we fly out, we’ll fly straight into an ambush.”

Levi then maneuvered himself closer to F/N and her breath hitched when he handed the child over to her; looking down at his face, the poor thing was wide-eyed, yet not a single sound escaped him.

“Anya and I will engage the shooters; they can’t use their version of the ODMG in barren territory, so they’ll be firing from the ground. That makes us live game.”

Anya nodded, shotgun at the ready.

“You two, flank F/N and don’t let anything even graze that kid. Understood?”

“Yes, sir!”

True to Levi’s word, when they flew into the sunlight, they were greeted with the same empty landscape. However, as the Captain led them towards the massive airship towering in the air, the sounds of gunshots began to boom in their ears; their comrades were firing down from the aircraft in retaliation, but there was only a matter of time before the Jaegerists’ war planes would arrive at the scene.

“Now!”

F/N barely saw Levi and Anya whooshing through the air, firing at their enemies with astounding accuracy. She made it her mission to reach the open door of the aircraft with Adam and Joey by her side, and she whirled around in the air so that her back took the brunt of the impact once she crashed into the aircraft’s inner wall. She sank to the floor, breathing heavily and staring from Joey to Adam to Levi and Anya once they finally made it as well.

“Go!” Hange yelled, and Onyakopon didn’t need any more cues to pilot the aircraft away from the ambush. The war planes were already visible in the distance.

“What are we gonna do about those?” Anya inquired. “There’s too many of them, and they don’t look like they’ll stop following us.”

“Those planes there represent two thirds of their aerial arsenal,” Jean replied bitterly, holding a half-conscious Connie upright – it seemed they didn’t get away without injury. “It seems Baal was too busy to answer Floch’s call. He’s never been a particularly brilliant strategist, but it’s a good occasion for us to destroy any means they might have to counterattack Marley all too soon.”

Before anyone had the chance to ask what that meant, Armin unexpectedly opened the doors and jumped out of the aircraft. F/N gasped, rising to her feet and rushing to the windows only to be blinded by lightning, and the menacing form of the Colossal Titan that followed.

Armin swatted the war planes like flies, and those who managed to evade his massive hands were sent crashing to the ground by a powerful emission of steam. It was like Jean said – two thirds of their arsenal, gone just like that.

The chaos didn’t end, however, once Armin returned victorious. Everyone scattered around the airship, Joey rushing to give medical aid to Connie and another woman who hadn’t been there at the beginning of the mission, whilst the others gathered around F/N – actually, around the toddler in her arms. They were, in fact, so rambunctious that Levi had to yell at them to settle the fuck down, and only then were they able to finally breathe and realize that, overall, the operation had been a resounding success.

* * *

“I thought you wouldn’t come,” F/N said softly, her teaspoon clinking against the teacup. She was all alone in the empty kitchen, the kettle lying abandoned on the stovetop yet still half full – the young woman had indeed expected Levi to skip their nightly reunion this one time, but she’d made enough tea just in case.

“Why is that?” the Captain asked. He poured himself a cup and took a seat in front of her; the small table was normally reserved for the soldiers assigned to kitchen duty, but they’d made it their own during the past months.

She shrugged her shoulders lightly. “It’s been hectic, dealing with the aftermath. There’s the Queen’s son, the double agent Hange’s squad rescued from Paradise Island, the news of the casualties… and I imagine a lot of paperwork for you.”

Levi hummed. “And yet you made enough tea.”

“I did.”

They fell into a long silence, during which F/N’s eyes rested on his features. She saw the exhaustion, the strain, the feeling of a heavy weight on his shoulders, as well as something else. Something she couldn’t quite pinpoint with accuracy, but tumultuous nonetheless; as if he were waging war against his own self.

Before she could wonder whether it was appropriate or not, her hand reached out to cover his. Levi met her gaze questioningly, but he didn’t pull away.

“What’s bothering you?”

His face looked conflicted for a few seconds, but eventually Levi breathed out a long sigh. “…That old man. Jon. He had an impact on you, didn’t he? Made you see certain things in a new light.”

F/N blinked in surprise at his choice of words, her heart constricting in a bittersweet way at the cherished memory. “Right.”

The Captain averted his gaze. “I… had a moment like that too.”

She didn’t have a reply at the ready for him just yet and didn’t want to coerce him into elaborating as long as he didn’t want to. Instead, F/N settled on comfortingly brushing her thumb against his knuckles, a silent message that he didn’t have to bear that weight alone.

“…Is there anything positive you can take from it?”

When Levi looked at her then, it felt like he was staring into her soul. And he stared long and hard, until F/N involuntarily cocked her head under his scrutiny.

“Why am I so fixated on cleanliness?” the Captain asked instead, bewildering her. “I’m not stupid, I know I lived in filth as a child, but I dealt with a lot of other shit without developing obsessions. There’s more to it than just that, but I can’t figure it out. Can you tell me?”

She took a moment to shake her bafflement off before answering. “I… can help you find out yourself.”

“Go on then.”

F/N sighed. This wasn’t going to be fun. “Think of death. What are the first things that come to mind?”

“Blood. Grime. Dirt. Decomposition.”

“And how do you feel when someone you love dies?”

“Helpless. Useless. Abandoned. All the feelings that I hate.”

She squeezed his hand. “What’s the only thing associated with death that you can control, Levi?”

The breath predictably left his lungs once realization struck him, and all F/N could do was keep holding his hand whilst he processed it. It was nowhere near easy, especially for someone like him, who’d spent so much time and effort deluding his own self into thinking that he _could_ accept death, that he _could_ live his life without regretting his choices, when in fact the wounds were as open and bleeding as ever.

When he finally spoke, his tone was so vulnerable that F/N wanted to wrap him up in a soft blanket and take him somewhere far, far away from this hell.

“H-How… do I get over that?”

“You accept – _really_ accept – that you hold no control whatsoever over death, Levi. That death is a part of life itself, not a curse or a burden for you to bear.”

He swallowed stiffly, the tendons in his neck straining with the movement; he was holding back tears.

“And how does that work when you have something you absolutely fucking don’t want to lose?”

F/N leaned over the table, raising his chin enough for his eyes to glimpse the tender smile on her face. “You don’t think about them as something to lose, first of all. You think of them as someone you love. And you give that love everything you’ve got, so that when death comes along, you _truly_ are left with no regrets.”

He leaned into her touch, mulling over her words. It was so dangerously intimate, but F/N gave in to the urge to caress his cheek, and somehow neither of them dared to think of it as wrong or untoward. Levi’s inner battle resulted in him bravely demolishing his walls, at least for those brief moments, and his hand rose to grasp hers as she wiped his tears away.

“If only you were so wise when it comes to your own self.”

She chuckled lightly, her eyes brimming with affection. “It’s always easier when it’s someone else. Luckily for me, you’ve been around to help with that.”

His hold on her hand tightened, and he pressed the lightest, softest kiss to her palm. “I don’t see how you can find such comfort in me. I’ve never been good at it… I usually break bones and hurt people’s feelings.”

F/N couldn’t help herself any longer; her heart couldn’t bear seeing him so broken, so blind to his own light. She rose from her chair and sat in his lap, her arms wrapping around his shoulders and pulling his head into the crook of her neck. Levi sighed at the contact, burying his face in her warm flesh and instinctively clinging to her like the unknowingly starved man he truly was.

“You do so much more than that. Do you not see all these people who look up to you, whom you’ve kept grounded and you’ve guided for so many years? All the people who genuinely want you to be happy? So much so that they’ll celebrate by chugging wine first thing in the morning just because you had fun for once?”

He snorted in slight amusement at her obvious reference to Hange, but his chest churned nonetheless.

“Do you think they would do it if you were only good at beating people up and making snarky comments? No. It’s because of your compassion, because of how much you care about every single one of them, because you’d fight the war on your own if you could, just to spare them from it. You’re so much more than a soldier, Levi, and you’re the only one who doesn’t see it. I can only imagine how many more people could confirm this, if only they were still around.”

Her light pink nightshirt was damp and sticking to the skin of her chest, but F/N was glad he was letting himself feel. Her fingers carded through his hair and she didn’t complain about the slight ache in her side and back, where Levi’s hands were holding onto her like a lifeline.

“You deserve happiness,” she muttered into the top of his head, her own eyes pricking with unshed tears. Her heart bled for him so much that it hurt. “Whichever way you can get it in this cruel world.”

At that, Levi stiffened. He exhaled a ragged breath and drew back slightly, his tearful gaze meeting her own. F/N almost gasped when she saw his eyes – they’d morphed from stormy grey into the deepest blue.

“…The last person who said that to me died a day after I was too much of a coward to confess I was in love with her,” he spoke in a whisper. F/N’s gaze softened at his admission.

“You’ve been in love?”

Levi sighed. “Hit me like a ton of bricks. I was so deep in it that I couldn’t force myself to get away, but so terrified at the same time that I didn’t give back as much as I could – no, _should_ have.”

His tone was laced with regret. It was obviously something that still pained him, even after all these years.

“What was she like?”

“A fucking firecracker,” Levi replied instantly, not without fondness. “She never stopped talking, always had a smile and something nice to say to everyone, even if they were a piece of shit. That was until someone – usually one of my other former subordinates – got on her nerves and her temper came out. She was so childishly idealistic sometimes that I wondered what the hell she was doing in the Scouts, but then she’d go and slay six titans on a single expedition.”

F/N grinned. “She got you to crack, I take it?”

He snorted loudly in response. “Tch. No. _You_ got me to crack, and thank fuck I only met you after getting some of my shit together or I would have lost my damn mind. She was… accepting. She didn’t ask questions, she didn’t blame me for being distant and too scared to make whatever it was that we had official and I think she wanted to help me in some way, but she didn’t know how. So she just… took whatever I could bring myself to give, and returned it tenfold. I didn’t deserve her.”

“Y-“

“Let me finish,” Levi interrupted her before she could rebuff him. “She usually came into my room on nights before expeditions, and the very last time was no different. After we…” he hesitated, but F/N nodded patiently, understanding what he meant. “…She told me that she loved me, and that she didn’t need me to say it back; she said that she hoped she’d brought me at least a little bit of happiness and that I would continue to find more after she died, if she did. It was as if she _knew_ she was going to die, although she very obviously didn’t want to. And I couldn’t even say one damn sentence back to her.”

F/N grimaced as she watched him beating himself up, sighing when Levi finally fell silent. “It sounds to me like she already knew, without you having to verbalize it.”

The brunet eyed her hesitantly. “You think?”

She raised a playful brow. “Are you doubting me?”

“I wouldn’t dare,” Levi rolled his eyes, another weight seemingly falling off his shoulders.

“You gave all you had to give at the time. It’s unfair to reproach yourself for it just because you’d act differently _now_. And most importantly… do you really think she wanted to become a painful memory for you?”

That definitely struck a chord, his blue eyes brimming with emotion as they gazed into hers. “…No. Definitely not. There are plenty of other things she would have wanted.”

F/N gave him a gentle smile. “Like what?”

“Like this,” Levi lowered her face by her chin, his thumb stroking the corner of her mouth as his eyes sought permission. F/N’s breath hitched, and for one frightful moment she didn’t know what to do, she didn’t even feel his closeness, his soft caress; it was as if her body wanted to make itself blind to his touch, as well as his obvious intention.

But Levi’s calloused fingers were gentle, not forceful; his deep, blue hues filled with love, not selfish want. She was the one making the choice of whether or not to close the distance, and her heart knew exactly what it wanted to do.

So, like him, F/N decided to be brave, and she met his lips into the softest kiss.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO EVERYONE, I LIVE! Lol, barely. Two more exams this coming week and then I'll check my pulse fr haha. Hope you guys enjoy this one, and as always thank you all for sticking with me AND HITTING ME UP UWU I LOVE TALKING TO YOU LOVELY PEOPLE OK DON'T BE SHY <3 Have a great week, all of you!!

F/N dodged Anya’s punch, returning a kick of her own. Sometimes she forgot how impressive her improvement truly was, being now capable enough to engage in an actual spar with the brunette powerhouse. Anya really only ever broke a sweat when she sparred with Levi, Mikasa and Annie, but her friendly wrestling with F/N was a nice little occasion for them to chit chat without being around other people or exhausted at night.

“I’m getting worried about Adam lately,” F/N commented, sneaking a glance at the man in question, who was quietly going along with his own training. Adam normally was the least exuberant among them and he only ever felt in his element when he was working with Hange and his Hizuru counterparts on continuously improving their equipment or saving their asses during missions, but they’d gotten him to talk and laugh before. Lately, the engineer barely spent any time with them, retreating to his bunk as soon as the job was done for the day. He failed to find amusement in their occasional flounders like before and Joey had mentioned that whenever he tried to get something out of him in their shared room, Adam pretended to be asleep.

Anya grimaced slightly, blocking a hit. “It must be getting hard for him. We’ve been here for almost a full year after all, and he hasn’t been able to do anything about his kids.”

F/N sighed. Indeed, time had passed like a blur. Between her new, top-secret assignment, the minor military squabbles that only seemed to prove that each side of this war was trying to buy time, and her blossoming whatever-it-was with Levi, the young woman barely had time to even think about anything else.

After the Paradise Island operation, a lot of things changed. The squad that infiltrated the Jaegerist HQ returned not only with a rescued double agent, but with a folder that had been placed under the highest level of protection, apparently. The central goal of the operation initially was recovering the Queen’s son, Henry, in order to allow her to coordinate the dissidence without her child’s life being held over her head; instead, the recovered documents soon became their focus, as they were written in a language none of them knew, while also being heavily codified.

Since F/N was the only one who’d basically spent the better half of her life learning to decipher ancient knowledge in Starke’s hidden library, they’d had no choice but to leave it to her. It was much more difficult than she’d expected – granted, she had no advanced decoding equipment, no books or archives she could turn to, no masters who could offer their input, nothing but the knowledge she’d accumulated over the years. F/N was making progress, but it was slow.

And, while the fact that Paradise Island and Starke seemed to want the very same thing was concerning, Marley had no choice but to buy time as well, until they could process the information.

“I know they’ve been trying, but infiltrating Starke is almost impossible in itself, let alone getting into the black market,” F/N replied sadly. She didn’t want to say it aloud, but she doubted they’d ever manage to find Adam’s daughters.

“If it’s anything like I know it, his kids might not even be in Starke anymore. There were problems with human trafficking being used as means of commerce even before Baal. I can only imagine what it’s like now.”

“I don’t know what else we can do for him,” F/N lamented quietly. She’d tried everything she could think of to offer at least a semblance of comfort, a reassurance that they were all there for him. Adam just didn’t seem to respond to anything.

Anya put a stop to their sparring to place a hand on her shoulder. Her expression was sympathetic, but also pained, the scar on her chin rising as she pressed her lips together tightly.

“Losing a child is something you never get over, you know. All you can do is hold on until you learn to live with the pain.”

F/N gave her a deep, meaningful look. She’d never mentioned the scar on Anya’s lower belly, not once, but she didn’t need to. It was obviously a distressing experience and the young woman respected and cared for Anya too much to cause her pain by bringing it up.

“I’ll talk to him,” the brunette surprised her with those words. They were stiff, as if she’d had to fight to get them out, but then again Anya was as stubborn as they came. “It’s different for everyone, but I might be able to get through to him, I think.”

F/N smiled. For all her tough exterior and rough past, Anya was heartwarmingly compassionate towards those she held dear.

Much like someone else the former spy knew.

All of a sudden, F/N jolted when Anya released a loud snort.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. Look at him,” she gestured towards Levi, who was supervising the soldiers’ training with Henry sitting on his shoulders. F/N couldn’t help the silly grin exploding on her face – it had become a common sight, but it was still unbearably adorable.

“He’s been glued to that kid ever since we brought him here. You sure it’s not his?” Anya elbowed her, an obvious teasing edge to her tone. F/N rolled her eyes. Even though neither she nor Levi was particularly inclined to advertise their personal business to the whole world, they weren’t exactly secretive either. Gradually, their comrades began to suspect and then confirm their interest in one another, and they were all surprisingly accepting. No one had a problem with her officially being the Captain’s subordinate, or even with her background any longer. F/N had admittedly done more than enough to prove her loyalty, but it was still a relief; she remembered her first months there, how everyone except Gabi, Falco and her compatriots were heavily suspicious of her motives. She was glad those days were behind her now.

“I’m more concerned about the evolution of his vocabulary,” F/N said dryly, a bit of truth laced in her humor. Henry had had a hard time adapting to the lack of his mother’s presence at first, the only word he could say being ‘Mama’. He’d begun extending that repertoire, mostly with the help of the younger soldiers who doted on him 24/7, but since Levi was so protective of the kid as well, F/N sometimes wondered how he hadn’t blurted out a curse word yet.

Anya cackled, and F/N couldn’t help her own chuckles. That woman’s laugh was dangerously contagious.

“Ah, but princess, you’re here too, aren’t you? Our little prince is gonna leave Marley speaking five languages and publishing a world history tome.”

F/N rolled her eyes, although in all honesty that didn’t sound half bad – if only she had the time. She loved teaching children after all, and whenever she wasn’t swamped with work, she helped Falco and Gabi with their assignments or told them stories.

“Slacking off?”

The two women eyed Levi with barely concealed mirth. Neither of them considered him menacing in the first place, but the two year old tangling his little hands in his ebony locks and toothily grinning at them was not doing the Captain any favors.

Before F/N could cleverly utter a teasing remark, Anya opened her mouth.

“I think F/N is bored of me,” she said half-whiningly. “I’m not enough of a challenge anymore. She needs a better sparring partner.”

F/N’s brow twitched. A sly wench, Anya was.

“Ah, really?” Levi played along, just as aware of her game as F/N was. They’d made the mistake to spar together around the others before, and they weren’t too keen on doing it again; the wolf whistles had made even Levi turn crimson, despite his murderous glare. “Sounds to me like you’re getting rusty, Anya. I wonder if you should spend the whole day running the field to get back into shape?”

Anya visibly blanched, and F/N giggled behind her hand.

“Training’s over anyway,” Levi said more seriously, his gaze falling on F/N. “And I need to talk to you.”

She nodded, after which she launched a futile kick towards Anya’s bottom when the brunette whistled. Levi merely deadpanned, nothing showing on his face, until F/N finally blessed her teammate with the middle finger and came to walk by his side. He couldn’t help his smirk then – it had taken her a long time, but she’d finally come out of her shell.

The young woman didn’t think much of Levi’s silence until after they were outside the training field. She stuck her tongue out at Henry playfully, making him giggle, and then her curious gaze settled on Levi’s profile.

“So what is it?”

He raised a brow, meeting her eyes. “Hmm?”

“What did you want to talk to me about?”

“Nothing. I’ll drop Henry off with Mikasa, wait for you to shower and change and we’re going in town to have lunch,” he said offhandedly, as if it were the most obvious thing.

She gaped at him for a few moments. “What?! You know I have to work-“

He eyed her pointedly. “You’ve been cooped up in that room nonstop. You look like a ghost. I’m not taking no for an answer.”

F/N sighed, feeling somewhat guilty. He was right in a way – she hadn’t even shown up to their regular tea date lately, using her insomnia as a way to keep working during the night. She forgot to eat sometimes, losing weight as a consequence, and her sleep schedule was even worse than before. She was just so stressed about how long it was taking her to decipher those damn papers, becoming increasingly restless and impatient because of it.

“I’m sorry,” she muttered softly, placing her hand on his arm. “I didn’t mean to snap like that or ignore you for the past weeks. It’s sweet of you to take me out for lunch.”

Levi clicked his tongue at her, pulling her in unexpectedly and pressing a chaste kiss to her forehead, sweaty as it was, and a similar one to her lips. “Don’t apologize. I know it has to be done. Doesn’t mean you have to work yourself to death though.”

She was too flustered to reply straight away – one would think she’d get used to this affectionate side of him during the past months, but F/N was still left blushing whenever Levi surprised her with something like that. Maybe it was because she had never actually been treated that way in a romantic sense, but it was both exhilarating and annoying, how it left her speechless.

The Captain, on the other hand, found it impossibly cute and it showed in the smile that appeared on his features when he was met with her beetroot, pufferfish face. Lo and behold, the person who usually had an appropriate reply for everything, rendered a blushing mess. Little did she know, it was her adorable reactions to his advances that urged him to come out of his own shell and express affection towards her, as foreign and long forgotten as it had felt at first.

“Go on,” he urged her once they reached the bathrooms. “You have some clothes outside the stall. I’ll drop the brat off and wait for you outside.”

F/N cheerfully kissed Henry goodbye and she couldn’t wipe the smile off her face even as she washed off the grime of her training session. Levi could be so thoughtful, in his own way.

The outfit he put together for her was a bit more chic than a simple lunch date required in her opinion, but then again F/N bashfully had to remember that she didn’t spend her earnings on anything other than clothes. It was her only indulgence, much like Levi spent most of his money on tea blends; she never complained about missing the comforts she’d grown up with, but it felt nice to pamper herself a little bit whenever she had time off duty. Also, although it was objectively silly, since her nails had finally grown back, F/N felt much less out of place when she dressed like a normal woman outside of work.

It was a pastel pink colored dress that ended right above the knee, with a black ribbon accentuating the waistline. She giggled upon realizing that Levi had actually matched it with a pair of black flats and she took a few minutes to make sure her hair also looked presentable – it would be a shame to ruin Levi’s hard work, after all.

“You can take the noblewoman out of the castle, but you can’t take the nobility out of her,” the Captain said teasingly once she was ready to go, making F/N roll her eyes halfheartedly. He always liked to tease her about her aristocratic upbringing.

“You could have chosen to dress me in rags instead.”

“True. But you wouldn’t match my suit then.”

“Right,” she laughed. “So where are we going?”

Levi stiffened slightly, even as he offered his arm. She happily took it, having almost forgotten what it was like to stroll around town with him like an actual couple; she really did need a break.

“I had a place in mind, but we can go somewhere else if you’re uncomfortable with it.”

F/N’s brows furrowed for a moment, but then she caught his meaning. He wanted to go to the teashop where they first met. Neither of them had set foot there since that fateful day, and Levi was partially right – it didn’t hold pleasant memories, except for the simple fact that she’d met him there.

However, for F/N, that was enough.

“I’m fine with it, on one condition,” she smiled.

“What is it?”

“No cauliflower soup.”

Levi snorted. “As if I’d willingly eat that shit.”

She chuckled lightly, shaking her head. Always a charmer, from day one.

The shop was fairly close to the HQ as well, which was probably why Levi had frequented it before, so they didn’t have to walk for too long. Some people generally recognized the Captain on the street and gawked at seeing him in her company even now, while others lecherously eyed F/N like a piece of meat. They both ignored them masterfully.

As soon as they set foot inside, the Eldian lady who ran the shop clapped in delight.

“Oh, it’s wonderful to see you, my dear! You haven’t been here in so long, I was getting worried about you!”

Levi tried his best to ignore F/N’s shit-eating grin while greeting the shopkeeper, his pale cheeks welcoming a tinge of pink. In all honesty, he’d missed Matilda. He’d just needed time, in order to bring himself to return there – much like F/N.

“And I remember you,” Matilda eyed F/N knowingly. “My, my – it seems my special soup sparked something even more special, didn’t it?”

The young woman giggled politely, her nails sinking into Levi’s forearm as a warning. His mouth opened and promptly closed, what would have been an inappropriate remark dying in his throat.

“So what can I get for you lovebirds today?” Matilda asked cheerfully once they were seated at the table. “Tea and cauliflower soup for old times’ sake?”

“Absolutely n-“

“Actually, something different would be nice,” F/N spoke over Levi, even as amusement bubbled in her chest. She didn’t want to hurt the lady’s feelings regarding her food, but at the same time the disgust on his face was the most hilarious thing she’d ever laid eyes on.

They placed their order and F/N took that as her cue to finally break into a silent fit of laughter.

“I can’t help but notice that you never laugh as hard as you do when you’re laughing at _me_ ,” Levi said, his expression only slightly sour as he watched her try and fail to subdue her giggles.

“I-It’s that _scandalized_ expression on your face when something disgusts you,” F/N explained through mouthfuls of air. “That’s what gets me.”

Somehow, Levi was instantly taken back to that one time when he got seaweed tangled in his hair, and despite his best efforts to maintain a straight face, he unwillingly snorted out a chuckle.

“See? Not even you can help it.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, Captain, F/N!” another voice interrupted them, and they looked up to see Dalia Falsch, the double agent. F/N’s laughter instantly died down as the woman stopped by their table.

She was about F/N’s age, a petite woman with olive skin, wavy brown hair and light grey eyes. Her appearance wasn’t too common, which made for an aura of mysterious allure and F/N had believed her to be one of the most aesthetically pleasing people she’d ever laid eyes on from the very first time she met her. She was a cheerful and helpful girl, chattering nonstop and getting along with pretty much everyone despite being in a wholly new environment; she was also the one who’d given the Jaegerists false information during the Paradise Island operation in order to aid their mission, which had led to her being compromised and needing to be rescued from certain execution.

The main reason why F/N harbored a hidden dislike towards her was because she could practically touch Dalia’s carefully veiled contempt for her if she reached out, which F/N couldn’t exactly explain to herself and couldn’t bring up into discussion either, since it was so subtle that most people would consider her crazy. The second reason was that she was choosing to act upon her gradually developing crush on Levi despite their pretty clear involvement, which again only F/N seemed to notice. And the third reason was that F/N could _sense_ there was more to her than she wanted to let on.

“Am I interrupting something?”

_What does it look like?_

“Only our lunch break,” Levi replied dryly, and F/N inwardly applauded his characteristically sharp demeanor for once. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, I wanted to go somewhere outside the HQ to get lunch for once. I didn’t know it was allowed until today, and the food here smells lovely.”

The Captain raised a brow. “Unsupervised?”

Helpful or not, all new additions to their ranks, especially those who’d had, even as a pretense, another allegiance, required supervision for an amount of time before they were truly trusted to go about their own business by themselves. F/N and her teammates had received the exact same treatment.

Dalia looked confused for a moment, then sheepish. “…I need supervision even for lunch?”

“Yes, obviously,” F/N replied, using all her skill to imprint kindness into her tone. This was why she normally went out of her way to ignore this woman – she could see through her bullshit from miles away. The shrew was, in fact, well aware of the regulations, and F/N could swear by her blood that she was about to propose that she eat with them so they could provide the required supervision. She might have considered it had the girl actually asked them like a decent human being, but as it was, she was having none of it. “You should get back to HQ and return with a supervisor before they realize you went off on your own and get you in trouble.”

Dalia’s shoulders slumped, her mouth forming a pout. “I’m starving though, can’t I sit with you guys instead?”

And lo and behold, there it was. F/N genuinely wanted to scratch that girl’s eyeballs out – what in the fuck was her deal? And also, did she _really_ think she could outplay her so cheaply?

“I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but there’s no way we can tell HQ. They’ll be running around looking for you like the Easter egg hunt,” she retorted with a fake giggle and a benevolent smile. “You still have thirty minutes left and the HQ is close by.”

“ _I_ would have a problem with it,” Levi intervened, his tone much less pleasant. “I don’t want to spend the only lunch break I have providing supervision. You should have thought about the rules before wandering off like an idiot if you’re so hungry.”

Dalia couldn’t hide the sting of his words, while F/N suddenly wanted to kiss him. The brunette mumbled something affirmatively and saluted him before turning around and walking towards the exit.

“The HQ is seven minutes away,” Levi called after her. “If I find out it took you any longer than that to get there, we’re going to have a problem. Understood?”

“Yes, sir.”

The door shut, and the Captain exhaled an annoyed breath. He fixated F/N with a barbed stare.

“You’re too fucking nice.”

A coy smirk appeared on her face – if only he knew. She cocked her head at him playfully. “Am I now?”

“Yes. You could have just told her to piss off for being intrusive. You didn’t have to give her all that HQ bullshit.”

F/N’s eyes slightly widened in surprise – she hadn’t realized he’d seen through her like that, and backed her up in spite of it. Levi replied with a smirk of his own.

“What? You think I haven’t gotten to know you in the past year?”

She smiled, raising her hands in surrender. Maybe she’d been wrong, maybe there _was_ someone with whom she could talk about it. “I wasn’t being nice though.”

“Ah?”

“She knows I wasn’t being nice too, she’s not dumb. Honestly, it was my ego wanting to show her she can’t win even if we both play her game… but you were the cherry on the cake, I have to admit.”

Levi stared at her for a few moments, and then he released a loud snort. Thankfully, their food arrived as the perfect distraction.

“I can wrap my head around _you_ , but that mind game bullshit is beyond me.”

* * *

F/N had to bite off the silly grin from her face as she struggled futilely to grab the spatula off the countertop. Levi’s arms had locked around her firmly, and he didn’t seem inclined to let go anytime soon, his head comfortably buried in the crook of her neck. As proficient as she was when it came to reading people, F/N had to admit she hadn’t expected him to become such a love bug once time passed and they made some sense of what they’d gotten into. And yet again, just like every other surprise about him, it made sense and the young woman could relate to him on top of that – just like her, Levi was genuinely starved of affection, and it showed especially in instances like this, when their schedules failed to allow them to spend time together for a while.

To say that she wouldn’t mind his moment of clinginess was an understatement – however, the pancakes she was making for them had formed little air bubbles on the top and F/N didn’t want to serve him a burnt midnight snack.

“Levi.”

“Hmm?

“I need to turn these over.”

“Then turn them,” he shrugged, yet his hold tightened cheekily. F/N turned her head to raise her brows at him, the smiley pout on her face betraying how much she was actually enjoying the moment.

“It so happens that I can’t.”

“It so happens that I can help with that,” Levi replied, teasingly mocking her whilst his hand covered hers and effortlessly had her flipping the pancakes.

“Ah, my hero,” F/N giggled.

“I’m a fairytale personified.”

She burst out laughing, leaning back into his chest from the force of her amusement. “Am I dreaming, or have I brushed off on you?”

He didn’t reply, but his gaze softened tenderly. He’d not only missed her presence, which Levi hadn’t verbally expressed although it was obvious through his actions, but he’d missed the moments where he could see her so bubbly and carefree. Those moments where they could both forget about the war, about their individual demons that they were permanently battling, about their stress and duties.

It was a slow, but rewarding ride. They were taking baby steps, with Levi having to overcome his fears of being romantically involved again and F/N being so unaccustomed to the entirety of these dynamics. She’d never experienced an actual relationship, her youth so crammed with research and the politics led by her parents that she’d never had the opportunity to explore something like that. Her training ensured that she knew exactly how to seduce and please all types of men, yet that experience was no less impersonal, aggressive and traumatic than her affair with Baal.

Levi and F/N worked off each other beautifully, though. Since they shared a need for patience, they never pushed each other or craved for more than the other could give. She was gentle and supportive in their more intimate conversations, and Levi was particularly careful regarding physical contact, making sure she was comfortable before engaging in any form of it. This was a bit of a novelty for him – _he_ was used to being the one who needed to warm up to the concept and feeling of touch – but the brunet didn’t mind. He remembered all too well what it was like for him when he’d first had to become comfortable with the idea, and it only made it easier for him to understand F/N and make the experience enjoyable, not stressful.

“Open up,” her voice interrupted his brief moment of introspection, and Levi snapped out of his trance to see a spongy, syrupy piece of pancake coming closer to his mouth. He let her feed him and hummed in appreciation – her cooking involved a lot of treats that were unfamiliar to him, but most of them turned out to be delicious.

“There goes any chance of sleeping tonight, with all that sugar.”

F/N raised a brow, giggling when he opened his mouth expectantly, despite his comment. “Were you planning to sleep?”

“I was planning to get _you_ to sleep,” the Captain replied, his voice slightly muffled by the fluffy dessert in his mouth. He gave her a look once he swallowed. “You really should get some rest. You’re not going to decipher those damn papers any quicker if you’re constantly running on four hours of sleep.”

She sighed. “You know I can’t.”

“I was thinking that maybe I could help.”

F/N smiled affectionately, her fingers rising to card through his ebony locks whilst she pressed a loving kiss to his cheek. “That’s really thoughtful of you, Levi, thank you. But you don’t have to worry about me like this. I can handle it.”

“You didn’t even let me say what I wanted to do.”

“You’ve done more than enough for me today. Now stay put and at least let me give you food coma in return.”

Levi clicked his tongue, turning her around to face him fully. Her words sparked his annoyance, and it was clear in the pointed stare he served her. “How many times do I need to tell you that you don’t have to earn or repay anything when it comes to me?”

F/N bit her lip, instantly averting her gaze. In a way, it used to be so much easier back when Levi couldn’t read her like an open book, like he could now.

“I…”

“Nothing. I want to kill every single piece of shit who’s ever made you feel like you’re undeserving or your feelings don’t matter,” he cut her off, his tone impassioned. He pulled her in and wrapped his arms securely around her frame, as if hoping that he could protect her from the world that way. When he spoke again, he was much gentler. “But I can’t do that. So don’t feel like I’m doing you favors that you’re obligated to return. Fuck, I’d give you the moon if I could.”

F/N’s breath hitched, his unintentionally romantic declaration nearly bringing her to tears. She returned his embrace tightly, offering a small, affirmative whimper in reply. Her chest almost exploded with the love she felt for him, to the point where it clenched with a dull ache.

“What did you want to do?” F/N asked after a while, relaxing into the featherlike motions of his fingers up and down her back. It was always so soothing when he did that.

Levi hummed, and she felt the vibrations through his chest. “Would you like to spend the night in my room?”

The young woman drew back slightly at that, her E/C eyes widening in consternation. They had yet to cross that line, and although it had been a year and a part of F/N felt irrationally guilty for it, she was still unsure whether she felt ready for it or not.

“The reason why you can’t sleep has to do with what can happen in the dark while you’re unaware,” Levi began to elaborate. “So, given that I rarely sleep and I’m a light sleeper even when I do, I was thinking that perhaps that could put your mind somewhat at ease. We don’t have the facilities to give you a room all to yourself, but we could try this.”

Her mouth fell open dumbly upon realizing that he wasn’t implying what she initially thought. F/N didn’t know how to answer straight away, just barely managing to fully grasp what Levi was proposing due to the toll of her initial, wrong assumption.

He was patient, though, and eventually she came to the conclusion that, although it definitely wouldn’t be as easy as Levi made it sound, there was no reason for her to refuse giving it a shot.

She gave him a grateful smile and opened her mouth to accept the offer, but instead they both jolted when a loud crash boomed through the silence, alarmed voices following soon after.

“Get the doctors! Fuck! Don’t you dare die, Adam, you grumpy, stupid old fuck!”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO ALL! Thank you as always for the support, especially during the past weeks when I was swamped with exams T.T But now I am FREE and in such high spirits that I have a surprise :3 Since I'm so happy to have done and aced this hell of a semester and since this chapter is also quite heavy, I'm posting two chapters today, which I have a feeling you guys will like ;D I hope you've all had a wonderful week so far and that another great week rolls along! Enjoy!

“What happened??” F/N gasped upon barging into Adam and Joey’s room, where the younger man was frantically tending to his teammate, helped by three other medics who’d been woken up by the commotion. The door had been broken down altogether and the younger soldiers had rushed over as well, along with Hange, Magath and a few others. Anya, shockingly, was shaking and crying, yelling at Adam to stay the fuck alive.

The engineer was convulsing on the floor, his face blue and foam dripping from the corner of his mouth. It was a sight taken straight out of a nightmare, and F/N became dizzy and nauseous for a few seconds before her concern took over and she knelt next to Anya. It was futile to try and pull her away, so F/N wrapped her own trembling arms around her, trying to shush her into calming down and letting Joey and the other doctors work on saving Adam.

Levi locked eyes with Hange and instantly realized that she didn’t know what the hell had happened either.

“Brats, get the fuck out of here and let the medics transfer him to the infirmary!” the Captain barked. The soldiers scattered as per his order, and F/N tried to get Anya to her feet as well, despite her frenzied state.

“We’ll stabilize him,” Joey managed to call out as they rushed towards the infirmary. “It wasn’t too late. Trust me!”

F/N nodded – if there was anyone whom she could trust with diseases and injuries, it was Joey. He’d proven himself many times during their missions in the past year, administering first aid and suturing wounds even in the heat of battle with a calmness and confidence that almost made it unbelievable how he’d only barely become a field medic before betraying Starke.

“It’s okay, Anya, breathe,” she focused on her other teammate, rightfully concerned. F/N had never seen her like this before.

“Oi, what the hell happened? Was he poisoned?” she heard Jean asking in the background, along with a perpetual, unintelligible symphony of voices.

Before F/N could kindly ask them to cease the cacophony, Anya managed to pull herself together enough to be able to speak.

“I-I talked to him earlier this evening, like I said I would,” she addressed F/N. “And it felt like I got through to him, and he said he’d take a pill to help him sleep and start over tomorrow but then when Joey came into the room he found him like that and he tried to kill himself because of what I talked to him about and I-“

“Anya, it’s not your fault,” F/N interjected, cutting off her barely understandable tirade. It finally dawned on her, why Anya was taking it so badly. “You tried to help him. It’s the fault of whoever took his daughters away from him, not yours.”

“I made it _worse_ ,” the brunette lamented, sobbing into F/N’s chest. “I watched my own child die, I should have fucking _known_ how it would affect him!”

Her confession created a heavy weight of tension in the entire corridor, the wide majority feeling as though they had no business listening to it. At the same time, however, they’d formed a rather strong bond of camaraderie, and compassion came on top of their hesitation.

Levi was the first to kneel next to F/N and eye Anya sympathetically, but sternly. She was his subordinate, first and foremost. “Oi. Did you ever blame someone else for your decisions?”

“N-No.”

“Then why would you blame yourself for others’? It was his call, and Joey got to him before it was too late. There’s nothing we can do now except wait; blaming yourself is pointless.”

She began to get a grasp of her breathing, finally settling down into F/N’s chest and becoming aware of the multitude of supportive friends surrounding her. It was difficult to accept this position of vulnerability, especially for someone as prideful as her, but there wasn’t a single soul there who hadn’t experienced the exact same thing at least once in their lives.

“Shall we all have some tea while we wait?” F/N asked, her gaze moving from Levi to Hange and Magath. None of them had any objections, and they all proceeded to share the burden together.

* * *

“Mister Adam, you’re awake!”

Gabi and Falco hurried into the infirmary room, having likely heard the news from another soldier. F/N watched as they stopped on either side of his bed, a part of her fondly remembering how they used to do that back when she was bedridden, during her first weeks there. She’d been there all night, any idea of sleep going out the window.

When Adam first woke up, Anya very nearly killed him again, while she and Joey carefully tried to ease him into the situation he was in. Worryingly, the man had yet to utter a single word to any of them, not even to Levi or Hange. Joey had explained that it wasn’t an entirely abnormal reaction, and that all they could do was stay next to him and give him time.

So F/N had done just that, holding Henry in her lap ever since the little boy woke up. The rest of the soldiers had reluctantly left in order to tend to their duties, and since Levi’s squad was excused for the day, their babysitting routine had to be modified. The young woman sighed once Adam simply eyed Gabi and Falco and then continued to stare straight ahead, her E/C orbs lowering to the boy’s unruly brown hair.

Henry wasn’t as lively as he usually was, perhaps being able to sense the somber atmosphere. If it wasn’t so early in the morning, F/N would think he wanted a nap. His little face was leaning into her chest and he seemed comfortable with her fingers gingerly combing through his locks.

Once Joey explained the situation to Falco and Gabi, everything became so quiet that F/N didn’t quite catch Henry’s quiet gibberish at first.

“Mm?”

“F/N sad?” he asked again, bluebell eyes looking into hers. F/N’s heart melted, while also churning with ache.

“F/N wants her friend to be okay,” she replied softly, her gaze flitting to Adam. He was still quiet as a statue, but it was obvious that he could hear and comprehend what was being said around him. “He misses his children very much, but we’d also miss him a lot if he wasn’t here.”

The young woman didn’t really expect Henry to fully understand what she was saying, so her eyes widened in surprise when he nodded, a small frown marring his innocent features.

“I sad too. I miss Mama.”

Her heart shattered into pieces, and she couldn’t help but squeeze him into a tight hug. Although he was still so little and chances were he’d forgotten Historia’s appearance and the sound of her voice, Henry never failed to miss her dearly. All inhabitants of the room, including Adam, gazed at them with bittersweet expressions.

“I hug ‘Dam too?”

F/N was left stumped, gazing from Levi to Joey to Anya in search for an answer. They were just as helpless as her, so she gave Adam a carefully inquisitive look, praying to all deities that he would at least allow this. Their eyes met, but he didn’t give any sort of answer, so she decided to take her chances and rose from her seat along with Henry.

Falco and Gabi moved away to allow her to sit at the foot of the bed, and during the time F/N continued to try to grasp whether it was okay or not, it felt like everyone was holding their breath. Ultimately, she slowly let Henry wobble his way onto the sheets, and the boy rose to his tiptoes, wrapping his chubby arms around Adam’s neck.

At first, the engineer gave no reaction, looking down at the prince but offering nothing else. However, after a few moments, his arm shakily began to rise until it wrapped around Henry’s form, and Adam’s statuesque expression turned into a pained grimace as he slowly became rattled with quiet sobs.

F/N couldn’t take it anymore and, apparently, neither could her teammates. They darted towards him at the same time and embraced him from all sides, with Gabi and Falco climbing onto the bed and joining as well. F/N honestly couldn’t tell whether or not they were all crying together, but she surely was unable to hold back tears, not even noticing when Levi quietly sat beside them, his grey hues watching softly.

It all happened like a blur and it was so unlikely, but somehow they’d become family.

* * *

“It was nice, wasn’t it?” F/N asked lightly, her hands working on the knots in Anya’s back. That evening, they’d all gathered together in the mess hall and shared a small celebration of Adam’s survival. The engineer wasn’t the type to openly show his feelings, but they could all tell he’d felt cherished and appreciated; he normally liked to fade in the background and avoid drawing too much attention to himself, but that didn’t change the amazing contributions and advancements he’d provided during his time there, or the fact that he was just as important as everyone else.

He would still need time and care to fully recover, just like Anya, so F/N and Joey had agreed to take it upon themselves to tend to their respective roommates until they were themselves again. As such, after a long day, F/N offered to help her relax with a massage and she’d gotten her hands on a bottle of wine as well, courtesy of Hange.

“It was. For all the shit they’ve been through, these guys are a caring bunch.”

F/N hummed, a small smile tugging at her lips. “You’re no different.”

The brunette sighed, a groan escaping her once F/N began working on a particularly tender spot. “I don’t think so. They were able to forgive each other for so much shit, including killing each other’s loved ones. I could never do that.”

“Have you been in their shoes?”

Anya’s head turned slightly, her brown eyes seeking F/N’s in the dim light. “I never did tell you why I enrolled in the military, did I?”

F/N’s gaze softened. “You don’t have to-“

“No,” she cut her off. “Might as well get it out before I bury it again. Hell, who knows, if you could get Captain Teapot right in the head, maybe you can work your magic on me too.”

The younger woman didn’t bother trying to explain that it did not quite work like that, remaining expectantly silent instead. It took Anya a rather long time to gather her thoughts, but F/N wasn’t surprised; trying to bring memories that one kept buried for years back to life could be harder than expected.

“I grew up poor. Really fucking poor, and in a rough part of town as well. I didn’t have a dad, and my mom wasn’t qualified for much else except being a maid, which was shit pay back then if you didn’t work in a really fucking rich family’s house. I wanted to go to school, but she wouldn’t allow me; she was obsessed with the idea that I should marry a rich man and get a better life for both of us that way. So she made me knit, cook, clean and whenever she got a bit more cash, she would spend it on silly ass dresses instead of getting more food or saving it. She thought that catching a rich man required a pretty, quiet, stupid thing who could keep a household clean and never talked back.”

F/N could sense the spite in her voice, the anger of a child whose dreams and hopes had been mercilessly stomped over.

“When I grew up a bit more, we started having fights. Whenever I went outside, I was the dumb thirteen year old who could barely read, the sissy who couldn’t play football with the other kids because the only clothes I had were dresses. I began to fucking hate my mom and tried to run away a few times, but always came back when I went hungry. I couldn’t do jack shit to earn money after all, and you know how the police forces in Starke treat beggars.”

The younger woman nodded, her heart clenching with empathy. For all their pride and the pre-Baal prosperity, Starke had never truly been a perfect country. They liked to act high and mighty, but the truth was that no one had ever found the formula for flawlessness, not in the thousands of years of history they’d recorded.

“But then I got older, and I began to think that, shit, maybe I’m an ungrateful fuck. My mom did nothing but feed me and dress me and keep a roof over my head in all those years, and she didn’t leave me on the streets when things got tough like she could have,” Anya continued, and F/N instantly realized those words were taken straight out of her mother’s mouth. The most basic necessities and human decency that a parent was obligated to provide for their child, used as emotional blackmail. “And what else was I good that, other than being a housewife? I couldn’t do shit except knit a scarf and boil potatoes. So when my mom very happily introduced me to a friend of the family whose house she was working in, I went with it.”

“Why didn’t your mom try to marry a rich man in all those years instead of grooming you for it?” F/N couldn’t help but ask. Anya snorted.

“Because they ‘like ‘em young and childless’. I disqualified her, basically, plus I was sixteen when I met this guy.”

The younger woman bristled at that, but she allowed Anya to continue.

“He was rich alright, and he liked me. Looking back, what was there not to like? Low maintenance, unlikely to nag him or ask for this and that, and pussy. My mom had been right about that. So we had a cheap, shitty ass wedding, my mom moved in with us and quit her job, of course, and soon he knocked me up. I never really stopped to wonder how the fuck he got all that money or why he sometimes came home so angry that all he could do was beat the fuck out of me, and neither did my mom. I stopped caring altogether, actually, after my son was born; it was the first time I loved someone without resentment, without pain, without anything bad or impure about it. He was the only joy I had in that shithole of a house.”

Her voice began to shake, and F/N stopped her massage to rub her back comfortingly instead.

“But my husband was in the opium business, and one day he fucked up. Badly. A bunch of people broke into our house, took all of us as hostages and thought they’d get something out of him if they threatened to kill his wife, child and mother-in-law. To this day, I don’t know what the fuck was so important to him, but he told them to go ahead. They shot my baby,” she broke down completely, her back rattled with sobs. “I was so weak, I couldn’t do anything but scream. They didn’t care to kill us after that, they just shot my husband in the head and left. And… after burying my son, so did I. I left straight to the recruitment office. In the military, I realized I wasn’t dumb or weak or helpless – and when I came back to town under a disguise years later, I hunted down and killed all those motherfuckers with my bare hands.”

“…What about your mom?”

“Fuck knows, fuck cares.”

F/N nodded, offering a small, approving hum. Once Anya calmed down, she turned around and sat up, giving F/N a meaningful stare.

“Do you see what I mean now? I _can’t_ forgive. I can’t forgive my mom, I had no rest until I killed those motherfuckers, and I so fucking _wish_ I could have been the one to kill my husband too. The moment someone does me wrong, my first instinct is to kill them, which is why I’m here in the first place. I haven’t been able to forgive any of them, not even after all these years, even though I _wish_ I could, so I could finally make peace with it.”

The frustration in her tone was evident, and the former spy returned her stare sympathetically. “Have you forgiven yourself, Anya?”

The brunette seemed to remain stuck in space for a second, after which her unconscious reaction was to release a nervous laugh. “Of course you’re going to throw the shittiest possible option at me. What the fuck was I expecting?”

F/N didn’t reply, waiting for her to lower her defenses by herself – which Anya did, like the strong woman she was. “…How could I forgive myself, F/N? I stayed and stayed and _stayed_ with all these shitty people until it got my child killed. If I’d gotten off my sorry ass sooner, maybe this whole story would be different.”

She wasn’t really angry at the world, choosing to be angry at herself for not defeating it on her own instead. F/N sighed – it made sense why Adam’s attempted suicide made her completely lose her mind; she already had a track record of blaming herself for one person’s death.

“Anya, you did what you could with what you had, didn’t you? You were emotionally abused at home, physically abused in your marriage and you were never allowed to do anything you truly wanted without associating it with the feeling of going hungry – how can you describe a child going through all that and then expect them to fight against the whole world and win?”

Anya bit her lip, having clearly never thought of herself in third person. “I guess… but I don’t know how to forgive that child.”

F/N placed her hand on her shoulder. “Talk to her. She’s still in there, inside of you. Ask her how she feels, what she might need, what she wishes for. Maybe she needs to feel safe. Maybe she wishes you’d love her unconditionally, unlike everyone else in her life up until this point. She’ll tell you.”

The brunette pursed her lips tightly, the mere idea presented to her touching a chord deep inside her. She heaved a long, ragged sigh. “…Do you mind if I do that alone tonight?”

F/N smiled, getting up from the bed. “Of course not.”

She clicked the door shut and set off towards her working room. Sleepless or not, F/N couldn’t shake the need to at least spend a few hours engrossed in her work.

* * *

Levi set to making tea. F/N usually took it upon herself to do it, but Levi knew her well enough. If she wasn’t with Anya, then she had surely retreated back into her assigned office and he decided to give her a few hours before forcefully dragging her out of there. The Captain hadn’t forgotten the idea he’d proposed to her, and he was still planning to go through with it especially since most of them hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep last night.

For now, though, Levi was content with spending some time alone, gathering his thoughts. He couldn’t help but feel guilty regarding Adam – initially, the brunet was wary of the engineer, thinking he might stab them in the back if it meant he’d have even the slightest chance of locating his children. Instead, Adam had been nothing but cooperative and immensely helpful. Their technology had improved monumentally thanks to his involvement, from the modified ODMG to the upgraded thunder spears and enhanced weaponry.

In return, all the Captain had managed to do was begrudgingly tell him, over and over again, that their teams failed to get a lead on his daughters, as much as they genuinely tried their best. Adam simply came to his office to ask, and he would nod and leave as soon as he received his answer. It was frustrating, but they really had no resources to do more than they already were.

The kitchen door clicked, and the brunet’s grey orbs rose in surprise, not expecting F/N to make an appearance so early. It was still before curfew.

Instead, Adam walked in.

“Captain Levi,” the engineer acknowledged him respectfully with a nod, which Levi returned even though his presence there was confusing. He’d been discharged on the condition of Joey’s supervision, and the medic was nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s Joey?”

“Taking a shower. I just want some coffee.”

Levi grunted. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? The last thing you need is to be awake all night.”

Adam replied with a snort, setting another kettle next to the Captain’s. “I haven’t used caffeine as a stimulant in years, Captain. It’s simply an addiction at this point.”

Levi commented no more on the matter, quietly drinking his tea whilst Adam took the other seat once his coffee was ready. Somehow, the Captain felt like he should say something, but he didn’t know where to start; it was much easier when F/N was around to help him along.

Adam didn’t seem to need him to start the conversation, however.

“I admire you, Captain. You’ve lost so much and still you’re brave enough to open your heart again,” he said casually, openly hinting towards F/N. “She’s a kind girl, to use the manipulative tactics she was taught to help people instead. Not a lot of people can do that.”

Levi made a sound of acknowledgment, not entirely sure where Adam was trying to go with that train of thought.

“I’ve been hearing it all day. ‘Let her talk to you, Adam,’ or ‘At least talk to another specialist we have, Adam.’ What for? It doesn’t really achieve anything.”

“So trying to kill yourself achieved something?” Levi retorted before he could think it through, but thankfully Adam only chuckled humorlessly.

“I can admit now that dying wouldn’t make anything better, but still…Would it be a sin to think that it did? Had anyone really cared before? Did anyone really try to help?”

His words initially stung, but then for some reason the Captain became irrationally irritated, despite knowing better. “Would it be a sin to tell you they did, but you pushed them all away? Would it be so wrong to say that people can only do so much without being _allowed_ to help you?”

Adam grunted in his coffee mug. “I don’t know, Captain. If everyone around is such an expert and they truly care so much, why couldn’t they move past that? Yes, before you say it, I _am_ being selfish, but so what? Can’t I be, when I’ve dedicated my life to two countries and one of them took everything I held dear while the other keeps failing to give it back?”

Levi was momentarily at a loss. He thought back to earlier this morning, when he watched his squad huddling together on the infirmary bed, crying with relief for his safety; he thought back to dinner in the evening, when the entire HQ gathered to offer support. As much as he tried, he just couldn’t comprehend how Adam could take part to all of that, and _still_ hold so much hidden resentment towards his comrades.

“I’m no expert,” Levi said, doing his best to pick and choose the best words to express his meaning. “But even I know that no one, no matter how caring or proficient or stubborn, can pull you out of shit unless you _let yourself_ be pulled out of it. That’s not how it works. You have the strength to do it and no one can do all the work for you. If you keep expecting them to do the impossible, all you’re going to achieve is the miserable state you ended up in.”

Adam became quiet, and the Captain was relieved that at least he was listening. “I’m sorry about your family and about how little we are able to do about it, but also know that we’ve put more effort into finding your daughters than we did for our very own soldiers in the past, because that was all we could do then and this is all we can do now. And the reason why everyone keeps telling you to speak to an expert is because you probably need a smoother approach than mine, but since you came to me, I’ll give you what I can – you either _let_ yourself be helped, or you continue to feel alone, even though you’re anything but.”

It wasn’t by the book by any standard, but, true to his word, that was all Levi could genuinely offer. Whether or not Adam found meaning in his words was up to him at that point, and thankfully Joey scrambled into the kitchen before the Captain could somehow put his foot in his mouth and become too harsh.

“Adam, what the fuck? Why did you go off alone? You scared the fuck out of me!”

Levi gave Adam a pointed look at that, and the intelligent man fully caught its meaning. His brows furrowed, the wrinkles on his forehead becoming prominent, and ultimately he rose from his seat with a sigh. “You know I need my evening coffee, knucklehead.”

Joey couldn’t help his silly grin at the derogatory, but affectionate term, and he gave his Captain a grateful look. Levi nodded subtly in response, and he took the liberty to stretch once the two men left. He suddenly felt all the exhaustion catching up to him and manifesting into a killer headache and, if he was honest, Levi wanted nothing more than F/N’s soothing presence right then.

Therefore, like the direct man he was, the Captain set off towards her working space, fully prepared to throw her over his shoulder if that’s what it took to drag her out of there.

* * *

F/N yawned, rubbing her eyes and finally turning the lamp off. She could finally admit it – she was burnt out. At least she had made some progress during the past hours, so the young woman didn’t feel guilty for bringing her work to a stop for the night.

She was so close to finally discovering the real meaning hidden within those documents; she had bits and pieces that made no sense at the moment, but would come together cohesively once she finally found the missing link. It was exciting, yet terrifying at the same time – F/N would lie if she were to say she wasn’t all kinds of apprehensive regarding what kind of information had come into the enemy’s possession and where they’d found it in the first place.

However, that was a concern for another day, preferably one where she was much better rested. F/N carefully placed all her materials back in the safe and entered the locking code, the one that only she and the commanding officers were privy to. She stretched, aching to finally find Levi and accept the prospect of spending the night with him wholeheartedly – whereas she’d been unsure the night before, nothing sounded better now than cuddling into his chest and getting some shuteye without her sleep anxiety weighing down on her.

F/N’s hand had already gripped the handle of the door, when a strange sound alerted her and had her staring at the window instead. That window was permanently locked and fortified for obvious reasons, and the office was located on the highest floor of the HQ. She feigned closing the door and cautiously approached, her hand instinctively darting towards the knife at her hip.

Another sound emerged from outside, and F/N glued herself to the wall, waiting to see if the intruder had any means of opening the window. Adrenalin surged in her veins once the mechanism protecting it began clicking, and she prepared her stance to immobilize and, if need be, kill.

The door to the office opened, however, to reveal Levi.

“F/N, that’s enough for toda-“

F/N broke into a sprint, darting past a stupefied Captain to hurry to the adjacent room, where she hurriedly opened the unsealed window and leaned over to stare into the darkness beneath.

Her reflexes alone prevented her head from getting stabbed through by the knife that was thrown and she cursed, her only option being to throw her own weapon in the direction she’d been attacked from. F/N heard it making impact, but there was no hiss or moan of pain that could have at least revealed the gender of the infiltrator. Whoever they were, they were good.

“The hell?”

She whirled towards Levi. “Someone tried to break in. They’re still outside and I think I stabbed them.”

The Captain didn’t need any more explanation, rushing off to alert their comrades and curtly instructing her to stay put and guard her office. Soon, the perimeter outside was rumbling with soldiers, while Hange came running in her direction.

“Do you still have their weapon?”

F/N motioned towards the knife, which had ricocheted off the ceiling and landed on the floor. The scientist carefully inspected it, clicking her tongue. “It’s the same standard knife issued for Marleyan troops. If it’s a person among our ranks, it would also explain how they knew to avoid the surveillance cameras.”

F/N sighed in frustration. “I know it’s pointless to ask, but the fingerprint recognition technology is still in an incipient stage, isn’t it?”

Hange shared her sentiment wholeheartedly, offering a displeased nod. “Now if you say you stabbed them, that may be a different story. If we can get a blood sample, we can do a DNA match to all of our soldiers, since your medical blood work is archived.”

She hummed in response, wrapping her arms around herself. This was the last thing F/N needed.

Hange placed a hand on her shoulder. “We’ll take care of this. You should get some rest. It’s been a rough couple of days, and we need _you_ in top shape especially.”

F/N sighed. With all the thoughts running in her head at miles per hour and the fact that Levi was probably outside coordinating the search, she doubted she’d get much of that, as utterly exhausted as she was.

“You heard her,” the Captain’s voice echoed from behind her. F/N turned around, surprised to see him there.

“You too, Levi,” Hange added.

“I’m planning to. You’re capable enough to handle this without me and you would not believe the headache I’m dealing with,” he said dryly and, upon a closer look, F/N noticed that his eyes were squinting with the pain he was speaking of. He grabbed her arm, tugging her along and she didn’t resist, only giving Hange a grateful look before letting him lead her straight to his bedroom.

Levi barely even shrugged his boots off and threw his jacket on the back of a chair before making a beeline towards his rarely used bed. If F/N were any less drained herself, she would make a teasing remark about his ebbing obsession with tidiness, but all she could bring herself to do was crash next to him. Somehow, she had to admit he’d been right – the simple fact that he was there next to her helped alleviate her racing mind, allowing her to focus on her fatigue instead. She was too tired to even feel shy, absentmindedly burying her head in Levi’s chest and throwing a leg on top of his; the brunet was far from minding it. He wrapped an arm securely around her back, his other hand resting lightly on her thigh.

“Do me a favor.”

“Mm?”

“No overthinking tonight. I can’t.”

He couldn’t even finish his sentences, seemingly, and F/N had half a mind to chuckle, half asleep as she already was. “Count on it.”

Levi pressed a thankful kiss to her forehead, sighing in her hair as he closed his eyes. “…’S why I love you.”

That was the last thing F/N heard before succumbing to the most restful, deep sleep she’d had in the longest time.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :DDDDD

F/N’s eyes fluttered open, at first confused by the unfamiliarity of her surroundings and the strange pressure exerted upon her body. She was staring straight into a white wall, her peripheral vision catching the grey material of the shirt her head was resting on.

When her brain realized that she was in the arms of a person, an ice-cold shiver ran up her spine and nausea hit her stomach. F/N’s head whipped up so fast she almost strained a tendon in her neck, but she relaxed just as quickly when she looked down at Levi’s peaceful, sleeping face. She remembered the night before, although the picture was hazy due to her exhaustion, and she realized with surprise that they’d slept until noon upon glancing at the clock on the wall. It showed the time was 4 in the afternoon, and the sun was bright, warm and orange as it lightly touched them through the window.

The brunet must have been beyond burnt out, since her jerking movement failed to wake him. F/N proceeded to take advantage of that fact, her gaze softening as she watched him. Her hand came up to tenderly brush his bangs away from his eyes. Her fingers descended to his temple, down his cheek and traced the outline of his jaw; she smiled when she felt a bit of stubble. His near manic obsession with cleanliness had slowly dulled into something healthier, but Levi was still very much opposed to looking sloppy or living in an unkempt space. She was damn near sure he’d make a beeline towards the bathroom to shave soon after those beautiful grey eyes opened.

Until then, though, F/N took the liberty to carefully press small, doting kisses to his face, her chest brimming with affection and a feeling of gratefulness. She’d felt so safe, so comfortable with him, a sensation she’d craved for the longest time. So much so that she’d woken up in the very same position she fell asleep in, without tossing and turning during the night – or, well, day.

Her E/C eyes moved up when he released a guttural sound, something between a grunt and a moan, which honestly sounded too attractive for his own good. Levi stubbornly kept his eyes shut, but his hold around her tightened and F/N chuckled quietly while continuing to peck his lips, jaw and neck. He was too precious.

When she lifted her face from the crook of his neck, Levi had opened one eye to watch her, and she gave him a loving smile and a tender kiss, which this time he returned.

“Someone woke up in a good mood.”

“You have no idea.”

He hummed, obviously biting back a smile. In all truth, Levi could think of no better way to wake up. “Is that so? What brought this on?”

F/N rested her head on his chest again, sighing dreamily and failing to contain herself from peppering his chest with kisses as well. “I love you so much. And you’re really cute when you sleep.”

Levi was momentarily too stunned to formulate an answer to either of her remarks, his eyes staring at the ceiling whilst his foggy brain tried to wrap itself around her words.

“…Cute,” was the mighty outcome of his lengthy thought process, which made F/N snort out a laugh.

“Yes, cute. Adorable. Precious.”

“I’m not cute.”

“I’m not cute,” she mimicked him teasingly, channeling an angry baby voice. Levi clicked his tongue, and F/N yelped when he turned them over so that they were both lying on their side, facing each other with their legs closely tangled together. The brunet eyed her pointedly, but not without mirth and love dancing in his grey orbs.

“You’re really damn lucky I love seeing you happy.”

F/N pressed her forehead into his, touched by his words and somehow so full of love for this man that she didn’t know what else to do to express it; it felt as though it would burst out of her chest. “…Can we just stay like this forever?”

Levi’s gaze softened and he breathed out a sigh. He knew she was speaking of fantasies, and he didn’t have it in him not to let her.

“I wish I could press a button and just cancel the war. Ding dong, everyone go home, open businesses and make lots of babies, like all people do after a war.”

“Is that what you want? To open a business and make lots of babies?”

F/N hummed in thought. “Not lots. One or two would be enough, I think. And I’d prefer being a teacher rather than running a business,” she mused, raising her brows at him. “What about you?”

Levi snorted at first – he wasn’t the biggest fan of such discussions, but then at the same time he’d be lying if he said he’d never given thought to those ideas. “I… think I’d open a teashop, like Matilda’s. But with better food,” the brunet added as an afterthought, making F/N lightly smack his arm. “I don’t know about kids, though. I already feel as if I’ve raised plenty. And I’m old.”

The young woman chuckled, his unintentional humor always getting to her somehow. “You’re not old, Levi. You’re thirty-three.”

“And you’re twenty-five. Which makes me halfway old enough to be your dad too.”

Her eyes gleamed teasingly. “Oh? Would you then prefer I call you Da-“

“Don’t you even fucking think about fucking finishing that fucking sentence.”

She burst out laughing – the slight age gap between them was something they rarely talked about, but it always made for hilarious outcomes.

“…Fuck, we slept through the whole day, huh?” Levi finally noticed the time, and F/N involuntarily frowned, thinking that he’d cut their moment short. She didn’t want to get out of that bed or his warm embrace.

“What’s with the face?” he asked knowingly, his hand giving an affectionate little squeeze to her waist.

“…Can we stay like this a bit longer?”

Levi chuckled, pressing his lips to her forehead. And she said _he_ was cute. “I don’t see why not. We’ve already wasted the whole day anyway. Come here,” he raised her chin until their lips were a breath away. Morning breath was never pleasant, but neither of them could bring themselves to care; F/N gladly closed the distance and kissed him slowly, softly. She was truly just as starved for affection as he was.

Her fingers carded through his dark locks and she ventured to deepen their kiss, her tongue caressing his lower lip. Levi let her in with no resistance, meeting her halfway and gently angling her head for better access. It wasn’t a battle for dominance, but a loving dance which had both feeling and heat slowly pooling into her chest and lower abdomen. His hand traveled up and down her waist with such care, as if she was made of glass, and when he lowered his lips to press open-mouthed kisses to her jaw and neck, F/N felt nothing but bliss. She’d thought such closeness would ring alarm bells or awaken unpleasant memories, but it was so different, so much more euphoric than what she was used to – she couldn’t feel alarmed when Levi’s touch was so gentle, when she had the utmost certainty that he’d stop as soon as she said the word.

F/N sighed when her engagement prompted Levi to grow just a tad bolder, licking and lightly sucking on her skin. Her body squirmed and a quiet whimper left her mouth when his lips closed around a certain patch of skin, which had the brunet quickly gazing up to check on her. All F/N could do was turn crimson and avert her gaze, somehow embarrassed.

Levi chuckled, coming up to peck her lips. “What are you so flustered for? Do you want me to stop?”

“No, no, I just…” she sighed. It was frustratingly hard to form the words, to the point where she had to force herself not to retreat back into her shell and let him in. “I’m not used to… being the center of attention, to put it that way.”

F/N hadn’t exactly said that no one had ever felt inclined to give _her_ pleasure, but Levi wasn’t fully dumb. He understood, and he had to bite back a scathing remark regarding her past. This wasn’t the time to give in to his fantasies to rip everyone who ever hurt her to shreds; this was the time to focus on her.

He took a moment to wrack his brain for the proper way to respond, but thankfully it didn’t take too long. Since she’d grown into openly communicating things to him the vast majority of the time and explaining exactly how she felt, it had become increasingly easy and intuitive for him to find his words around her.

“Do you want to try? I’d like nothing more than to explore that with you, but it’s your call.”

“A-Are you sure?” F/N sputtered, as if she couldn’t exactly believe that he was being genuine. Levi’s brows involuntarily rose – it was a wholly inappropriate thing to think about, but he couldn’t help but wonder what in the fuck she’d been taught about men and if the Starkans seriously assumed every single one of them was a selfish, shitty ass lay.

“I’m sure,” he said, placing his hand on top of hers comfortingly. Levi wasn’t normally the most expressive man, but actions had always been his love language and his affection for her in particular came to him so easily. Granted, it had taken some time for him to fully open his heart, but once he was there, he was all in. The bedroom was, for him, the best way he’d ever managed to convey his feelings, and Levi increasingly felt like that would only be amplified with F/N. He was more than ready to cross that bridge, but there had been a time in his life when he hadn’t been, and that gave him all the patience in the world.

F/N’s eyes searched his own, and ultimately the breath she’d been holding left her lungs. Levi could feel her body losing some of its tension beneath him.

“Okay,” she said, her voice small, but trusting. The brunet lowered himself down to her lips, trying to pour all his love and care into that one kiss.

“I’ll stop whenever you want. But until then, relax,” he spoke between kisses. “And talk to me if something’s off or there’s something you need.”

F/N couldn’t remember another time when he was so utterly gentle, and that helped her do as he requested, her form unwinding whilst she returned his kisses wholeheartedly. Her fingers languidly traveled up and down his back, much like Levi’s did whenever he tried to comfort her, while the brunet’s attention returned to her neck. He paid extra attention to the spot he’d discovered earlier and F/N bit her lip, her nails lightly scraping his back from the pleasurable shivers of the sensation. Levi turned her head to access the other side of her neck, licking and sucking and slightly nipping at her skin whilst his hands roamed her clothed waist.

He moved to descend lower, but was met with the obstructive collar of her shirt. F/N understood his unspoken request when she met his eyes, and the young woman sat up to unbutton her shirt, leaving her upper half covered only by her chest binding. It was probably the worst time to be hit by a wave of physical insecurity, yet Levi took her form in with dilated pupils and an open mouth; the Captain had always considered her beautiful, but this was the first time he allowed himself to truly appreciate her delicate curves. He couldn’t think of anything more perfect, except maybe unraveling her completely and becoming acquainted with every dip and crevice that formed her.

It was a split second decision, but F/N reached back to remove the binding garment as well, figuring it was going to come off anyway. Her nipples instantly puckered up upon being hit by the chilly air and, naturally, Levi’s eyes became transfixed by the view.

“Fuck,” he breathed, the material of his trousers suddenly becoming too tight. It took a surprising amount of self-control for him to prevent himself from practically pouncing on her. “Can I?”

F/N had half the mind to chuckle, his positive reaction giving her enough confidence to be more comfortable. “I thought that’s what we were doing?”

Her teasing fell on deaf ears for once, as he instantly pulled her closer by her hips and lowered her back down on the mattress, his mouth worshipping her collarbones, her chest and the tender patch of skin between her breasts. F/N couldn’t hold back the moan that escaped her mouth when his fingers traced the outline of her breast – despite her fears, the buildup had her aching to feel more of his touch and Levi’s cautious, featherlike handling of her body increasingly felt like a tease.

As such, the young woman rather impatiently grasped both of his hands and placed them fully on top of her mounds, her nipples tingling pleasantly already at the feel of his palms. “Levi, it’s okay. Please touch me.”

The brunet didn’t need her to ask a second time. He cupped her breasts more firmly, squeezing and fondling her flesh not enough to hurt, but enough to have her breathing quicken. Levi grunted out a moan of his own when his lips finally latched on to a pert nipple, his thumb and forefinger pleasuring its neglected counterpart.

F/N keened – it felt _so_ good, she couldn’t hold back anymore. Every tweak of his fingers, every flick of his tongue went straight to her nether regions and her back arched involuntarily as he continued his ministrations. Why had she deprived herself of this again?

His teeth lightly grazed her sensitive bud and she jolted, breathing out a loud moan. She could feel him smirking into her skin, the cocky ass.

“Do you like that?”

“Mmm,” was F/N’s eloquent response, because he’d already begun doing it again and she was currently incapable of speech. He was taking his sweet time, switching his attention to her other breast and applying the cool, but not unpleasant touch of his prosthetic fingers to her now swollen and thoroughly pleasured bud. F/N unconsciously began rubbing her thighs together, trying to find a semblance of relief.

“Levi…”

His darkened hues rose to glance at her, obviously very satisfied by the sight; she was panting with need, her cheeks flushed and her E/C orbs so erotically charged that Levi’s dick twitched in his pants. “Hm?”

“Please, I want more.”

“What do you want, love?” he asked, coming up to peck her cheek while his hand continued its unhurried show of attention. If it surprised him, deep down, just how much love he was uncovering for this woman, Levi found it an inappropriate time to dwell on it. More than anything, right then, he wanted to give her all the bliss she deserved, all the love that he might have been unable to fully convey in any other way.

Instead of verbally replying, F/N reached down to fervently remove her lower garments. She was greedy and impatient and she knew it, but his touch was so addictive that she couldn’t get a grip. All the arts of seduction and bedroom techniques she’d been taught flew out the window, replaced by foggy, aching arousal. The scent of it filled the air the second F/N kicked her pants and underwear to the floor, and although he’d intended to be patient, Levi couldn’t prevent his hand from reaching down to her bare heat. He groaned into her mouth as he kissed her with ardor – she was so wet that his fingers instantly became coated in her juices.

She mewled submissively, putty in his hands. Her hips rose to chase his touch, desperate to cease his experimental exploration of her folds and get him to touch her where she needed him. F/N’s breath hitched when Levi found her bundle of pleasure, yet it was followed by a hiss as he brushed his fingers over it a little too directly.

“Too sensitive?”

“Y-Yes. But please don’t stop.”

He hummed in response, his free arm wrapping around her shoulders to bring her closer whilst he applied a gentler pressure to her clitoris, flicking it without over-stimulating. F/N’s mouth fell open and her eyes shut, her hand gripping the material of his shirt. “Oh, _Gods_ , like that!”

The pace was set and it was music to his ears, how she gasped and moaned his name. Levi had never seen a sight as beautiful as her flushed, pleasured face and deep down he wanted nothing more than to ravish her completely. Soon, she practically sobbed out her plea for him to enter her and his middle and ring finger easily slid into her wet folds. Levi silently rejoiced that he was using his non-dominant hand to pleasure her, because missing out on the delicious feeling of her walls clenching around his digits would have been a complete sacrilege.

He flattened his palm against her while pumping his fingers in and out, offering her nub of nerves attention at the same time, and the brunet couldn’t help but wonder if she had any inkling of a clue how arousing she was. Her uncontrolled, throaty moans, coupled with the euphoria on her face, the perfect clenching of her womanhood and the fact that he was the one pulling these reactions out of her would have been enough to make Levi cream his pants if he were any younger.

F/N instinctively raised one of her legs, which made him hit a certain spot inside her that had her breath leaving her lungs and the coil in her belly ready to snap. She opened her eyes to stare into his, fighting against the urge to hide her face in his chest as she neared her peak; the passion and love his grey hues laid bare for her to see was her undoing. Her orgasm rattled her whole body and she keened out his name, not once breaking eye contact. Levi eagerly carried her through each wave, and his arms tightly enclosed her body once it ended, pulling her into his chest.

“Fuck, you’re amazing, F/N. You did so well. I love you,” the brunet whispered sweet nothings into her hair, his fingers brushing against the naked skin of her back. If his expressiveness surprised her at first, F/N belatedly realized she was sobbing into his shirt.

“S-Shit, I’m sorry,” she said shakenly through her cries, her voice muffled. A nervous laugh broke through her sobs, and a part of her wondered if she’d lost her mind. “I don’t know why I’m-“

Levi hushed her, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “Don’t apologize. You need to cry, go on and cry.”

And cry she did, until her throat ached and her eyes became so swollen and tired that F/N nearly succumbed to sleep. However, while her chest was exploding with emotion and she wanted nothing more than to let him comfort her, the nagging need to return the favor had her forcing her bloodshot eyes open. The young woman moved to climb on top of him, but the tightening of his hold on her practically immobilized her. She couldn’t dream of overpowering him, even if she trained for thirty years.

Levi raised a brow. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I want to pleasure you too,” F/N cocked her head, admittedly a bit confused by his displeased expression. It wasn’t just a matter of returning the favor – she genuinely wanted to make him feel as good as he had made her.

Somehow, though, the Captain didn’t see eye to eye with her in that moment, and it showed in the way he pointedly stared into her teary E/C orbs. “Don’t take this personally, F/N, but I’m not letting you anywhere near my dick in that state. What we did is enough for me.”

Her mouth formed a pout. “That’s unfa- mphh!”

Their experience together seemed to make Levi even cheekier than he normally was, as he blatantly took the liberty to shut her up by kissing her silly. F/N wasn’t in a position to complain, though – she would have let him do anything he pleased in that moment, really. She melted into his lips, silently accepting defeat.

“Will you shower with me, at least?” the young woman found it in herself to ask, and the smile she received in return had her falling in love all over again. It was beautiful and so, so pure, how Levi completely let his guard down in these moments of intimacy.

“Now you’re talking.”

* * *

“Hello? F/N?”

She snapped out of her trance, giving Jean a sheepish look of apology. After spending a lot more time than necessary cleaning each other in the shower, Levi and F/N had finally made an appearance in the mess hall just in time for dinner. The Captain had soon been waved over by Hange, presumably to discuss the results of last night’s findings, whilst F/N had surprisingly been invited to share a small table with Jean. Somehow, though, once the two of them fetched their servings of stew and took their seats, F/N just couldn’t stop gazing at Levi.

“Yes, sorry,” she returned her attention to the younger Squad Leader, blushing slightly as she realized that he knew exactly what had drawn her attention.

Jean raised his hands, shaking his head as if in defeat. “I know it’s none of my business, but I’m still not used to the idea that you actually fell for the _Captain_.”

It wasn’t intended as an offending remark at Levi’s address, so F/N didn’t take it as such, chuckling lightly instead. She raised a brow as she took a bite from her meal. “May I ask why?”

Jean sputtered slightly, trying to explain himself without putting his foot in his mouth. “It’s just… he doesn’t really strike people as approachable, I guess. And again, none of my business, but you guys don’t really… behave like a couple.”

F/N couldn’t help the wide grin that tugged at her mouth – she was in such a good mood, it was almost ridiculous. “Hmm, let’s see… Seemingly unapproachable, reluctant to express affection in public… Sounds like another Ackerman we both know,” she sang, winking saucily.

Jean turned beetroot red, nearly choking on his own breath. “Y-Y-Yeah, about that…”

“Something wrong? I thought you two were doing fine ever since you got plastered and finally confessed your feelings,” she hummed thoughtfully. In her defense, they all loved teasing him about it – it wasn’t _just_ her.

He sighed, his shoulders slumping. Indeed, Mikasa had surprisingly (well, to him; not so surprisingly to everyone else) responded to his confession, and the two of them were freshly an item. “Kind of. I wanted your advice on something, since you’re… you know. Dating the other Ackerman around.”

F/N had to swallow down her laughter, urging him along instead. She didn’t know why, but it always amused her whenever someone talked about Levi and Mikasa as if they were a different species when, in fact, neither of them was that complicated.

“It just feels like nothing has changed, and I don’t know what to do. Can I hug her, kiss her, hold her hand, any of that stuff? She hasn’t behaved any differently from before,” he said, openly expressing his frustration.

“Talk to her, you dummy,” was F/N’s instant response, as it usually was whenever people asked for her input regarding relationships of any kind. “It’s not like there’s a secret law that says you have to read each other’s minds.”

“So you and Captain Levi talked about that?”

“Not about that, no,” she replied after a moment’s pause of thought. “But that’s because, believe it or not, we’re on the same page when it comes to that. In your case, it’s different.”

“But I don’t know how to bring it up,” Jean groaned. “How do you talk to Captain Levi about that kind of stuff?”

F/N exhaled patiently. “You just do. Some things are harder than others to talk about, but you can’t build something that will last if you’re always playing guessing games or going by other people’s advice. Plus, I think you consider her much scarier than she actually is.”

She glanced towards Mikasa to make her point, the brunette wearing a small smile as she listened to Armin talking about something. F/N’s own teammates had joined their larger table, and she was more than elated to see the relaxed, content expressions on both Anya and Adam’s faces.

“I guess you’re right,” he said, the tension visibly leaving his shoulders. Jean trailed off, however, when his eyes begrudgingly left Mikasa’s form to focus on Dalia, who was walking over to Hange and Levi’s table. F/N acted like she didn’t notice, hoping that the younger man wouldn’t touch that subject.

That hope was soon crushed.

“I’m surprised you haven’t confronted her.”

She hummed noncommittally. “What for?”

Jean grunted. “She’s really nice and all, but it’s pretty obvious she likes the Captain.”

Oh, wonderful. It had only taken her comrades, what? A year to finally notice?

A not so nice part of F/N wondered if it would take another year for them to figure out that Dalia hated her guts as well.

“So? I’m pretty sure he can deal with a soldier having a crush on him on his own.”

“That’s true, but aren’t you worried? At all?”

At that, F/N’s spoon instantly froze in its trajectory, her mouth falling open and her eyes blinking dumbly, trying to make sure she’d heard him correctly. “…About whom? _Levi?_ ”

Jean scratched the back of his head, thinking that maybe he’d said something that crossed a line, except F/N suddenly burst into a loud fit of laughter.

“No. No, I am _not_ ,” she cracked up, glancing back over at Levi’s table only to see Dalia trying to take the seat next to him, to which the brunet simply spread his legs to occupy the entirety of the small bench. The girl sat next to Hange instead, and honestly F/N didn’t exactly care enough to keep watching them. Her problem was simply that Dalia was disrespecting _her_ by acting the way she was; F/N’s concern regarding _Levi_ was, truthfully, nonexistent.

For one, Levi himself wasn’t keen on entertaining that girl’s crush or being unfaithful, and he didn’t take too well to her veiled cattiness towards F/N either. And two, F/N was nice, but she wasn’t _stupid_. There was a reason why she hadn’t put Dalia in her place, and that reason was unfolding before her very eyes – instead of making a scene and attacking a person who was generally well-liked among her comrades, there were quite a few pairs of eyes beginning to watch and frown at Dalia’s actions without F/N having to do anything.

One of the first lessons she had ever been taught was to never get her own hands dirty if she could help it, after all.

* * *

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so whipped,” Hange commented casually, sipping her tea. After Dalia returned to her own table, she finished debriefing Levi and they could now converse uninterrupted. The girl had asked to be excused from training the next day due to having accidentally injured her arm this morning, and although that sounded suspicious to both of their ears, they settled down after noticing it wasn’t a stabbing wound.

Levi forced his gaze away from F/N’s face to grace Hange with a half-glare. Ultimately, though, the Captain sighed. “Actually, I can’t counter that.”

The scientist chuckled. “I would _really_ like to tease you and give you a hard time, but I can’t. I never thought I’d get to see you like this.”

“Erwin would’ve chewed my brains out.”

She snorted. “Erwin would have asked if there’s any room for three. She’s definitely his type.”

Levi’s shoulders shook with silent amusement. “I would rather see him with Anya. Imagine _that_.”

Hange snickered, some tea falling out of her mouth at the mental picture. That combination would have made for some first class comedy. “And Moblit with Joey.”

“…That actually sounds like it would work.”

It was pleasant, to be able to remember their fallen comrades in such a lighthearted way. Usually it evoked pain, despite the love they still held for them; perhaps time was finally doing its job, or maybe they were healing. Either way, Levi decided he wouldn’t question it.

“Did you ask F/N what she thinks about last night?” Hange asked, suddenly remembering that she would like to know the former spy’s opinion. The scientist had her own ideas, but she had only shared them with Armin and Levi so far. F/N was the other person whose input she wanted to get before thinking of a plan of action.

“No. I had… other things to take care of.”

She smiled knowingly, but inquired no further. “That’s alright. I’ll kidnap her after dinner, if you let me.”

Levi was in such high spirits that evening that he played along. “Make sure you give her back or I’ll hunt you down, Shitty Glasses.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, beautiful people! Hope you're all having a lovely July despite all the craziness :) Thank you for sticking with me as always, and without any further ado, hope you enjoy this chapter! <3

“So we all agree that the weapon could have been used as a decoy,” Hange murmured, tapping the table in thought. She, along with Levi, Armin and F/N had all gathered together to discuss their ideas, and the fact that using a standardly issued weapon was highly suspicious had escaped none of them.

“More like as a way to make us suspect a member from our ranks,” Armin added.

“Which would be me,” said F/N, not without displeasure, as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Since I turned out to be the only person who doesn’t have her own knife, and no one was there in the room to actually see me throwing it. That way, I could very well be lying about the whole thing in order to throw you off even more.”

“It’s not unlikely that they took yours and presented it as their own,” Levi clicked his tongue, a part of him almost irrationally angry at the prospect that someone was trying to frame F/N as a liar, perhaps even a traitor. “Doesn’t sound too smart to me. There’s only a handful of people we’d believe over you.”

“And yet, they were well enough versed into our surveillance system to avoid it completely and find a way to make themselves unseen before our soldiers could find them. On top of that, we couldn’t find a speck of blood and none of our men have any stab wounds. Are you sure you stabbed them, F/N?” Hange addressed her again, the wheels in her brain desperately trying to find the missing link to the whole story. If they interpreted any aspect of it wrong, it could lead to a potentially destabilizing distrust among their own ranks or, even worse, a failure to identify a mole.

F/N sighed. “I’m positive. I heard it clearly. I can only find two explanations: they’re not part of our ranks and somehow managed to clean all traces, though it’s unlikely given how quickly they had to flee… but the other scenario is almost inconceivable.”

It took them all a second to realize what she was implying, and their expressions instantly darkened when it hit them.

“…If they were a titan shifter, then the blood would evaporate and the wound would heal,” Armin voiced quietly, visibly horrified by the prospect and unwilling to even entertain it. “But that’s impossible. All remaining titan shifters are gathered here, and they have no reason to betray us. Not in this situation, not after everything that happened.”

Levi whirled his way up from his seat so stormily that F/N was almost startled. She watched him pacing around the room, a dangerous scowl marring his features - the same features that could be so soft and gentle, now looked murderous. “Levi?”

“ _Are_ they all here, though? Are we positive beyond all doubt?”

Hange’s honey brown eyes softened, her face forming a saddened frown. “Zeke is dead, Levi. You know this.”

“Did you see the fucker die with your own eyes? Because no one was around him in Shiganshina except Yelena, and guess what? That bitch presumably died with him.”

“Zeke _is_ dead,” F/N interjected gently. “Baal said it himself, and he had no reason to lie to me at the time. Nothing he ever told me turned out to be false.”

The Captain sighed bitterly, his hand coming up to rub his temples. “…I see.”

“It would make things too easy for us, wouldn’t it, Captain?” Armin said humorlessly, understanding his superior’s frustration wholeheartedly. “Zeke knew this place like the back of his hand, so it would explain the lack of camera footage. And if it were him, we wouldn’t be put in the situation to suspect our own comrades of betraying us again. I’m… tired of it, if I’m honest.”

Levi’s anger dissolved as he gazed at his subordinate. He was aware that his brats had all faced the brunt of betrayal one too many times and been on both sides of it; that was what made this situation so jarring. He couldn’t help but feel that whoever was messing with them knew exactly where to hit them to make it hurt.

Hange was on the same page, and she placed a supportive hand on Armin’s shoulder, her eyes meeting F/N’s almost pleadingly. “I know you’ve got a lot of your plate right now, but if we _are_ dealing with a mole in our ranks… do you think you could identify them?”

She bit her lip – she’d been asked that very same question before, and her answer felt even more unpleasant this time. The first person that came to mind was Dalia, but F/N was mature enough to admit that it was largely because of her dislike for the girl; there was _something_ about her that wasn’t quite right, but most soldiers had their own past and secrets. Although a part of her wished that it could be so easy, F/N also couldn’t wrongly accuse anyone based on gut feeling alone and Dalia’s behavior, infuriating as it was, didn’t speak of sabotage to F/N. “If that’s the case… then they’ve already been here for a long time. We’re only expecting a new promotion of soldiers within the next month, so if there’s a mole, there has been a mole for at least a year. I’ll… do my best, but I’ll be honest. No one has raised my suspicions in that way so far, meaning they’re using methods that I’m not familiar with.”

It was a heavy, disappointing thing to hear, but F/N was not inclined to give herself more credit than she was due. She didn’t have superhuman instincts or an unusually sharp intuition – all she was, was a perseverant and fast learner, but a learner all the same. If she didn’t spend time and effort honing a certain skill, then that skill was nonexistent for her. She wasn’t a genius or a prodigy by any means.

“…Right,” Hange sighed. “We’ll keep this to ourselves for now, if that’s alright with all of you. Magath wouldn’t react well to the idea that there’s a chance of a titan shifter being involved, I don’t want to risk bringing that weight down on Jean and the others just yet and Kiyomi is due to come for her visit – and I _really_ don’t want her to know. Sue me, but I feel like I need a clear head and no people freaking out around me right now.”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself,” Levi nodded.

“Sounds about right,” F/N sighed, being in full agreement. She was normally the one people came to when they were freaking out, and even though the young woman loved to be helpful, she had _way_ too much to deal with.

Armin gave his approval as well, and the deal was made. They were going to keep their eyes open like hawks, hoping they’d get a good enough lead during the following days and avoid a total implosion.

* * *

F/N hummed a lullaby whilst mopping the floors in the mess hall. She rarely found such happiness in cleaning duties, but this time she suspected that Levi had intentionally scheduled them that way to give her a chance not to spend too much time around Kiyomi. To say that F/N was grateful was an understatement – during the Ambassador’s past visits, she’d been practically forced to participate in their negotiations, which left a wholly bitter taste in F/N’s mouth. Yes, she was proficient enough and she had a way with words, as well as seeing through people’s bullshit, but the young woman wasn’t the only such person around. Pieck, Armin and Hange could do just as good of a job, without their stomach knotting up at the mere sight of the Ambassador. After all this time, F/N still had trouble tolerating her presence and her infuriating stubbornness to still address her by a title she no longer held.

Therefore, she’d merrily excused herself due to being on cleaning rotation, and F/N mentally promised Levi that she’d leave the mess hall spotless as a thank you. It felt a bit strange to be all alone in that large space, but not unpleasant. She could finally have a moment alone to gather her thoughts.

Or not.

“Oh, hey, F/N,” Dalia said upon entering, feather duster and cleaning rags in tow. F/N’s eye almost twitched – Levi hadn’t thought it all the way through, apparently.

“Hey there,” she greeted back, offering a polite smile instead while leaning on her mop. “I’m almost done here.”

F/N hoped she’d take the hint and get lost, but the brunette simply walked on the freshly mopped floor to get started on dusting the nonexistent dust off the tables. This time, F/N’s eye did twitch.

“Don’t worry about it,” Dalia said cheerfully. “I don’t have much else left to do, and Captain Levi always says the last of our worries should be cleaning things twice.”

F/N hummed, moving over to drop the mop and bucket next to her – she wasn’t going to mop after the bitch’s shoe traces – and got started on cleaning the windows. “You do pay a lot of attention to what he says.”

“I guess I do,” Dalia giggled, completely ignoring the mop, as well as the message behind it. “I don’t want him to get mad at me like that time in the teashop.”

“I never did see you around town on lunch break since then,” F/N commented, raising a seemingly curious brow.

“Ah, I don’t want to bother anyone to take me to places. The two of you made it pretty clear that supervision is a pain.”

F/N desperately wanted to roll her eyes – how very fascinating, the fact that Dalia never had a problem with asking for other favors, yet now it felt fitting to play the victim. The former spy had a moment where she wondered whether it was the other woman’s unwarranted dislike of her, or actually her cheap fakeness that _really_ made her want to barf.

“I can think of some things that are a bigger pain than supervision.”

“Oh, really? Like what?”

Her patience had reached its breaking point, but F/N still turned to her very calmly, casually shrugging her shoulders. “Like how you, apparently, still feel the need to hide behind your bullshit even though it’s just you and me right now. It would be a wasted opportunity if you didn’t come out and finally told me what your problem is, don’t you think?”

Predictably, the girl’s smile froze on her face and she was momentarily too stunned to react. She had obviously not expected F/N to confront her, and it seemed like she was wholly unprepared for it; the former spy mused that maybe that was why she’d needed to be rescued in the first place. Dalia _could_ pass for what she made herself to be around untrained eyes, but apparently she couldn’t think on her feet to save her life.

Eventually, her face settled into a defensive frown and she crossed her arms. A part of F/N couldn’t help but inwardly smile at the gesture – such a rookie mistake, to convey that she felt cornered through her body language. If it were anyone else, F/N wouldn’t judge them like this, but she couldn’t exactly have a gram of sympathy for someone who constantly tried to personally attack her in such poor taste, instead of directly addressing whatever issues she may have.

“My problem with you is the same problem everyone should have, but they somehow don’t,” Dalia finally spoke, and F/N at least gave her credit for not chickening out. Her eyebrows rose curiously at the accusation.

“Which is?”

“Which is how you magically became one of the soldiers with access to the highest level of classified information, one of the soldiers within the decision-making group and also landed in one of the most important soldiers’ bed – all of these practically overnight,” she spoke bitingly. “I’d never even heard of you when I was in Paradise Island, yet you were basically a celebrity once I came here. On top of that, you were trained as a spy. And still, all Gods forbid _anyone_ speaks of you in anything less than a reverent way, because you’re Princess Perfection and you couldn’t _possibly_ have a bad bone in you.”

The sheer resentment in her tone had F/N blinking in surprise and realizing that this girl didn’t dislike her – she very nearly _hated_ her. She cocked her head to the side, suddenly very interested; objectively speaking, Dalia’s explanation didn’t exactly justify the harrowing amount of venom in her words. And, once F/N became curious, only her conscience could prevent her from uncovering the information she sought.

Her conscience didn’t berate her too much regarding Dalia.

“What bothers you the most about all of that?”

It was obviously not the response Dalia was expecting, but just like F/N suspected, she was harboring too much suppressed frustration to evade the question. “What bothers me the most? You could be giving the enemy all kinds of crucial information, and since you have all the prominent figures wrapped around your finger, who the fuck would believe anyone who spoke against you? And trying to get their attention off you is like trying to move a mountain downhill,” she laughed bitterly. “It’s like you’re a fucking witch.”

F/N’s eyes widened slightly, and she pondered that maybe Dalia’s so-called crush on Levi wasn’t a helpless infatuation, but a premeditated attempt. Somehow, that made her bristle even more than before, but she couldn’t take this discussion personally, not yet at least. She had important things to find out, and her ego had no place in that.

“Do you have any solid foundation for those assumptions, other than my background?” F/N questioned. “What is it that gives you all that certainty?”

Dalia growled angrily, her hands tangling in her ebony locks. She was so close to the breaking point, F/N could feel it. “Who else could it fucking be, if not you?!”

F/N gasped at that, falling back into the windowsill. Her heart suddenly began racing. “So there is _someone_ ,” she breathed, for herself more than the other woman. “How do you know this? What traces did they leave that only you know of? What do you _know_?”

Dalia stared at her for a few seconds, suddenly horrified by what she’d been made to reveal. “No- I- There isn’t-“

“Fucking _hell_ ,” F/N groaned in frustration, wanting to strangle her. All her self-control faded into the background, replaced by white, hot anger. The bitch had known there was a mole for such a long time, but she hadn’t told anyone in fear that _she_ would find out? And here they were, wrestling with a million possibilities when the shrew may as well have hidden the very answers they needed, just because she _thought_ , without _any_ real proof, that F/N was at fault?! “Don’t tell _me_. Tell Hange, or Levi, or Magath, but go fucking tell someone, you _fucking_ moron!”

She couldn’t get a grip of herself anymore, and she very nearly leapt at Dalia’s throat when the girl laughed in her face. “So they can tell _you_ afterwards? I think _you’re_ the traitor, you bitch, and I’m not saying a word until you’re thrown in the dungeons where you can’t manipulate anyone!”

“Oi, what the hell is going on here?” Levi walked into the mess hall, having been alerted by their loud voices. He’d seen Kiyomi off, only to be shocked by the sound of F/N yelling and cursing at someone. The Captain initially wanted to kick himself when he saw Dalia, realizing that he’d messed up the rotation by putting those two together, but he was left stunned when F/N stormed outside, so enraged that she didn’t offer him a second glance.

“What the fuck?” Levi called after her.

“I need to leave before I put her head through a wall!”

It was safe to say the Captain had _never_ seen his lover losing her temper like that, and the stare he fixated Dalia with was nothing short of murderous. It took something big to make F/N react in such a way, and he expected a thorough explanation of exactly what that was.

“I’m all ears. And clean those fucking shoe marks off the floor while you’re talking.”

* * *

F/N sighed when she felt Levi’s arms wrap around her from behind, leaning back into his chest. She’d somehow stormed straight towards his room and spent hours fuming and trying to calm herself down. The young woman had no doubts that, during that time, Levi and her comrades had dealt with Dalia, but she still felt slightly embarrassed for how she lost her temper. She could normally control herself, yet that woman had made her see red.

“Thank you for not wrecking my room while I was away.”

F/N snorted, a bit amused by his dry comment but still so furious. “I would never do that.”

“I don’t know, F/N. I had to grow another pair of balls to come up behind you.”

She sent him a pointed look over her shoulder, scowling at the unconcealed amusement dancing in his grey orbs.

“Don’t tease me when I’m angry, Levi.”

To his credit, the brunet bit his tongue to prevent a smile from crossing his features. He was more than put off by what had transpired in the past hours, but he also couldn’t help but think her rare moment of rage was… cute. The way her cheeks puffed out and the way she snarled reminded him of an angry kitten, and now Levi couldn’t shake the image from his mind.

However, the Captain didn’t want her to feel as though he wasn’t taking her seriously, so he refrained from any further teasing. His lips pressed against her temple, his hands comfortingly rubbing up and down her arms. It was almost ridiculous, how Levi couldn’t keep his hands off her now that he’d gotten a taste.

F/N was far from complaining though. Her arm reached behind to wrap around his neck and she pulled him in for a sweet kiss. “So what did you end up doing with her?”

Levi frowned. “She refuses to talk unless you’re out of the picture. Stubborn as all hell.”

She groaned. “Can’t you guys just talk to her and not tell me?”

“We proposed that. She didn’t believe us. She thinks you’re some sort of sorceress and we’re all under your spell, most of all me.”

F/N shuffled herself out of his arms in order to face him properly, her E/C eyes cautious. “…So what was the compromise?”

Levi’s gaze softened apologetically, and it was obvious that he hated every word that came out of his mouth. “We… need you to decipher those papers soon and spend some time in the dungeons afterwards. I hate doing this to you, but we can’t force or torture the information out of her since…”

There it was. F/N offered a bitter smile. “Since her ideas may not be entirely wrong.”

“F/N…”

She raised her hands to stop him. “I get it. I’m not planning to be the witch she thinks I am. I won’t fight it,” her voice was empty of any emotion, although her words were genuine. Levi’s chest ached seeing her like that, knowing that she was hurting despite hiding it so masterfully.

“I’d better get to work then,” F/N moved to walk past him. She’d hoped for a nice, quiet evening with him to soothe the stress of the day, but that flew out the window. “Another week should be enough.”

“F/N, wait,” Levi grabbed her arm to stop her, yet he retracted his hand as if burned when he glimpsed the look on her face. F/N lowered her guard to eye him with such heartbreak that it kicked the breath out of his lungs.

“Levi, I’m not angry with you,” she said quietly, patiently, as if channeling her last bit of strength to say those words. “I understand. But please don’t expect me to be happy about it.”

There wasn’t much of an answer he could give to that, except a reluctant nod of his head. His eyes followed her sorrowfully as she left, and he heaved a sigh once the door closed shut.

It was indeed selfish and unfair to hope that she wouldn’t take those measures personally, especially when she’d sacrificed and given so much of herself to aid them. The fact that Levi was put in the position to agree with that plan of action was the cherry on the cake, the drop that overfilled the glass – he trusted her with all his heart, he really did, but he couldn’t let his love for her blind him to every other possibility at hand. As much as they both tried to forget it, the agonizing truth was that they were still fighting a war.

It was a long night, and Levi got neither sleep, nor a warm cup of tea.

* * *

Soon enough, it was killing him.

The few times he caught her during the day, mostly during training or mealtimes, Levi watched her interact with her comrades and his heart shattered in his chest. She made everything seem so normal, and no one suspected how much she was truly hurting. Even the ones who were in the know about the whole ordeal just assumed F/N was graciously accepting what needed to be done, and none of them even thought to ask her about it.

This was probably why they said love hurt – agonizing over someone else’s pain was on a completely different level, Levi came to find out.

He’d initially been upset upon realizing that she was avoiding him, skipping their nightly tea date and retreating into her shared room with Anya instead of his, or even spending the whole night engrossed in her work. However, the brunet tried to put himself in her shoes and he honestly couldn’t blame her – it probably hurt to even look at him.

It was such a twisted circle – he couldn’t be there to comfort her without causing her even more pain, yet at the same time, the more time he spent away, the more it killed him.

And yet, even so, Levi couldn’t stand seeing her like that without doing anything about it, so when he caught her making herself some tea one evening, he shut the door behind him and leaned against it.

F/N’s eyes rose to meet his, and she was silently asking him if there was anything he needed.

There was.

“F/N, I…” Levi struggled to find his words, completely at a loss for once. It was such an unusual situation for him, and so difficult to navigate; he was terrified of unintentionally hurting her even more by saying the wrong thing, so his throat practically closed up. “Just… Don’t shut me out like this. Please.”

He flinched, suddenly feeling like an idiot for how selfish he sounded.

F/N continued to gaze at him, her E/C hues glimmering with a complexity of emotions that Levi wouldn’t even dream of trying to decipher. It felt like an eternity, but eventually she approached him and he sighed when her hand cupped his cheek, leaning into her touch longingly. It had only been days, yet it felt like she was touching him for the first time in ages.

“It’s not fair to you, is it,” she murmured, her thumb grazing his skin lovingly even as her eyes filled with tears. “It’s not your fault, none of this is. I’m so sorry.”

He was nearly brought to tears as well, but instead, Levi gripped her hand tightly and pressed a long kiss to her palm. She was so gentle, so understanding, so forgiving; she deserved none of this.

“No, don’t you dare apologize,” he sighed. “You’re not to blame either. I just… I don’t want you to deal with it alone, F/N,” his voice cracked as he watched the tears falling down her face. “I can’t stand it.”

F/N leaned in until their foreheads touched and her tears rolled down his cheeks as well. It was so incredibly difficult to separate the two conflicting sides of him, the one that truly loved her with all his heart and the one that realistically couldn’t trust her completely due to the circumstances. Her mind had wandered aimlessly during the past days, worrying about all kinds of situations – if she really ended up being framed as a traitor, would he throw stones at her, or defend her? If the situation required it, how far was he willing to go? Would he go beyond throwing her in the dungeons, would he let her be hurt, tortured, left for dead?

F/N was the first on the list of people who were willing to die for their cause, but _Gods_ , not like this. She was overthinking things, she knew that, but all the billions of scenarios that had crossed her mind almost made her forget that she wasn’t just a pawn on a chessboard, that it wasn’t as easy as pointing a finger. It had taken Levi practically begging her to stop running away to remind her that he wasn’t indifferent to everything, that she meant more to him than just the never ending dilemma of her loyalty.

“I’m pretty sure I’ll finish the papers tomorrow,” she said, sniffling, but gazing into his eyes hopefully. “Do you… do you want to go somewhere tonight? My treat this time. Maybe we can stop by the ocean too. It’s been a long time.”

Levi gave her a look so soft she almost melted, and his fingers gently carded through her hair. “Doesn’t sound bad at all.”

They fell into a tight embrace, breathing each other in as if they were doing it for the first time.

It wasn’t easy, but they weren’t giving up either.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aight ima just drop this on y'all bye xD

She breathed in the salty breeze, and couldn’t help the smile that crossed her features. It was much colder now than the last time and they were both donning hefty coats, but the ocean was as beautiful as ever, bringing back memories of a time less complicated.

The two of them took to strolling along the boardwalk near the crashing waves, the lampposts offering a soothing, warm light. They were content to just listen to the water, neither feeling the urge to break the silence; being in each other’s presence was enough. There was no need to add any weight to it.

However, F/N blinked in surprise as she looked uphill; the pavement above was laden with picturesque, romantic pavilions where couples could gaze at the sunset in each other’s embrace, and her E/C orbs settled on two all too familiar forms. She lightly elbowed Levi, urging him to glance in that same direction.

“Look at them,” F/N spoke fondly, grinning at Mikasa and Jean. It seemed Jean had taken her advice, if the couple’s openly affectionate behavior was any indication. The shy, precious smile F/N was able to glimpse on Mikasa’s face as she snuggled into her boyfriend’s chest only served to further prove the former spy’s theory on Ackermans – they were just awkward little love bugs, waiting to be smothered with affection. The two younger soldiers were too busy cuddling to notice them, and Levi’s eyes softened for a split second before he looked back at F/N to raise a brow.

“What, you want me to be more like that?”

She rolled her eyes. “Don’t be silly.”

“I can be,” he retorted, a playful edge to his tone. F/N knew that Levi was desperately trying to make her forget any distressing thought associated with him, in any way he could think of, and she didn’t have it in her to pop his bubble. It was so sweet, so thoughtful of him, while at the same time there was no need for him to go so far – it wasn’t his fault, it really wasn’t, and he had nothing to make up for.

“Ah?” F/N gazed at him teasingly instead, deciding to play along. That was the least she could offer in return. “What are you going to do, oh, flamboyant one? Link our pinkies for all to see?”

The brunet fixated her with a challenging glare, and F/N yelped out a laugh when he literally pounced on her, picking her up bridal style and spinning her around. She barely noticed the dazzled smiles of the passersby, too busy giggling at Levi’s actions – the young woman honestly hadn’t expected him to do something like that. The smirk on his face seemed to convey that her reaction was worth it.

“Okay, okay, you win,” she laughed airily, but the Captain didn’t seem inclined to lower her to the ground just yet. His grey eyes, glowing so beautifully with the mellow light, remained transfixed on her face and expressed so much emotion that F/N’s breath hitched.

“That’s much better,” Levi said softly, referring to the bright smile that had lit up her features. She felt her cheeks heating at his words – he never failed to touch her deeply, at the most unexpected times. Her arms tightly wrapped around him and she buried her face in the crook of his neck, peppering him with kisses; if he could forego caring about whoever saw them for one night, so could she.

“I love you so much,” the brunet heard her say, and he pulled her closer in return.

“You better. This would be awkward if you didn’t.”

F/N guffawed at the dry response, which was so not what she’d expected, but so characteristically Levi all the same. She shook her head with fondness as he brought her back down to her feet, biting her lip to suppress a silly grin when he let her intertwine their fingers whilst they continued to walk.

As they neared the commercial area of the beach, Levi’s stomach growled and F/N giggled. He blushed, sending her a glare.

“You said it’s your treat, so own up to it. I’m starving.”

She snickered. “Where do you want to eat?”

He looked around at the various taverns, which weren’t as packed as they were in the summertime, but still retained a welcoming rambunctiousness. Most of the clientele was gathered indoors, away from the cold, and the brunet tried to peek at the food the servers were balancing around. Levi brusquely stopped in his tracks, however, when he caught the gaze of a certain waitress, who in turn offered a smile and a small wave.

“Isn’t that Marie?” F/N exclaimed delightedly, recognizing Joey’s sister. She was the oldest of his siblings and worked just as hard as Joey to be able to provide for their family, being the second breadwinner in their household. She was a fairly tall, blonde twenty-one year old, with the same playful blue eyes as her brother but a much mellower disposition. Levi and F/N hadn’t visited very often, but they’d been around Joey’s siblings enough to consider them all a delight.

They shared a glance, silently agreeing to enter the small pub. It was cozy enough, even if the atmosphere was quite obviously a rather tipsy one. F/N gave Marie a hug in greeting, and Levi even nodded at her gratefully when the younger girl knowingly seated them at a more privately located table.

“How is everyone? I heard you’ve expanded your medicinal garden,” F/N chattered, to which Marie offered a shy smile and a nod.

“We’re all doing well and yes, it does put less work on me. I can finally take more days off now that it’s doing better. Can I get you guys a drink while you check the menu? Maybe some wine?”

F/N hummed – a glass of wine actually didn’t sound bad at all right then. However, the scowl that instantly appeared on Levi’s face had that remark dying in her throat.

“No wine.”

Marie looked taken aback by his harsh tone, and even F/N’s eyes minimally widened.

“Okay… something else then?”

The Captain seemed to realize the change in atmosphere, clearing his throat but stumped on what to say.

“A bottle of whiskey,” F/N intervened kindly, her shoulders slumping with relief upon seeing that her lover didn’t seem to have an issue with that type of alcohol. “Thank you, Marie.”

After Marie politely left to fetch their order, F/N graced Levi with a look.

“What’s with the wine phobia?”

The Captain sighed, grimacing slightly. “…Bad memories.”

He seemed to be struck by something, suddenly leaning over to grab her hand and giving her an apologetic look. “Shit, I’m sorry. Did you want wine?”

F/N smiled benevolently, squeezing his hand. “Don’t worry about things like that. Whiskey works just fine."

“Do you want to get me drunk, buying a whole bottle?”

She chuckled. It felt like a bad time to explain her habit to mostly purchase beverages that were sealed in some way, since they could easily be poisoned or drugged without noticeably altering the taste, unlike food. So, instead, she batted her eyelashes at him flirtatiously.

“What if I do?”

Levi tilted his head with interest. “Hmm? And what’s there for you to gain?”

F/N smiled at Marie as the girl unsealed the bottle, pouring a healthy amount in their ice-filled glasses, and then she took a sip of the liquor while maintaining eye contact with the Captain. “Nothing that’s for you to lose.”

To get her point across, F/N leisurely traced her foot up along his leg under the table, while calmly placing her meal order. This coquettish mood seemed to come out of nowhere, but it was a result of her missing his closeness more than she’d let herself admit in the past days; the way his grey orbs darkened at her actions only spurred her on further. There was a tingling feeling in her chest, urging her to take that last step tonight, before the weight of the deciphered information could fall upon their shoulders tomorrow. F/N finally felt that it was time, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t mess with him a bit before giving herself to him completely.

Levi gulped down his drink, seemingly unaffected, and poured himself another glass. F/N realized that she might have underestimated his tolerance to alcohol.

“If I didn’t know you well enough, I would think you’re trying to seduce me.”

She refrained from smirking, removing her coat instead to reveal the blouse she wore underneath. It was not vulgar by any means, but it did reveal an alluring bit of cleavage. “That is preposterous.”

His eyes traced her contours and he clicked his tongue, rising from his seat to join her in the small settee. It was a tight little space to share, but that seemed to suit Levi just fine as he laced an arm around her shoulders boldly and eyed her in an almost challenging way. They didn’t stand out from the crowd at all, since the other customers were progressively becoming tipsier and more randy.

“Too bad. I wouldn’t mind being seduced,” he spoke after Marie brought them their food, the vibrations in his chest rumbling against her. She could sense the liquor in his breath, and she hummed teasingly as she downed her own glass.

“Is that it, or are you just very impatient, _mon amour_?”

Levi’s eyes widened at the sound of the language he grew up speaking in the Underground, and F/N smirked, tapping his cheek. She’d saved that tiny detail precisely for an occasion like this.

“I thought you were hungry? Your food’s going to get cold.”

* * *

She tasted the whiskey in his mouth, her moan swallowed by the boisterousness of the establishment as Levi kissed her hungrily, almost sloppily. The alcohol was speaking louder than expected, since they normally wouldn’t be caught dead making out like this in a public space.

And yet, as the bottle lay empty and forgotten on the table, F/N felt a hazy blur of heat burning inside her, and if the hardness she was met with when her hand daringly traveled to his crotch was any indication, Levi was in the same situation. The Captain growled as she groped him through his pants, biting down on her lip. The action sent an electric jolt throughout her body, and F/N’s foggy brain managed to comprehend that they desperately needed to leave.

She’d provoked him all night long and they’d downed that liquor like water after a long day, but the throbbing need she felt for him was ridiculous – her panties were already soaked through, her womanhood clamping up at every small shift in position.

F/N fumbled to find her money, unceremoniously dropping it on the table – there was probably more than enough of a tip in there. She would have tripped on her own feet when she stood, if not for Levi’s superhuman instincts; the brunet, though just as hammered, seemed to have a much better sense of balance and he hurriedly led her outside. The small part of F/N’s rational brain that was still functional felt a bit ashamed for not giving Marie a proper thank you and goodbye, but then again she doubted she was capable of anything more than incoherent gibberish, and she’d left the girl a generous tip.

“Fuck, I can’t walk back with you like this,” Levi snarled into her neck once they found themselves on the street, sucking and biting her skin hard enough to leave a mark. “Are you happy with what you’ve done, you sly little minx?” he ground his erection into her ass, making her whimper with want. “You better find a way to get us back to HQ, or I’m taking you right here, against that wall.”

He’d lost his mind, and when his words only made her wetter, F/N realized she’d lost hers.

“Taxi!” she called out, in a desperate attempt to put whatever was left of her brain to use, before that faded away too. The back of that car was smothered in heat for the entirety of the trip, and the driver happily accepted whatever money Levi had on him, since F/N had left all of hers at the pub in inebriated stupidity. They practically bolted towards the Captain’s bedroom once they finally arrived, and by then F/N had lost all semblance of logic. There was no doubt, no uncertainty, no insecurities – only pure, drunken lust.

As soon as the door closed shut, she slammed him against it and fell to her knees, desperately unzipping his trousers and pulling them down to his feet. The mere sight of his still covered bulge made her mouth water, and she sucked him in through his underwear, moaning as she tasted the precum that had dampened the cotton.

Levi hissed, his head falling back against the door and his fingers tangling her locks. F/N ripped the boxers off him to reveal his throbbing length, which instantly sprung to attention and pulsated against her lip, leaving a drop of precum in its wake. She licked it from the base to the tip in nothing short of a depraved way, mewling with every stroke of her tongue like she’d gotten a taste of heaven. Her lips then closed around his balls, sucking them into her mouth and swirling her tongue around them hungrily until Levi’s breathing turned into ragged panting and he desperately pulled her hair, his need clear.

F/N gave him what he wanted and took him in her mouth, swallowing him all the way down. She had no gag reflex, her training had made sure of that, and she took full advantage of that fact in that moment. Her cheeks hollowed as she sucked his member, her tongue flattening against him and coming up to lick the underside of his dick when she finally rose back up, without relinquishing it from her mouth completely.

Levi’s knees buckled and he had to regain his balance, an incoherent string of curses leaving his mouth. “Ah, ah, _fuck_ …”

Whatever scruples he still retained were trying to fight the urge to thrust, F/N could tell, so she lightly smacked his ass and gripped it with both hands, taking him in fully again. This time, Levi held back no further and set the pace he wanted, moaning lewdly as he fucked her throat. Her chin became drenched in saliva and it coated his balls as they relentlessly crashed into it, but it was her gargled, sinful moans that soon had him near the edge.

“Fuck, fuck, F/N, I’m gonna-“

His warning had her dipping down to swallow him whole and then mercilessly suck the release out of him, making him choke as the orgasm rippled all the way to his toes. He shuddered from every joint for a few seconds, but Levi was still nowhere near done. As soon as he regained his breath, the hand that was still tangled in her hair pulled her up into a searing kiss, while he shook his shoes and trousers away. The Captain tasted his cum in her mouth, but all trace of it was already gone; she’d been quick to swallow her reward.

They stumbled towards the bed, with Levi forgetting his own strength and ripping her clothes to shreds. F/N tore at the dress shirt he still had on, and all the buttons scattered around the room, but far be it from him to care. He shrugged the offending garment off and slammed her into the mattress, effortlessly spreading her legs to stare at her glistening, sopping heat. Hypnotized, Levi watched the juices dripping out of her pussy and sliding down the plump flesh of her ass, and his length already hardened again at the sight.

She was squirming beneath him, maddened with desire, and the brunet didn’t think twice before throwing her legs over his shoulders and burying his face in her essence, lapping her up like a man starved. F/N’s back arched off the bed and she keened loudly, her nails sinking into his scalp in an irrational attempt to keep him there.

Levi had no intention to leave; her taste was enslaving. He groaned as if he were pleasuring himself, sucking her bundle of nerves into his mouth and stroking it with his tongue, while somehow remaining mindful enough not to hurt her. Her hips ground up into him with every move, her hoarse moans bouncing off the walls.

She shook when his tongue dipped inside her, sobbing out his name. He explored her thoroughly, scooping up her juices and then diving in for more, his fingers leaving marks on her smooth thighs. Unexpectedly, Levi released an animalistic growl and flipped both of their positions, tugging her forward by her hips whilst he lay on his back.

When F/N hung in the air for a moment, drunkenly disoriented, the Captain reached up to place her hands on the headboard and lowered her down himself, grunting in pleasure as his hands squeezed the bouncy meat of her ass.

“Go on, F/N, ride my face.”

In other circumstances, she might have needed a little more encouragement, but once she processed his request, F/N gladly went along with it. She was so desperate for release that she had to forcefully remind herself that Levi, just like any other human, needed to breathe, so she remained conscious of that fact while rubbing her heat in his face. She chased his tongue longingly, swiveling her hips, but soon ended up reaching below to hold his head in place, too impatient to drag it out.

“Stick it out,” she ordered, moaning as Levi did as he was told and she shamelessly began pleasuring herself by riding his tongue, the hand that she wasn’t using for support coming down to rub her clitoris. His gorgeous eyes opened to gaze at her with such unexpected obedience that it almost made her cum, and F/N lowered herself on his tongue as deep as it could go, her eyes never leaving his and her mouth falling open in a silent gasp.

“Fuck me with your tongue, baby.”

The way he looked into her eyes, coupled with the euphoria of his dutiful compliance to her command, had her orgasm crashing down on her so aggressively that she would have fallen off him if his hands weren’t imprinting themselves on her bottom. Levi moaned in encouragement as she cried out with each wave, drinking everything she had to give and trying to coax more and more out of her. She collapsed into the headboard and the brunet felt her flesh quivering around him, but the instinctual rotations of her hips betrayed the fact that, just like him, F/N was nowhere near satisfied yet.

“Lie down,” the Captain guided her along, since any sense of direction or balance was foreign to her. He ached with the blinding need to bury himself inside her, but still took a moment to appreciate her flushed, wanton features as he aligned his length with her entrance. Her pupils were so dilated that he could barely make out the contours of her E/C irises, her mouth open and panting as she felt his tip brushing against her. She clung to him in desperation, flinging her hips upwards to urge him along.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Levi breathed against her lips, kissing her hungrily and then latching onto her neck fervently. Her scent, her taste, the perfect molding of her body against him, it was all driving him to madness. “So _fucking_ beautiful.”

“Levi,” F/N whimpered, clawing at his back. She would have flipped them over and impaled herself on his dick in her impatience, if his hold weren’t impossible to escape. “I want you, _please_.”

He sank inside her all the way through, and they both groaned into each other. Her walls were squeezing him so deliciously, her juices already dripping down his thighs, while the feeling of being filled to the brim had her nails leaving marks on his toned back. Levi wasted no more time, thrusting into her hard and deep, his hands roughly exploring all the flesh they could reach. F/N’s breasts were left red and bruised under his touch, but she was far from complaining; she gripped his ass, pulling him deeper inside her until Levi was practically hammering her into the mattress.

It was hot and loud and carnal, neither holding back on their raspy moans or the obscene, squelching sounds of their union. Their scents molded together in the air, they licked each other’s sweat off their skin, they breathed each other’s breath. F/N became dizzy when Levi stretched her legs mercilessly, bringing her feet to the sides of her head and hitting a spot inside her that made her lose all sense of self. The air left her lungs and her mouth hung open voicelessly; there was nothing but him, and the overwhelming pleasure he was making her feel.

“Yes, yes, cum for me,” Levi growled as her walls clenched around him impossibly tight. He felt his own peak approaching, all self-control long gone. “Fucking cum for me, F/N, let me feel it.”

She came undone around him and he fell into the abyss with her, an intense pressure building up even as Levi emptied himself inside her with a feral grunt. A pool of liquid squirted out of her when he pulled out and the brunet chuckled with satisfaction, not even noticing or caring to think about how in the world he was still hard. The sheets were soaked through, but Levi was more preoccupied with kissing her shaky, bruised thighs, humming his approval.

“I’m not done with you,” he breathed, sucking the softer flesh of her inner thigh until he left a dark, purple mark. “But you can take more, can’t you? You’re a soldier. _My_ soldier. I won’t tolerate any less.”

His words were slurred and unfiltered, yet F/N wasn’t in the state of mind to focus on that. The mere sound of his deepened, aroused voice was enough to make her ache for more, even as his release trailed out of her fluttering pussy. She rose until she faced him, more than eager to play his game.

“You should know me better than that, _mon cher Capitaine,_ ” F/N spoke sultrily, albeit less articulate than she normally was, pushing down on his chest until she climbed on top. She rubbed herself on him, their mixture of fluids coating his length and coaxing a low, rumbling groan from deep within his chest. Every word she spoke in that language made him want to ravage her. “I’m much more than a soldier.”

Before he could reply, F/N lowered herself down on his member, sighing at the feeling whilst Levi hissed. She didn’t move just yet, however, their actions up until that point giving her just enough release to help her last through a few teasing moments.

“But- ah, you’re still my superior officer… and you command my respect,” she moaned, swiveling her hips enticingly. It was her words only that kept him from thrusting up into her like an animal. “So I’ll honor you like you deserve.”

Her arms moved up to salute him, whilst she finally began to bounce up and down his dick. The sight played into his darkest fantasies, the somber authority of their military status tainted in such a lewd way. The woman who was officially his subordinate offering that prized display of respect, while fully dominating him at the same time.

Levi cursed, unable to tear his gaze away from her yet conscious that he would cum embarrassingly soon if he didn’t. She was dangerous, so dangerous with her ability to intuit his deepest desires even in her drunken disorientation, and ride him so pleasurably while she was at it.

He uncontrolledly tried to pull her towards him, unable to stare at her like that any longer, but ended up moaning in defeat when F/N slapped his hands off her, holding him down. She wasn’t physically stronger by any means – Levi simply discovered that it felt _so_ good to let her take the reins, a part of him longing to be the one following commands for once. She’d gotten small clues regarding that, but his reaction now revealed it with crystal clarity, and F/N smirked. All of her fantasies were coming to the surface as well, and there was no shame or sanity to temper them.

“You’re so good at giving out orders,” F/N sighed, her forehead leaning against his and her hips moving faster. “You… take such good care of your soldiers. But you need to be taken care of too, don’t you?”

“Ah- F/N… Fuck… nngh… yes…”

“I have an… mm, order for you. A-Are you up for the challenge, Captain?”

He was panting, so close to the edge and yet she was so masterfully keeping him from falling over. “Yes, yes, fuck yes, just- hnnghh!”

She turned herself around, holding onto his legs as she impaled herself on him again and again. For a moment, Levi didn’t know what to focus on – her plump ass, the toe-curling sensations of her relentless pounding, or the words she spoke over her shoulder.

“I order you to make a mess, and clean it well,” F/N rode him all the way through the blinding orgasm, and Levi very nearly passed out. It was the hardest he’d ever cum in his life and she milked him for all he was worth, his length finally softening, but the brunet had a task to complete – she bent down on all fours, full of his release, and Levi didn’t hesitate to follow. He dutifully sank his face into her heat, lapping up his own cum and cleaning her thoroughly. The excitement to follow such a dirty command overshadowed any depravity or repugnance, and he found himself so eager to please her that he didn’t let her move away when she tried.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Levi grunted, biting into a bouncy ass cheek with reverence. It was like a switch went off, when F/N inadvertently mewled at the feeling, and he chuckled into her skin, soothing the bite with his tongue. He loved her dominant side, but he was also far from opposed to watching her writhing under his touch. “I can’t let you outdo me like that… You took such good care of me, treated me with such respect… What kind of a commanding officer would I be if I didn’t return the favor, _ma belle_?”

She opened her mouth to reply, but only a gasp emerged – he’d buried three fingers inside her, taking advantage of her heightened state of arousal, and his mouth was inching dangerously close to another entrance nearby. 

“Tsk, don’t tense up on me now,” the brunet breathed, pumping his fingers and seeking the spot that made her go wild. “I’ll make you feel good, ma chérie, don’t you worry.”

And that he did. F/N released a long, drawn out moan, her hands grasping the dampened sheets until her knuckles turned white. Levi found what he was looking for, and his tongue – _Gods_ , his tongue was doing things to her that she would have never imagined, not drunk, not sober. She’d already built up a knot of pleasure in her belly by riding him, so it took no time at all for him to bring her over the edge, crying out and clamping down on his digits.

And yet, he didn’t stop. His hold on her was inescapable, and F/N screamed out his name as he continued to finger her even harder than before, his tongue swirling deep inside her other cavern at the same time. She convulsed in his arms as another, more intense orgasm rammed into her, and only after carrying her through each wave did Levi finally remove his fingers, giving her bruised skin a satisfied, proud kiss.

F/N could feel herself shaking from every joint, she was vaguely aware of Levi’s cheek resting on the flesh of her bum, but she couldn’t bring herself to move. The room was spinning, whether her eyes were open or not, and there wasn’t much else she could do except allow her body to relax, now that it had finally received the gratification she’d been so desperate for.

Relaxation soon became a deep, dreamless slumber, which lasted well beyond the routine wakeup call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have some holy water ~~~


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D

It was the dull nausea that disturbed his sleep, and Levi groaned at the unpleasant feeling, reluctantly giving in to the urge to wake up. His hand subconsciously reached up to brush away the sand from his eyes, but he was instead hit by a certain smell. Not unpleasant, definitely familiar, but a scent that had him fully conscious in the blink of an eye.

His head rose, only to come face to face with F/N’s naked, brutally bruised bottom. She was still asleep, snoring lightly, and Levi’s eyes traced her form, his mouth falling open. Her smooth skin was red and purple all over, with hickeys, teeth marks and other blemishes marring it. She was also filthy by all objective standards, various fluids having crusted on her thighs during the night, but then again the Captain realized he was no different.

The memories belatedly crashed into him with crystal clarity, but Levi had no time to dwell on them; he stumbled to his feet, tripping over different articles of clothing (or what was left of them) in his haste to reach the attached bathroom and retch. He’d never been so happy to have his own, private toilet – running around the corridors butt naked and reeking of sex wasn’t exactly the ideal way to present himself to the world.

The Captain cursed, swearing never to touch alcohol again as he vomited. As if that wasn’t enough, his head felt like it was going to explode and he still had no idea what to make of what had happened last night. Levi hung his head on the toilet seat, grunting in discomfort and trying to gather his thoughts.

“Are you done?”

He looked up to see F/N and flinched. Her front was even more battered and there was an unmistakable limp in her step as she approached him.

“Yes… F/N, I’m-“

Levi was left stunned for a moment when she practically shoved him to the floor, but he sighed as he saw her hurling. There wasn’t much else he could do in that moment except hold her hair back with one hand, the other feathering down her back comfortingly.

“…Can you do something for me?”

He made an inquisitive sound, grimacing as she heaved again once the words came out of her mouth.

“Please don’t ever let me touch whiskey again,” F/N whimpered. Her stomach was doing somersaults – she’d never felt so utterly shitty after alcohol consumption, but she surmised she hadn’t had so much of it in a long time, and whiskey was not the friendliest liquor when consumed in large amounts after all.

Levi snorted. “Gladly. We’ll be two old shits for the rest of our lives, I’m never putting anything except water and tea in my system again.”

She chuckled lightly at his dry response. The elephant in the room was ever present, but neither felt inclined to address it just yet. F/N would have expected the memories to be sparse or foggy at best, but she remembered every single detail and… just like Levi, she didn’t quite know what to think.

He offered her a spare toothbrush and they came to an unspoken agreement to clean themselves up before saying anything. The hot water was a more than welcome sensation on their skin, yet they both eyed each other with a bit of hesitation, unsure if the other felt comfortable with being touched in that particular moment.

F/N was the one to break the ice, gingerly pulling him into a kiss as the steam rose in the shower cabin. Levi returned it wholeheartedly, albeit tentatively – his fingers carded through her hair with an uncertain kind of gentleness, his other hand timidly resting on her waist. She brushed his cheek lovingly to let him know it was okay, and that was enough encouragement for him to caress her body with such care, that it almost felt like an apology.

“Hey,” the young woman spoke softly, tilting his chin up to meet his eyes. “I love you.”

He sighed, bringing their foreheads together and wrapping his arms around her protectively. “I love you too. I want to talk about this, but… I don’t know how.”

F/N smiled at his openly vulnerable admission, brushing his damp bangs out of his eyes. “Well… first things first, are you okay?”

“I’m… I don’t know,” Levi confessed, rubbing a bar of soap between his hands and spreading the foam along her skin. He felt the need to do something while expressing himself, such things still being difficult for him to discuss. “I don’t regret it, it’s just not how I intended or expected it to be.”

The brunet frowned when she flinched, his fingers having touched a particularly tender bruise. “…And I didn’t want to hurt you.”

She shook her head, taking the soap and returning the favor. “I don’t recall complaining about it, Levi.”

“So you’re telling me you’re okay with what happened? The way it did?”

F/N gazed at him with a conflicted expression, and yet there was so much affection in her E/C orbs it almost took his breath away. “It… wasn’t what I had in mind either, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want it. And it was with you. That makes it okay for me.”

Levi still looked unconvinced, even a tad frustrated.

“What’s wrong, my love?” she cupped his face, care and concern swimming in her eyes. She couldn’t deny that something had changed; she felt even more attached to him, in the most profound, intimate way.

He tilted his head to lean into her touch, sighing. “’Okay’ isn’t exactly what I was aiming for. You deserve better than drunk sex for our first time doing it.”

She clicked her tongue at him. “You’re saying that as if I didn’t want it just as much. It’s not something that only _you_ take responsibility for.”

“But F/N-“

“Hush,” F/N pressed a finger against his lips. “My past has nothing to do with you. You don’t have to make up for anything that other people did,” she said gently, but firmly, continuing to wash the grime off him. “That’s for _me_ to overcome, and I think I’m doing a good job at it.”

Levi’s gaze softened, a heavy weight falling off his shoulders with her words. “You are.”

They stepped out of the shower, clean as a whistle, and eyed each other sheepishly once they set foot outside the bathroom. To say the whole place was a mess was an understatement.

“Oh, and by the way,” F/N said whilst bending down to retrieve the buttons off the floor, clad in one of Levi’s shirts since none of her clothes were salvageable. “It wasn’t just okay, you know. I had no idea the human body could feel so good – and I also had no idea how much of a freak you really are.”

The Captain’s head whipped towards her, one eyebrow raised all the way to his scalp, although he couldn’t hide the swell of his ego at her praise. “Hah? _Me_? You fucking ruined the whole military for me. I will never be able to look at you saluting again.”

F/N chuckled, looking at him challengingly. “Hmm? That’s fair, I guess, since I’ll never be able to hear you complaining about people being messy without remembering that you had your tongue all the way up my ass, you nasty, nasty man.”

Contrary to what she was expecting, Levi simply graced her with a shrug, coming up behind her to give her butt a cheeky little smack. “I don’t have to be drunk to do that. Finest ass in the world.”

She couldn’t help but giggle, standing back up to wrap her arms around his neck. He eagerly pulled her in as well, and it seemed F/N wasn’t the only one who felt their deepened bond. Levi even went so far as to pick her up, cradling her in his arms while kissing her sweetly.

“It’s also a good thing you and I speak a language that no one else knows,” the brunet hummed into her lips.

“Really? How so?”

He gave her a smile so tender that she melted. “I can be a corny sap without anyone realizing it.”

F/N cocked her head, though a grin was already tugging at her lips. “And how would you do that?”

Levi cleared his throat theatrically, spinning around with her in his arms. She’d never seen him like this before, but oh, F/N was not complaining. “Dammit, F/N, do you need me to speak a different language for you to understand that you mop _after_ you sweep? _T’es ma joie de vivre, mon trésor._ ”

She burst out laughing, while also cooing at his words, as angrily as they were spoken. This side of him was something she thought she’d never witness, but it was so beautiful and he looked so happy. Her heart nearly burst in her chest.

All too soon, though, the urgency to return back to reality set in. F/N still had a job to do, as much as she wanted to stay safely cooped up in his arms for all eternity.

“I need to run to get a change of clothes and finish up my work,” she spoke begrudgingly as Levi set her down, but ended up pulling him into another kiss to wash the grimace off his face. They both knew F/N wasn’t going to spend that night or the following ones in her room or his, dealing with the chilly, unwelcoming dungeons instead. However, all of her distress regarding that had dissipated – she knew now that they were going to be okay, and she didn’t want to leave without Levi knowing it too.

“Hey, it’s alright. I just want us to end this war so we never have to be put in this kind of situations again,” she pressed small, chaste kisses to his cheeks as she spoke, smiling when the dejection eventually faded away from his features. “If we can get that, I’ll face anything.”

Levi pulled her against him tightly, exhaling a long breath into her hair. “You’re too good for this shitty world.”

He had to force himself to let her go, his mind wandering dangerously – the brunet could suddenly think of so many things he would rather do with her than what needed to be done, but ultimately they were both too invested in the war’s outcome to give in to such urges. Neither could pull each other away from their duties, even though sometimes all they wanted to do was run away.

The door shut behind her, and Levi took a few moments to recollect his thoughts.

They were going to be okay.

* * *

She stared, and stared, and stared. No. She refused to believe what she was reading.

It couldn’t be.

No. No, no, no, _no_.

Was that deafening sound her own blood pumping in her ears, or was it the whole world crashing down on her?

F/N fell to her knees, her chest tightening impossibly and her breath escaping her as the information replayed itself in her mind over and over again. Fuck, she couldn’t collapse like that, she had to tell the others, but goodness gracious, _how_? All those pages upon pages upon pages of symbols and scrambled words had come together to form one sole apocalyptic paragraph, for the world and for her.

She read it again, her tears blurring the words.

_“The information our spy provided from Marley turned out to be correct. The Starkan Parliament has been seized and the library masters who refused to cooperate have been neutralized. We are currently gathering information on the weapon of mass destruction, and expect to have a prototype ready in two years. Until then, buy time, extract all the uranium you can find and let the Queen do as she pleases. It won’t matter in the end.”_

It was a letter from Baal to Forster, and a death sentence at the same time. F/N’s head exploded with questions – who was the spy? How in the world did they manage to get their hands on information that F/N had shared with the Marleyan military leaders only? This letter was a year old – what in the hell had happened since?

She sobbed into her hand, stumbling to her feet. She had to show it to the others, regardless of how utterly devastated she was. Every second they remained in the dark was leading closer to a catastrophe.

* * *

The silence was gravely.

The same people who had participated in her interrogation an eternity ago, those who had become cherished comrades and friends and lovers, were now staring at her with shock, anguish and betrayal etched into their features. For the first time, F/N’s brain couldn’t work properly; she had absolutely no clue what any of them were thinking.

“So you’re telling me…” Connie was the first to speak, his eyes unfocused and his voice low and whispered. “…That we spent all this time fighting this war… and we were doomed from day one?”

Annie whirled from her seat, and F/N’s bloodshot eyes were almost too tired to follow her.

“Better yet, what _I_ want to know is who leaked the information,” her tone was laced with venom. “Because as far as I know, only the people in this room had access to it.”

Her icy blue eyes bore holes into F/N’s form, and the young woman heaved a quiet sigh. She wasn’t naïve enough not to expect it, but by the Gods, she dreaded it with all her being.

“We can’t start pointing fingers just like that,” Armin was quick to intervene, placing a hand on the blonde’s shoulder in an attempt to appease her. He was the only one who dared to touch Annie in such a moment. “We all know the Starkans are technologically superior. It’s not brand new information.”

“And yet the letter mentions a spy, not a device,” said Pieck, who was much calmer, but equally affronted.

“And spies aren’t known for using devices?” Jean retorted bitingly. “Or did we go back to the era where we ride horses to get to places and a seeing a gun makes our jaws drop?”

“That’s _your_ outdated history. Some of us never lived in that era.”

“Enough,” Hange raised her hands to cease the commotion, her honey brown eyes settling on F/N. The young woman met her gaze, her heart churning with pain as she saw how conflicted the scientist was. “You saw Levi’s office when we questioned you. You saw all the protective equipment installed there. Do you have any knowledge of a device that could break through all of that?”

F/N opened her mouth to reply, but Connie beat her to it.

“Is she really the best person to turn to right now? For all we know, Dalia could have actually been right about her.”

“The space was safe by all objective standards,” F/N spoke, drained but still unwilling to let anyone speak over her with such contempt. “But I was never in any tech unit and my knowledge of it is limited to what I was taught. The Starkans are constantly improving their technological means, just like we are.”

Magath grunted. “It’s rather bold of you to use the term ‘we’ when you’re the primary suspect, don’t you think?”

Multiple eyes darted to him in surprise, a lot of them in disbelief at the stance he was adopting. Levi finally reached the breaking point, unable to listen any longer.

“Who decided that? I fail to remember any Marleyan spy being kind enough to work tirelessly to reveal crucial information to their enemy like this.”

F/N’s gaze finally darted to him; she’d been scared to even look at him, fearing that he’d choose to blame her, but her shoulders slumped with relief upon seeing him so angry on her behalf, as if he couldn’t believe that anyone had it in them to accuse her.

Annie snorted derisively. “I have to ask, Captain Levi, are you speaking with your head or with your dick?”

Sharp intakes of breath resonated in the room, with Hange and Mikasa visibly tensing up in preparation to restrain Levi if he gave any indication that he was about to jump at Annie’s throat. He, however, merely graced her with a challenging glare.

“I have to ask, Female Titan, what part of your shitty brain thought it was a good idea to provoke me, knowing our history together?”

Theirs was, indeed, one of the most strained relationships in the military. Annie had killed people whom Levi loved with all his heart, and the blonde rarely forgot what she’d gotten in return. They seldom even spoke, choosing to just accept each other’s presence, but it was obvious that Levi was not in any way hesitant to remind her, loud and clear, that they weren’t friends.

This was exactly what they’d all been quietly dreading – yes, they’d come together to form an alliance and they’d developed and rekindled bonds to keep them united, but no one had fully, truly healed yet. This situation was threatening to break everything they’d carefully constructed.

“I know some of you don’t want to listen to me,” F/N stepped in, desperate to cut through the heavy tension as well as to express her own thoughts. “But this is exactly what happens when someone tries to sabotage an already frail alliance.”

Magath fixated her with a sharp glare. “Are you-“

“You’ve said your piece, Commander, now let me say mine,” she coolly interrupted him, not even dignifying him with a look. In fact, even though their reactions were understandable to a degree, F/N was no saint who could accept being accused right off the bat, after everything she’d brought to their table. She had no qualms with completely ignoring their existence, and it was highly opportune too – her brainpower had finally returned, and it was working at full speed.

“You want to blame me because it’s easy, because the other option is to once again point fingers at each other and that could be disastrous,” F/N spoke calmly. “And, honestly? I already agreed to move out of the picture for your piece of mind, and I’m not planning to go back on my word. But if you stop at that and think you solved it, you’re all, frankly, a bunch of morons.”

“Do elaborate on that.”

She eyed Reiner, the only one who had yet to pick a side. “I’m the only reason why you’re accessing this information in the first place. I could have revealed it to Baal a long time ago, and I could have told you heavens know what in regards to the contents of this letter, maybe even something that could lead you to annihilation. You still want to be suspicious of me? Fine. But for fuck’s sake, keep searching, because whoever tried to access my office has likely been doing it for a long time to check on my progress, and now the enemy probably knows what we know; based on how I know Baal, he’s going to launch an attack to prevent you from adopting any plan of action that could meddle with his intentions, and having a spy among the ranks will only turn it into a bigger disaster.”

Her inference was followed by a long stretch of silence, during which they all mulled over her words. At least they had enough dignity to do that.

“How do we know this isn’t a part of your plan?” Reiner eventually crossed his arms over his chest. “Pretend you need a year to decipher a single fucking letter, reveal its contents to us when it’s already too late and shove that in our faces so you can continue to sabotage us from the inside, while lying about your office being breached to make us suspect someone else? That’s what I would do, at least.”

“You see, F/N, you’re good. _Really_ good, I have to admit,” Pieck continued. “But we took the liberty to do something before we gathered here,” she eyed her fellow former Warriors and Commander, causing their counterparts to share confused glances.

“We gave a copy of the papers to someone else who claimed they could decipher them, and they said it would take a few hours at most,” Annie said bitingly and, as if on cue, there was a knock at the door.

Dalia entered, holding a sheet of paper in her hand and admittedly looking horrified. Her eyes darkened even more upon meeting F/N’s gaze, who was staring at her in shock, unable to understand what was happening.

Magath began to read the contents of the paper, and they were identical to what F/N had worked tirelessly to unveil. The sky came crashing down on her, from her inability to comprehend how in the world that girl had cracked the various, complex codes without any external aid, to the agonized expressions forming on the faces of those who had chosen to stand by her up until that point.

Including Levi.

His heart shattered in his chest, the blinding sting of betrayal making him dizzy. He stared at F/N, the woman he’d come to love with all his heart and soul, and it was all he could do to wonder whether this was just some sick, twisted joke, or the heartbreak and confusion on her face came from the same ruthlessness that she’d used to seduce him. He didn’t want to believe it, he wanted to fight everyone in that room to protect her – but where was the justification, when everything seemed to fall right into place? Who else could it be, now that he forcefully stomped on his feelings and looked at it objectively?

She’d had them all wrapped around her finger from the beginning, by revealing a crumb of information about the enemy. She’d pulled him in so masterfully, offering him everything he’d ever needed, everything he’d ever craved. She’d gained their trust flawlessly, being allowed to go out on her own way before her teammates. They’d all come to value her input on their most crucial plans, without any second thoughts. She could lie about anything, and they would all jump to come to her aid, believing her every word.

All of his memories with her flashed before his eyes almost spitefully, from the conversations shared over tea, to swimming in the sea, to giving each other their hearts and their bodies. That was all a ruse?

He felt so sick, to the point where he wanted to crawl into a corner and die.

“Seize her,” Magath gave the order, and it was only when Reiner and Annie brutally pulled her out of her chair that F/N finally found her voice.

“Dalia, how? How did you do it?!” was the first thing she managed to say, and then her eyes found Levi for a split second before she was shoved outside. Her heart fell, an icy shiver coursing through every inch of her body.

He wasn’t even looking at her.

“Wait! Levi, I didn’t-!”

The door slammed shut, and it took all of his strength to block the faint cries he could still hear.

“W-What’s going on?” Dalia asked confusedly, although obviously pleased by the fact that F/N had essentially been arrested before her eyes.

“You were right,” Levi spoke with murderous fury, shoving Hange’s hand off him when the scientist tried to offer her silent comfort. He settled his deadly glare on Dalia, his heart frozen. “Now talk.”

The brunette gazed around her, taking in all of their heavy, grim faces, and she sighed. “I would prefer it if the Hizuru Ambassador were here as well, but no bother. The situation is worse than I thought.”

She raised her chin proudly. “My real name is Shaimeh al-Faroqi, and based on my observations so far, I would like to propose an alliance between Marley, Hizuru and the Faroq tribes.”

* * *

Levi’s head felt like it was going to combust.

They’d urgently called for Kiyomi to come to HQ, and the Ambassador confirmed that, indeed, they were dealing with the daughter of the Faroq tribes’ highest chief. She’d been chosen by her father to gather information on the war near their borders, in order to decide whether or not it was necessary for them to intervene.

The tribes were largely nomadic and commercially driven, but Kiyomi had often told them about their unconventional, remarkable military. They weren’t particularly interested in conflicts on a large scale, and they generally offered all of their services at a monumentally high price, which was why they’d found it hopeless to ask for any kind of support thus far. Apparently, though, the Rumbling and the war that came after it had rung some alarm bells even in the far East, and as per Dalia’s – no, _Shaimeh’s_ statement, the threat of a weapon of mass destruction was enough reason for her nation to become involved.

She wasn’t a stellar spy and there was a considerable amount of nepotism that had led to her being there, it was plain for them all to see, but the girl had respected her main objective – never, under any circumstances, give the Starkans any clue that the tribes were considering military action against them. Her time in Paradise Island, spent largely around Floch and the other high-ranking Jaegerists, had allowed her to garner that the Starkans had a spy operating in Marley, and that was why she’d adamantly refused to reveal anything unless F/N was out of the picture. It hurt every fiber of Levi’s being to admit it, but she’d been right.

The Captain wanted to claw at his skin, the betrayal still raw and agonizing, but there was too much that had to be done. They were scrambling to assemble the diplomatic mission who was going to travel to the Faroq tribes, whilst Jean’s squad along with the remainder of Levi’s were ordered to gear up straight away and take Henry to a safe location. The brunet was taking no chances regarding that kid, and the HQ was no longer a secure place for him to be – not that it ever was, apparently. Every memory of F/N being around the prince made Levi want to bow to Historia’s feet and beg for forgiveness.

He wanted nothing more than to barge in her cell and scream at the top of his lungs, but his comrades forbade him from it. The rational side of Levi’s brain knew why – the last thing they needed was for F/N to attempt to dissuade him, to use his frustratingly ever present love for her in order to change his mind. The Captain _knew_ this, and yet he still couldn’t discern what was killing him more – her betrayal, or the fact that he most likely would never see her again, and he’d been unable to even give her one last glance.

How had it gone so wrong, in such a short time?

How had they laughed in each other’s arms that morning, and become enemies come noon?

On top of that, as if his own misery wasn’t enough, Levi now had to deal with F/N’s teammates’ questioning looks.

“Where is F/N?”

“Your orders are to relocate immediately,” he said through gritted teeth. It jarred him that he couldn’t go with them to protect Henry, but with Hange, Annie and Reiner staying behind in the capital, that left Levi, Pieck, Magath, Kiyomi and Shaimeh preparing to depart towards the tribes. “Are we clear?”

“Are you deaf?” was Anya’s instant response, with Adam crossing his arms over his chest beside her and Joey silently backing them up. “Or better yet, do you think we’re stupid? _Where_ is she?”

Levi returned her deadly glare with all of his pent-up fury. Out of all the soldiers he’d ever directly commanded, they were the least likely to obey him unquestioningly – normally, he could respect that, but now a part of him wanted to beat them all into submission. He couldn’t bear to even hear her name.

“Something must have happened for you to order us to move out with Henry,” Adam added, making Levi inwardly curse. Nothing escaped him. “And with the threat of a mole making the rounds around the base lately… don’t tell me-“

Joey gasped. “You have to be kidding me! Captain, F/N would never-“

“Shut your mouths right this instant,” Levi barked, dangerously close to losing his shit. “You’re going to do as you’re commanded, no questions asked. Where the fuck do you think you are?!”

“How low can you be, you piece of shit?” Anya growled, and the other two men had to physically restrain her. “I’m willing to bet my ass none of you have any real proof against her! She trusted- no, she _loved_ you, you fucker! How dare you turn your back on her like this?!”

“Captain, at least let us see her,” Joey spoke with less hatefulness, in an attempt to reach a compromise.

Levi, however, was too far gone to even consider it, and Adam caught on to that fact. He was the first of them to eye him in defeat, but not without resentment.

“I listened to you, when you told me I was making a mistake. If you’re worth any gram of my respect, you will listen to me when I tell you the same thing.”

The Captain was staring straight through them, unfeeling. The more they talked about her, the number he became.

Eventually, he turned to stone.

“You either move out, or you speak to a court-martial.”

* * *

“Do we have a confession yet?” Hange addressed Annie and Reiner, frowning at the sight of them washing blood off their hands. The scientist had taken it upon herself to deal with this situation in Levi’s stead, encouraging him to join the diplomatic mission while she stayed in the capital. The farther Hange could get him from F/N, the better.

She also hadn’t told him of Magath’s decision to authorize the two titan shifters to torture a confession out of her; Levi felt just as betrayed as everyone else, but Hange knew that it would still kill him to find out they were causing her pain.

“No,” Reiner answered darkly. “She just kept telling us to triple our security measures, since we’re going to be attacked. Now she won’t speak at all.”

“Sounds to me like she’s trying to keep us all in one place,” Annie said unfeelingly. “Baal probably knows that one of the first things on our agenda is to move Henry somewhere safe, but since she’s locked up, she can’t tell him where that is.”

Hange sighed, grimacing as she gazed towards the locked cell. “…I’ll be back in a few.”

She entered, the pungent smell of blood instantly hitting her nostrils. F/N was chained to the wall behind bars, but that seemed to be overkill considering her state. Multiple slashes were littering her skin, all of them bleeding; they were superficial enough not to make her bleed out too quickly, but the repetitive pain could make anyone lose their mind eventually. If she ever healed, her body would be completely covered in scars.

F/N’s eyes, normally witty and kind, were staring through Hange, as if she couldn’t even see her. The scientist’s chest hurt at the sight, but she had to remind herself that F/N was no longer – had _never been_ – a friend. Most of all, Hange was heartbroken over Levi – he’d finally found a semblance of happiness, and it had to end up like this.

“Why won’t you confess? It will all end much quicker if you do. There’s no point dragging it along any longer.”

F/N’s gaze slowly moved until it settled on her. She was broken beyond any physical wounds, as if she’d already died but her body had yet to follow. “…I know that it would make you feel better, Hange. But I’m sorry. I can’t take the blame for something I never did.”

Hange swallowed tightly – there was a reason why Reiner and Annie had been tasked with the job. It was scary, how this woman could make almost anyone believe her.

“At this point… I’m done talking anyway,” F/N mused, for herself more than Hange. “It’s funny how I’m the traitor just because someone was better than me,” she chuckled humorlessly, feeling the bitter prick of being let down behind her eyelids, but refusing to cry. “…Maybe this will bring you some peace of mind. I can’t… seem to bring myself to care if you all die. Not anymore. You’re all dead to me. So blame me for that, and sleep well tonight.”

Her words were cutting, but F/N had had all the time in the world to think them through. All the slashes of her skin reminded her of going through the same thing at Baal’s order – were they any different, after all? No one seemed to have any second thoughts. No one came to talk to her until Hange appeared, most of all not Levi.

They all felt betrayed by her, and she felt betrayed by them all. Levi? The man whom she’d given all she had to give? He hadn’t even looked at her whilst she was being dragged towards the dungeons, he hadn’t once set foot inside her cell. Not even to scream at her, to show one damn emotion, and most definitely not to tell her that he believed in her still, and he wouldn’t stop searching for the real threat.

All the fears that she’d blamed on her own restless mind? All that effort to convince herself that _no_ , he _did_ care, he wouldn’t just point his finger at her and leave her to die? That her feelings _did_ matter, that _she_ mattered beyond the services she could offer?

She’d been wrong, and so naïve, so stupid. That was never the case.

There was a fine line between love and hate, they said, but F/N couldn’t even find any hatred within her any longer. She just wanted to close her eyes and die – and if the whole world died with her, then so be it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, all! I just want to say a big thank you for all the feedback last week T.T I've had a very busy week so I was crappy at replying which I apologize for, but as soon as I settle down a little I'll get back to any comments I may have missed! It's extremely appreciated, and once again I'm sorry for the pain of last chapter! Sending big hugs to all of you and letting you know I'm so deeply honored that you've become invested in my story! Hope you enjoy this short, but packed chapter as well!

“They sure like to stare,” Pieck murmured under her breath, the first one to say anything ever since they left Marley. It had been a tense, incredibly somber trip, with no one daring to say a word ever since Kiyomi made the mistake to express her own opinion regarding F/N. The Ambassador had argued that, while F/N had her own reasons to hold a grudge against her, she’d known her longer than any of them and she had no reason to support Baal’s regime in any way.

Shaimeh had brutally questioned whether Kiyomi was looking for an alliance with F/N instead of the Faroq tribes, and if Levi was closed off before, now they all feared even saying a word in his vicinity.

Their destination was much more… extravagant than most of them had expected, to the point where they stuck out like a sore thumb and attracted many glances, hence Pieck’s observation. For a people who could basically pack up their own homes and leave, they sure liked to play with their malleable architecture. All the buildings were brightly colored, intricate artwork adorning the columns that looked much heavier than they actually were. The main street leading to the high chief’s residence was essentially a huge bazaar, with colorfully dressed vendors advertising their products viva voce.

Many, however, stopped to respectfully bow as Shaimeh passed them, and the girl’s demeanor was entirely different from what they’d grown used to. The chipper, slightly coquettish and a little bit self-absorbed Dalia was nothing like the haughty princess that was now leading the way. None of them said anything of the matter, since it essentially worked out in their favor, but it was still grating to find out they’d failed to identify not one, but _two_ undercover agents amongst them. Levi’s brain, although foggy with heartbreak, conjured his memories of F/N mentioning that there was something not quite right about her, yet nothing that spoke of intentions to sabotage; he couldn’t help but curse to himself – the lines between truth and lies were so blurred when it came to F/N and he very nearly hated her for it. He wished he could just fully accept she was a traitor and turn his heart to stone, but her betrayal was proven by a mere twist of fate, and thus he was unable to completely slaughter the part of him that still retained a desperate wish to believe in her.

The chief’s residence was almost ridiculously massive, and nearly all of the complex decorations were made of gold. As soon as they walked in, they were greeted by the sight of a large pond surrounded by flowers, where a man and several women were unabashedly frolicking in stark nakedness. There were other women standing on the sides, fully dressed and carrying trays of fruit and beverages.

Upon their presence being announced, the man in the pool, who was fairly robust in build and looked to be about sixty, rose from the water with a large smile. He opened his arms for Shaimeh, seemingly unbothered by the droplets showering down his skin or his state of undress, and loudly spoke a language that none of them except Kiyomi were familiar with.

Levi’s face was frozen, but deep down he was more than disgusted. He wasn’t inclined to go out of his way to respect cultural differences on a good day – on a day as awful as this, on the other hand, he _really_ was not in the mood to come eye to eye with some asshole’s flapping dick.

“Welcome, welcome,” the chief finally spoke Marleyan, his joyous disposition painfully clashing with theirs. Pieck and Kiyomi luckily saved the situation, offering their pleasantries without Levi and Magath having to speak.

The man finally had one of the maids wrap a ridiculously high-quality towel around his midsection, and he invited them into a spacious indoor salon. The air was laden with a flavorful smoke and they were seated on some admittedly comfortable pillows, whilst two young women dutifully served tea.

Uncharacteristically, Levi was not in the least bit interested in the beverage. Instead, the two maids caught his eye – they were dressed in local attire, which was apparently both colorful and revealing, but they didn’t fit the physical standards of Faroqi population at all. In fact, there was something strangely familiar about them, but the Captain couldn’t put his finger on it.

“Now,” the chief sighed, smoking out of a decidedly bizarre device and blowing out large amounts of pomegranate-flavored steam. “I have to say it’s a shame for us to be in this situation. We Faroquis have always been a good commercial partner to Starke.”

“Both legally and illegally, yes,” Kiyomi cleverly inferred, not without a bit of spite. Hizuru had always desired to be more economically influent on the international stage, but following trade laws had annoyingly hindered that. The Azumabito clan specifically was very much interested in profit, but slavery and organ trafficking was too low even for them.

The chief smirked. “Ah, but that’s unfair, Ambassador. The tribes have never signed any international economic deals. We answer to our own laws only, and trade with the partners of our choosing. That makes our endeavors perfectly legal.”

“Forget that,” Levi intervened impatiently. He wasn’t there to listen to diplomatic bickering. “We’re all in the same boat right now. We’re facing the threat of a weapon of mass destruction, the kind that nearly wiped out humanity centuries ago. Are you going to help us or not?”

“Oh, I like him,” the chief addressed Shaimeh. “Has that gruff spirit we like here, even though he’s short as sin. Do you want me to get him for you, dear?”

The girl had the decency to blush. “Daddy, not a good time,” she hissed. “Captain Levi is right. We need to do something.”

“And we will,” he said, his voice deeper and more serious. “Partners or not, we do not take well to being under threat without any reassurance. We’ll destroy both Starke and Paradise Island, and since the situation is so dire, we can discuss payment afterwards.”

They blanched.

“Payment?” Magath said through his teeth. “We could all end up being wiped out, and you want _payment_?”

“And both of those countries are to be freed from their corrupt rulers, not destroyed,” added Levi. “Millions of people are being oppressed. They did nothing wrong, they don’t deserve to die.”

The chief hummed in thought. “That… is going to be more expensive, but it can be profitable in the long run, I’ll admit. After all, we can’t trade with parched land, and Starkan maids are my favorites,” he smiled at the two girls in the room, and suddenly they all shared alarmed glances among each other. Levi’s head began to ring.

“Oh, don’t worry. They don’t speak Marleyan,” the chief misunderstood their reactions, whilst Levi wracked his brain to put together the bits and pieces of the Starkan language F/N had taught him.

“What are your names?” he managed to ask them, his heart racing. Their twin pairs of brown eyes met each other in surprise and hesitation, but when the chief shrugged, giving them permission to speak, they did.

“Olivia and Sophia Tesla.”

* * *

Hange rubbed her tired eyes. She hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep the previous night.

There was the anxiety-inducing wait for news regarding the Faroq tribes, the knowledge that most of their best soldiers were either hiding in a remote cabin with Henry or were out of the country, and the haunting words F/N had said to her. After she told Reiner and Annie to leave her alone, since they weren’t getting anything out of her, the two titan shifters took to making sure the HQ functioned normally. Henry’s relocation and the envoy they’d sent off were both top secret actions, and the last thing they needed was for the other soldiers to start asking questions.

While she was grateful for Annie and Reiner’s involvement, Hange felt like she had way too much time on her hands. There was an ominous feeling in her stomach, and she couldn’t shake it no matter what she did. She also felt inhuman for essentially leaving F/N to rot away in her cell, with no food and water, but she couldn’t find a way around that without a fight breaking out with the former Warriors. They were wary of her, she could tell, and they followed her every move; they had their own experience as spies to lean on, and that unfortunately left them unwilling to make even the smallest compromise, knowing that they would have taken full advantage of it in F/N’s situation.

As such, tasking Falco and Gabi with bringing F/N food and water in utmost secrecy was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because at least Hange didn’t feel like the lowest being in the world anymore, and a curse because it dropped another load of stress on her shoulders. The kids had been heartbroken by the news, and while they really were the very last trustworthy people Hange could lean on in that moment, she worried that they’d do something stupid and impulsive.

She jolted when the telephone in Magath’s office began to ring, scrambling to pick it up.

“Yes?”

_“Commander!”_ Onyakopon’s voice thundered on the other line, making her blood run cold. _“We’ve intercepted Starkan war planes at the border! We need to strengthen our defenses immediately – we’re under attack!”_

* * *

“They’re coming back with us,” Levi said, his tone brimming with unquestionable finality. When the chief raised his eyebrows in disbelief, the Captain only graced him with a glare. “These girls’ father is under my direct command. Do you have any idea what your ‘commerce’ is doing to people? Being away from them almost killed him!”

His comrades were scrambling to find a way to dissuade the gravely situation, but it was ultimately Shaimeh who gasped in realization of what was happening. She eyed her father pleadingly.

“Daddy, I know the man he’s speaking of. It’s true. Let them have them back, please?”

The chief glanced at his daughter in a wholly unimpressed way. “What has your time away done to you? You know how much they cost. I’m not the type of man to give my property away just like that.”

“Property? You treat _people_ like they’re your property?” Pieck spat with disgust.

“Then I’ll buy them from you,” Shaimeh quickly cut her off. If anything, it seemed her time among other people _had_ changed some of her views, but she wasn’t in a position to openly contradict her father. “They can be my gift to them, since these people did save my life.”

He grunted, weighing it over. However, they were interrupted by a soldier barging in, his head bowed as he handed a piece of paper to the chief.

“My apologies, chief. A telegram from Marley.”

They eyed each other with trepidation whilst the chief scanned it over – that was definitely not a part of their plan.

“It seems your country is under attack.”

“What?!” Magath exclaimed, the first to whirl out of his seat. Their blood curdled, and Levi’s hands began to tremble as F/N’s words loudly pounded in his head.

_‘Based on how I know Baal, he’s going to launch an attack to prevent you from adopting any plan of action that could meddle with his intentions.’_

“We need to get back to Marley, and we need you to back us up,” said Pieck, trying her best to keep her cool, but her voice still came out shaky. “There will be no alliance and no payment if they wipe us out now.”

“That is a good point,” the chief barked out an order for his underlings to prepare the troops for departure, placing a hand on Shaimeh’s shoulder when he noticed how unsettled she was. “I prepared for something like this ever since you sent us Baal’s letter, dearest. I may be getting old, but my battle instincts are still fresh.”

Levi was hit by a crippling pang of nausea.

“Oi…What do you mean, sent Baal’s letter?” he almost didn’t even make any sense, his head spinning.

Shaimeh cocked her head in confusion. “To have it deciphered. I had my own equipment to be able to send information back home, obviously.”

Kiyomi took in a sharp breath, whilst Magath and Pieck froze in place, finally catching on.

“You… didn’t decipher it yourself?”

“What? Of course not!” the princess blurted out, flabbergasted by the mere idea. “It was a risk I took, but I knew you wouldn’t be able to decode it and that it could be something important. You need an advanced decoding machine to decipher texts that are encrypted like that – no one could possibly do it by themselves.”

Levi lost his balance, tripping on his own feet.

They’d been wrong. So, so wrong, and none of them more so than him. They’d all been blinded by a stubborn refusal to suspect one of their own again, and in his inner battle of love and duty, Levi had been so terrified that love would win, that he ended up failing at both.

“Oh, God, it wasn’t her,” Pieck breathed out what they were all thinking, the real weight of the situation crashing down on them all.

They’d wrongly accused F/N, Marley was now under attack with its main soldiers scattered, and there was still a spy among them.

* * *

“You need to eat, you guys,” Joey tried to coax his teammates, having taken it upon himself to cook. Anya and Adam hadn’t said a single word to the others, choosing to isolate themselves instead. They were making it crystal clear that the only reason they were cooperating was their shared concern for Henry’s safety.

Even though the space was pretty cramped, they’d seated themselves at a different table than the others – not that Jean’s squad had a better appetite. Mikasa and Armin were the only ones picking at their food, with Connie having offered to help the prince fall asleep and Jean pacing around the room stressfully.

“Not in the mood, Joey,” Anya replied, her lip curling in disgust as she glared at the other squad. “Certain sights kill my appetite.”

Jean finally lost his patience. “You’re acting like you’re the only ones affected by this!” he exclaimed angrily, his voice laden with hurt and betrayal. “You weren’t there, you don’t know the evidence-“

“Jean,” Mikasa quickly cut him off. They weren’t supposed to reveal anything beyond their mission to protect Henry; Levi’s squad, due to their attachment to F/N, hadn’t even been told about the diplomatic mission.

“All I know is you’re all a bunch of ungrateful fucks,” Anya retorted spitefully. “F/N taught me how to forgive two-timing bastards like you, but I _wish_ she never forgives you.”

“That’s not like her. And I hope you all realize your mistake before it’s too late, but…,” Adam said, his eyes misty. He wasn’t angry like his teammate – instead, they all gazed at him in shock when he wiped the corner of his eye with his sleeve. “…It feels like I lost another daughter.”

“Adam…” all traces of fury disappeared from Anya’s face, replaced with compassion for her teammate. She pulled the older man into a hug, ignoring everyone else.

Jean ran a hand through his messy locks in frustration, while Mikasa and Armin shared a dismayed look. They’d felt this exact same way one too many times, and it never became easier.

A strange sound cut through the tension, however, and their eyes collectively widened. Soon enough, Connie was rushing down the stairs, Henry in tow, and he practically bolted outside to look at the sky. The noise only became louder, and the others followed suit. Their mouths fell open, dread setting in.

A sea of war planes was flying above their heads.

“Shit! Connie, get Henry back inside, now! We need to get all our shit and get the fuck out of here, they could drop bombs on us at any time!”

Connie scrambled to do just that, except he crashed into Joey, who was standing in the door frame.

“Oi, this isn’t the time to be bitter, you piece of shit! Move out of the way!”

His angered growls were drowned by the sound of two thuds, which seemed to echo louder than the myriad of roaring engines above their heads.

“Mikasa! Armin!” Jean screamed, watching in horror as they both suddenly collapsed to the ground. Anya and Adam hurried to help him lift their convulsing forms into an upright position, only to gasp in terror. Their faces were blue, their mouths open wide and foaming. Jean lost his mind.

“What the fuck?! Oi, oi, hold on! Don’t you dare die on me! Joey, we need medical assistance!”

They looked at their only medic in desperation, only to see him standing straight, unmoving. Tears were falling from his cerulean eyes, and he was holding his palm up for them to see; it was sliced open, and steaming.

“Give me the child and no one else gets hurt.”

* * *

She heard it all going on outside. The planes, the bombs, the screaming.

The slashes on her skin had already stopped bleeding, forming crusted lines of dull pain. A part of her brain surmised that Annie and Reiner had gone easy on her despite everything – they could have done much worse – but then again that meant she wasn’t dying anytime soon. F/N had spent all night praying that she would just bleed out, and yet fate seemingly had other plans.

She hadn’t touched the food and water that Falco and Gabi brought her in the morning, and she hadn’t uttered a word to them. F/N couldn’t stand to see the disappointment most likely etched into their faces as well, so she’d kept her eyes closed, blocking whatever it was that they’d said. The mere sight of them had ripped her heart out of her chest, even when F/N thought she was done feeling; those two had done nothing to wrong her, just like every other innocent civilian dying outside, her teammates, all the good men and women serving in the Marleyan military and risking their lives to rebel in Paradise Island and Starke. She cursed herself as the tears continued to roll down her cheeks. She cursed herself, because she’d lied to Hange’s face and to herself.

She cared still.

The young woman tested the handcuffs chaining her to the wall, sighing when it became apparent that even the simplest movement was impossible. Why was she trying to break free, anyway? What would she do? Run to the comrades who’d chained her in the first place, stubbornly offering her help in spite of everything? Find something sharp to end her own misery and let them all deal with the mess she’d tried to warn them about?”

F/N didn’t know.

And yet, she tenaciously blinked the moisture away from her eyes in order to focus on her bindings. It was a key-driven mechanism, which wasn’t ideal, but still easier to deal with than the more advanced immobilizing technology the Starkans had at their disposal. How bitterly ironic, F/N mused, that she found herself using techniques taught to her by a country she’d betrayed, to escape the chains of a nation who’d betrayed her.

It was painstaking and painful work, every move hurting her tender skin and the process taking too damn long, but eventually she finally got the cuffs to click. She sighed in relief, the pressure finally gone, and she moved to rise to her wobbly feet in order to get started on unlocking her cell.

However, F/N swore under her breath when she heard the sound of approaching footsteps, quickly getting back into her initial position and pretending she was still chained to the wall. She’d assumed they were all too busy scrambling to organize their defenses to check on her, yet apparently that wasn’t the case.

The former spy squinted as the door creaked open, no longer accustomed to the light. She made out the contours of a tall, robust man and inwardly cursed her luck, thinking it was Reiner again.

The voice that greeted her, though, did not belong to Reiner.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk, F/N… Look what they’ve done to you.”

Her E/C eyes narrowed into slits, finally taking him in. The same pale skin, hazel eyes and pitch black hair, with a neatly groomed beard to match. He hadn’t changed at all.

“…Long time no see, Victor.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where do I start lmao  
> First of all, thank you all so much for the feedback and I am so so sorry I haven't managed to find the time to reply the past weeks, I've just been on the go go go nonstop. It's so highly treasured and appreciated though and no comment will be left unanswered in the end, please bear w me <3  
> Second, here is the product of my frantic writing journey of the past hours, as the universe felt the need to teach me to BACKUP MY DAMN DOCUMENTS by making my laptop die last night, thus having me lose all things from uni assignments to the rest of the chapters of this story :3 Dw, I'll rewrite everything and the updates will continue as usual, but damn that took me on a rollercoaster. BACKUP YOUR FILES EVERYONE, DONT BE SILLY LIKE ME OK?  
> Now, on to this baby which eerily felt like a last min school assignment <3

“I hear your new friends aren’t doing very well,” Victor spoke with such leisure, as if he couldn’t hear the blasting sounds of the ongoing battle outside. He twirled a key in his hand, and easily used it to unlock her cell, crouching down in front of her. F/N didn’t have the time, in that moment, to worry about how he’d come into that item’s possession; her mind was in overdrive, her self-preservation instinct squandering all suicidal thoughts. Her confusion was finally pierced by a striking bolt of clarity: nothing else was certain, but she adamantly _refused_ to die at this man’s hand.

“Are they really your friends, though, I have to wonder?” Victor stared straight into her eyes, so close to her face that she could feel his breath, making her nauseous. All of her defense mechanisms kicked in, and F/N stubbornly held his gaze with icy coolness. “It wasn’t even my intention for them to accuse you of treason like this. Thankfully they didn’t hurt you too much, I see. You should be fine, though sadly not as beautiful.”

“And what’s it to you? I hear you want to annihilate all of us anyway.”

He cocked his head, the few wrinkles on his features crimping up with amused surprise. F/N wanted to gouge his eyes out. “What gave you that idea?”

She fought to control the fire burning in her throat, aching to scream at the top of her lungs. That had never been the way to get information out of him, though. Even after such a long time, she still knew what made this man tick.

“What else could you be doing with a weapon of mass destruction? There’s a reason why it has been kept a secret for all these centuries – so that sick madmen like you never get their hands on it.”

“Oh, F/N,” he chuckled. “You think I’m such a monster, don’t you? No wonder you betrayed me. I was hurt for a long time after that, you know, but I suppose it’s my fault after all. I should have told you more about myself.”

F/N’s skin tingled with the urge to break free of her pretended restraints and jump at his throat, but it wasn’t the time. Not yet. She’d made the mistake to act hastily once before, and she wasn’t planning to lose her second chance to the same error.

“Then what do you want? And how in the world did you find out about it?”

Victor sighed, sitting cross-legged on the floor. “I’d prefer it if I told you all that on our way back to Starke, but I think I understand you better now. You’ll keep fighting me until you know, won’t you? And it’s no bother. Everyone will be busy for quite a while now, anyway.”

He had such a scattered, monologue-like manner of speech, as well as an eerie need to make himself liked, approved, _‘understood’_ in whatever way he considered to be right. Those were the first signs that had led F/N to think Victor was a twisted psychopath, with a dangerous intuition and intelligence to match those tendencies. He was a narcissist, unable to comprehend that his forceful encounters with her had never been consensual, that he wasn’t the possessor of universal righteousness, that his military actions were bringing carnage, not progress.

Victor’s different approaches and personality had started out by making him charismatic, then powerful, and then feared. F/N hadn’t missed the feeling of being constantly on edge, which was inevitable around him and which had caused her long-term mental damage.

“F/N, my goal has always been _peace_ ,” he spoke with such conviction that it made bile rise up her throat. “All the wars between nations, and then the Rumbling… they made me realize that people will always keep fighting each other unless they are united under one rule. Eren Jaeger was right about that in a way, but he did it wrong – he tried to make all people unite against one enemy. But that will never work in the long term. What we all need is stable, wise and powerful _rulers_ creating generations and generations of their own kind, to lead the entire world into eternal _peace_.”

Just then, the booming noise of an aerial missile made the entire building jolt.

“But this is such a new, innovative way of life, F/N, and most people are sheep,” he continued, the bitter irony lost on him. “They’ll fight change. It has to be forced on them – but then their children and grandchildren will thank them for surrendering.”

“What does this eternal peace of yours have to do with a weapon that nearly wiped out humanity?”

Victor’s face brightened unexpectedly, and F/N had to force herself not to oust herself by breaking out of her cuffs to punch him when he began kissing her face like a madman. “ _That_ is the reason why I have forgiven you, F/N, for everything. Thanks to you revealing that, we don’t have to continue to kill those opposing us much longer,” he spoke with genuine enthusiasm. “I don’t want to _use_ it - goodness, I would never. But having it, F/N, _having_ it will discourage anyone from ever fighting back again. They will surrender as soon as the weapon is complete, and we can finally, _finally_ have peace.”

Her face turned white with shock, mouth falling open. “You… have to be kidding me…”

“Do you see now?” Victor eyed her with a large smile, thinking her reaction was positive. “I’m creating a masterpiece, F/N.”

“You are _mad,_ ” she countered shakily, still in disbelief. Victor’s face fell with disappointment, like _she_ was the one who had yet to understand. “You want peace, when a weapon like that exists? That’s _fear_ , Victor, and people have never remained docile while afraid for long. There will be attempts to steal it, destroy it, replicate it, there will be unrest among populations, and there will be nutcases even crazier than you, who will _use_ it!”

“ _Fear_ gets things done!” he snarled, angry all of a sudden. “ _Fear_ got Starke to accept the restrictions imposed by this war, _fear_ got Forster to accept my future leadership over Paradise Island, _fear_ got a simple, but genius boy to become my most prized spy and _fear_ will prevent anyone from destroying the world in the future!”

It was hopeless to try to argue with him, F/N realized, so she clung to whatever she could. “…A boy?”

Victor smirked, already back to normal. “Oh, he’s the best I’ve ever seen. Even better than you. Not even you could spot him,” he said with pride. “You know, it was hard to decide who to inherit the Beast Titan from Zeke Jaeger, especially since we were tight on time.”

“…You killed Zeke Jaeger?”

“Huh? Of course I did,” he snorted. “Forster was by far the better option, stupid and so much easier to control. Anyway, I had the coup d’état and the Rumbling to worry about, with no good candidates that had Eldian blood… except this one kid in Shiganshina. He’d grown up in a family of doctors, but his parents were dead ever since the first breach of Wall Maria. So he had to manage, getting better in medicine, but also using more… covert means. He had four other mouths to feed, after all.”

The pieces began to click in F/N’s mind, and her breath left her lungs.

It couldn’t be.

“When I arrived there, he fooled me into thinking he was one of my own damn soldiers until he managed to get his siblings out of there. He searched the buildings per my order, talked to my other soldiers in perfect Starkan…Not even my generals caught onto it until we found the body of the sergeant the boy had killed to take his uniform. I realized I had to have him, and I had all my men searching for him. We had the perfect leverage too – he would do anything to protect his siblings, after all.”

Her head pounded with flashbacks, with all the things she had missed.

Joey claimed he couldn’t speak Eldian… _because F/N would notice his native accent_.

He bumped into her during the night, presumably to use the restroom… _when he was actually roaming the HQ in search for information_.

Forster had him at gunpoint in the Underground not because he appeared to be a stupid beggar who couldn’t speak… _but because Baal’s agent was not helping the Jaegerist forces while they were under attack_.

The story of her office being breached finally made sense, because Joey knew the HQ through and through by the time it happened, and being a titan shifter allowed him to leave no physical traces.

He’d been the only one of the four renegades coming out of those sewers with no visible injury.

He’d been interrogated before her, and he’d patted her shoulder before she entered Levi’s office.

“…You had him place a bug on me after observing what kind of equipment the Marleyans were using,” F/N breathed, her voice coming out in a whisper. She wanted to claw at her skin right then – how had she failed to see it?!

Victor frowned at her visibly heartbroken expression, tapping her cheek. “Now I must say, don’t be too angry with him. For what’s worth, I had to threaten his family multiple times for him to go along with all this, but that’s why fear is useful,” he hummed. “And I wasn’t planning to treat you so nicely, either, while getting _your_ job done. You should thank him for getting to enjoy the experience.”

F/N choked. “W-What?”

“Oh, don’t tell me you didn’t. Little Marie had you and your beloved Captain so drugged that I’m sure you had the time of your life while procreating – as jealous as that makes me. I only wanted a drug to fortify his semen, but Joey added aphrodisiacs to it. You didn’t notice that either, did you? You wouldn’t expect us to be able to put drugs in ice, and _what a drug_ it was. Felt like nothing more than a nasty hangover, didn’t it?”

She collapsed against the wall, her body going limp. It was too much to handle, from Victor’s insanity to Joey’s true identity and now this. It made her sick, so _sick_ that Baal had had a hand in that encounter between her and Levi, as much as the simple thought of the Captain tore through her chest. At the same time, her head was ringing with the implications of it, to the point where F/N didn’t even have it in her to ask any more questions.

Not that Baal needed her to.

“You thought I’d let you frolic with the enemy without completing your original mission? Come _on_ , F/N,” he grunted, reaching out as if to begin removing her cuffs. “That’s enough talking for now. We’re going back to Starke, so we can get started working on that little thing growing inside you.”

“Hands off her, or I’ll blow your brains out.”

They both turned their heads, and F/N gasped in horror upon seeing Gabi, bloodied from head to toe with steam rising from the liquid. She was holding a rifle in her arms, its tip aimed straight towards Victor’s head.

“Get out of here, Gabi!” F/N screamed out even as she carefully reached down to steal Baal’s pistol, while he was still distracted. Her mere presence had F/N overcoming her shock, the need to save Gabi _and_ herself replacing it.

“Miss F/N, I heard everything!” the younger girl cried out in response, her eyes brimming with tears. “They won’t let me fight with the others, they won’t let me help Falco out there, but I’ll be damned if I let this vile man lay a hand on you!”

“Well, aren’t you a feisty little one,” Victor chuckled, his hand searching for the weapon normally attached to his hip. Instead, he looked down in surprise, only to come face to face with his own revolver being pointed at his face.

“Stand up,” F/N coolly instructed.

“F/N, you’re being ridiculous- agh!”

He doubled over, wheezing in pain from the bullet that had embedded itself in his thigh.

“Stand up, or the next one hits you in the dick,” she said just as unfeelingly, her eyes tracing Victor’s form whilst he obeyed, cursing her and stumbling at the same time.

“Shut up. Turn around, put your hands on the wall,” F/N brutally shoved him on with the barrel of the gun, resting it on the back of his neck. “Where is the weapon being constructed?”

“Y-You bitch,” Victor sneered. “How stupid are you?”

“I’m not,” she said levelly. “Your underlings can hear you through radio station, and they are on their way to save your ass. That gives me about three minutes to blow your head off if you don’t _fucking_ tell me where you’re building the bloody weapon.”

F/N waited one second before shooting him again when he didn’t offer a reply.

“Raghh! The library! It’s in the library!”

She knocked him out cold in one move, just like Levi had taught her, and immediately hurried to grab Gabi’s hand and drag the girl away from the dungeons, running as fast as her battered body allowed her.

“Why didn’t you kill him?!”

“Because if Victor dies today, there will be no more Marley come tomorrow,” F/N panted, her E/C eyes meeting Gabi’s. Maybe her words and trajectory were an echo of the pleading and urgency shimmering in the younger girl’s eyes, or perhaps her state of shock had her running on autopilot, but F/N finally seemed to decide on what to do.

It was what she’d always done, in spite of everything. And somehow, it felt more natural each time.

She was not giving up.

“Gabi, I need you to hurry up and get everyone as far away from HQ as possible. They’ll bomb the hell out of it once they extract Victor.”

“Miss F/N, wait! Reiner is-“

“I got it,” she nodded. “That’s where Victor got the key from and it’s his blood on you, isn’t it? Do you know where he is?”

“He’s right up the stairs here,” Gabi said in a shaky voice, and true to her word, they were soon met with pools of steaming blood and bits of flesh once they ascended from the dungeons. F/N frowned at the organs and body parts that still had yet to regrow on Reiner’s body, giving Gabi a nod of reassurance as she ran off, before kneeling next to Reiner’s head. He’d been attacked from behind with rifles, it seemed, and Victor ruthlessly had him shot until his body was a mess, knowing that Reiner wouldn’t transform in fear of killing his own comrades in the building.

“…Where’s your consciousness? In your spine?” F/N inquired quietly, hoping to all deities that he could give her an answer. Her own grudges were momentarily compartmentalized in the face of all the surrounding madness, as well as the other concerns that were taking up all the space in her mind – such as the fact that she was _pregnant_.

“…Y-Yea-ah…”

She sighed in relief, picking his head and attached spine up from the floor and breaking into a sprint. F/N figured that Victor’s underlings would opt for the shortest route in order to rescue their commander as soon as possible, so she took the risk to run towards the other, farther exit. She was in no position to become a sniper target – or worse, a capture target.

The blood curdling sound of an incoming bomb boomed above her head, and F/N gritted her teeth as she practically leapt outside of the HQ and darted towards the nearest building that could shelter them from the impact.

“You owe me big time, asshole,” she hissed just before the bomb made impact, closing her eyes and praying that she’d gotten them both far enough away. F/N screamed as she was hurled in the air, a scorching heat at her back and a deafening crash almost making her cry – as much as she’d prayed for it, she couldn’t die, not then, not with an innocent child barely even coming to existence inside her.

The young woman was too scared to open her eyes even after the world quieted down, and it was only Reiner’s gruff voice that prompted her to do so.

“Hope… this makes up… for some of it,” he managed to choke out. F/N gasped, realizing that he’d used whatever strength he still had to manifest the head and spine of his titan into existence, protecting them both with the carcass.

“Reiner… we need to get you somewhere safe to recover,” she scrambled to pull him out of his titan form. “Can you talk? What’s the situation? Is Henry alright? Where are the others?”

“Annie... Falco… fighting. Hange… command.”

“And the rest of them?” F/N groaned, her head resting against a sturdy wall inside one of the buildings that was still intact. She’d have to wait there until Reiner healed, since she had no equipment and was unable to do anything in her state; she just hoped Gabi had managed to evacuate in time. “Where are Magath, Jean, Armin, Mikasa? My squad? Levi?”

The blond winced, his head shifting in her lap until he could open his eyes to meet her gaze. “Not here. We… fucked up.”

* * *

“This has to be a sick joke!” Connie yelled, cradling the prince in his arms protectively. His eyes were filling with tears as he stared at Joey. “Can’t you see we’re in a crisis?! Mikasa and Armin need your help! Stop shitting us!”

“…Connie, get away from him,” Anya spoke quietly, but her grip on his shoulder was more than firm when she pulled him behind her. Her wide brown eyes were transfixed, glued to her teammate’s steaming palm. “Look at his hand.”

“What did you do to them, you piece of shit?!” Jean howled. Armin’s entire body had begun steaming, a sign that his body was healing from the poison, but Mikasa’s condition was only getting worse and it was making Jean lose his head completely. Her dark eyes, normally so cool and collected, were bloodshot and wide in her fruitless attempt to convey to her lover that he needed to calm the fuck down if she were to have any chances of survival. The poison was ruthless and choking, closing her airways with each passing second.

“I had no choice,” Joey replied shakily, his own eyes swimming with regretful tears. “I’m sorry, I really am! Give Henry to me and I promise I won’t hurt any more of you.”

“Joey, you don’t have to do this,” Adam tried to reason. “You didn’t have to do any of it. If it’s your family you’re worried about, then we’ll keep them safe. Just… heal these two, and come back with us.”

“ _Who_ will keep them safe?” he laughed bitterly. “ _Marley_? Marley has nothing but good intentions and no means to back them up! The only reason Marley is still standing is because you improved their technology and F/N brought them some sense! Look at them now, fucking up because their chain of command consists of exhausted veterans and emotional kids! I’m not like you, Adam. I can’t put the wellbeing of the world above the wellbeing of my loved ones. I’m sorry.”

“We need to move out,” Anya intervened, practically dragging them all behind her and immediately taking charge upon seeing that Jean was not currently functional. “Now!”

They flew off using their gear, with Connie carrying both Armin and a frightened, crying Henry, and Jean desperately clinging to Mikasa. Anya and Adam shared a meaningful glance, whilst a blinding lightning bolt crashed into the ground behind them. A towering form appeared, almost reaching high enough to graze the incoming aircrafts.

Connie stared in shock. “The Beast Titan? H-How?!”

“Hey kids, listen up,” Adam interrupted him. His expression had lost all traces of remorse or resentment – instead, he looked resigned. “How and why doesn’t matter right now. That flash of lightning has alerted the incoming troops to our location. They won’t shoot in fear of killing Henry, but they’ll try to capture you. You need to fly through the forest to limit their visibility, and get to the capital as soon as possible to save Mikasa and keep Henry safe.”

“What about you guys?”

Anya did not quite offer a smile, but her gaze softened. “No hard feelings in the end, if that’s fine with you. I’m not one to judge people for their mistakes and then fail to own up to mine. Joey fooled you all, but no one was more fooled than those of us who were his teammates.”

Jean’s eyes widened, catching on to their intentions a second before Connie. “Wait-“

“Being out of the planes’ range won’t help you if the Beast Titan catches you. Go!” Adam yelled at them, stopping in the air along with Anya to change direction and fly towards the Beast Titan. They only looked back once, and that was to make sure Jean and Connie were maneuvering towards the forest at top speed. The two renegades unsheathed their blades, offering each other a nod.

“I can’t say I’m too excited for this, but I’m okay with the person I turned out to be. You at peace with everything, pops?”

Adam grunted. “I wish I could live to do more and I wish we didn’t have to fight _him_ , but overall… I’m fine.”

This time, she did smile. He didn’t tell her the greatest regret he was taking to his grave, but he didn’t need to. “You’re a boss ass old sport, Adam. I’d be the proudest bitch in town if you were my dad.”

He cracked a lopsided grin. “You already are the proudest bitch in town, Anya.”

Jean and Connie looked behind them, to see two foreigners attacking a man that shared their Eldian blood, in order to protect them. They looked behind them, to see Joey barely fighting back against the onslaught, tears of frustration breaking through the menacing aura of the Beast Titan.

They looked behind them, to see Anya and Adam defeated not by their dear friend, but by a sea of bullets fired by their own countrymen.

* * *

The Faroqi air force was flying above his head, launching a counterattack. A flash of lightning signaled Pieck’s transformation. Magath had already taken on his commanding role as soon as he met a platoon of his soldiers. Kiyomi, Sophia and Olivia were immediately taken to safety.

But Levi was running as fast as he could, feeling as though he were moving in slow motion. Dodging bullets and avoiding targeted areas was left to his instincts alone; the Captain’s heart was pounding harder than any missile, the thoughts in his head ringing louder than any bomb.

_‘Wait! Levi, I didn’t-!’_

_‘She trusted- no, she_ loved _you, you fucker! How dare you turn your back on her like this?!’_

_‘I listened to you, when you told me I was making a mistake. If you’re worth any gram of my respect, you will listen to me when I tell you the same thing.’_

_‘I knew F/N before any of you, before she even became a spy. I know it’s not my place to say, but I think you all misjudged her.’_

There wasn’t anything in the world he could do to make it right, he knew. He should have been the first to question their proof and how the news of a traitor were triggering their individual traumas, the first to realize that F/N was innocent, even if he had to fight his own allies because of it. And yet, what had he done? He’d been so afraid of allowing his feelings to cloud his judgment, that he’d ended up with no judgment at all. His life felt like a dream too good to be true ever since she appeared in it, and deep down, his fucked up and traumatized brain was waiting with bated breath for an opportunity to self-sabotage his happiness.

Levi gritted his teeth from the pain. It hurt, it hurt _so_ much and he wanted to disappear, so F/N would never have to see his face again. He could never look her in the eye again, he would never be able to relinquish the monumental guilt weighing down on his heart. All the questions he’d been forcing himself not to think about were now thundering in his head. How had she felt, being arrested by the very people she’d dedicated her life to help? How had she felt, when Levi didn’t even come to see her, talk to her? Had they treated her humanely, at least? Was she given food and water?

Did anyone stop to think about her safety once they realized they were being attacked?

Was she alive?

“Fuck, please be,” he prayed, choking on his own words as he sprinted. “Please, F/N, please be alive-“

Levi rounded the corner and stopped in his tracks, falling to his knees.

Where the HQ once stood, there was a gaping crater.

Everything became silent.

_“Captain Levi!”_

H-He couldn’t just assume things like that… maybe she’d gotten out… but she was surely chained, wasn’t she? And no one in Marley knew the truth…

_“Levi!! Move!!”_

No, no, it couldn’t be. He hadn’t even _looked_ at her. No. She couldn’t die like that, she didn’t deserve any of it, this was _all his fault_ -

Something crashed into him. He was suddenly rolling down the scorching pavement, whilst a pained sound echoed above him. Levi knew that voice, and it brought him back to reality with horrifying urgency. His stormy gaze finally focused on the person who’d shielded him from the bullet, and his breath dreadfully left his lungs.

“Hange!”

* * *

“Thank fuck. They got backup,” Reiner grunted against her. He had yet to completely heal and transforming was still out of the question, but he’d begun navigating the streets as soon as his feet grew back, his arm permanently hovering above her. Neither of them had directly addressed it, but F/N could tell how guilty Reiner felt for his treatment of her by the way he was wary of every speck of dust that could hurt her.

Was it enough? F/N wasn’t thinking about it.

She stared at the foreign war planes supporting the Marleyan air force, recognizing them instantly. He’d revealed pretty much everything that had happened since her arrest, and she was very much conflicted about many things, but F/N still sighed in relief – the Starkans seemed to be wholly surprised by the Faroqi battle force, and they were retreating.

“Come on. We’re almost there,” F/N lightly tugged him along. She would have carried him and sprinted towards the second military base of the capital if she wasn’t in such bad shape herself; as numb as she was to everything else, the news that Joey was among the soldiers tasked with protecting Henry had rattled her. They’d played right into the enemy’s hands – it would be the best time for the Starkans to capture the prince. With Forster brought to complete docility, the last one to subdue was Historia.

F/N had expected to find chaos upon walking in, but not like this.

Soldiers of all ethnicities were scrambling throughout the place, and she briefly recognized some as they rushed by. Magath was barking out orders for his pilots to chase the Starkan planes until they were well out of the country, and F/N was relieved to see a battered Pieck trying to quell Henry’s cries. She noticed that Dalia – or whatever her real name was – had taken to tending to the wounded in the makeshift hospital they’d put together, but it was the sight of Jean and Connie that had F/N’s heart racing.

Her mouth opened to ask a million questions, but she clammed up just as quickly. Instead, her eyes widened with shock as she took in the multitude of medics gathered around Mikasa, who was in the worst shape F/N had ever seen her. Armin was on the mattress right next to her, sweating profusely from the steam constantly emanating from his body.

The two other men, though uninjured, wore absolutely devastated expressions on their faces.

“F/N… I’m so sorry,” Jean was the first to speak, futilely trying to smother his sobs in his fist. “I’m so, _so_ sorry.”

A cold shiver went down her spine – not due to his apology, but because F/N could feel that there was more to it than what had transpired between them. And, as quickly as her irises were moving to scan the area, she couldn’t seem to identify two very important faces.

“…Where are Adam and Anya?”

Their jaws clenched and they remained gravely silent. However, F/N didn’t have longer than a second to process the crushing meaning of it; the doors slammed against the wall and her head whipped around to see Gabi barging in. The girl was hyperventilating as she yelled for help.

Soon after, F/N saw why. Her eyes first focused on Hange’s bleeding form, and then they met Levi’s.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh hello beautiful people! This one really took it out of me to rewrite, it's a monster of a chapter as well as really really important to the story, and since I barely had time to breathe this week I really hope I did it justice! Also, I'll get straight to replying to all of you sweethearts who left feedback the past few weeks, and a big sorry in advance for taking so long! T.T I appreciate it so much, I really do! And I hope you enjoy this one and have a beautiful week ahead! (Also I can't believe we're so close to the end :O) Kisses!! <3

Her head was ringing. It was all happening before her eyes, but she couldn’t focus – their voices were hazy, their movements barely registering as real. It was like a film, that she’d forgotten she was a part of.

_“It’s not an uncommon poison, thankfully. The antidote will kick in soon enough.”_

_“…Don’t make those faces. I know I haven’t been as fun as I used to be, but I don’t want to leave you all depressed.”_

_“Stop talking, you shitty idiot!”_

Was all of this really… happening? Her dear friends were… dead?

Were Hange and Mikasa really on those mattresses, barely hanging on to life?

Was Levi really crying?

“Why would you do that?!” the Captain shook from all joints, his eyes unable to decide whether to focus on the medics’ scrambled attempt to stop the bleeding, or the infuriating smile on Hange’s face. “Have you lost your shitty damn mind, Hange?! What the fuck are you smiling for?!”

The soldiers had all gathered around their second in command, their hearts shattered. They were all unwilling to say it, including the doctors – but the bullet had hit a vital area. There was no stopping the hemorrhage.

“Well… because if I think about it… I got to learn a lot of things,” Hange spoke, wincing in pain and her eyes becoming more and more unfocused. “And… this is much better than being eaten… or dying in an uninteresting way.”

F/N finally got a grip of herself and approached her slowly. Tears were riveting down her face. This was too much to handle.

“Hange, I… I _do_ care,” was all she managed to say, desperately wanting to take back what she’d told her. F/N felt all their gazes shifting to her, but she couldn’t be bothered to look at their expressions. Her heart was so torn, so broken, and she damned her own resentment to all hell for that one moment; she wouldn’t be able to live, knowing that anyone might have failed to find peace in their last moments because of her.

Hange sighed, relinquishing a heavy weight from her shoulders. “…Will you blame me if I use this opportunity to ask a favor, F/N?”

She adamantly shook her head, sniffling as she kneeled by her side.

“Please don’t… hate this idiot,” the scientist gestured towards Levi with her chin, her words fading. “I’d hate to… leave him… all alone…”

“Hange? Hange!”

“There’s no more pulse…” the medic tending to her reluctantly revealed, and the strongest soldiers in the whole military completely broke down. F/N could barely even make out Jean and Connie sobbing into their former Commander’s lifeless form, or Annie finally arriving at the scene only to be rooted in place from shock. Her eyes trailed Levi – although the tears in his eyes were still fresh, he wasn’t howling or shaking with grief. He was dead silent, rising to his feet and passing by Annie without a single word on his way to the exit.

F/N covered her mouth with her hand to quench her sobs, and she followed him. It hurt to look at him, it hurt to remember that he’d given up on her, but this – this hurt even more. She had no idea what to do or say to him, rooted to her spot as her E/C orbs lingered on his back.

Standing in front of the massive expanse of rubble that, only a few hours ago, was the bustling and picturesque capital, the Captain looked like the picture of defeat itself; his head hung low, his hand moving to his hip in slow motion – or maybe that was just her own brain failing to process what she was seeing?

“What… are you doing?” she hiccupped, watching in stupefaction whilst Levi pulled the safety of his gun. The sky was finally clear, the booming noise of the bombs finally gone; the Starkans had retreated. Who was he trying to rampage on?

“Le…vi? Levi? _Levi!!_ Have you lost your mind?!” the young woman shrieked, reacting just in time to jump on him and shove the weapon away from his jaw. Her hands burned from the scorching heat of the gun, her ears ringing from the proximity of the shot. She ripped the gun from his limp hands, throwing it as far away as she could. “What the fuck are you doing?! Are you _mad_?!”

She was hysterical, and Levi was too broken to even look at her. He tried to turn away, but in that moment he was too weak to resist her frantic hold on him.

“You idiot! You fucking idiot! What the fuck were you thinking?! That’s the last thing she wanted! How would that make anything better, you _fucking asshole_?!” F/N wailed, all semblance of composure gone with the wind. She was pulling him closer and punching his chest with her blistered fists, overwhelmed by the hurricane of emotions crashing down on her. That had been the last straw, and everything she’d suppressed in order to deal with the situation was rising to the surface and exploding within her.

They remained unaware of everything else, failing to see their comrades hastily bursting through the doors, alerted by the gunshot, or the wreckage surrounding them. Levi stood limp as she bruised him with all the strength she had left, he let her scream. His eyes stayed glued to her shaking form, taking in the wounds littering her body, the ugly blisters forming on her palms from her desperate attempt to stop him, the way she could barely find her breath. She was… alive, but at what cost?

“…Why?” Levi muttered, his voice hoarse and strained and barely coming out of his mouth.

“W-W-What?”

“Why, F/N? Why?” he gripped her arms tightly, holding her in place so he could stare at her grief-stricken face. “Why are you doing this? Why are you still holding on to me, when all of this is my fucking fault?!”

He was yelling all of a sudden, irrationally angry at her. She gasped, her bloodshot eyes widening.

“What the fuck does it matter whose fault it is?” F/N choked out in disbelief. “Do you think anyone wasted their last breath today by putting blame on you?! Is that how you give meaning to people’s lives? Is that how you want to honor Hange, when she bloody gave you her own _life_?”

The breath left his lungs. The fog in his brain dissipated, her words forcefully bringing him back to reality. Hange, the very last of the friends who’d been by his side since the beginning, had made the choice to die for him and he’d nearly spat on her sacrifice due to his guilt. His brats… two of them had almost lost their lives today, and the other two were crippled with grief.

And F/N, she must have been through hell and back.

What the hell was he doing?

She crumbled, all her fury gone. Her tears dampened his skin, and this time Levi wrapped his arms around her, supporting nearly all her weight and allowing himself to be there for her despite everything else. He realized that F/N didn’t hate him, not because she promised Hange, but because she couldn’t. But that was selfish of him to think – she was too heartbroken to be angry or think about her own feelings. And the only thing Levi was capable of doing was keep her upright, ignoring the stinging pain of the bruises likely littering his chest. Compared to the thunderstorm raging inside, those were nothing.

“Adam and Anya are… gone, too,” she cried, so broken and frail that the brunet almost failed to comprehend her words, too stricken by the state she was in. However, when they registered, he froze.

“…What?”

“I don’t know yet,” F/N sobbed, missing the utter horrification behind his reaction. “B-But Joey was the spy all along and… I think-“

Levi almost lost his balance. This couldn’t be. This had to be a sick joke. It couldn’t have been his own subordinate, hiding under his nose all this time.

Those two couldn’t be dead. Not when his last interaction with them was so awful, so regrettable, something he desperately wanted to take back.

Not when he’d finally brought Adam’s daughters back to him.

* * *

The aftermath was even bitterer.

Two thousand total casualties, soldiers and civilians.

Three major cities, including the capital, devastated.

And now, the funerals.

A massive pyre had been set up where the HQ once stood, and a sea of citizens had joined the military in their mourning. There was no separating line between them, officers and civilians mingling together to offer their last farewell to their loved ones whilst Magath choked on his speech.

Perhaps rain would have been more fitting, F/N mused as she glanced upwards, but the sky insisted to bask in cathartic hues of pink and orange as the sun lazily began its descent. She hadn’t spoken a word since the medics dragged her away from Levi, and she hadn’t seen him either. She didn’t exactly need to look for him, however – Hange’s funeral bed was amongst the first in line, and F/N spared herself from the pain of gazing towards it. She’d said her goodbye.

The young woman glanced at the bandages covering her wounds, and then at the young girls next to her. They wore matching white dresses as well as a white veil, just like her – F/N hadn’t needed to inform anyone that all three of them would prefer their national mourning color instead of Marleyan and Eldian black, and for that a part of her was grateful.

She knew they’d been informed of their father’s involvement in their military and of his passing, since most of their troops had learned the Starkan language during the past years, but it was still telling that the two chose to stand next to her even though F/N hadn’t uttered a word to anyone yet. She knew she was going to have to, and she knew just where her teammates lay as well. She just wasn’t brave enough yet.

A tentative hand rested on her shoulder, and her tired eyes flitted to Armin’s stark blue. He’d recovered already, unlike Mikasa who still had yet to wake up, but he may as well have been in a coma himself based on his appearance.

“I think you deserve to know… they both stood up for you until the very end.”

A stabbing, piercing pain shot through her heart, and that was all the courage she needed. F/N pursed her lips and turned her head away.

“You didn’t have to tell me,” her voice was quiet and hoarse, but Armin still retracted his hand as if she’d burned him. F/N paid him no mind, gesturing to Olivia and Sophia to follow her. As they made their way through the black-clad mass of people, they looked like three ghosts.

“He hacked his way into classified military files to try and find you,” she began speaking Starkan, telling the girls his father’s story through the background noise of cries and wails. The more she spoke, the more she was filled with a stubborn resolve to relay absolutely every fragment of Adam’s achievements and personality before they had to remove the cloth from his face and reveal how he was leaving the world. His daughters simply listened, twin pairs of warm, brown eyes tearing up with every word she said.

When she stopped in her tracks, F/N’s voice was shaky and uneven – just when she thought she had no tears left to cry, the sight of her friends’ funeral beds proved otherwise. She heaved a deep sigh, nodding to Sophia and Olivia. The former spy wordlessly let them have their private moment with their father, whilst she kneeled next to Anya and gingerly pulled down the cloth covering her face.

“You big brute,” she sniffled, yet still she couldn’t prevent a smile from reaching her features. “Of course you’d be smiling.”

Indeed, the peaceful smile on Anya’s face was a balm to her soul. Even though she hadn’t managed to have any final talks with her best friend, F/N could tell that the woman hadn’t even allowed death to defeat her in the end. A goodbye that she’d dreaded all of a sudden became peaceful and… inspiring.

“Who’s she?” Olivia came to her side, her long, blonde tresses dancing with the light wind. F/N shook her head, her gaze softening as she leaned down to kiss her friend’s forehead.

“I’ll tell you about her. She’s only the biggest badass who’s ever crossed the face of the earth. I consider her my best friend, but I think your father would argue.”

“They have the same smile on their faces,” Sophia joined them, and F/N recognized the same bittersweet expressions on their faces. Her heart burst with an unexplainable relief, and upon saying her own goodbye to Adam, she saw that, indeed, the grumpiest one of their bunch had managed to find his peace as well.

And that was more than enough for her.

“F/N.”

She turned around to meet Levi’s gaze, except his stormy hues were downcast and his entire posture looked out of place. F/N tilted her head – she still felt a raging storm inside of her whenever she looked at him, but seeing her friends like this had soothed some of her anguish without her even expecting it.

“…May I?”

She blinked in surprise at his wholly uncharacteristic request for permission and the fact that he spoke Starkan, meaning he was asking for it from all of them, but the young woman wasn’t so inclined to question it. F/N met the girls’ eyes inquisitively, and when the two nodded and wiped the last of their tears from their eyes, she silently walked back without another word.

When the fire rose all the way up to the clouds, F/N surmised that the sky knew better than her after all. Rain wouldn’t have been fitting at all.

* * *

“Did we gather here just to stare at each other?” Annie mumbled under her breath, but they all heard her loud and clear. The silence in the room was gravely.

Reiner sighed. “We’re waiting for Captain Levi.”

“We’ve been waiting for more than an hour now. Where is he anyway?”

“He went in the city after the funerals,” answered Jean, who’d been sitting with his head in his hands the entire time. They all knew he would rather be by Mikasa’s bedside, but at the same time there were many things to be discussed.

Pieck crossed her arms over her chest. “Are you sure it was a good idea for him to go anywhere alone? After…”

She wasn’t going to finish her sentence, but she also couldn’t have. The door opened as if on cue, and Levi walked in. F/N couldn’t help but eye him up and down, her brows creasing together – beyond the utterly drained expression on his face, which made him look like a completely different person, there was something odd about him. He donned one of his usual suits, his appearance was essentially the same… she couldn’t put her finger on it straight away.

Upon gazing at his neck, however, the former spy realized what it was. Instead of his usual cravat, the Captain was donning a necklace that she’d never seen before, with a sturdy, silver pair of wings resting on his collarbones. She had to swallow the lump in her throat and look away.

“Here,” Levi approached Jean. The air itself was almost impossible to breathe in that room. So many unresolved conflicts, so many misunderstandings still lingered, and yet they all had no choice but to power through them.

They had no choice but to move on.

Jean’s heavy gaze barely met his former Captain’s. When the young Squad Leader glimpsed the object in Levi’s hands, he whirled out of his seat with horror.

“No. That’s out of the question. I can’t.”

“Don’t make this harder than it is,” the Captain reproached, fixating him with an exhausted glare. The emerald jewel in his palm shined brightly, as though it didn’t feel the weight of its former possessors’ passing, gaining more brilliance from their brave deeds instead. “It’s what she wanted.”

Jean choked on his own breath. “I don’t deserve it, Captain! I was useless, I lost my head! If Anya and Adam hadn’t given their lives to save us, we would have lost Henry!”

“Didn’t we all lose our heads today?” F/N intervened quietly, her chin resting on Falco’s head. The poor boy was utterly drained both mentally and physically from his active participation in the battle, and she’d lost no time snuggling into the only armchair with him and Gabi. Those two were somehow a balm to her soul in those moments, and for everything F/N didn’t know, she knew one thing – she was tired of blame, guilt and all the misjudgments they could trigger.

“It’s not your fault, Jean. If I’d used my head, I could have avoided this, I could have transformed and fought him instead,” Armin muttered, self-loathing dripping from every word.

“I was just as useless, and I wasn’t poisoned,” added Connie.

“None of this would have happened if we had better judgment in the first place, especially me as Commander,” Magath gritted his teeth, with Reiner, Annie and Pieck gazing at the floor shamefully.

“The last thing I said to my subordinates was that I’d get them court-martialed, Hange died because she took a bullet meant for me, the spy was under my direct command, I brought two girls back to their father only for them to cry over his corpse and I was the first damn person who should have realized F/N wasn’t a traitor. Now are we all done sharing our misery, or is there anyone who would like to add something?” Levi said bitingly, gracing them all with a piercing glare. Predictably, no one said another word. “Jean, you’re going to get over your damn self and wear this around your neck even if I have to fucking suffocate you with it.”

The younger man obeyed, his jaw clenching when Levi saluted him. The former Scouts all followed suit, and F/N watched the solemn moment with a bittersweet ache. No matter his moment of weakness, Hange was right to choose Jean as her successor.

“Now… What do we do?”

She felt Gabi’s stare the second Pieck uttered the question. F/N knew that she needed to share the crucial information about the weapon’s location, especially since they only had a few days before the Starkans would successfully manage to relocate it. They were in desperate need of a plan.

However, if she told them _that_ , then there was something else she needed to say. Something that she had yet to wrap her head around completely, something that scared her more than anything else. F/N bit her lip, hesitant.

“When I went to free Miss F/N from the dungeons… Victor Baal was already there.”

All of their heads whipped towards her, and F/N sighed. She couldn’t blame Gabi for speaking out – the outcome of the war was more important than the whirlwind going on in her own head, after all.

“What?!” Levi saw red for a moment. The knowledge that she’d been all alone with that madman, in the condition she was in, made him want to rip him (or his own self?) to shreds. “Did _he_ do that to you?”

She didn’t gaze towards Reiner and Annie, even though she noticed the uncomfortable glance they shared in her peripherals. It wouldn’t help anyone anyway, if Levi found out her wounds were a result of torture. Plus, somehow, those furious words of concern made her nauseated.

“I did worse to him,” F/N said instead. “The point is, we have a lead that could help us end this. The weapon is in the library.”

Magath jumped from his seat. “I know I have no right to ask this of you… but you could get us inside, couldn’t you?”

She swallowed tensely. In any other situation, she would have accepted without a second thought. More than anything, F/N wanted nothing more than to make this nightmare come to an end – she’d lost too much, she was sick of it to her very core. Her betrayed feelings meant nothing in the grand scheme of things – the funeral pyre and the dreadful image of the capital had shown her that with crystal clarity. But infiltrating the library with the entire Starkan army on edge, as well as Victor and Joey preparing for it…

It meant certain death. And as welcoming as that notion was only a night ago, F/N wasn’t just looking out for herself anymore.

Gabi looked at her nervously. It was obvious that she didn’t want to be the one to reveal something so personal, but F/N knew that she stood no chance trying to hide it, even if she wanted to. The girl could be sweet and kind, but also stubborn as a mule; Gabi would rather invoke her hatred than let her withhold something like this, especially if doing so would place her in harm’s way.

F/N would have preferred a different set of circumstances, where she could grieve in peace, fully comprehend her pregnancy and then decide what to do about it – but those circumstances were nothing but a fantasy. She couldn’t play the heroine by running off to Starke alone, foolishly thinking she could singlehandedly end the war, nor could she completely remove herself from the situation and place all her focus on her unborn child.

Her and _Levi’s_ unborn child.

Telling him was also a challenge unlike any other, especially at a time like this. With all the strain that had been put on their relationship and with the heartbreak of loss still so raw, it felt almost distasteful to entertain the hope that he might have anything resembling a positive reaction when not even _she_ knew how she felt about it yet or if she _wanted_ such a reaction from him. Not to mention the unnatural, artificial meddling that had led to the act itself, even if their feelings and intentions had been real. Her eyes pricked with frustrated tears at the thought only – it was so unfair. Why did it have to be like this? Why did one of the greatest blessings in the world suddenly feel like a curse?

“I… I will tell you tomorrow,” F/N found her words. If they noticed her voice cracking or questioned her unwillingness to offer her answer just yet, no one said a word about it. “Levi? Can I talk to you?”

The Captain’s expression was so conflicted that she almost believed he would refuse her. However, Levi eventually moved from his spot, opening the door and gesturing for her to follow. They walked in silence through the empty hallways for a while, neither having any idea where they were headed or if they even had a destination in mind. It was past midnight, and all the corridors were empty, but it felt nothing like their previous nighttime encounters. Somewhere in the building, there were the Faroqi chief and generals, along with Shaimeh, who’d seemingly been shocked into muteness by the day’s events and revelations. There was Mikasa, brought to near death and still unaware of the suffering that awaited her once she regained her consciousness. There were Sophia and Olivia, for whom F/N felt so guilty because she couldn’t spend this time with them instead. And certain people who _should_ be there, were not.

“Do you mind if I say something first, F/N?” Levi inquired after what felt like an eternity. They’d come to find a balcony, and her E/C gaze was hypnotized by the starry sky – it looked too clear, too bright, for the carnage that had rained down from it. Or perhaps it had gained some new, dazzling additions that it couldn’t help but show off. F/N didn’t know. The sky seemed to be a step ahead of her anyways.

“Go on,” she found herself allowing it, her eyes switching trajectories and resting on Levi instead. More specifically, on the way the moonlight danced on his necklace.

“I know how fucking little this means. But I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

She sighed quietly. He was right – his apology evoked little to nothing positive inside her. All it did was open a dam that she was afraid would overflow if she didn’t tightly control it.

“You… didn’t speak to me at all.”

“I didn’t.”

“Why?”

He swallowed tensely. He could find excuses for himself and tell her he couldn’t bring himself to do it, couldn’t handle looking her in the eye, but Levi didn’t. If there was anything he could do at that point, it was to own up to everything.

“A part of me always felt like I didn’t deserve you,” the brunet spoke, unable to meet her eyes. He stared at the sky instead. “And I always had it in the back of my mind – this is too good to be true, this can’t happen to me. On top of that, you’re a brilliant spy with training that is much more advanced than anything I – or any of us – are used to, and the only way we’d ever realize you were trying to sabotage us is if we caught on to the smallest inconsistency, the smallest error. And I-“ his voice cracked and he quickly cleared his throat. “I… was scared of that. I was scared of being blind when everyone else around me could see. I didn’t…”

“You didn’t trust your own judgment,” F/N finished for him, understanding at last. Of course, Levi’s biggest fear ever since she’d met him; to be too frightful of making the wrong choice, and letting others do it for him as a consequence. It made sense, obviously it did, and once the words came out F/N could tell he realized it too.

_‘When that happens, you’re as good as dead.’_

“Dammit…”

Her heart churned painfully as she watched him beat himself up, but for the first time, she was unable to offer any words of comfort. F/N couldn’t help him heal from this when she was struggling so hard to heal herself, and so she stayed silent for a long time whilst he came to terms with the painful revelation that he was essentially back to square one.

“Do you remember when we got drunk on whiskey?” she eventually spoke, breathing out a humorless laugh as soon as the words fell from her mouth. “It was the day before yesterday. But it feels like it’s been months since.”

Levi snapped himself out of his misery to search her face, but he was unable to figure her out. It felt like he had only just met her, helpless in the face of her complexity and, at the same time, so achingly estranged.

“I do.”

“Do you remember that it was Marie who served us?” F/N inwardly cursed herself for being a coward and trying to make him connect the dots instead of conveying her message loud and clear. But she couldn’t. She was becoming more and more afraid with each word, doubting herself and itching to just leave him there and flee. What was she even doing? What did she expect of him? How would she even handle this conversation without knowing what the hell she wanted out of it?

The brunet’s brows furrowed, a nagging knot forming in his stomach. “Are you saying she…?”

“Drugged us. It seemed like we chose to go to that pub, but Joey followed us to see where we were headed. He knew we’d enter if we saw Marie, and he had a bottle of wine readily drugged for us… as well as ice cubes infused with drugs in case we went for sealed bottles. I… feel so stupid for not thinking about it, but I’d never heard of it before. We thought it was the alcohol, but-”

“F/N, what are you saying?” Levi turned to face her, cutting her nervous rambling off. He couldn’t intuit the reason behind it, but the fear in her expression was plain to see. The Captain hated every single bit of it, almost as much as he hated the fact that he couldn’t hold her like before, couldn’t soothe her pain. Not anymore.

When she looked at him with frightful, teary eyes, it took all of his self-control not to fall to her feet, beg for her forgiveness and for their bond to return to how it was. F/N had promised Hange that she wouldn’t despise him and she was keeping that promise, but Levi didn’t want it to be this way. He so selfishly wanted to be there for her, despite being the very cause of her pain.

“I-I’m saying that Baal made sure I accomplished my original mission,” she wrapped her bandaged arms around herself, small and trembling and uncertain. “They used a semen fortifying drug a-and aphrodisiacs.”

Levi’s mouth fell open, and his heart skipped a beat. Half consciously, he wondered if he even heard her well, but then again it all made sense. Their frenzied love-making, the horrible hangover the next day, the very reason why Victor had considered F/N’s capture so important that he’d taken it upon himself to accomplish. She was pregnant.

Levi’s brain whirred, an electric jolt traveling his entire body and sending him into overdrive – in that moment, he even forgot his misery. All the thoughts racing in his head revolved around protecting the woman in front of him and the child inside her. The promise he’d made to Historia suddenly developed into something even deeper - something familiar, but so much more intense than he remembered. A bond that couldn’t be swayed by duty, by the unforgiving laws of war, or by suicidal dreams this time.

Come hell or high water, he was going to protect them until his dying breath.

“I just… I felt like you had the right to know,” F/N averted her gaze, misunderstanding his lack of response. Her heart churned – she suddenly missed Anya with all her being. Her best friend would have known what to tell her, and she would have probably found a way to make her laugh while she was at it. “I’ll figure this out by tomorrow and think of a way to make it work.”

“What is there to think about?” Levi breathed. “You’ll be staying in the safest place we have and going to Starke is out of the question. I know I’ve let you down, F/N, and I will never forgive myself for it, but I am not letting anything happen to you… or them.”

She stared at him long and hard, yet surprisingly… the young woman couldn’t feel anything. She saw the fire burning in his eyes, the way he was forcefully restraining himself from touching her; but his words failed to invoke any emotion in her. F/N pursed her lips, confused by her own reaction – it was better than indifference or dread, wasn’t it? He at least seemed to have an idea of what to do? Contrarily, why wasn’t she angry or repulsed by his stubborn insistence?

F/N met his stormy gaze, and it clicked with painful clarity. So painful, that the tears she’d been holding back rolled down her cheeks.

She loved him still, with all her heart. She hated seeing him in such misery. She didn’t want him to ever again reach a point so low that he thought of taking his own life. But she couldn’t trust him anymore.

“Please don’t cry,” Levi was unable to resist any longer. His hands gingerly cupped her face, his thumbs brushing her tears away. F/N had to fight the urge to flinch, closing her eyes instead. She couldn’t bear to look at him, when every word, every promise he uttered sounded so empty, so hollow. “I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I’m shit at being pretty much anything, but I swear I’ll do my best. You don’t have to figure it out alone.”

“…Don’t I?” the words flowed without her consent. F/N didn’t want to add anything more to his load of guilt, knowing how feeble his mental state was, but at the same time it was so exhausting to contain her own pain. Deep down, she’d forgiven them all, but she still felt lonelier than ever before. Her hands still stung from preventing him from impulsively ending his life – but no one had been there to do the same for her; she’d had to swim back up to the surface herself. Even though the apologies she’d received were all genuine, they’d been followed by more requests, more things for her to give. Hange wanted her to take care of Levi; Magath wanted her to infiltrate Starke; Gabi wanted her to reveal everything before she felt ready to do so; and now Levi wanted her to believe his promises despite all the others he’d broken?

“I… was always alone when it really mattered, wasn’t I?” F/N continued. She saw how her words shattered him, but she couldn’t stop. She couldn’t keep quiet for his sake any longer – she had her feelings too. “It’s always like this. Everyone who claims they’d be there either turns away, or dies. And it’s so _exhausting_ to keep hoping and hoping and hoping that this time will be different, this time they really mean it – only for it to rinse and repeat, every single time. I-I can’t do it anymore,” her voice wobbled, and she removed his hands from her face, pushing them back into his chest. “Y-You can do whatever you want, you can be as involved as you want – I won’t take that away from you. But don’t make any promises or think you can decide anything for me or for this child. It feels like you’re… speaking a language I don’t know.”

The Captain remained mute, unable to find anything that he could say. It dawned on him that there was nothing that could truly fix this, nothing that could close the wound, and it hurt so, _so_ badly. He felt like a fool for thinking F/N would find it in herself to forgive _and_ forget, and like the lowest being for hoping that she would. Levi knew he had no right to entertain such desires, to take advantage of her forgiving nature and kindness, but she was the best thing that had ever happened to him and his heart stubbornly refused to let her go. The child – _their_ child – was a blessing he’d thought would never befall him, and his _blood_ refused to let them go.

“…I see,” the Captain said eventually, his arms falling by his sides. He took a step back, accepting the distance even though it tore his heart to pieces. “I won’t make promises then. And I’m sorry if anything I do from this point forward makes you upset. I’m an idiot, and an asshole, and selfish as shit, and you’re unlucky enough that I happened to be the one to fall in love with you. But I love you, F/N. You don’t have to believe me or be near me for me to do so, or keep you safe.”

F/N eyed him tiredly. Her chest ached with the desire to believe what she heard, but she ripped that wish to shreds with no mercy. She couldn’t give in to the same foolish wants that had gotten her nothing but torture and near death, if she wanted to keep her child safe.

“Get some sleep, Levi,” the young woman said, walking past him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter where I actually feel the need to offer my apologies at the end lmao pls dont hate me i love u


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hello, here's to an early update because I'm going on vacation tomorrow :D (also huzzah I got it done in time XD) Thank you all so much for your support as always, and I REALLY hope you guys like this chapter, it's one of my favorite moments in the story and embodies the entire meaning of it <3 Have a lovely remainder of the week and a wonderful weekend, beautiful people!

His feet dragged him along the empty corridors, his mind too worn out to wonder where the hell he was going or why. Levi had almost forgotten what it was like to suffer from heartbreak and insomnia at the same time, yet somehow the harrowing feeling felt all too familiar upon its return. In a twisted way, it was… comforting, even. Misery had a home in his heart – it had, for the longest time.

A filthy, disgusting home that he kept trying to escape, only to crawl back to it when life became a little too good. A little too hopeful, a little too forgiving. And now that he’d learned to see these things inside of himself, the Captain was abhorred. His perceived untouchability was worthless, when he was his very own executioner.

Levi’s fingers reached up to clutch the silver medallion of his necklace, an unconscious search for solace. He passed by Magath’s room and had to tighten every set of muscles in his body to prevent himself from barging in and practically ordering the Commander to take all necessary measures in order to ensure F/N’s safety. That was his plan, essentially, but not everyone could function without an ounce of sleep like him; there were a few hours left until dawn.

And yet, that simple exercise of self-control sparked the most excruciating headache, to the point that he hissed in pain. Levi was not stupid by any means – he knew exactly what had happened. However, he had never been gripped by it to this extent of actual physical pain and very near loss of rational thought.

There was one person he knew, though, who had been.

His hand hesitantly touched a certain doorknob, and the brunet heaved a long sigh. Among all tragedies that weighed down on him, there was a profoundly relieved flutter in his chest for the one that could have been, but wasn’t. He pushed the door open as quietly as he could – there was no need for him to see them to know Jean, Armin and Connie had all succumbed to sleep somewhere by Mikasa’s bedside. Thus, it was no surprise when Levi’s bloodshot eyes rested on Armin and Jean, whose heads were settled on the corners of the bed, as well as Connie, who was leaned back and snoring in the only chair in the room. That and the periodic little drip of the IV were the only sounds in the room.

Levi carefully took a seat on the mattress, his gaze lingering on Mikasa’s face in the near total darkness. He could tell just how frail her state of wellbeing was, and it was so incredibly frustrating that this fragile recovery was owed to a twisted show of benevolence on Joey’s part. Had the man not chosen to use a deadly, but common poison, Levi would have stood helplessly by her funeral bed as well.

“You’re awake,” he finally muttered after some time. The Captain had no intention to wake his other former subordinates, but he still knew them like the back of his hand; none of those three were light sleepers on a normal day. As exhausted as they were right then, he’d probably have to whack them over the head to get them up.

“I have been for a while,” Mikasa replied, her voice hoarse and on the edge of breaking. Those were the first words coming out of her mouth ever since she’d regained consciousness. If Levi had any gram of curiosity as to why she hadn’t woken her friends up, he didn’t ask. “…It smells like smoke.”

_‘I missed the funerals, didn’t I?’_

The Captain glanced towards the open window. He’d become so accustomed to it in the past hours that he hadn’t realized how potent the smell still was.

“…It does.”

_‘You did. I’m sorry.’_

“I see.”

He silently dreaded the possibility of her asking him which of their close comrades were among the fallen, but at the same time Levi was fully prepared to be the one to tell her if she so wanted. Mikasa bit her lip whilst pondering the exact same thing, and the Captain’s gaze flitted down to her when she winced in pain – despite the IV, she was still so dehydrated that her bottom lip cracked open.

“Try not to get yourself more messed up than you already are, brat,” Levi clicked his tongue at her. Contrary to his words, however, he helped her up to the glass of water resting on the nightstand, and handed her the handkerchief he always kept in his pocket. The change in position allowed Mikasa to finally get a good glimpse of his features and Levi could almost hear her heart plummeting in her chest; he was a train-wreck, he knew, and that was more than enough for the young brunette to understand that she was going to hear some harrowing news.

“Captain?”

“Ah.”

She brought her knees to her chest, looking like a child more than a soldier for the first time in years. “Do I… have to know now?”

His gaze softened. “No.”

A sleepless and depressing night wouldn’t do her health any good. Plus, Levi mused, whatever crass and awkward words of comfort he might manage to muster wouldn’t compare to the support the other three could offer. Not to mention he was nowhere near inclined to say anything remotely positive or motivating; his own world had crashed down on him.

They settled into a long stretch of silence, which somehow managed to be both soothing and stressful. In all of their years working together, they’d seldom had a conversation just between them and even then it was very business-oriented. Levi could only remember one instance where he’d sat Mikasa down for a serious, private heart-to-heart.

And, ironically, that had been related to the same topic that was itching to roll off his tongue.

It was misplaced and arguably selfish, but eventually the brunet couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“Do you remember what I told you when we reached the Colossal titans during the Rumbling?”

Mikasa predictably blinked in surprise. It was a rhetorical question – how could either of them forget?

“I do. You said that no matter what some ‘shitty royal asses’ wanted to achieve by creating the Ackermans, they didn’t succeed in making us slaves. They just made us love really hard, and forgot to do something about us having functional brains that we can turn to.”

He snorted quietly – she’d quoted him word for word, but somehow his own sentences made him want to cringe. It sounded too underwhelming and generalist, now that he was essentially placed in the same position Mikasa had been. Levi had thought that the intensity of their genetic urges to protect certain individuals varied according to their maturity and self-control, yet there he was standing corrected for the millionth time in his life.

Now that it finally clicked, it made all too much sense. Of course one could activate this instinct for a so-called ‘ruling monarch’, especially if they were groomed to do so. But whoever created the Ackerman line omitted one thing – no one could ever rise above what a person considered their own family. Not leaders, not even their closest friends. It was probably one of the loopholes that had led to their clan’s revolt; not only had their memories been preserved, but their strongest bonds weren’t guaranteed to be in the monarch’s interest either.

Mikasa had always considered Eren her family, and now Levi found himself being thrown into the same perception regarding F/N, upon realizing she was carrying his child. It was a different kind of bond from the one he’d shared with Erwin, and it was only in that moment that Levi finally, completely understood Mikasa. Her recklessness, her tunnel vision – frightening as it was, all of a sudden Levi could see himself doing the same things if he took Eren out of the equation and replaced him with F/N.

“I never did take your advice though.”

His head snapped up, her voice jolting him out of his intense musings. “Ha?”

The young woman sighed. “You may have been right about it and I did end up doing the right thing… but it didn’t come from a rational place. I wanted it to, but I couldn’t, as much as I tried. In the end, I… still let Eren go out of love.”

Levi’s brows furrowed in consternation – somehow, he couldn’t make sense of what his former subordinate was saying. “What do you mean?”

“I knew that genocide was wrong. I knew we had to save and protect whomever we still could. But I didn’t let him go because of that – I let him go because that was the choice he made… and for the first time, I realized I had no say in it. I had to accept the person he was without trying to control or change him… not that I ever could in the first place.”

The toll of that decision was still visible on her, after all this time, and the Captain couldn’t help but feel his heart breaking for her. It was so different, now that he could feel exactly how difficult such a choice was to make, and a part of him deeply regretted not being empathetic enough to offer the guidance she’d _really_ needed at the time.

“So, you’re saying… that the way to handle this is to just not do anything?”

Mikasa searched his face. If anything, she’d become much more perceptive of those around her during the past years and the Captain was well aware of it; so he let her find what she was looking for. There was no point in hiding, after all.

“I’m not saying that,” the brunette spoke eventually. “What I am saying is that we both picked the wrong people to try and shelter. I don’t know what happened exactly, but good luck trying to dictate what F/N does.”

He pursed his lips, trying his best not to visibly flinch. Just hearing those words sparked revolt in his body, although objectively Levi knew she was right. There was nothing he wanted more than to protect F/N even if she loathed him for it, but his genetic urges had blinded him to one thing – not only did he have no right to decide what was best for her after everything that happened, but he _couldn’t_ enforce it either. The woman had escaped from chains, nearly killed arguably the most dangerous man they knew and managed to save herself and everyone else in the HQ from a massive explosion whilst being in the physical state she was in. He stood no chance trying to hold her down.

Mikasa’s gaze mellowed sympathetically. “Maybe you should trust her instead. That’s why we ended up in this mess anyway.”

Levi heaved a quiet exhale, meeting the brunette’s dark eyes whilst a hurricane of feelings swirled in his. He rose to his feet, gratitude filling his chest to the point where his hand reached out to affectionately tousle her hair. “You be happy you made it out alive, brat. Everyone else is.”

The Captain didn’t get any sleep that night, but when he passed by Magath’s room again his heart constricted with a different kind of emotion. Was he going to do everything in his power to protect F/N and their child? Yes.

But he would do so as they put an end to this nightmare, one way or another.

* * *

“What would you want me to do, if you were older?” F/N murmured, her bandaged hand delicately brushing over her belly. Her son or daughter must be so small, so tiny that they wouldn’t even show on any tests yet, but she knew better than to doubt their existence. For one, Victor wasn’t one to take any chances, and if Joey was anything, he was a genius at what he did. And two – F/N could feel it. Ever since she’d been told, she could feel that they were there.

The young woman hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep, and now the sky was turning pink and orange outside. All night, she’d wracked her brain for what to do and, frustratingly, she still had no idea. There seemed to be no happy medium, no compromise – it was either go to Starke, since she was the only one who stood a chance to navigate the library, but risk losing her life and her child, or stay back and risk losing the war. It was so hard to choose the right thing to do, when one option implied the welfare of the world and the other, the welfare of her child.

“What kind of mother would you want me to be?” her voice cracked, but there were no more tears that she could shed. Her pillow was soaked with them. “Would you want me to be a heroine? Would you want me to screw everyone else and run away with you?”

F/N was interrupted by a knock at her door. She hoped to all gods that it wasn’t Levi; their conversation last night had left her cut open and bleeding. It was an inhumane kind of pain, having to fight one’s own heart.

“Yes?”

Her eyebrows rose when Shaimeh walked in, arguably looking even more disheveled than she was. F/N sat up in her bed, wondering what in the world this girl wanted from her.

“I-I’m sorry to barge in so early… Were you asleep?”

F/N let her expression reply for her. She didn’t need a mirror to know that the bags under her eyes were probably drooping down to her chin.

The princess fidgeted nervously, biting her lip. “I know it doesn’t change anything, F/N, but I can’t live with myself unless I apologize to you. This entire misunderstanding happened because of me, and I misjudged you so horribly.”

F/N sighed. She was so done with apologies, so sick and tired of them, especially when everyone’s mental fortitude seemed to depend on her forgiveness. They couldn’t live, couldn’t die without it, and even though she’d forgiven them anyway, a part of F/N hated this burden, the feeling that she was still the one offering comfort when her entire world was crashing down on her. It increasingly felt like she had less and less that she could give.

“Apology accepted.”

The silence that followed could only be described as awkward, with the former spy once again feeling the familiar bite of annoyance that she’d become accustomed to in her presence. The girl could catch hints, but she’d never been good at following them.

“You… don’t look very well,” Shaimeh spoke eventually, taking a seat on the only chair in the tiny room. F/N simply followed her movements with nothing showing on her face. Both of the princess’ identities were a thorn in her side, it seemed.

“You could say that my beauty routine was a bit thrown off.”

“What about your mental routine?”

At that, F/N gave her a warning look. They were not friends by any means, and she didn’t feel inclined to play the part.

Shaimeh breathed out a sigh, her form slumping against the back of the chair. “You know, I had all night to think about this and… you remind me of my mother a lot,” she confessed, and F/N involuntarily turned to face her better. Somehow, that managed to spark her interest. “She died several years ago, but I still remember her so well. She was basically the true ruler of the tribes, the only one who could sway my father’s more radical opinions and she was so damn _good_ at everything she did. My father adored her, I adored her, pretty much the entire country adored her.”

F/N could feel the bittersweet tone of her reminiscing, as well as the frustration hidden behind it.

“She was just… in a league of her own, I guess. Someone to be respected and admired, no matter how close you were to her. I’ve never once see her cry, and she never leaned on anyone, not even my dad and definitely not me. I never got to see another side of her, and so all I could do was try and try to mirror this standard of perfection in whose shadow I grew up, even though I’m horrible at everything she was good at. I’d rather stay cooped up in my room and paint, instead of being a mediocre spy and an even more mediocre ruler who has to look all haughty to be taken seriously. But it’s expected of me and I’m my father’s only heir,” she shrugged, breathing out a bitter laugh.

Shaimeh then met her gaze, a conflicted expression marring her features. “And you’re so much like her. Ever since I came to Marley, I’ve done nothing but try and fail to best you. I thought it was your profession, I thought it had to be a façade, but it’s not – that’s just how you are. You look so perfect, so untouchable from the outside, you can get over anything in order to do what needs to be done, you give so much but you don’t take, as if you have an endless supply to offer. But you don’t. And neither did my mother, who ended up taking her own life.”

F/N’s mouth opened, but nothing came out of it. She took a long pause, mulling over Shaimeh’s perception of her and becoming increasingly more shocked. How could this girl sit there and talk about ‘perfection’, when F/N’s head was all over the place? How could she say she looked untouchable, when her entire body begged to differ? Was that why Shaimeh had been so convinced that she had to be a spy, because she seemed to embody an unattainable ideal that had never existed in the first place?

And yet, her mouth still dried out and her hands clenched into fists. Something was hitting a chord inside her, even though her first reaction was disbelief.

“There are all kinds of parents out there,” F/N eventually found her voice. “Do you think your mother loved you, despite everything else?”

“She did, in her own way,” Shaimeh hummed thoughtfully. “I saw it less and less as I grew up, though. Back when I was a kid, I was her ‘sunshine and starlight’. And then… I was ‘you need to study more’. At first I thought there was something wrong with _me_ , but honestly… it was just her losing herself, bit by bit. By the end, she was completely drained.”

She said it with such sadness that F/N’s gaze couldn’t help but soften.

“I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why she did it, why she took her life. It seemed like she had everything. But the truth was – she had nothing. Because she never allowed herself to do anything but what was _right_. And so she could never be weak, she could never leave things to fate, she could never listen to her heart. I don’t think she even trusted anyone, really.”

The lightbulb suddenly appeared above F/N’s head. She gasped, her hand reaching up to cover her mouth.

Was that… what was awaiting her?

“Hey, Shaimeh…. If you could give your mother any advice, what would it be? What would you have wanted her to do?” F/N asked shakily. It was extraordinary, in a way, how the world managed to answer one’s questions if only they looked for the signs.

The princess heaved a long exhale, her eyebrows creasing in reflection. “I think… I’d just want her to do what _she_ wanted, for once. Something that wasn’t ‘right’ by objective standards, but it would bring her happiness.”

F/N stared into space, her brain whirring. What did she want? What could possibly bring her happiness in this situation?

And just like that, the answer began to take shape, as though it was there all along.

“…Even if the world could suffer because of it?”

Shaimeh met her eyes with confidence.

“Even if.”

She was winded by a sudden burst of clarity, accompanied by an unexpected surge of adrenalin. It felt so liberating even to entertain the idea, but the realization that she had the power to turn it into action was making her head spin. Her eyes met Shaimeh’s with such unrestrained gratitude and, for the first time, F/N felt no annoyance, no heartbreak, no lingering burden. She felt the profound relief that followed true forgiveness.

The princess gave her a tearful smile. “You should go. You have a plan to put together, don’t you?”

F/N was incapable of speech, but she practically bolted up from her bed, barely managing to offer a nod in response.

Indeed, she had a hell of a plan to put together.

* * *

“You want to… what?”

She didn’t repeat herself. She didn’t need to – they’d all heard her loud and clear.

F/N had honestly expected to be put in the irritating situation of weaseling her way out of an imposed maternity leave courtesy of Levi, but to her surprise, she’d walked into the spacious office only to be greeted with plenty of faces who were very interested in what she had to say. Her E/C orbs had fleeted to the Captain for a moment in sheer amazement, and the former spy had been unable to read the expression on his face. He looked determined, resigned and… peaceful at the same time?

On the other hand, F/N realized that her own demeanor was just as surprising to him. The painful sting of betrayal was ebbing, leaving room for steely resolve. She had fire burning in her eyes as she spoke.

“F/N, I’m sorry to ask, but have you lost your mind?” Pieck deadpanned, asking the question that was swirling in all of their heads. This was more than out of character, more than unpredictable coming from her.

Levi never once broke eye contact with her, and he acerbically hushed them all. His heart was racing, and he could feel the massive change that had occurred in F/N just by staring into her eyes. While last night she seemed to be tired of life itself, now she emanated an overwhelming will to live. The Captain didn’t know what brought it on, but he didn’t care. He trusted her. “Shut up and let her talk.”

And talk she did. A part of F/N marveled at her own self, at how she had it all figured out as if she’d spent all her waking hours thinking it through. Her words flowed with such ease, such passion, such unequivocal certainty that it felt like a deeply buried desire finally shining through; like a lifelong dream she’d never allowed herself to follow.

A dream they all shared, judging by how their expressions changed the more and more she laid it out.

A sin? Maybe. But a sin so liberating that it was impossible to resist.

“Can it be done?” F/N addressed Armin, whose blue eyes were shining the brightest she’d seen them in a long time. It was almost a rhetorical question – she could see the wheels turning in the strategist’s head, and the ghost of a smile appeared on her face when he furiously wiped off everything that had been written on the board and grabbed a marker.

“Yes. Here’s how we’ll do it.”

* * *

She watched him in the doorway as he dressed, the heavy equipment falling on his small, but powerful frame with practiced ease. Her eyes took in the scars on his back, the way his muscles rippled with each movement, the contours that she’d closely acquainted herself to in the most intimate ways.

“Is there something you want to tell me, F/N?”

“Not yet,” the young woman sighed, approaching him. Levi turned to face her, his eyes widening as her fingers reached up to trace the scars on his face. He wanted to lean into her touch, to beg for more, but the Captain remained still with uncertainty. She was as unpredictable as the wind, her thoughts and feelings like the ocean’s waves - calm and welcoming one day, ferocious the next. Compared to her, Levi felt like a rock, immovable and unchangeable and extremely easy to predict.

“Or maybe… I don’t know,” F/N hummed, brushing through his bangs with such gentleness that it killed him. He couldn’t begin to fathom what was going on inside her head, why she’d so rightfully pushed him away, only to curiously pull him back. “It’s funny, isn’t it? I have the fate of several nations all mapped out in my head, but you… I still have no idea what to do about you.”

“What changed?” Levi couldn’t help but ask, daring to link his fingers with hers. She didn’t push him away, her lips pursing in thought whilst she let him hold her hand.

“I want to find happiness,” F/N muttered. “And it feels like it’s right here, but I don’t know how to grasp it.”

The brunet’s gaze softened with understanding and an overwhelming surge of love for this woman, who was so brave, so strong to break down her own walls with her bare hands, over and over again. There she was, trying to rip her heart out of its millionth cage and set it free, yet unable to find the millionth key.

“When did anything you’ve ever faced defeat you?” Levi breathed, pulling her in until their foreheads touched and they could see beyond the specks of color in each other’s irises. With the cleansing of his demons came clarity, and he could finally see himself and her in their true light; unique, bright, undefeated.

F/N gave a quiet little snort and a half-smile. “Never.”

“Then what are you trying to protect yourself from, when you have everything you’ll ever need to get back up on your feet right here?” he placed his palm over her heart. She stared at him in wonder, and Levi gave her the most beautiful smile. “I can’t break you, F/N. Nothing can.”

She realized with amazement that he was right. She’d been brought to the breaking point so many times, yet she’d always found the strength to pick herself back up. It wasn’t a curse or a sadistic twist of fate that she’d found herself powering through the toughest moments of her life alone – it was a lesson to learn, a message that she didn’t _need_ anyone else to survive. Not in the way Shaimeh’s mother had thought, not by pushing them away and replacing her desires with fake confidence, but by _following_ those desires without worrying about being hurt. All the people F/N had ever met or hadn’t – from her parents to Victor, to Anya, to Adam, to Joey, to all her comrades, to Shaimeh and her mother, to Levi and their unborn child – they’d all opened her eyes to different facets of the same story, offering pieces for her to put together and decipher the greatest mystery yet.

The meaning of her own life.

F/N breathed out an airy, profoundly relieved laugh. It was all so simple, so straightforward, that she couldn’t believe she’d made it so complicated. Suddenly, the young woman found meaning in everything and everyone, dead or alive. They all had a role to play, whether they realized it or not, whether some aspects of their lives felt incomplete in their last moments, like Adam must have felt, or there was no one to acknowledge their value, like Jon, the valiant Underground thief. And they had to suffer, _of course_ they did, because otherwise they would remain blind to their own strengths, they would be unable to appreciate their accomplishments, they would take precious things like freedom, friendship and love for granted.

She looked at Levi, and it was like she was seeing him for the very first time. Everything about him was so clear; his unending will to honor his fallen comrades, his love for her and their baby, his shortcomings and errors – they all made sense. How could she blame him? Why should she worry about how his feelings sounded to her ears, when they had a lifetime to figure everything out?

And how could he doubt her and himself and continue to succumb to his demons, when her mere presence in his life proved that he had no excuse to do so?

“Levi, I… I can’t wait for you to see it,” F/N smiled brightly, her E/C orbs swimming with a childlike excitement that she’d thought was long lost. “I can’t wait for you to see your life after the fighting ends.”

He gazed at her tenderly, bringing her hands up to his lips. He didn’t need to detail his own thought process and she didn’t need to hear an explanation from his side to know that they’d both been struck by the very same revelation.

“Then let’s end it.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, all, I am once again asking for your forgiveness, as they say. This was exactly what I hoped to avoid by writing the entire story before posting, but alas life happens and my mental health may or may not have turned into a shitstorm in the past months, hence the absence and the complete mental block. But I was never going to leave my baby unfinished, and here it is. Of course you're getting both of the last chapters, and I'm taking the opportunity to say a MASSIVE thank you to all of you who read and commented while I was away in my cave. You're all beautiful and wonderful and this whole ride wouldn't have been nearly as rewarding without your support.  
> A special, monumental thank you goes to my bby Nefeli, thanks to whom I have an even bigger love for this story. It made me gain a best friend, which I never expected in a million years, yet here we are. Thanks for all the love and laughs and knife emojis and rants and everything in between <3  
> Also, can I just say some parts of this story did NOT age well (I was shooketh too, okay, I swear I never expected it, and IM SORRY) and it's safe to say I'm super happy to post this before we're all wrecked by the end of the manga. Yes, I'm scared. No, I'm not okay.  
> Lastly, I can't wait to be back with new works, but that will probably happen once I'm done with my dissertation (Lord help me). For now though, a huge, fat hug goes out to all of you and please stay as happy and healthy as you can during this hellhole of a year <3 I hope the end is worth the wait and, without further ado, it's a long ride ahead so please enjoy! <333

Levi briefly stopped to peek through the palace windows, watching the revolution as it thundered outside. Just like F/N had said, it had only taken a spark to ignite an all-encompassing fire, a small nudge to get the population out of their homes and rebelling in the streets. The Jaegerist forces could withstand and parry a popular revolt, but not the kind they were currently dealing with, not a movement so splendidly orchestrated.

The people wouldn’t remember being incited and led into battle by the former Scouts. They wouldn’t remember using Faroqi weaponry to fight back against their corrupt leadership. They would never even know that the Marleyan and Faroqi forces were gathered around the borders, ready to offer support in case their efforts weren’t enough.

The people would remember bravely standing up against an oppressive regime, and they would hail the leaders of the rebellion as heroes who returned to save them.

For the first time in his life, Levi was not taking part in the violence. It wasn’t his battle to win, nor his feat to accomplish, or his nemesis to defeat. He left that to his brats, whom he trusted with all his heart. By the looks of it, they were doing a stellar job too – a part of him wished that Hange, Erwin, Mike and all the other fallen veterans were watching, from wherever they were, as their true successors took their rightful place and fought to bring closure to all of their efforts.

“Is this the freedom you were promised?!” Mikasa’s voice, normally either icy or mellow, now thundered throughout the streets. She was fire, she was power, she was unstoppable. No one would have been able to surmise that she’d barely just stared death in the face and survived, and no one could see the dry tear tracks on her pale skin. No one could have dared to keep her behind, broken as her heart may be.

The angered booing of the crowd was music to the Scouts’ ears, Levi was sure. The hunched over forms of their former comrades, with Floch at the forefront, awaiting execution – not so much. It was a bitter, bitter fight, made tolerable in the past by the greater disdain they all held towards Starke. Now, though, no Starkan airship was in sight to dull the ache of betrayal; completely blindsided by the Faroqi intervention, they’d predictably left their allies to fend for themselves whilst they devised a new strategy.

“How does this… make you any better?” Floch choked on his blood, glaring up at the Scouting Legion’s renegades with nothing but spite. He’d been beaten within a bare inch of his life – but not by them, no. By the mob they’d had to pry off him before it could maul him to death.

“It’s not about being better,” said Armin, without moving his gaze from the crowd. Whether it was because he couldn’t bear to look at his comrade-turned-nemesis or because the fire encompassing all Jaegerists flags was too enthralling – that was anybody’s guess. “It’s about fighting for what we believe in. We believe that freedom means being given a choice, not _making_ it for everyone on account of _knowing better_. Eren thought differently, you think differently, Victor Baal thinks differently.”

An unexpected spark of bravery had his cerulean eyes lowering to set on Floch. “Eren is dead, you will die, Baal will die. Think of that what you will.”

The redhead bristled, his feral features morphing into nervous, twisted amusement. Armin, Jean and Connie shared a look – they’d all seen madness before, and this was no different.

“If you think you’ll achieve peace this way, then I’m sorry for you. That mob is just that – a _fucking mob_. They’re selfish and uneducated and their beliefs change like the seasons. Let them make choices and the very second things don’t work perfectly, they’ll maul you just like they did me. And your _‘allies’_?” he scoffed, his swollen face turning a little bit more blue. “So you made some foreign friends. You may or may not remain friends until you die. And then your successors may or may not follow in your footsteps for some generations, until someone else wants the bigger stick and our countries will be at war all over again. It _doesn’t end_ , and I can’t believe you of all people would be dumb enough to believe it will.”

Jean gazed at him with a mixture of pity and disgust, the Commander’s jewel at his collar reflecting the fire raging around. “You’re not wrong. That _is_ how countries work.”

The confusion written on Floch’s face was painfully visible, but Mikasa had had enough. She had been riling up the people to the point where they could barely hear their own thoughts, perhaps as her own way to scream her anguish into the void. However, the second she whipped around, rifle at the ready, they all knew conversation was over. And, amongst all of them, the brunette had the least sympathy or remorse.

“It’s not us who deserve to make this choice – it’s you all!” she growled, echoed by an approving cheer. “What do _you_ decide?!”

“Death! Death! Death!”

Instead of pulling the trigger, Mikasa brought a civilian forward, wordlessly handing the weapon to the young man. He asked no questions, and immediately took aim.

Just as the bullets hit their targets, Levi felt Historia’s hand on his forearm.

“I know they’ve killed so many of our comrades… but I wonder if execution was the right call,” she sighed, her palms still sweaty from the tornado of emotions she’d experienced. From fearing that her son would not recognize her at all to completely breaking down into sobs as Henry’s little arms furiously attempted to encompass as much of her as they could, the Queen had called it a miracle. Levi called it a promise well kept.

His steely eyes sneaked a glance at the prince’s now slumbering little form – it was understandable that the kid was out like a light as soon as things calmed down in the castle. Although the Captain had hovered over him like a mother hen, Henry had needed to go where Levi went, which included the one-man massacre the brunet had brought upon the Jaegerists in the castle. He’d hidden the kid in a backpack so he wouldn’t have to see it, but the brat still deserved all the rest he could get.

Looking back at Historia, Levi couldn’t help a sigh of his own. “Leave them alive, their legacy lives with them. Imagine how your kid would turn out if Eren were still around, even locked away for life.”

She noticeably shuddered, a grimace marring her youthful features. “…I’d rather not.”

“Hm. You have your friends back now,” he gave her a compassionate look. “Don’t look so constipated.”

_‘You don’t have to rule a nation and raise a child by yourself’_ was what he meant, and Historia understood him so clearly that she couldn’t help the breathy chuckle that escaped her lips.

“You’ve changed a lot.”

“No shit.”

She rolled her eyes. “You know, knowing who I left Henry with, I expected at least three ‘shits’ and ‘fucks’ to come out of his mouth. Instead, he asked me if he should be calling me ‘Your Majesty’.”

Levi snorted. “That kid’s way more polite than I want mine to be, though I doubt I’ll have much say in that,” he rubbed the bridge of his nose, a bittersweet expression inadvertently taking over his face at the thought. F/N may have forgiven him, but the Captain was not an idiot. He knew it wasn’t as easy as that, for either of them. And as much as his blood boiled knowing that she was placing herself directly in harm’s way by going to Starke, Levi trusted her unconditionally. It was the very least he could do after everything that happened, and the very first step that was needed for them both to heal.

That, however, did not mean he wasn’t geared and ready to go as soon as everything was stabilized in Paradise Island, and everyone except F/N was well aware of that. She was a genius when it came to the conceptual, but he was the expert in practice, and he knew better than anyone that things never went according to plan. Levi had done what she’d asked of him – and even if, by some miracle, everything went flawlessly on her end, he was at least going to be there to pat her on the back in the aftermath. If not, she could hate him for it, but he wasn’t letting anything happen to her, consequences be damned. He loved her, and he loved their child – he wasn’t afraid of that anymore.

So absorbed by his own inner monologue, he initially failed to hear Historia choking on her own breath, only realizing what he’d revealed when he glanced her way and noticed she strikingly resembled a puffer fish.

“You- What-“

“Don’t you have a speech to deliver? Your people are waiting for you.”

“Wait-“

“And this place needs a good deep cleaning. I can’t order you to do shit, but I’ll do it myself when I’m back if you don’t.”

* * *

Starke was a long distance away, but F/N still couldn’t help but envy Olivia and Sophia as she gazed at their slumbering forms. The train lightly rocked left to right, and the periodic _tha-thump_ of the engine was enough of a lullaby to coax most passengers into a deep sleep as the night sky remained gentle and dark.

Except for her and Kiyomi, that was.

F/N didn’t know what was preventing the Ambassador from getting some much needed rest, but for her it was a stressful concoction of factors. She wondered how Magath, Annie, Reiner, Falco and Gabi were holding up back in Marley, hoping to all deities listening that her predictions were right and Baal wouldn’t launch another attack so soon. She was nervously biting her cheek thinking about the orchestrated revolution in Paradise Island – based on Armin’s battle plan, they should have been successful by this time, but there was no way for her to find out, at least until her own little squad reached Starke. It was a strictly minimal-casualty plan, and yet had there been grave losses anyway? Were her comrades alive?

Was Levi alive?

This was all making her nauseous, and F/N knew that was the case because pregnancy-related symptoms were still a long time away. She hoped. Actually, who was she kidding – she had zero fucking clue. Did that make her a bad mother?

“My senses aren’t the most perceptive around, but I can smell your fried brain from over here,” Kiyomi murmured casually, moving her gaze away from the window to give her a look. “Perhaps even motion sickness?”

F/N sighed. “I’ll be fine. Thank you, Ambassador.”

Kiyomi hummed, apparently dissatisfied with the younger woman’s attempt to brush her off. “We’re all here courtesy of your eureka moment, F/N. If you’re having second thoughts, I’d like to know about them.”

“I am _not_. I am confident that this will work. There is nothing for you to worry about.”

“But?”

She bit her lip. Expressing her emotions still wasn’t her forte in any way, shape or form, particularly when it came to individuals she didn’t share a close bond with. That being said, F/N also couldn’t quite shake the knowledge that Kiyomi, of all people, had defended her when no one else had; even taking her old grudges into account, F/N couldn’t help the immense wave of gratitude she felt for the woman. Therefore, she wasn’t exactly inclined to lie to her.

“I just… I _want_ this. I really, _really_ want this and I feel it in my heart that it’s the right thing to do,” she whispered, stubbornly trying her very best to prevent her voice from cracking. “But I also don’t want to lose anyone else in the process. I don’t want to endanger my child’s life more than I have to, and I know that if _one_ thing goes wrong… so many people will die. Civilians from all sides, soldiers, friends, allies, these two brave girls whom I have such an _immense_ sense of responsibility for – dead, because my perfect puzzle was missing a piece.”

The Ambassador hummed in thought, her head leaning against the headrest. The train’s engine whooshed just as it entered a tunnel.

“That just means your perfect puzzle needs to be perfect indeed.”

The former spy bit her tongue to prevent herself from snorting. After such a long pause, she’d dared to expect some more inspired feedback.

“In all my life, I’ve never seen anything that’s ever come close to perfection,” Kiyomi continued, souring F/N’s disposition even further, to the point where she began to regret opening her mouth. “And I think it’s safe to say your comrades haven’t, either. If I’m being honest, most of us would scoff at even the word itself.”

“I-“

“And _yet_ ,” the older woman didn’t give her a chance to interrupt, “And yet… here we are. We know what’s at stake just as well as you do, and we know there is no plan B. We’re staking our lives and our future on something that has never been done before – and we are doing it because we have _faith_ in this theory of yours. So much so that we’re willing to take the risk of disappearing off the face of the earth, just to be able to see it come to fruition. That’s how much we _all_ believe in it, in _you_ , F/N, regardless of anything else that has happened – remember that before you second guess yourself.”

Her breath hitched. The train emerged from the tunnel, just as the first glimmer of sunrise touched the sky.

“You’re right,” she smiled, offering a gentle wave to the girls who were groggily opening their eyes. “It _will_ be perfect, Ambassador. I’ll make damn sure of it.”

* * *

It felt bittersweet, finally being home again.

Her eyes lingered on every person in the establishment, noticing the deeply ingrained fear that controlled all of their actions. The taste of Starkan tea felt foreign, and yet so familiar still. She heard her mother tongue being spoken all around, in hushed and skittish tones. Her gaze sometimes drifted towards the massive balcony from where Baal was soon going to emerge, giving a speech about whatever grandiose actions he was going to undertake given the unforeseen Faroqi intervention in the war and the successful revolution in Paradise Island. That was the talk of the entire capital, and an immense boost of confidence for F/N once she became privy to the information. Knowing that her comrades were safe in their reclaimed home made her feel truly unstoppable.

F/N had chosen everything, from the restaurant, to the table she was seated at, to her beverage, with a carefully planned reason. She knew that Olivia and Sophia were among the crowd of people in the market square right below Victor’s balcony, she knew that Kiyomi and her elite team of diplomats had spent the past hours reaching out to all the people from the political class who could be talked into cooperating, she knew that Shaimeh, who’d taken a separate route to Starke, was ready to put their plan into motion as soon as she gave the signal.

And, as she gazed at the person taking the seat in front of her, she’d also known that Joey would respond to her bold invitation.

“You don’t look too well,” she commented, taking in his ragged appearance. The playful blue eyes she’d gotten used to were bloodshot and squinted, his shoulders hunched and heavy. Joey barely met her stare.

“…What do you want, F/N? Please don’t force me to reveal that you’re here. I… don’t want you on my conscience too.”

“How are Marie and the others?” the young woman asked instead, taking a sip of her tea without breaking eye contact. “You got them out of Marley so quickly that I didn’t get to thank her for her gift to me.”

Joey’s eyes traced the way she caressed her stomach, a pained expression crossing his face. “It doesn’t change anything if I apologize. You know I would do it all over again.”

“I know. I understand why you did it. I think Anya and Adam did too.”

“…They did.”

She glanced sideways, watching as Baal emerged among a round of forced applause. A light snort escaped her mouth at how he was actively trying to conceal the limp in his step. That had been a good shot on her part.

“F/N, what are you doing here?” Joey leaned over the table, desperate to draw her attention back to him. “You know what he’ll do to you if he finds out you’re here, after how you screwed him over in Marley. The Faroqi joining the war, you knowing the weapon’s location, not being able to capture Henry and now a revolution in Paradise Island – it made him mad enough to consider using the damn bomb. Can’t you see there’s no way to win this? The smallest thing will make him lose it!”

“There _is_ a way to win,” F/N turned back to him, just as Victor’s voice boomed in the market square. “And I’m here because I want your help.”

Joey gasped in disbelief. “You need _my_ help? Are you mad? What in the world makes you think I’m going to help you?”

“I don’t _need_ your help. I _want_ it. This can go two ways, and they’re both fine by me,” F/N leaned back in her chair, bringing one knee up comfortably and following the events in the market square as she spoke. She caught Sophia’s gaze and gave a subtle nod. “One, you help me and no one dies, including your family. Two, you don’t help me, I get my ass on a plane and go to another city, where it will be easy to blame the carnage here on Baal.”

“Carnage?”

As if on cue, the entire place suddenly turned dead silent. People froze in place, and Victor’s voice died in his throat. F/N smirked.

Sophia and Olivia had booed.

The quietness lasted for one moment, and then the world exploded with noise. The crowd began to holler angrily, with individuals of all backgrounds forgetting their activities to join the displeased manifestation. F/N’s eyes curiously traced the various journalists who’d gathered to broadcast Victor’s speech, and satisfaction bubbled in her chest when she noticed that they were continuing to do so instead of cutting everything off – Kiyomi had done her job, as had the local resistance, who’d brilliantly channeled its efforts even on such short notice. The entire country was soon going to be out into the streets.

Joey’s eyes widened, the breath leaving his lungs. “What are you doing, F/N?”

“Here’s what I want you to do. Since you have unlimited access, I want you to go into the library, kill every single one of Victor’s pawns, get that weapon out of there and meet me on the hill at the edge of the city in one hour,” she laid it out calmly. “If not… I suggest you get your siblings and start running. But I don’t know how far you’ll be able to get – I’ve never seen it in my lifetime.”

The wheels in Joey’s brain turned and turned and turned, until they came to a screeching halt. He went limp.

“You’re going to…”

F/N placed some of her national currency on the table and got up to leave, but she gave her former teammate a look over her shoulder. Her eyes were dancing with flames.

“Burn it to the ground.”

* * *

“You infidels! You idiots! There are foreigners among you, they are manipulating you!” Victor bellowed, watching in horror as his troops, already weakened and demoralized yet promptly ordered to massacre civilians for their disobedience, fell at the hands of disguised Faroqi, Marleyan and Hizuru soldiers. They had brilliantly mingled with the local population, but even if the residents had been privy to that information, they wouldn’t have cared. They were people whose parents, sons and daughters had been killed, fighting a madman’s war; they were mere humans who were living off of stale bread and unfiltered water, because the entire economy was manufactured to cater to the war efforts; no amount of lies and propaganda could erase hunger and grief.

“Where the _fuck_ is Joey?! Where’s the air force? Where is my damned helicopter?!”

His desperate yelling was addressed towards his office, where his personal advisors had scrambled to direct a response to the chaos mere seconds ago. However, Victor’s eyes remained transfixed on the events outside for a few moments too long – when he finally whipped around in a bout of fury, ready to unleash hell on those who were not moving fast enough to quench the revolt and ensure his personal escape, the dictator froze in shock. All of his military and political aides lay in pools of blood on the floor, staining the expensive, embroidered carpets that adorned his office. Once he drowned out the boos and howls of the revolt, he was able to hear the static coming from the computers and radio stations – since Victor was adamant on controlling every single order that was issued, now that the equipment had somehow been rendered unusable, it explained the confusion among his loyal Starkan troops. No other general was allowed to take initiative without his permission, therefore the army was left to operate in complete disorganization.

In the split second of utter panic that followed this realization, Baal had to make a decision on what to do.

Instead of grabbing his pistol and confronting whoever had killed his accolades, or trying to regain control of the radio stations in order to issue orders, or even making a run for the exit in an attempt for self-preservation, he did something else entirely. He leapt over the bodies littering his spacious office, completely ignoring the wound in his leg, and slammed his open palm against the wall.

A blue light enveloped his hand, scanning his fingerprints, and the wall opened to reveal a red button encased in glass. Madness swirling in his eyes, his hand formed a fist and he took aim.

“Not in your wildest dreams.”

Victor heard her voice before he felt the blade at his throat. And when he did, he instantly realized it wasn’t a mere threat; although he couldn’t feel the pain of it due to adrenaline, he could feel blood trailing down his skin.

His fist remained still, a hiss dying in his punctured throat. Looking down behind his shoulder, Baal fixated F/N with a glare that she wouldn’t forget for the rest of her life. “How the _fuck_ did _you_ get in here?!”

The normally unstable dictator had morphed into the picture of lunacy, but it didn’t faze F/N. Not anymore. Not ever again.

“Get on your knees. It’s over.”

She could have given him a satisfying speech about how wrong he was, how stupid he was to believe he wouldn’t fall into his own trap. She could have preached her own beliefs, which, at their very core, were principles that all nations in the world shared to some degree. She could have given herself the opportunity to get revenge on the person who’d wrecked her world in so many different ways and had littered her body and mind with scars.

But she didn’t – she finally understood. F/N was a highly rational person, so logic resonated with her the most. Victor, however, was anything but. Trying to get him to see reason had been her greatest error for years. His idea of rationality was so convoluted, so utterly _twisted_ that any spoken arguments were, quite simply, futile. As difficult as it had been for her to accept, the young woman now knew that, as much as she hated it with all her might, sometimes a blade and a bullet spoke louder than words.

True to that train of thought, F/N allowed herself no room for hesitation. When he failed to follow her command, she brutally kneed the back of his leg, right where she’d previously shot him. The gargled groan of pain as he fell to the floor sparked neither pity, nor gratification. She made sure to completely immobilize him as quickly as possible, only allowing a quiet sigh of relief once the red button was wholly out of his reach.

“…It’s not over.”

The former spy ignored him, even as he broke into laughter whilst she handcuffed him.

“Alright, alright, I admit it – I lied to you. I did think about using the weapon; actually, I built four different, smaller bombs. One has its trajectory set for Marley, one for Paradise, one for Hizuru. In hindsight, I should’ve made even more, but you can’t know _everything_ , right?”

“Get up.” _And shut up._

“You’re not at all curious what I did with the fourth one?” Victor smirked, almost innocently. “You see, the three I told you about are built into one missile, which is meant to split upon being launched and can be detonated by pressing that button. The fourth one, though…”

As much as she’d steeled herself not to do this exact thing, F/N’s eyes betrayed her and they looked down at him when he turned his face towards her. His tongue slithered out for her to see, and she couldn’t help it – she jumped back instinctively, as if burned. “You…”

Victor cackled, the periodic yellow light emanating from within his tongue taunting her. “Surprise, surprise! I had this done after coming back from Marley – I should thank you, since you made me furious enough to consider it. You shoot me, I detonate,” he offered casually, visibly relieved by the increasing horror on F/N’s face. His entire demeanor switched upon feeling like he was regaining the upper hand.

“Oh, and I should mention I am a walking powerhouse of radioactivity – we’re still not very familiar with its effects, but all the specialists who were involved in the procedure are either dead or dying. They encased the bomb itself in some chemical concoction that should prevent me from dying on the spot, but I still have around a week of life left – more than enough time to destroy some hopelessly idiotic countries here and there.”

“Y-You’re insane,” F/N gasped, her entire body itching to get as far away from him as possible; she needed to get her shit together, _fast_ , but how the hell was she supposed to kill him now? She was beginning to hyperventilate at the mere thought that she’d touched him in the first place.

“You know, actually, I wish neither of us had to die so soon. I’m suddenly very curious – since you got so physically close to me, I wonder if it would have any effect on you, more specifically your child. I wonder if they’d be born with two heads, maybe two sets of limbs? Some accounts from the past told the most _fascinating_ things.”

She felt sick to her stomach, and desolately alone in that very moment; Adam would have known what to do, Hange too. F/N suddenly wished for _any_ of her comrades’ presence, dead or alive, and her brain chose to remember Levi’s reluctance to see her going to Starke at the worst possible time. Out of every possible scenario, she had failed to foresee this one, and she couldn’t even begin to comprehend the cost of that mistake.

“What’s the matter, F/N? You didn’t think I had the balls to die for my cause?” Victor chuckled, rising to his feet and approaching her like a predator. Even handcuffed and visibly injured, he felt so menacing that the young woman was rendered frustratingly paralyzed. The part of her brain that still fought to function was berating her for her weakness, but most of her thoughts were dominated by the earth-shattering fear of what this monster may have done to her and her child.

“It seems to me like _you’re_ the one who’s afraid,” he continued, relishing in her terror. “I remember you knowing better, but I can’t blame you too much, I suppose. Motherhood is known to ruin women. Even so… I can’t help but think of the _dirtiest_ things when I look at you. Force of habit, I think.”

He was going off into a monologue again, and F/N desperately tried to take advantage of that and _think_. She could run, but Victor’s faithful pawns would soon arrive at the scene and that would ensure his escape. She could throw everything to the wind and stab or shoot him, but that would unleash hell on the entire city. She would have been detected instantly if she entered the building wearing an earpiece, so she couldn’t even warn her comrades that things had gone awfully wrong.

What the hell _could_ she do?

“Think of it. _Just_ as I reach climax inside you, I shoot myself – or, I’ll even let you shoot me, I can give you that satisfaction. You can use a knife if you want as well, anything metallic that would penetrate deep enough to break the chemical barrier. Then, _boom_. What an end that would be, don’t you think?”

“So it’s only metallic objects that will make you shit fireworks, huh?”

That wasn’t her voice speaking, but it was one she knew just as well. F/N’s head whipped around in pure shock and, for the first few seconds, she wondered if Levi had appeared as a hallucination in the doorway, eyes murderous and clenched fists white. When Baal’s expression mirrored hers, however, a mixture of relief and an even deeper fear washed over her.

“L-Levi-“

“Ah, I didn’t notice you there, Captain. Very rude of you to intrude, F/N and I were having a moment.”

“I asked you a question, you piece of shit.”

The brunet looked completely stiff, but it had taken all of his self-control to stand still during everything he’d witnessed. His heart had fallen to the pit of his stomach, much like F/N’s, when he realized what exactly Baal’s trump card was, but just like her self-preservation instincts were in overdrive, so were his protective urges. As much as he itched to cut the fucker’s tongue out for the bullshit he’d heard him spewing, Levi had hoped to hear an inkling of information he could use to his advantage.

And he had. The dictator’s feral expression was as much of an answer as he required.

What followed were purely battle instincts and Ackerman genetics kicking in; few others, if any, could have reacted in time, but it was as though Levi _felt_ the gunshots before they even manifested into existence. Three bullets embedded themselves into the spot where F/N stood milliseconds ago, and the Captain didn’t even take a moment to wonder what kind of genetic meddling allowed Victor to break out of his handcuffs like that. Levi was solely fixated on how the madman attempted to kill the woman he loved in order to create a distraction, and it showed in the way he purposely jumped over the desk behind which he left F/N, completely unfazed by the gun being pointed at him.

It had all happened so fast that the young woman hadn’t even had time to blink. She gasped, finally coming to her senses and peering over the sturdy wood only to see Baal desperately shooting one, two, three, four more times, only for the Captain to dodge so effortlessly that it very much resembled child’s play. F/N had witnessed his proficiency time and time again, but never like this; it seemed as though he wasn’t even human.

For the first time in history, she and Baal were on the same page – as a consequence, the dictator opted to do the only thing left to be done, and he turned the barrel of the gun towards himself, making F/N’s heart sink. But he didn’t get to pull the trigger. The weapon flew out of his hand, his wrist nearly flying with it at the sheer force of Levi’s kick. Baal fell to his knees, howling in pain.

The brunet wasn’t nearly finished, however. Half testing the waters, half giving into a desire he’d had for almost as long as he’d known F/N, he broke and twisted muscle and bone until Victor became little more than a heap of groaning flesh at his feet.

“Stop it,” she managed, finally rising to her feet. “He’s-“

“Lying to your face,” was the instant reply. Much as they’d both felt otherwise, he still could read her mind. “The amount of radiation he’s emanating isn’t enough to cause serious damage unless you get his body fluids on you. The human body couldn’t withstand housing that much nuclear material without collapsing on the spot, so the amount that’s stored in him would only be enough to destroy this building, if that. His puppets were probably too afraid of him to reveal as much, so what he said was pure fear mongering and a fat load of bullshit,” Levi briefly dangled his earpiece to suggest their comrades had heard every word he had, and that the information likely came from Hizuru scientists who’d quickly assessed the situation and reported back to the Captain. “Isn’t that right, you fucker?”

Although monumentally relieved, F/N suddenly felt like a complete moron. She’d allowed Victor to get to her, _again_ , and that could have cost everything had Levi not followed her to Starke despite her initial refusal. She’d thought that having him there would cause her judgment, or his, to sway – yet there they were. She’d spoken of perfection to Kiyomi, and there she was, having nearly blown it all.

The brunet failed to notice the distress on her face right away, seeing as he was otherwise occupied. “Now all that being said, if I had it _my_ way, I’d get all up in your filthy organs and pull everything out with my bare hands – I’ve gotten prosthetics before, it doesn’t faze me one bit. But this is a minimal-casualty operation and I don’t know what other crazy ass tricks you may have up your sleeve, so consider this mercy.”

She wasn’t looking, but she could tell Levi was strangling him to death by the telltale gargled noise. Her eyes flew to his hands, however, and F/N exhaled in relief upon seeing he’d had the mind to wear gloves, since she’d so recklessly drawn blood from Baal’s throat; that was all she needed to see there.

Levi hadn’t asked her if she wanted to be the one to kill him, and the young woman was grateful for that. She did not. She found no sense of satisfaction in things like that, which the Captain was well aware of, plus she was barely in the right state of mind. The unexpected force of her panic and the crushing weight of failure were keeping her busy enough.

“Thank you,” F/N managed to murmur once Levi rose from the ground, job done. That was when he finally seemed to notice the expression on her face.

“What’s with that face? It’s all over. They’ve been singing victory after victory in my ear all this time. All that’s left for you to do is give Shaimeh the signal, take this fucker’s body and meet with Joey, right?”

“Right.”

He squinted, trying to figure out if Baal somehow managed to traumatize her more than expected, despite his reassurances and the resounding victory they’d managed to achieve on all fronts, which for Levi was so fucking incredible that he would have been dancing in the streets had he been a different kind of person. Why the fuck did she look so defeated?

“Oi. Don’t tell me you’re trying to be a perfectionist about this,” it clicked, and his tone had a warning edge to it. F/N shook her head, but she couldn’t find her words in time – Levi surprised them both by chuckling in disbelief, which soon turned into full blown laughter.

When he met her flabbergasted stare, his gaze was so affectionate that she almost forgot about everything else that had happened between them. It almost felt like nothing had. “You belong in fancy international conferences where they serve those expensive ass wines and ‘duck coffee’ and people call each other assholes in riddles that rhyme. _Not_ on the battlefield,” he snickered, echoing his very first impression of her. He still stood by it – she was in no way made for the military, and that was a fact. “You do realize that we’ve never achieved a victory of this scale with so little losses before, right? Everything you said _worked_. Only you would berate yourself for needing help even though you were up here all alone, you’re pregnant for fuck’s sake and you were dealing with a fucking maniac.”

His snarky words of reassurance made a smile lighten her features, some of the weight being lifted off her shoulders. “…It’s _duck confit._ You should know that.”

“ _Bordel de merde_ , how could I have gotten that wrong.”

If Levi’s face wasn’t giving it away, it was clear from his lighthearted sarcasm just how happy he was, now that they’d pretty much wrapped up the fighting. It made her giggle, which was a more than welcome sound to his ears. She carefully removed the gloves from his hands and took them in hers, reminiscent of the night before the battle when she’d promised him he would get to see a life without war.

“Thank you for being here.”

He gave her wrist a squeeze. “I know I made you feel alone, we all have. But you’re not. You don’t have to do everything by yourself.”

F/N smiled, a bittersweet but genuine one. Her gaze drifted towards the distance, where the large, imposing stature of the Starkan library overlooked the world, almost arrogant in its stability whilst a new age came to life below it.

“Will you do the honors?” Levi asked knowingly. She didn’t answer, but removed herself from him and walked into the balcony among rounds of enthusiastic cheering; not everyone knew who she was, but her symbolic presence there was enough to signal the end of a tyrant’s reign.

Many speeches had been delivered from that balcony, and F/N sworn to herself that this would be the last. There was a view of the entire city, the rich and the poor, the hills and the plains – too much for one single pair of eyes to encompass and attempt to dominate. Whilst rehearsing, she’d desired to attempt to gaze at every single person; she felt for them, she’d mourned with them, she’d suffered just like them.

And yet, her pupils kept fixating on the library, the place that held knowledge and history from centuries, millennia ago, the place where she’d spent more than half of her life.

The place that had nearly gotten the world destroyed, a second time.

Was it wrong to think burning it to the ground would prevent people from doing calamitous things in the future? Yes.

Was it valuable knowledge, going down the drain? Yes.

And yet, was it really wrong to cleanse this new world of the old one’s catastrophic sins? Was it really so horrible of her to destroy something that had caused the Curse of Ymir, the death of millions, the ambitions of a madman? Was it dreadful to hope that their post-apocalyptic world would reject its greedy predecessor from that point forward?

F/N didn’t hold the key to eternal peace, and she didn’t claim to. But she knew a thing or two about people, so when she asked the masses what they wanted to do with what they knew to be the Parliament, the so-called symbol of Victor’s rule, she already knew what their answer would be.

“Burn it! Burn it!”

She raised her hand, giving Shaimeh the signal.

* * *

“That was a clever lie.”

“You knew I was lying,” F/N countered, watching as the flames continued to consume the library and everything within. Even the grass she was sitting on was warm, but perhaps that was from the steam Joey emanated when he emerged from his titan form. The bomb was tightly enclosed in the Beast Titan’s hands, as was Victor’s dead body, and her former teammate gave her a humorless chuckle, sitting next to her.

“Yes. You wouldn’t take the chance to kill innocents. It’s not like you. You knew I’d do it.”

“And you did. Thank you for that.”

Joey hummed. “Don’t thank me… he could have killed you. He didn’t tell me there was a bomb inside him – I probably lost his trust when I didn’t put up a fight against Adam and Anya.”

“All’s well that ends well.”

“I guess… I could have never thought of something like this, you know, for all my supposed geniality.”

F/N cracked a half-smile. “Of course not. You’ve never once allowed yourself to think of what _you_ wanted.”

“Not everyone does,” he sighed. “But I guess there’s no excuse for me not to think about it now. You already know what I want.”

“I know. But it doesn’t have to be that way.”

“Don’t lose your thunder now, F/N,” he playfully shoved her, and the young woman finally glimpsed the real side of him again, the side which he’d shown them so openly that he’d had them all fooled. “All of your efforts will be in vain if you half-ass it. You won’t be able to build the world you want as long as this weapon still exists.”

“…We can have it professionally destroyed.”

“And have those professionals knowing its formula, after I went through the trouble of killing everyone who worked on building it?”

She bit her lip, her eyes flitting to his face sadly when Joey put a hand on her shoulder. “Hey. It’s fine. I’m fine with this, and I don’t mind meeting up with Anya and Adam so they can kick my ass in whatever way they do it on the other side. Anya’s probably been practicing her intangible punches waiting for me to get there,” he quipped, making F/N chuckle despite her sorrow. “I know my family is in good hands now, and _you_ have so much more to think about. Building this new world that you want is going to be a pain in the ass, not to mention you haven’t even had the time to be excited about being a mom.”

She gave him a heartfelt smile, pulling him into a hug. “I’ll make it worth your sacrifice.”

“I know you will.”

F/N watched him transform again, and returned the cheeky wave he offered before disappearing into the forest with Baal and the weapon.

She was never going to see him, Victor or that bomb again, but she would forget none.


	19. Chapter 19

“Thank you all for your approval. If there are no other inquiries, please sign here.”

Kiyomi gladly invited all representatives in attendance to sign their newest economic agreement, standing up in front of the massive map that covered the entirety of one wall in their conference room. After so many years, F/N still couldn’t stop staring at it, even as she enthusiastically etched her own signature on the document in question.

She remembered the referendum as if it were yesterday, the populations of three different nations putting the last piece of her puzzle in place with one stamp. Where borders once lay drawn on the map, now there were peaceful waters and plains. Where the names of three countries were once displayed, now there were provinces that celebrated their individualities whilst slowly accepting the others as brethren. And, as her E/C orbs caught Shaimeh’s gaze, she was confident that a fourth was soon to be added.

“You’ve been attending conferences on behalf of the tribes much more often lately,” F/N remarked casually on her way out, after carefully depositing her tablet and papers in her work bag. She was wearing a black pencil skirt, a sky blue shirt neatly tucked into it and she would have foregone the knee-length blazer given the warm weather, if it weren’t Marleyan couture. After becoming acquainted with the journalists’ raging interest in whatever she and her colleagues chose to wear, F/N had made a point of mixing and matching fashion trends from different territories, which never went unnoticed or unappreciated. Heels were the only exception – she still retained enough battle instincts to stay away from those.

Shaimeh offered a shy, albeit proud smile. “I think my father is finally realizing that times are changing. Since there is no one to engage in illegal commerce or mercenary work anymore, the tribes need a new approach.”

“And what do your people think of this new approach?”

The Faroqi had been the only ones refusing to even organize the referendum, anything resembling democracy being a faraway concept for them at the time. However, they had remained official allies and partners, as well as close observers of the pseudo-federation’s evolution. F/N had shied away from any old political terms when defining what they had built, opting to simply call it a supranational union of autonomous provinces. It erased any risks of historic comparisons, while also allowing each province to mostly self-govern thus preventing too big a change from what people were familiar with, as well as preventing any one person or group from attaining an excessive amount of power. Lastly, it was plainly attractive to the ear – the word _union_ in itself excluded any idea of war, whilst showcasing the expression of free will that had led to its creation. The end goal was to attract other nations until the concept of power dynamics between states became outdated, but F/N doubted this would be achieved in her lifetime. She was, however, brimming with excitement on the inside when Shaimeh scoffed.

“Duh, they want _in_. You’re all richer than you’ve ever been, your tourism is soaring, your infrastructure has exceeded ours and don’t get me started on the technological advancements. The day my father retires is the day I’m sending out the ballots.”

F/N, who was now formally the Starkan province’s chief foreign representative, would have said something in reply, if not for three pairs of eyes boring holes into her back. Just as Shaimeh’s staff dutifully came to escort her to the afternoon tea gathering, the diplomat hurriedly offered an affectionate goodbye in order to turn around and raise a brow.

Reiner, Historia and Jean grinned sheepishly at her, even though they were all grown adults, sharply dressed and imposing respect on every other occasion.

“What’s so bad about the bloody tea gathering?” she rubbed her temples, already knowing what they wanted. It was custom to share tea and make small talk after a conference, but those three always seemed to hate it with a passion and they _always_ pestered her to get them out of it despite it being optional anyway. She actually wouldn’t have minded sitting down with Kiyomi, whom she hadn’t seen in months, or continuing her productive little chat with Shaimeh.

Historia, who supposedly only became a sassy, albeit mellow, darling after she was no longer queen and instead only chose to represent Paradise Island in foreign affairs, made a wide gesture with her arms and plastered a fake smile on her face.

“It is _boring_.”

“ _Painfully_ boring,” Reiner, who had stepped up to the role of representing Marley when Pieck revealed she wanted to live a normal life as a school teacher, saw it fit to add.

Jean nodded vehemently. “My head is already killing me, F/N, if I have to listen to _one_ more account on how we’ll split the salt mining in the ocean I’m going to-“

“You didn’t even _have_ to be here,” she fixated the military commander with a look, placing her hands on her hips. “We were discussing an economic deal, not a military-related agreement. You _begged_ to come.”

The two blondes snickered, as Jean’s face comically fell. F/N remained visibly confused until Reiner decided to put her out of her misery. “I believe it’s safe to say we are dealing with a severe case of near death by pregnant wife.”

The older woman snorted loudly, rolling her eyes. “You can’t be serious. It’s Mikasa we’re talking about, for goodness’ sake. You’re telling me you survived titans and war and you can’t deal with a mood swing or two?”

She was met with a heavy silence, but F/N only began to believe in Reiner’s theory when her eyes caught Historia flinching. She blinked, an involuntary shudder going up her spine – she hoped Eve was okay.

The sudden thought of her daughter had the former soldier’s heart clenching in her chest. Although the co-parenting strategy she and Levi had devised was objectively the very best they could do given their situation, being away from her child for up to more than a month at a time was beginning to take its toll on F/N. Her job required her to travel left and right, so when Eve was old enough to start attending school, she’d agreed with Levi that it would be better for her to live in Paradise Island permanently, with him. Neither of them wanted her moving and changing schools all the time because of F/N’s profession, or living in two different countries for half a year at a time; she deserved stability and friends and a normal life, even if her parents were separated and one of them had to travel almost constantly. F/N’s official residence was in the Starkan province, but she’d saved up and bought a small apartment in Paradise so she could really live there, near her daughter, when she wasn’t traveling. This conference ended another cycle of travels for her, so she couldn’t wait to settle down for a while and finally see Eve after 41 days. She’d counted.

“Alright,” F/N acquiesced out loud, already in a hurry to leave and using all of her self-control not to roll her eyes at her friends’ barely concealed giddiness. “You’re officially off-duty, not that any of you answer to me. I’ll probably see you later this evening at the military HQ, right?”

“Actually,” Historia chipped in. “We already made reservations for four people.”

“Reservations?”

“At… Springertime,” Jean still couldn’t quite bring himself to utter the name of Connie’s restaurant with a straight face, even though it had somehow become so successful that their former teammate was preparing to open a second location. _Somehow_ , because the food was infamous on the island for being, well, shitty.

It wasn’t the quality of the food that had F/N biting her lip in thought of an excuse, though, and Historia was the first to catch onto that. They’d only met after the war, but the two women had hit it off so well that the blonde was currently the closest thing F/N had to a best friend. Perhaps a part of it was due to their circumstances offering them an untainted past together, but F/N had never given that too much thought. She had taken the time to heal after the war, and she was working on that still.

The former queen’s blue eyes softened. “School time isn’t over yet, remember? It’s only barely lunch.”

“…Oh,” she sighed, quickly masking her disappointment, however, with a chuckle. “Right, silly me. Let’s go then, I’m starving.”

Upon being greeted by a piece of chicken so tough she could have used it in place of a bullet, F/N admitted to herself that _`starving`_ may have been overly zealous of her to claim. She couldn’t be upset, though, not when Connie was running back and forth in the establishment, covered in flour and yelling out the names of ingredients with mostly zero logic. That was the reason they all suspected for the restaurant’s success – free entertainment. The staff dynamics were too hilarious not to attract a crowd that was willing to overlook quality in favor of impromptu stand-up comedy, and none of them had the heart to tell Connie that his second restaurant may not be all that successful for this very reason.

As it was, the group of four politely declined his invitation to taste test the dubious-looking stew he called his newest creation, and instead they welcomed him at their table for a well-deserved break.

“Damn, I never thought running a business would take it out of me like this,” Connie laughed, wiping away at miscellaneous things that had crusted on his apron. “It’s so worth it though. I don’t get how you guys still get involved in the military and politics and all that.”

“The military comes easier to me than making bread,” Jean replied, only half sarcastically as he continued to struggle to bite into a rock that looked like a bun, but his friend did not quite catch the nuance of his tone. Instead, Connie shuddered.

“Did you try making bread for Mikasa?” he whispered sympathetically, to which Jean couldn’t help but snort, affectionately shaking his head.

“I’m sticking with pickles dipped in mustard at 5 in the morning. That seems to hit the spot.”

Reiner made a face, turning towards the women at the table. “Did you two have weird cravings like that when you were pregnant?”

“Hmm,” F/N hummed in thought. “I remember having huge cravings for mangoes. Not that weird, but bloody expensive.” Levi could attest to that – although they’d convened to remain separated until the time felt right, he’d continued to behave like a mother hen during the entirety of her pregnancy, and that included spending more than either of them were comfortable to admit on her very particular exotic fruit craving. She’d insisted she could buy her own, he’d had none of it, only complaining that their kid could sense her prissy upbringing from the womb.

Historia took a sip of her water. “I craved freedom.”

They simultaneously choked on whatever was in their mouths, her niche of dark/self-deprecating humor always managing to have that effect, regardless of her close friends being used to it by then. Connie cleared his throat loudly, a bead of sweat running down his forehead.

“So, uh, Reiner, how are Armin and Annie doing?”

The towering blond was more than happy with the change of subject, and it showed in the way he animatedly described the rather quaint little life the couple had built for themselves. How _exactly_ they’d settled into a relationship was still a mystery to all, but at least from what F/N had seen when she visited them in Marley a while ago, they seemed to be happy. Like many other people who’d emigrated between provinces, those two chose to settle there, with Armin accepting the offer to become the head of one of Marley’s most reputed universities and Annie shocking them all with her decision to build and manage a farm.

Reiner hinted that Armin may or may not have slipped, on the condition of sworn secrecy, that he was thinking of dropping the question to Annie, and although F/N would have scolded him for betraying his friend’s trust on any other occasion, she couldn’t help the enthusiasm bubbling in her chest at the idea. Not only were those two more than deserving of happiness and a normal life, but they hadn’t _all_ gathered together in one place since Mikasa and Jean’s wedding. It was long overdue.

“Can you imagine them with kids?” Connie laughed. “Actually, scratch that. Can you imagine _Annie_ with kids?”

“I don’t think they want kids,” F/N mused, recalling the way Annie shuddered from every joint during her visit whilst she was telling her what she considered to be a funny story about Eve. Her own, private opinion, was that Armin would be open to the idea if his lover were, but as it was, what they had seemed to be enough.

“It’s not like you guys make it look fun,” Reiner chuckled. “I completely understand the sentiment. Having to run after a spawn of Satan because they want to eat dirt ain’t my cup of tea either.”

Historia elbowed him, rolling her eyes all the way to the back of her head. “Henry did that _once_ , and it was because _someone_ suggested it might give him titan abilities.”

“Ow! Okay, okay, but c’mon, that shit was funny.”

F/N might have joined the banter, had she not felt two successive vibrations from her work bag. She opened it to fish out her proudly labeled Tesla tablet, wondering who was messaging her when she was off-duty and why.

Apparently oblivious to the growing terror on Jean’s face, Connie decided to support Reiner’s opinion. “Yeah, yeah, you can educate them all you want, but what happens when they grow up? I remember what _we_ were like when we were teenagers, and we were forced to grow up sooner because we were fighting wars. I think I’d lose my shit as a parent.”

At that, F/N stopped what she was doing, took one sole look at the commander’s face and clicked her tongue. “You’re just trying to freak him out for shits and giggles. Think of Gabi and Falco, for example. They turned out just fine.”

That was true – Gabi had practically flown through the ranks straight into the special ops, and Magath was personally training Falco to take his place as commander in the future. Her chest brimmed with pride at the thought, yet her eyebrows flew up when she saw that those two were the ones who’d messaged her, nearly at the exact same moment.

Falco’s email title simply read _“pls help”_ in bold letters, but it took all of her might not to drop the damn tablet when she read Gabi’s message below it.

_“SOS – HOW THE FUCK DO YOU PUT A CONDOM ON?!”_

By the time F/N was done furiously typing her response and blocking any unwanted mental images, Reiner and Connie were nearly at each other’s throats.

“Oi, back the fuck off!”

“What? It seems pretty fair to me. If you don’t have the balls to talk to her, I will.”

“Huh?” F/N eloquently inquired. Jean offered a resigned sigh.

“You see that woman in the corner, with the red hair and blue skirt? Connie’s been _‘in love’_ with her for ages now, and if you ask me she feels the same, because she’s a regular here and my intuition tells me it’s not because she likes the Special Springer Stew. But we can’t know for sure, because he hasn’t built up the courage to go and say hi yet.”

“ _Oh_ ,” she nodded in understanding, finally catching on to why Reiner, the resident player, had gotten on Connie’s nerves. The progressing situation suddenly began to smell oddly like none of her business, and F/N didn’t need to ask the other two in order to know they were fully in agreement. It wasn’t difficult to make a gracious retreat after leaving cash on the table either, but none of them felt too bad about it – the rowdy atmosphere made for good entertainment, after all.

It also was the perfect timing for F/N, because schools would open their gates in about half an hour and that gave her plenty of time to shower, change and make a beeline for the HQ where Levi most often took their daughter until his duties for the day were done with. As such, she hurried towards her apartment, groaning when she realized it was probably a dusty mess. It didn’t matter in that moment, though. She could clean it up once she returned.

* * *

F/N tried not to blush at the pristine condition of her apartment, but she couldn’t quite help it. She’d instructed the staff to leave her suitcase at the door, yet she found it conveniently unpacked and placed in storage. Not a single speck of dust was in the air, and the entire place smelled like her favorite fragrance diffuser that she’d stopped buying because she thought it pointless, since she was mostly traveling anyway. Not that the young woman doubted it, but upon a closer look, she saw a freshly acquired such diffuser on the living room table.

After showering and changing into a more comfortable attire of leggings and a white blouse, F/N took a moment to sit down on the couch and sigh. She hadn’t given Levi a key to her apartment for this purpose and he was well aware of that, but these little things he always did without her asking managed to poke at a part of her heart that she’d been shielding by throwing herself into juggling work and motherhood. The Captain had asked her what she wanted to do about their situation once and once only – ever since her decision to put anything resembling a relationship on hold, Levi hadn’t uttered a word of it. He was always there for whatever she and Eve needed, sometimes even more; he’d told her she would never have to face the world alone again, and not once had he gone back on his word.

And F/N would be a liar to claim there had been no `accidents` between them over the years, no instances where feelings had defeated logic, causing them to wake up naked and tangled in bed sheets.

But that was all they were. Accidents. Because it was unfair to all of them, to her, to him and to Eve, to try and rebuild something on a shaky foundation. She’d forgiven and understood him, just like she had all her other comrades, but love and commitment were different; and when F/N had tried to picture kissing him goodnight and waking up in his arms every day when he’d asked her the question, the young woman had flinched. And she’d known, in that moment, that she needed time.

Time, however, had turned into months, and then years. Eve was beginning to realize that her parents weren’t like others – they were friendly and caring of one another, but they never held hands or kissed. Her mother read her fascinating bedtime stories whenever she was around, but she never spent the night. Eve had taken both of their last names by way of hyphenation, while theirs remained separate.

Increasingly, F/N felt weighed down by guilt. She felt like she was putting Levi’s life on hold and lying to Eve, although the young woman was heart-wrenchingly truthful when she tried to explain to her daughter that she loved her father with all her heart, despite not being in a relationship with him. That was a conversation she’d needed to have the very night before departing for her scheduled conferences – children had a way of choosing their timing like that. The little girl couldn’t understand how two people could love each other _(‘because Daddy said the same thing’)_ , yet remain separated. And how could F/N blame her? She’d pushed this issue to the back of her mind whilst doing her duty, but now it was coming back in full force. The diplomat had no idea what exactly to say to either of them, but she knew that she needed to have a conversation with them both.

As such, when the Eldian soldiers welcomed her into the military base, trying to make a way bigger deal of it than what was needed, F/N felt nervous. As was the case with all of the union’s provinces, everything looked much more modern than she remembered from years ago. Gone were the ages of stables and muddy training grounds – the HQ, which now encompassed the entire military, was spacious enough to resemble a small town. Different areas were used for different types of training and specialties, housing an impressive arsenal of aircraft, tanks and modern weaponry. Skeptics had argued with her on the necessity of maintaining and developing the military in times of peace, but F/N had repeated to them what she’d said to herself on that fateful day when her eyes danced with flames – she knew how people’s minds worked, but peace had a mind of its own.

Despite the sheer magnitude of it, she knew the place like the back of her hand, so her feet took her to her destination on their own. Her brain was still whirring, so the young woman jolted in surprise when she walked into the hand-to-hand combat training area, only to hear Mikasa’s voice booming instead of Levi’s.

The very, _very_ pregnant Mikasa, who was seemingly demonstrating how to behead a human by force of a kick alone, a decidedly horrified Henry by her side.

“I-I think Captain Levi meant you could _verbally_ instruct-“

“It’s learning time, not talking time,” the brunette cut the young boy off, breaking the dummy into pieces while the recruits watched with a mixture of awe and terror. F/N had an inkling of an idea as to what was happening and she could already conjure a mental image of Jean suffering from an aneurysm, so she decided to be a hero and loudly clear her throat.

Predictably, all heads whipped towards her and recognition hit instantly among the young recruits. They likely would have broken formation and giddily gathered around her if not for the scary pregnant officer in the room – despite her wishes, F/N had inevitably made quite a reputation for herself. Even so, while they settled for a respectful salute, she could hear Henry’s sigh of relief from across the room. Mikasa thankfully put her foot back on the floor where it belonged.

“Oh. Hello, F/N. What gives?”

“Commander’s orders,” she lied, offering the soldiers a nod of acknowledgment. The former spy knew Jean well enough to feel comfortable giving orders in his name, if it meant avoiding a mental health crisis. “There will be a special training session tomorrow, so the rest of today’s training is suspended.”

“In that case, you’re all excused.”

Enthusiastic could not begin to describe the manner in which the soldiers scattered, and something told F/N they all had a newfound appreciation for Levi, who was in charge of direct combat and modified ODMG training. She returned Henry’s hug with a smile, marveling at how he was nearly tall enough to reach her shoulder.

“What kind of special training?” he asked, bluebell eyes shining with curiosity.

F/N offered a mysterious shrug. “You’ll have to wait and see,” she winked, well aware that Henry spent a lot of his time there after school, much like Eve, until Historia was done with her job. The kids’ presence brightened the soldiers’ days anyway, and the orderly HQ was the perfect place for them to do their homework.

In truth, F/N had no idea how to answer his question – she just knew Levi would make it special if she asked him to.

“You’re quite energetic,” the diplomat remarked towards Mikasa, careful with her words yet still doubtful that her friends were right to assume that whatever anger she had was solely caused by hormones.

Mikasa sighed, lowering herself on the chair Levi had probably provided before leaving her in charge for whatever reason. She ran a hand through her hair, which was much longer than F/N ever remembered. “Far from it. I’ve never been more tired.”

F/N cocked her head. “It didn’t look like it.”

“I’m _tired_ of not getting any sleep, being nauseous all the time and pissing myself every fucking time I sneeze,” the brunette clarified, forgetting about the kid in the room in that moment. “If someone could get their hand all up in there and pull this baby out of me, _then_ I would be energetic.”

The older woman leaned her head back in understanding – mystery solved. She remembered the unpleasantness of her own final month of pregnancy all too well and, upon remembering that Mikasa was due any day, it fucking made sense. Even someone with an uncanny tolerance to discomfort, like Mikasa, would eventually reach the end of their wits.

“I know your labor came all of a sudden and your water broke in the middle of a press conference,” the brunette groaned, reminding F/N of a moment that was definitely not her proudest. “But if you have any labor-inducing tips, I’m all ears.”

She hesitated at first, her eyes flitting down to Henry, but the expression on the boy’s face suggested he’d already been initiated anyway. “Well, I _have_ heard that sex might contribute to-“

“Jean! Jean!”

They stared at her back as she practically bolted through the doors, and F/N placed a hand on Henry’s shoulder. “Not a word of this to your mother and I solve your math homework?”

“For a week.”

“Deal.”

* * *

A part of her was slightly miffed by the unintentional cat-and-mouse game she had to play in order to find Levi and Eve, but once she did, F/N couldn’t find it in herself to be upset. She stopped a few meters away from the two, who were sitting on the grass with their backs turned to her – the fact that Levi voluntarily sat his fastidious behind on a surface that could stain was a testament to how Eve practically had him wrapped around her pinky.

F/N’s own eyes were drawn to the wide monument in front of them – the stark, white color that radiated with the last rays of sunlight made it inevitable. It was designed that way. Every major city of every province had an identical memento, black letters showcasing the names of all those who had fallen to build the world they now lived in. A world that was truly free.

She heard her daughter’s dulcet voice, and her gaze softened.

“Erwin Smith,” the little girl read slowly, turning to her father expectantly.

“He was commander of the Survey Corps.”

“Like Jean?”

“Kind of. He was a genius barely anyone could understand, brave and cruel if it was needed, and he was one of my best friends.”

Eve squealed in delight, suddenly much more interested. “How did you become friends?”

“He ambushed me and the other two friends I told you about, had my face shoved into a puddle and forced me to join the Corps.”

“Daddy!”

“What? It’s true,” Levi defended, and F/N didn’t need to see her daughter’s face to know that she was pouting like she always did when she thought her father was being sarcastic and snarky just to mess with her. In the little girl’s defense, he usually was.

“I wouldn’t be friends with anyone who had your face shoved into a puddle.”

Levi was noticeably holding back from chuckling. “Some would say I deserved it. The Underground mostly has museums in it right now, but people actually used to live there.”

Eve made a face. “But there’s no sunlight there.”

“They didn’t live well.”

He was skimping on details that a child objectively had no business knowing about, but the young girl seemed to understand his point well enough. She only deflated for one second before scanning the monument for another name, though.

“Hange Zoe?”

“She was commander of the Corps after Erwin. Also one of my best friends,” Levi said, using the same wistful tone. Perhaps his face didn’t show it, but he missed them all. Dearly.

Eve crossed her little arms, tilting her head to one side and giving her father a pointed stare. The Captain always said it was the perfect miniature version of F/N’s stern look, and the former spy always denied it vehemently although he was absolutely right.

“Why are you friends with all the commanders, Daddy?”

She would have hated nothing more than to interrupt that moment, so F/N smothered her laughter into her fist.

Mirth danced in Levi’s steely eyes as well, and he gave a nonchalant shrug. “Commanders are smart.”

“ _I_ think they just weren’t scared of you. Everyone else around says you’re scary and you swear a lot.”

“Do you want me to tell you about Hange or not?” he raised a brow. No one alive could sass him quite as well as his own daughter, a fact that F/N (and every other person who personally knew him, really) never ceased to get a monumental kick out of. Eve nodded enthusiastically in response to his inquiry, however, so Levi obliged. “She wasn’t afraid of anything; she was fascinated by the most dangerous things, actually. You couldn’t pry her away from whatever she set her mind to, and trust me, I tried. She was also messy and she could talk your ear off and she would have spoiled you rotten if she were around.”

Eve giggled. “She sounds fun. Would she let me eat chocolate for dinner?”

“Yes, and your mother and I would never let her babysit you after that.”

She groaned. Her parents were frustratingly unanimous when it came to most things, unlike other children her age. Eve couldn’t pull off stunts like going to the other when one of them set a rule in place, and every single person who’d babysat her in the past was too afraid of both of them to bypass any instruction. The only vague memory she had of them disagreeing was F/N putting her foot down once and saying something like _‘My daughter will finger paint even if I have to write a law and pass it through every province’s Parliament’_.

But Eve was still a child, so she was fairly quick to accept her minor inconveniences in favor of more interesting things.

“What about Anya Murphy?”

At that, Levi knowingly turned around towards F/N, betraying the fact that he’d known she was there all along. “I think your mother would know better.”

Eve finally noticed her presence, and a beaming smile lit up her features. She’d inherited most of them from F/N, but her eyes and the hilarious face she made when she was disgusted were all Levi.

“Mommy!”

F/N delightedly lowered herself to the ground to accept the incoming bear hug, her heart soaring in her chest when she was finally able to hold her daughter after such a long time. She didn’t miss the way Levi’s gaze softened as he watched them, but her eyes soon needed to follow the animated gestures Eve made as she threw herself into a little rant. F/N knew she’d acquired the habit of being slightly dramatic from her, since she had a tendency to launch herself into tirades whenever her job became unbearably frustrating, but frankly it was too adorable for her to correct that. “Mommy, you have no _idea_ the day I had! Michael picked on me again at school and this time Henry wanted to beat him up, but I stopped him because if you’re going to make someone cry, you should be able to do it without lifting a finger, so I told Michael the last time I saw something like him, I flushed it – Daddy told me to say that!” Eve defended instantly when F/N’s face darkened, and Levi’s expression was many things, but none of them was apologetic. “And everyone laughed at him, so he started crying, and Mrs. Dower got upset and asked to talk to Daddy but then after they talked she said she’ll take bullies more seriously from now on and I’m not in trouble! And then guess what?”

“Hmm?” F/N raised her brows with interest, still side-eyeing Levi’s fiercely proud expression – the diplomat was all in favor of their daughter standing up for herself, but such words would never come out of her mouth when F/N was around to have a say in it. The Captain knew that very well, and he was taking full advantage of it.

“Daddy said he’s proud of me for finally shutting Michael up, so today we would do whatever I wanted!” she exclaimed giddily, unable to help glancing back at her father, who offered an approving nod. Words of praise from Levi did not ever come for free, so whenever they were uttered, Eve knew they were genuine and her happiness could be seen from miles away. “And I wanted to see the monument and listen to stories about the people it was made for, so we left Mika in charge and came here! Did you know Daddy was friends with _all_ the commanders?”

F/N chuckled lightly, sitting cross-legged on the grass and gladly allowing Eve to plaster herself on her lap. She always behaved like a clingy little kitten whenever F/N returned after a prolonged absence, and far be it from her to mind; she rested her chin on top of her head, inhaling the comforting scent of her flowery children’s shampoo. Levi could say whatever he wanted about her prissy, noble upbringing, but F/N would argue that he was keeping their daughter more prim and proper than her own parents’ most expensive china set.

“I think this was a _great_ idea on Daddy’s part. Actually, I think we should also celebrate by making chocolate chip cookies for dessert tonight,” she grinned at her daughter’s excitement; not many things thrilled her as much as chocolate, and F/N knew when to keep quiet about her minor displeasures when more important things were at play. That kid had given Eve a hard time for months without repercussions, and they didn’t want to address that by using their authority without giving their daughter a chance to solve her own problems. Whichever way she’d gone about it, F/N could overlook right then. “Daddy may have to prepare a special training session tomorrow in order to stay friends with all the commanders, though.”

A single look was able to convey to the Captain the full message behind that statement, and he had half the mind to look as sheepish as Levi’s features could allow. “Noted.”

Despite the sky slowly darkening into twilight, Eve’s childlike curiosity knew no exhaustion, so F/N happily indulged her by telling her stories about her late friends. Levi’s pragmatic demeanor translated into the summary of a summary when it came to telling stories, and there was a reason why F/N always took on that activity every single time she could; Eve loved asking questions and receiving as many details as possible, which F/N was a master at procuring. She told her about Anya’s rough exterior and golden heart, making the little girl clutch her sides at the accounts of her verbal matches with Levi; she told her about how Adam seemed to laugh only when one of them was in trouble, and about how Sophia chose to follow in his footsteps and build an enterprise that bore their last name, creating technologies and devices like phones or tablets. Olivia had made a name for herself in a different, but no less remarkable manner – she was now the head of one of the biggest charitable organizations in all three provinces, focused on helping those who had suffered during the war to find their way in their new society. It encompassed people of all backgrounds, from former slaves to individuals like Joey’s siblings, whom F/N never forgot to check on every time she was in Starke – she’d made that promise to Joey, and she would keep it until her last breath.

Stories about him would have to wait, a long time perhaps. His name wasn’t on the monument, seeing as very few were aware of his crucial role in their victory. But F/N would tell her daughter everything, one day, and she had no doubt Eve would understand. She was already a smart little girl, currently more attracted to her father’s profession rather than F/N’s – but no matter what she chose, even if it was enrolling in the army or following in her mother’s footsteps or something entirely different, she would be going into it with a solid foundation. Levi and F/N, as well as their other comrades who all viewed her as a little niece, would make sure of it.

The former spy’s tangent into an inner monologue occurred once Eve finally succumbed to sleep, her head leaning back on her mother’s shoulder and a small trickle of drool making its way down her chin. It was dark already, and the only excuse F/N could think of for having to wake the little girl up for dinner later was that schools would be closed the following day.

“What’s on your mind?” Levi eventually broke the silence, having observed her thoughtful expression without interrupting until then. The diplomat jolted slightly, shaking her head with a quiet sigh.

“Nothing. Thanks for tidying up at my place. You didn’t have to – you already have enough on your plate.”

“Hm. You make it sound like I consider it a chore.”

Her chest vibrated with a small chuckle, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I was wondering…” F/N bit her lip, hesitant. She hadn’t exactly planned where or how to bring it up, but the symbolic presence of her fallen comrades somehow gave her a boost of courage. So she blurted it out.

“Have you met anyone you were interested in? Lately? Or ever? I mean ever since the war ended?”

The young woman wanted to flinch as soon as the words left her mouth, but she forced herself not to. It was ironic, how articulate she normally was and how that contrasted with the clumsy heap of barely coherent word vomit that fell from her lips when she was vulnerable.

Levi frowned in obvious confusion. “Ha?”

“I- um,” she sighed, closing her eyes and taking a moment to collect her thoughts. “I know what I said about us. But I also feel I should make it clear that you’re not obligated to wait for me.”

“Is this about the conversation you had with Eve before you left?”

“Oh. She told you?”

He snorted. “It’s _Eve_ , F/N. If she doesn’t talk for 5 consecutive minutes, I get concerned.”

The ghost of a smile appeared on F/N’s face at the true remark, but it disappeared just as quickly. Her saddened expression didn’t go unnoticed – it never did, with him – and Levi chewed the inside of his cheek whilst finding the words to say. He’d done a stellar job working on that, just like F/N had, but it still came difficultly in moments like these.

“I think you’re forgetting something,” the brunet finally uttered, careful not to disturb his daughter’s well-deserved nap. “No matter how you try and spin it, none of us would be living the life we’re currently living if it weren’t for you. I never thought I’d be getting my kid ready for school in the mornings, or that the biggest stress in my life would be trying to figure out what the fuck a poet meant by saying roses are red. And it’s not even that stressful, because I can call you to ask, when you had all the right to never want to see or talk to me again. I could never want to be with anyone who’s not you, but even if you’re _never_ ready to start over, F/N, I couldn’t ask for a better life.”

She didn’t know what it was, but the normally composed woman found herself holding back tears at his words. It was objectively all the reassurance she needed, but _something_ was itching inside her and F/N had no idea as to what it could be. She replayed what he said in her mind again and again, until she was able to find what stirred her. “…Start over, huh.”

Levi furrowed his brows, and he would have said something had a gnarly noise not attracted both of their attention. The force of her stomach growling seemed to have woken Eve herself, for she looked up at them with sparkly grey eyes and an adorably discomfited expression.

“…Is dinner ready yet?”

* * *

It was later in the night than any child should be tucked into bed, but neither of the two claimed to be perfect parents. Her belly now full of Levi’s stew and F/N’s cookies, Eve accepted her mother’s drawn out goodnight kisses with a tired smile – she knew her mother had to be away so that people could live good lives, but she always missed receiving those kisses just as much as F/N missed giving them. Her beloved plush monkey, which the brunet had hated with a passion from day one but he’d shared more tea parties with than he’d ever admit, was safely tucked in by her side, so F/N was ready to begrudgingly say goodnight and head back to her own apartment. However, when Eve stared up at her with a heartbreakingly uncertain gaze, the young woman knew it wouldn’t be so easy.

“…Can you stay, Mommy?”

She knew Levi was watching them from the doorway, and F/N’s heart clenched thinking of what his expression might look like at that question. It wasn’t the first time Eve uttered it, but seeing as they both were now fully aware of how their relationship (or lack thereof) was affecting her, it hit them twice as hard.

“I’ll be here when you wake up, sweetheart,” it was the same non-answer her mother always offered, and the little girl had learned its meaning by then. Her eyes were downcast, her mouth forming a small pout.

“Please? Just tonight? I… I don’t think Daddy would mind.”

It was the first time Eve insisted, and F/N felt her throat closing up. Perhaps she should have known better, but it felt cruelly unfair to stand firm on something that, deep down, she was no longer so sure about.

“Okay. Just tonight.”

Her daughter’s smile was so radiant that F/N couldn’t help giving her one of her own, and she delicately brushed her fingers through Eve’s hair before finally turning the lights off and closing her bedroom door. She shyly met Levi’s stare, which the former spy could only describe as cautious – barring the impulsive instances where it had just happened, F/N had never rationally taken the decision to spend the night before.

“You weren’t lying to her, were you?”

“Of course not,” she was quick to reassure. Personal feelings aside, F/N knew he would waste no time giving her a piece of his mind if she were to treat Eve dishonestly, just like she would if the situation were reversed. “Unless you mind lending me your couch and maybe a change of clothes.”

Levi’s apartment was much more spacious than hers, which made sense considering their daughter was a little ball of energy who loved running around and playing various games whenever her father allowed her to have friends over. It was minimally furnished, toys and games occupying the majority of the space, with the addition of a mini library that F/N periodically added books to whenever she returned from one of her missions. Eve loved reading, and it was no surprise that her mother was ecstatic about it.

Her involuntarily rigid tone was met with justified confusion on Levi’s part. It didn’t help that she’d been acting decidedly out of character ever since she’d returned. Eve hadn’t noticed her completely spacing out during dinnertime and most moments leading up to it, but the Captain had. “You know you’re always welcome to stay.”

_You just never wanted to until now._

F/N rubbed her eyes, mentally exhausted. “I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

The need to clear things up for Eve and Levi’s sake had turned into an itch that had taken her wholly off-guard. She’d always been comfortable during their meals together, more than happy to be as normal of a family as it was possible for them, but still making it more about their relationship with their daughter rather than each other. Progressively, though, the young woman had begun to feel an unforeseen longing, unable to stop thinking of scenarios where she didn’t leave at the end of the night, her conversations with Levi weren’t solely focused on Eve and their respective professions, and she didn’t spend an unearthly amount of energy worrying about what may happen if she gave in to her heart’s desires without feeling one hundred percent ready.

She felt the gentle, yet firm grip of his hands around her arms, and F/N realized she had nearly lost her balance. One would think she would have learned how much her repressed emotions could take a toll on her physically, but sometimes she still managed to forget.

“Oi. What’s going on with you?”

The young woman shuddered, foregoing a verbal reply in favor of practically collapsing against him, her head buried in the crook of his neck and her clenched fists tugging at his shirt. She felt him tensing up, probably wondering if tonight was going to be added to their unspoken list of accidents, but that couldn’t have been farther from what was going on in her mind. F/N was trying to confirm something for herself, and her heartbeat quickened the more she succeeded – when he wrapped his arms around her, not without uncertainty, she felt safe, not squeamish. When she inhaled the familiar scent of the musky cologne he seemed to like so much, she wanted to come even closer instead of pulling away. When she looked at his face, which was befuddled, but always tender in her presence, she could no longer hold her tears back.

“C-Can I try something?”

His eyes were desperately trying to find a clue as to why she was crying, but he nodded nonetheless. When her hand shakily cupped his cheek, however, Levi finally understood what her tumult was about. His breath caught, his heart thumped against his ribcage, but he fought to remain steady – not too hopeful, always painstakingly patient. When their lips met, it wasn’t feverish or impulsive, but tentative and slow. So slow, that it felt like they were both discovering uncharted territory, regardless of their history.

When F/N pulled back, Levi didn’t fight it. He merely opened his eyes, perhaps a second too late not to betray the fact that he was already steeling himself for the possibility of her saying it was a mistake.

But she didn’t. Instead, she was gazing at him with one of those unreadable expressions that reminded him of ocean waves. And, as always, her mind was at its clearest just when he thought it most complex. “Earlier, you said something about starting over.”

“…I did.”

F/N took a deep breath. “For some reason, I always thought of it more like picking up where we left off… And it felt like such a huge leap to me. It still does. But _starting over_ … that sounds like something I think I could try now.”

Levi spent a few moments fully grasping the meaning of her words, only to suddenly shake with silent laughter. Maybe it was happiness or relief or both, but he responded to F/N’s dumbfounded stare with the most beautifully disbelieving smile. “So all of this was because you wanted me to ask you out?”

Any other day, she would have pouted at the nerve to reduce her meticulous self-analysis to something so simple, but in that moment the young woman found herself snorting in the most unbecoming fashion, unable to resist a chuckle of her own. “Well, if you’re going to, you should hurry up before I change my mind.”

“Oi, don’t rush me, I might get nervous.”

At that, she couldn’t hold back anymore – she burst into genuine, relieved laughter, and it was in that very moment that she knew this was the right call. They couldn’t have gone back to what they previously had anyway; they’d both changed, _grown_ so much, and a lot of that they owed to their daughter. Levi was so much more relaxed, so much more attuned to his own self and others, while F/N had let go of more fears than she could count – this being her very last. The prospect of something fresh starring these new versions of them was exciting, intoxicating even, and when Levi opened his mouth to ask if she would join him for dinner the next day, F/N almost failed to catch the curious pair of eyes watching them from the hallway.

Eve had the decency to look like a deer in headlights when her parents’ gazes rested on her, but she’d heard her father loud and clear and she still couldn’t shake the giddiness away. She’d secretly read enough romance novels from her mother’s collection to know what a date invitation sounded like.

“I, um, I couldn’t sleep because- um, I was wondering if I could go to Henry’s house to play tomorrow? Uh, maybe also stay for dinner?”

If they had a mirror nearby where they could see their piss-poor attempt at keeping a straight face, Levi and F/N would have probably lost it. As it was, however, they crossed their arms and fixated Eve with identically sly expressions.

“ _Mhmm_.”

* * *

“You know, when I talked about starting over, I didn’t expect to do a complete switch-over from shitty cauliflower soup to _this_ ,” F/N moaned in delight, foregoing all etiquette and expressing her appreciation for the steak she was currently digging into with her mouth full.

Levi’s fork stopped its trajectory towards his mouth so he could grimace in disgust. “Do you _have_ to bring that up when I’m eating?”

“Sorry,” she giggled, taking a sip of her cocktail and allowing her eyes to appreciate her date’s immaculate appearance one more time. Now that poverty was no longer a national crisis like before, the Captain’s previously rigid principles had mellowed, allowing him to indulge in certain luxuries here and there. He still rolled his eyes at blatant shallowness, but Levi enjoyed a properly tailored suit, nice cologne and, as F/N had suspected for ages, good food. He could roll his eyes and minimize that all he wanted, but they suited him too. The Captain was still a lean powerhouse of toned muscle, but his face was no longer sunken and sharply angular, and he filled the shapes of his black suit enticingly. The sparse, grey strands of hair mingling with his mostly brunet locks had a charm all of their own, but F/N was happiest about the lack of dark circles under his eyes. This new, peaceful life was really doing wonders for him.

She supposed she could say the same about herself. Most of the scars inflicted by way of torture or battle had faded, and those who hadn’t she embraced as mementos of survival. Pregnancy had also blessed her with a few tiger stripes here and a few curves there, which, from what her keen eyes could notice in Levi’s fugitive glances that weren’t as subtle as he thought, her dress seemed to be hugging nicely. She carried herself with confidence and poise, but she felt just as comfortable being silly and laidback around the right people. Not for the first time since the end of the war, F/N thanked herself for making the choices she had.

“Not that I mind _you_ staring at me, but if one more person does, I’m going to have to check my face,” Levi’s dry remark snapped her out of her reverie, to which F/N bit back a grin. They were both aware of the small crowd watching them through the restaurant’s windows, probably thinking they were being stealthy; it hadn’t affected the quality of their little date one bit, but perhaps that was also owed to the fact they’d expected it.

Eve couldn’t keep a secret to save her life, after all, so Levi and F/N could even trace how it happened if they set their mind to it. She’d told Henry, who in turn told Historia, who’d probably tried to keep quiet about it until one of their comrades expressed the intention to bother one or the other with miscellaneous duties, therefore causing her to blurt it out. Whether it was Connie or Reiner or Jean or Mikasa didn’t matter – what mattered was that all of them were out there spying on them, and the two would truly be surprised if their other friends who lived in different provinces hadn’t been informed as well in the meantime. Knowing their luck, Mikasa’s water would also probably break by the end of the night, after many painstaking hours of early labor - not that welcoming a little nephew into the world wasn’t a perfectly acceptable interruption in their book.

“I’m just grateful it’s not the news,” F/N snickered, fully aware of Levi’s disdain for journalists or, worse, paparazzi. He’d complained (whined) to her that those ‘talentless shits with nothing better to do’ should be outlawed more times than she could count, despite said shits not once searching for the sensational in their own personal lives.

And they never would. F/N had bribed them. The world would never truly be perfect after all, but he needn’t concern himself with that.

“Never mind that. Should we get the dessert menu?”

He was adorably considerate, something that hadn’t gone unnoticed by her. Perhaps she’d expected the comfortable familiarity, even the nervousness Levi had furiously tried to mask on his part and failed anyway – but these new nuances of whatever she was finally allowing to blossom between them were making her chest bubble with an unforeseen excitement to find out what else there was to uncover.

They fell into conversation easily, sometimes affectionately reminiscing about their fallen friends who would have joined the crowd of onlookers without the shadow of a doubt; other times, it was snarky, competitive, but meaningless teasing. And then, there were words and gestures that did not come quite as easily, but instead filled their chests with that foreign, yet welcome tingling – such as when F/N used the opportunity of an unintentional brushing of fingers to shyly hold his hand, or when Levi not-so-nonchalantly let it slip that he’d been waiting for years to tell her how beautiful she was. More than anything, it felt like the broken old was being replaced by a better, more promising new all over again.

And it was fitting, in a way, for their story to be reborn from the ashes just like the entire world had been.


End file.
